Lana, 42, has been married 25 years but her husband won't touch her and calls her names. Ralph Brewer analyzes their attachment styles, calls out the emotional abuse, and tells her she's not stuck. At 42, fit and sexual, she has options.
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Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching, courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person. Real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting. Hello there. We have another Dear DSO entry on the website. And if you'd like to, you can submit your own entry to dadstartingover.com/dear-dso. DSO. And if it's a good one, I will respond to it here for the whole world to see. And this one comes from Lana, a woman. Happens every now and then. Subject line is, "Husband doesn't touch me." Uh-oh. Lana says, "I'm an attractive, pretty, fit, very sexual 42-year-old woman. I work out. I wear cute clothes." I try to look hot for my hubby. I'm the total opposite of what you normally talk about. I want sex way more than he does. I really just want him to hug me, touch me, etc. on a regular basis, but he doesn't, even after I've told him that I need that. He always expects me to initiate or it doesn't happen. Sound familiar, guys? I'm tired of not being pursued and his flippant energy. He does not have erectile dysfunction, but he does like taking blue pills occasionally. Not sure what that's about. He also has a lot of stress. Well, who doesn't? He has always been verbally abusive and at times, but I've gotten so used to it. I know he isn't cheating, but I've always wondered about other men due to his bedroom activities. I— do I want to know? 25 years of marriage here. If I'm gonna go, it needs to be now. I'm not getting any younger, but that's not what I want. My needs just don't matter here, and I don't feel loved. Any advice? Again, guys, does this sound familiar? I hear from ladies on occasion through social media. You can search for Dad Starting Over on Facebook, YouTube, TikTok, Instagram, get the occasional message from a lady. And this is kind of illustrative of the typical message I get. And it's pretty much word for word exactly what we hear from men. I'm tired of pursuing. This person just doesn't seem to really care. Emotionally abusive. I hear that from guys all the time about their partner, their wives. You kind of threw a, er, in this thing about you wondered if he's into other men. Because of bedroom activities? Uh, you are sexually incompatible. I wonder for how long this has been going on for, if this is a relatively new thing. You guys been together for 25 years. Uh, Lana, what's been going on for the 25 years? Has it just now come to a head? Is this a, uh, a woman who's experienced her sexual resurgence, a, a midlife thing, if you will? I'm not belittling or, or, uh, badmouthing you in any way. I'm just trying to understand why after 25 years suddenly this is a hot-button topic? What is it about now versus, you know, the previous 25 years? Maybe kids are out of the house, maybe they're all grown. That's a big driver for a lot of change, especially in women. We have a— this isn't your case, Lana, but I'm just trying to illustrate a point. We have a lot of women that are very avoidant in nature. They're kind of like your husband. They want nothing to do with their partner. They want nothing to do sexually or loving or anything. And the anxious partner, of which you are probably the pursuer, the preoccupied anxious partner, trying like hell, you know, you're putting on a dance here. Hey husband, you know, notice me, love me, look at me. And he's just yawning, right? Well, we have men go through the same thing, as you know, if you follow my material. And these men are sometimes surprised by a very avoidant wife who, once the kids are out of the house, says adios, I got a new partner over here, see you later. And the men are just floored. Like, number one, I didn't know there was another man, you know, lurking in the wings here. Number two, I didn't even know my wife had the energy for an affair or a second relationship. And who saw this coming? Maybe you're experiencing kind of a minor league version of this, a less nefarious, perfectly understandable version of this, which is kids in the house causes me to stick around in a abusive relationship, as you put it. Kids are out of the house, suddenly you're kind of lifted of that burden and of that responsibility, and everything is coming to the surface, and you're like, this really sucks. And you reach out to a guy like me and say, what do you think, dude? Well, yeah, I think she'd run for the hills. Sorry, um, if Lana, you're describing yourself, let's say you gave me your email, which she didn't, guys, so please don't reach out to me and ask for Lana's information. But if I were to put your, your information out there your inbox will get flooded with dudes saying, oh, hello, Lana. What you describe is very sought after in the single person world, Lana. So you will be fine. But with that being said, 25 years of marriage, you got the old sunk cost fallacy here. I've already put 25 years into this. For God's sake, I can't just walk away. Yes, you can. You're fundamentally incompatible in one big way. You've alluded to some verbal abuse on his part and you've just gotten used to it. It's just who he is. Not good. You've also alluded to potential other things with, is he gay or not? Interesting. So, I think what keeps you around is the familiarity, the comfort of the relationship, even though it's, you know, really, really abusive. And super extreme versions of this that we've seen over and over again with men and women alike is physical abuse. Woman goes to the hospital because the husband beat the shit out of her nearly to death. And you know, ask any cop, lawyer, whatever, they're like, oh yeah, we see it all the time. The woman goes crawling back to the guy. It's very unhealthy, dysfunctional way of going through life and relationships in particular. And I've seen a little bit of that here with you, Miss Lana. So yeah, Miss Lana, go enjoy the rest of your life. You're still young, 42. You still got it going on. Don't listen to a lot of those guys out there saying, no, you're over the hill, you hit the wall, or whatever else. Lana, my friend, you'll be fine. All right, thank you for reaching out.
