Dear DSO: "I'm in Excellent Shape... But it's Still Not Enough For Her Libido!"

Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching, courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person. Real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting. Hello folks, we have another Dear DSO entry on the website and you can submit your own question or story at dadstartingover.com/dear. @DSO, and I will respond here in video format. And first of all, I apologize for my voice. Got a cold. This message today comes from Conan the Barbarian. I love these fake names. Subject line is, drum roll, hand jobs. Nothing but highbrow entertainment here at the DSO world. He says, dear DSO, I have read your book, The Dead Bedroom Fix. And I am now in great physical and mental shape. Well, very good. I've had some kind of sex with my wife around once a week. Well, let me pause there. You're probably above average for the majority of married people. But now she is simply giving me sex every few weeks. Oh, and hand jobs instead. On the other weeks. So he's saying intercourse every few weeks, and to fill in the gap, little hand manipulation. All right. Um, I've been good to her, he says, although I do text when I am unhappy with the sex situation, which seems to cause an argument. Another pause here. If you read my book, The Dead Bedroom Fix, I say don't do that. I have a whole section about talk, talk, talk, and it does no good, but I'll carry on. Um, he says, I do love my wife and I take her out on dates and I make time just for the two of us as we have two kids. Uh, he says, this morning I got a handjob and I simply texted her saying, I want the real deal, LOL. When I went upstairs, she was very angry, saying she will never be good enough for me. What can I do? I just gave her a kiss and said, I love you and I appreciate the handjob, LOL, and all she does is— and all she does. So he appreciates the handjob and all she does, and that he thinks she is amazing. He says she came around a bit after that. He ends it with, am I in the wrong and being too harsh? I just want 100% from her, but no matter how in shape I am, etc. "I can't seem to move the needle past where it is in terms of sexual life." It's a weird way of saying it. I think he just says it's not getting any better sexual-wise or sex-wise. He's, all right, and he says, "All the best, Conan Barbarian." So, okay, so thank you, Conan, for your message. So, you're doing what a lot of guys do. You're thinking like a dude. But in his defense, in my book, "The Dead Bedroom Fix," I devote a whole section to getting in shape. Why? Well, it's important that you be in good physical shape. It helps with your confidence, your looks. Um, yes, there is a subset of women out there, and they have messaged me, by the way, directly saying, thank God for your book, because I was physically repulsed by my husband because he didn't seem to care about himself. And that bothered me as his wife, because here's this guy that's gained so much weight, he's not taking care of himself, and wife was thinking, does he not care about us? Does he not care about what I think about him as his wife? And he read your book and he lost like 70 pounds. And I'm like, hallelujah, I got my husband back. He's more energetic, he's more confident in himself, uh, sex improved, etc. So for those people, I don't know what percentage of couples that is, I think it's not that many. Um, we can say get in shape, check. That did it. Some men report exactly that, but not Conan and not a big chunk of the population. It's more to it than that. That is a part of the prescription for being an overall healthier and quote-unquote attractive human being. Men, women both should take care of their health and worry about how they look and get in really good shape. Um, but it's, as you say, Conan, not moving the needle. So what's up here? I don't know, um, it could be a myriad of things. Uh, you didn't say age. Could be the old menopause, um, you know, and that's jumping the gun, you know. I'm putting, you know, uh, putting all the blame on biology, and that may not be it at all. We may sit her down and she may say, let me tell you about all the ways I resent this dude. Let me tell you what an asshole he is. Let me tell you how annoying he is. Let me tell you how much I'm just sick and tired of him. And the best I can do is the handjob thing and sex every few weeks or whatever. And even that's a struggle. I'm inferring a lot. I'm assuming a lot. I'm making up a lot of stuff here, but that's a pretty realistic, you know, thing to hear from a wife in these kind of situations. You do seem a little— oh, what's the word? Crass, insensitive. You're just— you seem very simplistic. Kind of, uh, I don't know, I don't want to insult you, dude, but I'm just trying to put myself in the— trying to empathize with the, with the lady here. And, uh, my husband seems to only care about sex. I'm sure that comes out of her mouth, or some semblance of that. And does she have a point? Because here you are going, hey, I look good, give me more. And she's like, uh, here you go, I don't feel like doing the intercourse thing, but I can relieve the pressure in other ways. I know, not the most romantic thing in the world, and I know it bothers you, but that's what she's doing. And you're like, not good enough. And you don't, you know, you don't do it in the most romantic, uh, holistically good husband way. You basically text her and go, I want the real deal, LOL. And you're like, man, she got pissed at that. Yeah, again, it's kind of crass. It's not the most classy thing in the world. Um, it's just kind of, uh, immature, I guess, is the word I'm looking for. Um, you know, men think very technically, and men like to think in terms of analogies, and they like to look at, um, an example of behavior. So I'll say, well, I often say to men, what would James Bond do? Yeah, I know it's silly, but go with me here. James Bond is, you know, the archetype for stoic, strong, handsome, gets the girls, saves the world, right? What he's— what James Bond's probably not going to do is text his gal that he was with that night, I want the real deal, LOL. Just, it doesn't sit well with me, and I'm sure it doesn't sit well with her. But you, you did kind of recover with the whole— you gave her a kiss and said, I love you, and I appreciate the hand jobs and all that you do, and you are amazing. So Good job there, right? But here you are going, doesn't solve the problem, which is intimacy-wise we're on two different pages. Here I am, Mr. Sexy, wanting to do a lot, and here she is, Miss Not So Sexy. And so you got to figure out why. And it sounds like you've put all your eggs into, I'm physically fit. There's more to it than that, dude. Um, I have been in the company of, during my relatively brief stint as a single dude, between marriages. Um, and I've mentioned this before, I think, in video form, and I've talked to our Diastole fraternity about it. I have been in the presence of knockout, holy crap, beautiful women. The kind of women that everybody, man and woman alike, turn their heads when they walk in the door. That, you know, that level of holy crap, right? And I have, to everyone around me, seemed to really hit it off with with these women. But this is like, you know, 10, 11 years ago, whatever. And after talking to these women, I go, duh, yeah, this ain't happening. Why? Their whole— the intellectual thing wasn't there. They weren't the brightest bulbs. Uh, personality, sense of humor, nothing was there. They were just— but they were really good to look at. And I am mature enough to the point where I go, I ain't gonna cut it. You know, nice knowing you. And I remember some friends around me were like, she really seemed to like you, dude. And I'm like, not happening. They're like, what? Um, it's so— maybe your wife's of the same mind frame. She looks at you and goes, he looks good, looks amazing, I recognize it, good for him, he's in good physical shape, taking care of himself, he's confident and everything else. But Just ain't happening. So the question is why? And I don't know. There's a lot more to the story and a lot more to explore. But what I bet you is if you and I were to talk and we can talk if you want to, dadstartingover.com/coaching. And by the way, if you want cheaper pricing on coaching by like half off, you can join our members club, the DSO fraternity, and you get discounts plus a lot more other cool stuff. DSOfraternity.com. But anywho, I bet you with some talking for an hour or so, we'd come to some aha moments where I'd probably point to it and say, yeah, that's probably what's holding you back, dude. And it's probably a few things. It's probably not one thing. Um, there's the old, um, concept of the empathic rupture that, uh, Dr. Psych Mom, Dr. Samantha Rodman-Whiten, came up with. I, I love the concept, and I talk about it all the time because she hit a real home run with that one, which is, um, some things happen in the past which basically you or her, for that matter, one of the partners acted in a way that the other one said, this is not what I was expecting. This is not the emotional support and closeness and everything else that I was expecting out of them. Their behavior took a left turn. And I haven't been able to emotionally kind of recover from that. I have a lot of resentment because of that. And the common example I use, because it's so unfortunately common with dudes, is the wife will be in labor for so many hours and, you know, in the hospital, delivering a baby, and she's just overcome with all this stress and emotion and everything else from the moment, and she's covered in sweat, and she feels like she's about to die. Yet at the same time, she loves this baby more than anything in the world. She looks over at her husband and she's like, this is a beautiful moment, we brought a human into the world, me and my hubby. And the hubby's like, uh, yeah, I'm gonna go run home and get a shower and then go to McDonald's, and maybe I'll take a nap or something. You need me to get anything at the store? And she's like What? That's, dude, this is supposed to be a special moment. I need you here by my side. And she's very crushed by the fact that he doesn't see that. And that's an empathic rupture. And you better believe for the next 10, 15, 20, 50 years, if they're so lucky of marriage, she's gonna bring that up. You know, it's the stereotypical woman thing of, oh yeah, well, February 1981, you said this. And the guy's like, what? They remember that stuff much more so than what we do. The old empathic rupture. So maybe there's one or more of those incidents that are holding you back as well. So I don't know what's going on, dude, but there's something going on. The lack of intimacy in the marriage is the canary in the coal mine. Either it points to biological stuff, behavioral stuff, a lot of resentments, problems on your part, problems on her part, who knows. Could go a million different directions, but I'm more than willing to talk to you, Mr. Conan the Barbarian, if you would like to do so. dadstartingover.com/coaching. All right, buddy, I wish I had the answer, but it's not so simple. So wish you all the best and thank you for writing in.