The episode opens with a promotion for the Help for Men Brotherhood, a community offering forums, Zoom meetings, coaching, and books for men dealing with dead bedrooms, divorce, loneliness, and life rebuilding. The host then reads a listener letter from C.S., a 52‑year‑old father whose 54‑year‑old wife has experienced menopause and a two‑year sexual shutdown, turning their marriage into a roommate situation. C.S. recounts failed attempts at hormone replacement therapy, tense conversations, couples therapy where his wife called sex "gross," and his own contemplation of separation despite deep love for her. The host provides a blunt, conversational analysis: menopause can cause a genuine mismatch in sexual desire; hormone therapy often fails; there is no quick fix. He normalizes the situation, noting many men experience similar shifts, and explains psychological phenomena like hysterical bonding. The host then outlines possible routes: continued therapy, acceptance of incompatibility, separation (including legal advice), or alternative arrangements such as open marriage. He emphasizes that the listener’s age, health, and attractiveness mean he can rebuild a fulfilling life, encouraging self‑worth and future dating. The episode ends with supportive encouragement and a reminder to submit more Dear DSO stories.
Chapters
Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person, real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting. All right, folks, we have a new Dear DSO entry on the website and you can submit your own story or question to deardso.com. Fill out the form, submit your question, and if it's a good one, I'll create a video out of it for the whole world to see. And don't forget, you do have the option of chatting with me one-on-one live, and we can talk it out here for everyone to see or listen to on the podcast, as it were. And this one comes from C.S., and he says, DSO— that's me, by the way— he says, hi, I'm a 52-year-old father of 2 grown kids. My low libido wife is 54 years of age and I'm going through the throes of menopause. We have a dead bedroom, meaning zero activity for 2 years and minimal contact in the years prior. Otherwise, we have a great relationship, he says. Heard that one a few times. I first had, quote, the talk with her about 2 years ago. And she ran the gamut from sympathy to anger all the way to apathy. She made an attempt to start hormone replacement therapy, but she quickly stopped when it made no change in her libido, and she found that she didn't like the side effects. We have had several more conversations in which I have told her our roommate situation, was not sustainable. We began couples therapy. During one of these sessions, she told the therapist that sex was basically gross and at our stage of the life/marriage, it's unnecessary. That was like a slap in the face. I told her I want to separate and she went off the rails, extremely distraught and then angry that I would leave her over a quote, medical condition. I told her that I would reconsider if she would take the— if she would take the situation seriously. Parentheses: I know, fool me once, dot dot dot. That was right before the holidays, and nothing changed. I once again told her that I was considering leaving, and she told me that she made an appointment with her OB-GYN to revisit the whole hormone replacement therapy thing. The issue now is, although I love her immensely, I don't know that I feel like I am attracted to her after 2 years as her roommate. And it sounds like even longer than that. I don't know that I would be back in if she suddenly started pursuing me. Interesting. Most people would say just leave. I love her and I'm honestly afraid at 52 of starting over again. But I'm in shape, I'm active, I like to get out, and I seem to be attractive to members of the opposite sex even at 52. I also don't want to spend the next 20 years of my life regretting staying. I feel immensely guilty for telling her for 2 years, quote, fix this or else. And now that she seems to have woken up, I'm not sure I want to. Thank you. See us. Well, um, if you're a fan or follower of mine and you've been, you know, watching videos or listening to the podcast, reading material, whatever, you know that this is just the boilerplate template for a kind of a— I don't know if it's your average, maybe that's being too, too harsh with the language, but a common, uh, dynamic between a man 50s. Sometimes we hear this scenario in the 40s, but usually 50s and up. So a 50-year-old or older gentleman who still has it going on in the physical, emotional department and is eager and ready to do the deed with wife. And wife is saying that has shut down completely. Thank you, menopause, aging, all this good stuff. As your wife puts it, that's just not in the cards at all anymore. She considers it gross. And unnecessary. So you have a very fundamental mismatch, don't you, my friend? Can't have your cake and eat it too. You can't want or desire a healthy sexual relationship while remaining in the relationship with this woman. I don't know how much more blunt I can get. Now, some people here in your story, you know, what I just read, said out loud here, and some people hearing that probably mostly women will say "Ralph that's a bit harsh." Guys we're talking 2 years of nothing between the two of them and prior to that minimal contact between the two of them— this woman is not a sexual creature! Let me qualify that further; This Woman Is Not A Sexual Creature When Within The Confines Of... traditional monogamous marriage. That is not unusual. That does not paint her as a monster. That's just how she's wired, probably. And she's not alone. There are a lot of men as well that are wired in this way. There are plenty of men out there that say, um, ever since my wife had a baby, I stopped seeing her as kind of this erotic sexual creature that I used to. I no longer lust for her as she walks across the room. Now I just see mom to my children, and I don't do fill-in-the-blank things with her anymore. I save that for girlfriends or mistresses, affair partners, something like that. Yeah, awful, but that happens. Some women are wired the same way. Now that I'm in the confines of this relationship, things kind of shut down, and I have no interest in restarting them. And then menopause hits, and they're like, oh yeah, I for sure have no interest, period, done. I'm just shutting down shop. And there's her very I'm going to say it, anxious, and I'm also going to say codependent husband who's saying, "I don't like this." Dude, a standard phrase of mine that I find myself saying more and more these days is, "I don't know what to tell you, man. There's no magic formula here. There's no sprinkle a little bit of fairy dust over your situation and suddenly your wife blossoms and turns into a sexual creature. This is who she is." If you have any semblance out of her of a, you know, resurgence isn't the right word, um, a newly discovered sexuality on her part at this stage in your relationship, you can guarantee that the origin of such emergence is an artifact of the fear of losing comfort and stability. Not a conniving thing on her part, It's not a pre-planned, "Let me hook this guy" thing on her part necessarily. Maybe in some cases, but most of the time it's a very real psychological phenomenon that we see in human beings, which is a heightened sense of connection and sexuality when the structure of their relationship is threatened. An extreme example of this is one person finds out that the other person, the other spouse, has had an affair. And what those people will report is that, oh wow, ever since the affair discovery, what a heightened sense of connection between my spouse and I. The person that was cheated on feels weird about that. Why am I, in essence, turned on by this connection, wanting to reconnect? And the person who was the cheater, they don't get it either, because as of just several weeks ago or longer, they wanted nothing to do with this person, which is why they went out and looked for it elsewhere. And now here they are coming together in a very strong way, but it fizzles out eventually, sometimes in just a matter of weeks, and they go back to square one again. And they look back and go, what the hell is that all about? It's a phenomenon known as hysterical bonding. I won't go into it because that's not the, the point of this message, but, you know, Google it. It's a thing. So you may experience some semblance of that. I'm going to the doctor. I'm working on us. Let me, you know, jump on you in bed. And you're like, woohoo, everything's fixed. And then 6 weeks later, you're like, we're back to square one again. I'm telling you, dude, I've heard it a million times. And again, I want to stress, this doesn't make her a monster. It just makes her a person who's probably not a good match for you. And let's be honest, probably not a good match for most healthy, physically and emotionally healthy men in relationships. To just be told, um, you now need to be a eunuch, I'm going to virtually castrate you, that side of your life is over, mister, sorry— no healthy man endures that. There are alternate ways of navigating through this mess. I don't necessarily condone them or promote them, But some people have used tools such as open marriages. All right, honey, if you and I can't work out, maybe I go get it elsewhere. Surprisingly, some wives and husbands in these situations are cool with that. Who am I to judge? But I'm willing to bet if she's like most women in that scenario, she would say, yeah, you do, and I'll take you for everything you're worth. So I don't know what to tell you, dude. I think if you remove yourself from the situation, Maybe a good middle ground is a separation period. You go elsewhere, she goes elsewhere. You probably need to consult with an attorney to decide who goes where. And I think with distance and time, the fog will clear from your eyes and you'll look back on this with clear vision and say, oh wow, this was effed up from day one. Day number one. And it took me all these years, kids and marriage and everything else, to finally wake up and go, what was I thinking? And then you will realize, you know, picking at some of the things you said here in your message, that 52 years of age, if you're in fact in shape, charming, not afraid of conversation, opening up to people, putting yourself out there, you'll be fine. Trust me. You'll be fine. There are plenty of men on the internet and otherwise to tell you, you know, differently. They'll say, oh no, no, I haven't had a date in 2 years, whatever. They may not be you, CS. A lot of guys have a lot of problems. Women too. Let's not listen to them. If you play your cards right, you will be fine. More than fine. All right, brother, best of luck to you. Thank you for reaching out. I appreciate it.
