Ernie, a new father, nearly cheated when a coworker flirted with him as his marriage grew distant after his baby was born. The host explains why temptation strikes hardest when emotional and physical connection dies, then tells him the answer isn't willpower alone but rebuilding intimacy with his wife through real conversation and time together.
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Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person, real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting. All right, we got a new Dear DSO entry on the website, and you can submit your own story to dadstartingover.com/dear-dso. And if it's a good one, I will answer here for the whole world to see. This one comes from Ernie. The subject line is New Dad, but Temptations Threaten to Pull Me Away. Whoa, whoa. He says, I have been a new father and trying my hardest to be a good parent. Our sex life has understandably nosedived recently. I came within a hair's breadth of cheating. Uh-oh. Does this single temptation taint my marriage forever? Will I succumb or remain faithful? You know, this is a common thing that I hear from a lot of guys, and I'm going to presume here a lot, but, um, the energy I'm getting from this very brief message is one of a guy who probably doesn't have a lot of experience with, um, being presented with temptation Or to put it maybe in psych terms, a person who's not had a lot of experience having his boundaries tested. Um, I will often see this from guys who have very little relationship experience, not a lot of luck with the girls, and then they go through a major life change. They physically become better looking, maybe make a lot more money, whatever. They just become an objectively bigger catch on the market, so to speak. Problem is that he's married, and he's married to a woman, let's say, for years, hasn't want a whole lot to do with him. And then he's in the workplace, and this gal kind of hits on him, and this other gal really overtly hits on him, and his head is spinning going, "I don't know what to do with this," because he feels good. He's a human being. To get attention, to get validation, to get compliments, for someone to touch you maybe, it makes you feel very, very good. And if you're the kind of person, a guy who has not experienced much of that in your life, you won't know what to do with those feelings. It's kind of the vibe I'm getting here because you say you came within a hair's breadth of cheating. I'm not sure exactly what that means. It's funny, often when I talk to these guys, it's kind of all in their head. They will say, I came so close to cheating, and then they will tell me the story and I'm waiting and waiting. It never quite happens. Basically, it's one-sided feelings on his part. He has no idea what the other gal's feeling. Maybe they had lunch together, they had a nice conversation, and he leaves going, I, I just feel like I'm— I came close to cheating. Well, if you were to ask her, she'd probably say, I just had lunch with Bob, it's no big deal. Um, so I'd be curious to see what, uh, the hair's breadth of cheating actually means. Maybe you guys did, you know, come close to, you maybe held hands, I don't know. But you have a single temptation, and from that one single temptation, one test of your boundaries as a married man, you're starting to question everything. Am I going to be able to— does this taint my marriage? Well, dude, if you're a man of any kind of value, to use that overused term, if you're kind of a catch on the market, so to speak. Let's say, let's use an extreme, extreme example. You're a guy who has a billion dollars in the bank. You're this successful businessman flying all over the world in your private jet. On top of all that, you look like a male model, right? Very unrealistic, but I'm trying to paint a picture here of an extreme example. And that guy is married and he has kids at home. That guy better learn how to, um, flex his boundaries real quick. Why? Because we all know he's going to get hit on non-stop. He's going to get approached by woman after woman after woman, and really good-looking women probably too. Why? Because he is the catch— billionaire who looks really, really good. The average dude I'm Mr. Average here, right? The average dude, you're gonna get hit on once in a blue moon, let's say. Or maybe if you put yourself in a position, maybe you're in some kind of profession that puts you in close proximity to others. Uh, physicians, nurses, uh, they are in close proximity working shoulder to shoulder with people in really high stress situations for long periods of time. And sometimes that can lead to very, um, sharing of very personal stories. You're in a really high stress situation, so that tends to bring people closer together. Those people need to also learn how to really flex their boundaries and, um, deal with temptations. And you got a very small minute test of that, one single temptation in your words, and now you're kind of going off the rails, dude. You got to get a hold of yourself. It's okay to be a human being and have feelings for others. Some woman comes on to you in the office, flirts with you, maybe gives you a little back rub or something, and you're like, whoa, this is crossing boundaries, but it feels really, really good. And my wife, ever since the baby, hasn't touched me, and she refuses any kind of intimacy, and she's really overstressed and has a lot of anxiety, and I feel really neglected. And I just— I'm a very human— I'm a human being, and I have feelings, and I have needs, and I have wants, and I feel like it's been neglected. Oh well. And then along comes, you know, the office floozy who flirts with you and whatever. Really comes on to you, let's say overtly, and it makes you feel good, that's okay. I'm not going to shame you for that, and I don't think anybody with half a brain would shame you for that either. We would just shrug our shoulders and say, well, of course it felt good. Of course you felt tempted to take it to the next level, but you didn't. Good for you. That's all there is to it, dude. You think this is going to be the last one? And this temptation is compounded by what I mentioned there, the, um, the drought in the intimacy in your marriage. But that's not the average dude. But what the average dude does experience is all that bottled up energy, it needs to be released, and there's no release at home for it. That doesn't necessarily mean like a sexual thing, like you need the release sexually, if you know what I mean. But it's a release in terms of, I have this emotional need, I have this physical need, it's all wrapped into one. I need love, romance, connection, validation. And yes, the erotic stuff as well. It's all intertwined. And when we don't get it at home, that just makes it extra, extra tough. And I think that's what you're experiencing is that extra, extra tough. Uh, be careful, dude. Uh, it's not that having a single temptation is bad. It's what is, quote, bad or concerning is your reaction to that single temptation that really rocked your world, dude. So much so that you took to the internet, found me, uh, probably watched a lot of my material and blasted a message to me. If this one single solitary temptation is really causing you to question everything so much and really go off the deep end like this, maybe you need to really, um, look at your boundaries, see how strong they actually are, come up with ways to, uh, uh, divert all those urges and so forth, and figure out a way to better connect with wife. Don't know what's going on there. Maybe she's very averse to any kind of connection. Maybe she's misavoidant and she's like, I've had the baby, get the hell away from me, your job is done. That's not unheard of. I don't know, but it behooves you, Mr. Dad and husband, to work hard to maintain that connection. And from what I've seen, and a lot of people don't like to hear this, um, once, especially once children come into the picture, the job of maintaining that connection tends to fall on the man in the situation, especially if he's Mr. Anxious Guy with Miss Avoidant. And these things exist on a scale. You could be kind of anxious or super anxious. She could be kind of avoidant or super avoidant. Uh, regardless, from what I've seen over and over and over again, um, if you want this level of intimacy, it's your job, dude. You have to cultivate the environment to make that happen. And I'd be more than willing to help you out with that. I presume you have read the book The Dead Bedroom Fix. You can also, uh, work with me one-on-one, go to help4men.com/coaching and be happy to help you out. All right, brother, but that's a good one. Thank you so much for reaching out to me. Best luck to you.
