A woman with low libido pushes back on advice that men should leave sexless marriages. DSO argues sexual desire is fundamental to monogamy and that a partner without it shouldn't expect marriage's rewards, even after the husband has tried everything to fix it.
Chapters
Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching, courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person. Real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting. Hello everyone, DSO here from dadstartingover.com, and I wanted to share with you today a somewhat rare email from a female reader of The Dead Bedroom Fix. And it goes, dear DSO, I am a woman, but I still read your book, The Dead Bedroom Fix. I was really bothered by the ending of the book where you suggest that a man should leave a relationship if he's not getting sex from his wife. Personally, I think this is bullshit and an awful way to look at marriage. I happen to be a very low libido and possibly asexual person, and I always have been. I was able to have sex with my husband early in the relationship, but as the years went on, my ability to put on a good face went away. I couldn't fake it anymore, and I told him so. He left. He broke up our family and everything we have for sex. It's books like yours that help push men like my ex-husband over the edge, when instead they should stay and work on their marriages. Deb. Well, Deb, first of all, the book doesn't say, if you don't get sex, then leave. That's not anywhere near telling the whole picture. The part you are referring to says in a nutshell, if you have done everything outlined in this book, and your wife still does zero to work on your marriage, then leave and save yourself. But putting that aside, let's look at what it is that you are saying. You are basically stating the case that you are missing a crucial component of a romantic relationship, a libido, or sexual desire, in other words, yet you still feel that you deserve the rewards of a relationship, like having a life partner and a family. And unfortunately, sweetheart, life doesn't work that way. I can say that I, quote, deserve to have all the spoils of being a billionaire, but I don't want to work so many hours, I don't want to invest any money, and I don't want to take any risk. Well, if you were to ask any billionaire type, they will listen to you and they will laugh and they will say it doesn't work that way. Well, Deb, marriage doesn't work that way either. Whether it's by virtue of your biological makeup, your emotional baggage, whatever it is, you don't experience sexual desire, and that's fine. What's not fine is that you have paired up with a person who does have sexual desire, and like most mentally healthy humans, he has determined that this is a crucial component of a long-term monogamous relationship, aka marriage. If that extremely crucial component is missing, well, then the marriage is null and void. And I'm sorry if that goes against your beliefs, but frankly, your beliefs are horseshit. Your lack of sexual desire does not make you a bad person. It doesn't. It just makes you a person who has no sexual desire and is therefore not suitable for a relationship with a person who does have sexual desire. That's it. It's that simple. It could be argued that your early relationship behavior, you know, providing him with sex, was a case of the old bait and switch. You knew at the time that you didn't want sex, but you did it anyway to get the husband, the house, the kids. And then you later pulled the rug out from your partner. Psych! Just kidding. Now you can't go anywhere. Oh yes, he can. And he did. The quote good news is that your behavior probably damaged the poor guy, and he will have major trust issues with subsequent relationships. In addition to that, your kids will probably be pretty fucked up as a result of watching the dynamic between you and your ex. If you have a son, he's been sitting back and learning that this is how women treat men. And, or if you have a daughter, she sits back and says, well, this is how women should treat their man. Hopefully though, your ex is able to get over the trauma of what you put him through, and he's able to form a loving relationship with another woman so that your kids can see firsthand what a true relationship looks like.
