Nate, a former infantryman, says his wife is lazy and draining after his 20-year military career ended. DSO suggests couples therapy or divorce, arguing that separation could improve his business, mental health, and relationship with his kids.
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Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching, courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person. Real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at helpformen.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting. Hello everyone, DSO here from dadstartingover.com, and we have a new Dear DSO entry on the website. But before we get into that, if you could please, wherever you're watching this, click subscribe or follow or like or however it works on whatever platform you're using to watch this. I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks so much, guys. Now on to today's Dear DSO. And you can submit, by the way, your own question to Dear DSO at dadsstartingover.com/dear-dso. And if it's a good one, I will answer it right here. So today's message comes from Nate. The subject line is Draining My Energy. He says, DSO, I married my high school sweetheart 20+ years later, and after a full 20-year military career, I've come to finally see what I married. Took a while. My wife is lazy, unambitious, and constantly negative. I had a long and storied career as an infantryman with combat deployments as well as others, plus countless time away. I have finally started focusing on myself and learning to love myself and accept and move on from the things that have held me back and kept me feeling anxious and depressed. And I have a new positive outlook on life. She tends to nag at my son, and instead of vocalizing what she needs, and it's very frustrating. Oh, she tends to nag at my son and I instead of vocalizing what she needs. Gotcha. And it's very frustrating. She's a compulsive spender that I have had to bail out financially on more than two occasions, and she paid all the bills while I was active duty and is yet to see the error of her ways. There is no effort on her part to be romantic or to put any effort towards the family. And it's wearing on me mentally all the time. I couldn't even care about the bedroom status because of her lack of trying in the marriage has soured me. She's content with playing on her phone even when I take time to, quote, be with the family instead of building my business. The days where I am full throttle and crushing it feel great, only for her to come home from work and drain all my energy. Please help me understand and see ways to move forward. And then he says, sorry for the long paragraph. First of all, I get on a lot of guys in our DSO fraternity group, which is the private group for men only that we have. I always get on guys for apologizing for posting. First of all, Nate, this wasn't that long. And second of all, that's the whole purpose of this is for you to submit your story and to share your story and ask for advice. Stop apologizing when it's not necessary. So Cut the nice guy crap, in other words. So on to your situation here. Um, you know, it's kind of simple here, isn't it? Uh, you were away for, sounds like, a good chunk of your relationship, and during that time, dare I say, you guys kind of grew apart. You were Mr. Military Dude and she was at home, and it sounds like she has some difficulties coping, and she does so by overspending. As you may or may not know, Not that uncommon. Sorry, ladies, especially amongst the ladies in our lives. People tend to cope in different ways, and there are countless men out there. And yes, I know women, this happens with the genders flip, but I'm willing to bet with no stats here to back it up or no scientific data anyway, but I'm willing to bet the situation is usually flipped the other way. But I digress. To cut to the chase here, you're Mr., uh, it sounds like you've kind of alluded to some issues that you've had in the past here. Um, learning to love yourself now and accept and move on from the things that held you back. So you had some issues in the past. You're not Mr. Perfect. And now you finally kind of woke up after your military career is done and your move— sounds like you're moving on to an entrepreneurial endeavor. All these things kind of tie together, by the way. And here you are saying, well, time to put that behind me, move on to my new chapter. And basically you're looking over your wife saying, you gonna join me? And her answer is, nope. And that's heartbreaking to Mr. Winner like you. I talk to a lot of guys like you, and most, more often than not, they are entrepreneurs. That's not a coincidence. Hyper-achieving, go-getter types, frankly, don't do well when working for others. They have their own ways of doing things. They have their own rules and their own little traditions and their own little disciplines and so forth. And they know better than an employer does. And they work like hell and they work many, many hours and they're very passionate and very driven and very focused. And that sounds like you. And by the way, I speak from experience. That's me as well. You at this stage in your life, at this chapter in your life, should probably be paired up with a similar-minded person, or at least a person who is your big cheerleader. You know, go husband, go. What do you need from me to support you in your endeavor? I say that because you coming home to a person who actually weighs down on you and is super negative and is not supportive and just, you know, makes you hate life is— it's not sustainable, as you know. So something's got to change. From where I sit, it seems pretty simple. Wife, you gotta jump on board and, you know, join me in this positive thought train. And this self-improvement train and get yourself off the, you know, get yourself off the phone and off the couch and stop being so damn negative and stop screaming at everybody. And okay, I'm filling in blanks here. That may or may not be happening with the screaming, but you catch my drift. Stop being so negative. Stop sitting around doing nothing and join me. That's option 1. And that option will include, you know, let's go get some help. Let's talk to somebody about us and how we've drifted apart and how I seem to be going this way and you seem to be going that way. And maybe there's something we can do to come back together again. Go talk to somebody, whatever it may be. So that's option 1. Option 2 is, wife, I've moved on. New chapter. Doesn't seem like you want to join me. Oh well, adiós. And what you and guys like you will find is when you, when you discard these people from your life, And sometimes, unfortunately, these people— when I say that— can be family members, best friends for decades, and yes, your romantic partner or your wife. When you discard these people, things really start to click for you. Uh, your business will probably take off. Your mental health will probably improve dramatically. Your physical health will improve dramatically. Even your relationship with your kiddos will improve because mom will be taken out of the picture, so to speak, and you'll be able to have time with those kiddos more so one-on-one. In other words, probably everything will improve for you if you were to separate yourself from this woman. I'm not taking into account any kind of financial, you know, hardships that may come your way as a result, but overall I would say it'd probably, probably be better. Is that my way of saying just dump this woman immediately and forget it? No, I think you— she deserves a chance. She's been with you and supported you Maybe that's a stretch to say that, but she's at least been by your side. Even that's a stretch because you were literally gone so long. But she's been married to you through a lot. These military deployments and everything else, they're not easy on the spouse that's left behind, especially a spouse that's left behind with kids and a home and bills to take care of. So I'm sure there's a lot of resentments built up. So it could be argued that you owe it to her to give her a chance to work through this. So of course, my advice is to do just that. You know, check all the boxes, cross all the T's, dot all the I's, make sure you've done all you can to bring you guys back together. But if not, it's time to call it quits. And dude, you'll be just fine. More than fine. Thanks for writing in, Nate. Appreciate it, buddy.
