Dear DSO: Do I Tell New Gals About My Crazy Ex?

Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching, courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person. Real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting. Hello everyone, we have another Dear DSO entry on the website and you can submit your own story to dadstartingover.com/dear. @DSO. And if your story or question's a good one, I will answer it here in video format. And today's comes from a guy who calls himself Straight to the Point, and the subject line is Explaining a Restraining Order, Long Divorce, and Personality Disorders Without Resorting to, quote, my ex was crazy. Dear DSO, I was married to a woman with borderline personality disorder. I recently had a new friend ask lots of questions about my divorce, which I don't dwell on, and I normally keep to myself. But it has been a long and drawn out— but it has been long and drawn out, and it affects every aspect of my life. In short, the book, quote, Splitting, reads like a manual of how my partner planned her divorce strategy. Claims of abuse, restraining orders, crazy emails, trying to relocate with the children, asking for 100% of nearly paid-off house and thousands a month in child support in exchange for 50/50 custody, and so much more. How do I avoid, quote, my ex is crazy, or worse yet, my ex has borderline personality disorder while still being honest with my new friend? I know when I hear, quote, my ex was a narcissist, I immediately withdraw from that person, as even though what they claim may be true, it shouldn't come out on a first date or before. I know that if I go there, I'll just be another in a long line of, quote, narcissists, regardless of what our relationship is really like. So, Mr. Straight to the Point, you're basically saying This is true. My ex is mentally ill, and her form of mental illness is such that it really has caused me a lot of headaches, torment, stress, anxiety, and all kinds of awfulness. And now you are worried, on top of all this, what everyone will think of you as a result of your ex-partner's mental illness. You are worried that they will think what? That you're bullshitting them? That you're full of it, that you're one in a long line of narcissistic types that are blaming the other partner. Really, it comes down to— it's pretty simple. You know the truth. If you're with, you know, let's say, a prospective romantic partner or male friend or whatever, and you get the sense of, or they outright tell you, I don't believe you, whose fault is that? It's theirs. Oh well, they don't believe you. That's their problem. You know the truth. This is really common sentiment amongst a lot of guys who, uh, you're Mr. Nice Guy types, you're codependent types, types that don't want to ruffle any feathers. They want to keep everything nice and smooth. They want to be everybody's buddy. These are the type of guys that will be overly worried about, uh, all the stuff that the ex may potentially say bad about him. So, "I know she's out there telling everyone that I cheated on her. I never did such a thing. I know she's telling everyone that I was abusive. And people that know me know that I've never laid a hand on the woman. I would never do anything like that. Why is she saying this? And all my friends are going to believe her." To which you just say, "If they believe her over you, there's really nothing you can do about that. I mean, what are you going to do, go on a campaign, you know, showing them documents and pictures?" And no, you just say, "I know the truth." you, friend, or again, prospective romantic partner, whether you choose to believe that truth or not, it's up to you. Nothing really I can do about that. If you, you know, if I tell you my story, which, by the way, I don't see anything wrong with being open and vulnerable to people. So you can just say, I'm having a really contentious divorce with the ex, and it's been going on for a couple of years now. And I really, you know, I was hoping, you know, 2 years ago that we could wrap this up, but To be open and honest with you, it's— she's made things really, really difficult for me. She's, she's not doing well. And her form of not doing well mentally is to really lash out at other people. And unfortunately, she's really lashing out at me and making life for me really difficult. If you, prospective romantic partner, potential girlfriend-to-be, somebody I'm dating, if that turns you off, and you want to run for the hills because you're dating a guy who's got a crazy ex in the wings, I understand. I get it 100%. So, but I'm just being transparent with you, being open and honest. I have nothing to hide here. I've been a good boy. So take it or leave it, I guess. There's a lot of strength in that. And yes, you're going to chase some people away, but it's the truth. And it's, it's your reality. You know, you could also have the reality of, I have a debilitating disease and it causes me to not be able to go out on dates. I have to go through treatments and stuff, and I can only see you like once a month or something weird like that. Um, your prospective date has every right to say, I'm looking for more. That doesn't make them bad, it doesn't make you, you know, bad or weak or whatever. It's just, that's the reality. So put the reality out there. This is what's going on, potential girlfriend or friend or whatever. I got nothing to hide. It's what it is, what it is. Um, maybe what I'm seeing between the lines here is a guy saying, I'm tired of being alone, I want a girlfriend, and my— the reality of my situation may scare away potential girlfriends. There is nothing more of a turn-off, men and women alike, but I think women are potentially more, uh, sensitive to this, simply because they may not be as— their judgment may not be as clouded by— I'm going to make men out to be animals here, but we think with what's between our legs quite a bit. So we will overlook a lot of crazy, we will overlook a lot of red flags, if it means I get to sleep with a woman. If the woman makes me feel really good, and she, you know, hyper-validates me, and she's very hypersexual, and so forth, we'll be like, sure, I noticed 18 wine bottles in her, you you know, kitchen trash can, but oh well, let's get it on. While a— it seems to be a lot of women that I talk to are a little bit more pragmatic about this sort of thing. And they really put their potential dates through the wringer, which is, you know, good for them. I think we can learn a lot from women that are wired in that way. But one thing that a lot of these women are very hypersensitive to is little things in the stories that your personal story that don't add up. Like, I thought you said this yesterday, but now you're saying this. What's the truth here? And, uh, boy, they pick up on that real quick. And if they get a sense that you are trying to hide something, some truth from them in order to win their favor, it does just the opposite. If she's a good woman, she's got a good head on her shoulders, she will look right through that and say, something's off about this dude. The fact that he's hiding a truth from me to try to win my favor, a gal that he barely knows, Ooh, something's not quite right. And you know what? She'd be right. Something's not quite right, dude. You're hiding something. You're hiding the truth because you want to win the favor of these women, these potential romantic partners of yours that frankly you barely know, and you don't want to scare them away. Not good, dude. Just something to know and some food for thought. All right. So thank you so much for writing in. I greatly appreciate it.