Dear DSO: "I've Been In A Dead Bedroom For Years... And Now I've Fallen For This Younger Gal"

Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching, courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person. Real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting. All right, today's Dear DSO entry, and you can submit your own story at dadstartingover.com/dear. Dear DSO, today's entry comes from Greg, and the subject line is, I am being tempted by a beautiful younger woman. Ruh-roh. Dear DSO, Greg says, I am a male in my early 40s who runs a chiropractic office. One of my previous patients, who now has offered to help do some graphic design for my website, is very clearly interested in me and I in her. She is in her early 30s and is stunningly beautiful, intelligent, well-read, and actually funny. The sexual tension between us has become so thick you could cut it with a knife. At times I desire her so badly that it hurts. I sense the same from her. The problem is I am married and and I have been since my very early 20s. I'm kind of a nerdy, shy type of guy, and besides my wife, I've never received much attention from the fairer sex. My wife is a great woman, but we've had a dead bedroom, and I've desperately tried to repair for years. Now with menopause approaching, I realize trying to get her back in the mood may become an impossibility for for many years to come. I feel like I've tried everything, and now that I've really been hitting the gym and taking care of myself, I haven't got the attention of my wife, but the attention of this beautiful young woman. I don't think a chance like this will ever arise again, and my teenage self would be shaking with envy to know a woman this gorgeous was even interested in me. I take my wedding ring off at work because I often wear gloves. So I'm not sure if this young woman even knows that I am married. I would be forthcoming with her if anything were to move forward, but I'm trying desperately to control myself. DSO, I am lost. How do I resist? Do I give in to the temptation? Do I tell my wife? I feel I am in an impossible situation because I want this woman so badly. Gregory, you're in a tough spot, my man. But as I often say, how interesting. Um, you're not alone in this, as you may or may not know reading or watching my stuff. Um, there's a lot of men out there that are in dead bedroom situations, which is kind of a subjective term. You know, if a guy tells me I get it once or twice a month, I say, yeah, that's a dead bedroom situation. And a lot of men hearing that go, "Dude, once or twice a month would be awesome." And I tell them, "Yeah, you're all in basically sexless, dead bedroom relationships. It is not healthy. It is what we say, what we call dysfunctional." Sorry, that's the way it is. You are in a dysfunctional relationship. And unfortunately, what dysfunctional relationships do is it opens you up to Oh, outside temptation. It could be in the form of trying to self-medicate and make yourself feel better with a form of substance abuse or overspending or some kind of vice that just makes you feel better. And there is nothing more potent than outside people, other potential sexual partners. But for, dare I say, most men out there, uh, don't have a lot of options. They can go out there and say, "Hey world, I'm ready for an extramarital affair," and nothing. They can go to some singles bar and come home alone. They just don't have the charisma, the chutzpah, the looks, the whatever it takes to get a new partner. But you, my man, have stumbled into something. You have what we call status. You run your own business. You're a big shot. You're a, I believe in your world you call it a doctor of chiropractic. Care, chiropractor. You say you run a chiropractic office, so I'm assuming you're the head dude in charge. That gives you status. That's attractive. On top of that, you say you've been taking care of yourself, hitting the gym, so you visually, objectively look better, right? Standing taller, more confidence. Your testosterone's probably up a little bit. You're just exuding more masculinity. This is attractive. So here you are, an attractive guy with some status. So yes, you're going to attract more women to you, just the way it is. Now, for men in your position, there are a lot of married men in your position who have some status and looks and so forth, but, but they have an overall healthy and yes, sexual relationship with their wife. So when they get that outside temptation, they just say, um, hey sweetheart, thanks but no thanks, appreciate it, and they move on with their day. But you, that's not your situation, is it? You're in the old dead bedroom. That just opens you up to all kinds of temptation. So there are different ways of looking at this, different schools of thought. Your more traditional conservative, as I often say, uh, look at this is to say, uh, dude, you're married, you made vows, you need to do a better job of putting up boundaries between you and and the world of outside temptation and other women. You should have never brought this woman into your practice. Eh, it's kind of a weird thing. Like, what, are you supposed to eliminate all potential vendors because they're good looking and single and so forth? Some people say, yeah, exactly. If you talk to any divorce attorney, marriage counselor, they will tell you how often they hear, well, I hired this young, pretty nanny to come in, a live-in nanny to move into the house, and several months later, she's banging my husband. That happens. You're just, you know, literally bringing that outside temptation right through the front door. Not smart. Most people would say you need to be a lot more pragmatic about it and say, "Yeah, nah, I'm gonna keep that outside influence away. It's not that I don't trust my husband, but yeah, I don't trust my husband." So what to do here, right? This is a tough one. First of all, you know, I'd wanna talk to you further about all the ins and outs and the particulars of your dead bedroom relationship. We're only hearing one side of the story. Maybe there's a lot more to this that you're not talking about or telling or sharing with us. Um, you are basically falling for this woman, let's be honest. Um, you're gaga for her, head over heels for her, and that's clouding your judgment quite a bit. Um, you're thinking with your little head, not with your big one. Need to be rational about this. Uh, how long has this dead bedroom been going on? When we talk about dead bedroom, have you been celibate for a period of years? Is that what we're talking about? Then yeah, that's definitely going to cloud your judgment. And that's definitely going to make you act out in ways that you wouldn't if you were getting it on a regular basis. Welcome to being a human animal. So then maybe this is the push you need to have the big final sit-down talk with the wife and just say, look, we both know that this is not good. This is unhealthy, what we have going on between us. It's dysfunctional, as the psychologists call it. I've been getting some help with my issues, but talking to people and we all agree that this needs to change. Are you willing, wife, to bridge the gap between us and put in some good hard work to reconnect as a couple? If you are, wonderful, you have my full undivided attention. Maybe you don't necessarily need to tell her this, that you've been having gaga eyes for this 30-something-year-old, but that's when you go to the 30-something-year-old and say, you gotta go. Uh, we both know that there's some tension here between us, or at least I'm feeling it. I don't know if you are, but I am. And it may surprise you that she may not be feeling it to the severity that you are. You just may be a guy that she's flirting with and she finds it fun and that's it. That's the end of it. She has no interest in anything further. But then you go to the wife and say, um, okay, you want to work on this? Great. 30-something-year-old, get out of here. And you put in the work and prepare to be Mr. Patient, to have your patience tested, because this is going to take weeks, months, and years of work. If you decide to go with Plan B, which is, now let me get a little something on the side and keep the marriage going because I can't lose all the comfort and stability of the marriage, and I don't want to lose half my business and all the, you know, all the nonsense that goes with divorce. Let's do a little something on the side. Um, your wife, let's say she suddenly senses this change in you and she gets a little scared. Women, you know, women's intuition, it's a thing. They were able to pick up on those little subtle cues a lot, you know, more so than what us men are. And she'll sense you're a new man. You're walking taller. You're not chasing her anymore. She's not getting that little bit of validation from the guy who seems to be really hungry and starving for her affection because you're probably a Mr. Anxious guy and, you know, in your attachment style, Mr. Anxious, and she's probably Ms. Avoidant. And for a lot of those avoidant types, when they lose their, Oh, supply of, you know, that little drip that they get every now and then that feeds their ego, that makes them feel like a wanted creature. When that goes away, they're like, hey, where'd Mr. Desperate go to? And she'll start coming around more. And if she's like some, not all, but if she's like some, she will actually overtly hit on you and try to initiate with you. And what you'll find is, oh, after being with 30-something-year-old I don't necessarily want my wife anymore. And that is not a condemnation of wife, that is just an illustration of human nature. There is nothing, period, that your wife of so many years that you have all this resentment and baggage with and just a history with, even if you had a completely positive history, there's nothing that your long-term wife can do to match the energy that you will get from new gal. We are engineered as human beings to to come to life with a new partner. We— there's science behind this. Our, our sex drive goes through the roof when we introduce a new partner. The refractory period, the period that men have between orgasms, shrinks down to nothing when we have a new partner. You know, we may tell our wife, you know, give me a day or two and I can go again, but with new partner, I'm ready, let's go. You know, 10 minutes later, let's go again. That's— nature has imprinted us with this. So you will feel the, the, the chemicals flowing through your brain. You will be madly in love with this woman, madly in lust with this woman. Everything will feel amazing. And then you'll look over to the wife and you'll be like, I don't think so. And, uh, it's not fair to the wife. You can't do both at the same time, dude. It's one or the other. You got to make your pick. So you need to take a long, hard look in the mirror. And what are your values as a man? Are you living up to those values? Is this what you want your kids to see when it comes to father? I think I know the answer to that. The fact that you're reaching out to me shows that you care and you have a good heart. You're conflicted about this— to have feelings for another human being while married to this one here, especially given the circumstances that you're in with the dead bedroom. Dude, don't feel guilty. You're a human being. Everybody is susceptible to having feelings for other human beings. It's just the way it is. Welcome to being a human being. What you do with said feelings, it's up to you, my man. If it's me, knowing how I am, you got to have that sit-down talk with the wife. Are we going to do this work or not? Because if not, let's just go our separate ways. This has been going on for years and years, this dead bedroom thing. Obviously, we have a disconnect. I've tried everything. Nothing's getting through to you. I'm inferring a lot here. I'm assuming a lot here. So let's just go our separate ways. And then you are able to pursue a relationship with gals like somebody in their early— the chick in her early 30s here. The chick in her early 30s may say, dude, I don't like you like that. I don't mind being flirty and stuff with you. Sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but if you want to have coffee or something, cool. But beyond that, no. And you're going to be out wandering alone in the world as Mr. Single Man. What now? Well, I'm reading your message here, and you said something that is very, very telling. I don't know if you know it or not. You said, and I quote, "I don't think a chance like this will ever arise again, and my teenage self would be shaking with envy to know that a woman this gorgeous, gorgeous was even interested in me." You got some shit you need to work out, dude. You don't like yourself very much. You don't think you have much value out there as a potential romantic partner to people. You're like, this is a prize that has dropped in my lap and it's never ever going to happen again. Dude, of course it'll happen again. You keep up with your Mr. High Status, looking good. You need to work on what's hip here more than anything, but you keep it up and you keep, you know, increasing your value, if you will. If you want to look at it from a very pragmatic, cold point of view. Um, there's going to be a lot of 30-somethings in your life from here on out. Trust me, okay? I know you're head over heels and falling in love for this woman, but she is not the one. That's a very unhealthy mindset to be in. I've heard guys on the internet call it oneitis, where this is the one, it's the only one. It's— it's not healthy. Leads to very codependent thing. And if you're an anxious guy, which it sounds like you may be, that just falls right in your wheelhouse, that you're becoming, you know, hyper-obsessed with this one, and it can be only one, and you're going to get your heart broken. No, you need to realize that this woman is illustrative of the fact that, oh, I, I got, I got what it takes. I'm not that bad after all. And you need to drop and work on, and eventually drop, a lot of this baggage that you have from your childhood. It sounds like, you know, you're a nerdy shy guy, probably picked on, Women treated you poorly or ignored you completely. Maybe boys picked on you, made you feel inferior. You need to work past that because that is coloring a lot of your perception with relationships later in life. Probably a big part of why you're in a dead bedroom with this woman and why you've hung on to a relationship that has been broken for so damn long. Maybe it's time to move on, dude. And maybe this 30-something gal is, uh, is a sign from the universe showing you, dude, You'll be all right. So Greg, thank you so much for your message, buddy. I appreciate it. Keep in touch. Check out our group, the DSO Fraternity. You're not alone. If you're going to go off, you know, on your own in life, or if you want to work on your marriage and, you know, put your nose to the grindstone and put in the work, because that's what it's going to take, a lot of work. Join our group. We have a lot of guys in your position. Either way, whichever way you go, DSOFraternity.com, and join us. Live meetings. We get together in person. We have private discussion forums, very, very active, where guys talk about this stuff 24/7 from around the world. So join us. All right, buddy, best luck.