A listener's wife has POTS, a condition causing severe fatigue and inability to stand, which has stopped their sex life. Host Ralph Brewer tells him his anger is misplaced: her illness is physical and real, and she needs support, not pressure. He also notes that having a child on the autism spectrum can mean a parent is neurodivergent too, affecting how couples communicate.
Chapters
Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person. Real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting. Hello everyone. We have yet another Dear DSO entry on the website.. And you can submit your own question or story to dadstartingover.com/dear-dso. And if it's a good one, I'll make a video of it here for the whole world to see. And this one comes from Help is his name, and the subject line is Wife Ill. He says, Dear DSO, my wife has a condition known as POTS. It's a cardiovascular condition which is very unpleasant. And causes issues doing daily tasks like standing up. It prevents enjoyable sex, so we just don't have sex until the condition is controlled. Parentheses, it's currently under investigation now. It's an odd way of putting it. I am in good physical shape and I have read your books, The Dead Bedroom Fix, he says. Today, after weeks of no sex, I blew up at my wife. We have an affectionate relationship with lots of kissing, butt slaps, and hand holding, etc. I also make a point to get out and do my own thing pretty much most days after work. I just don't have a clue when sex will come back or what I can do about the situation. I told her it's important. I tried to avoid overtly talking about it, but all the other methods like staying active and not being excessively needy didn't do a thing. We also have two kids, one of which is on the autism spectrum. Which is very exhausting for both of us at times. Any advice would be appreciated. Many thanks. Help. Okay, in my book, The Dead Bedroom Fix, what's the very first thing I said at the beginning? And if it sounds like I'm yelling at you, it's because I'm yelling at you a little bit here. I said the book assumes that your wife is healthy. I said in the book, I can't tell you how many times men have told me, you know, ever since my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer, or ever since she had that surgery, or ever since she gave birth to the twins 6 weeks ago, or whatever it is, sex has just gone downhill. And I'm like, dude, of course she's a human being. She's going through some shit. Be patient with her. Be understanding. Be empathetic. And then in the book I said, for better or for worse, remember, your wife has a condition which I am somewhat familiar with. I had to Google it. All I know of POTS is I've heard this quite a bit. It's, it's not common, but it's more common in women than in men. I can— what I've always known it as the condition where you stand up and you can easily pass out. But from what I understand, there's a lot more going on under the surface. It's a very real physical condition, and unfortunately your wife has it. And obviously it's going to prevent a lot of physical things, like she's not going to go out and play a game of basketball, and probably sex with her husband is a little rough on her. Understandable. The impression you're giving, and it's not really fair to judge based upon, you know, some text on the screen, but that's all I have to go on is, you know, what you tell me. Here in your message. Needy guy? Yeah, probably. Anxious guy? Yeah, overthinking things, you know. A horny dude? Sure. But also not the most empathetic, not the nicest guy in the world, to be quite honest with you. Kind of shitty of you. Your wife has a physical problem, a medical condition. It prohibits her from doing physical, you know, things where she exerts her body in a certain way. And that involves sexual intercourse with her husband. And you say you guys are loving to each other, but yeah, doing that extra act is tough for her. So you're not doing it. And you're like, I don't know what to do. And you're causing fights and you're doing everything else. I don't know what to tell you, dude. You want me to wave a magic wand and her condition goes away? Are you wanting me to tell you like she's being an asshole for having a physical condition which prohibits her from having sex with her husband? You're not coming across as the nicest dude in the world. I'm sorry. You're potentially a little— I don't know how to put this— emotionally ignorant, perhaps. You know, not reading the room. You know, your wife has this serious medical condition. That's pretty much it, dude. That's everything right there. Be empathetic, sweet, loving, and understanding to your partner who's going through some shit. But you throw in some stuff like, hey, I'm in good physical shape. Like, what's that have to do with anything? And then you're like, I go out and do my own thing. Okay, most healthy people, men and women alike, go out and do their own thing. Most healthy people, men and women alike, you know, go exercise. You're just rattling off healthy things that you do. You try to avoid overtly talking about it, but all the other methods like staying active and not being excessively needy don't seem to be doing a thing. Well, again, dude, giant elephant in the room. Your wife's sick. It's the equivalent of if you had a fever of 105 and you feel like you're on your deathbed, you have a horrible flu or something, and your wife comes in and says, can you Go mow the yard. And when you're like, I really don't feel like, I feel like I'm gonna die, and she gets upset at you, said you're less than a husband for not mowing the yard just because you have the flu. I've talked about this before where I'll have some men that just seem really, you know, this is gonna sound like I'm being a little insensitive here, but it is somewhat similar to men that I talk to that have a very difficult time with, you know, the term I used earlier, reading the room. I talk to a lot of men that are, you know, qualify as neurodivergent, a lot of them on the autism spectrum. And for some of those men, you have to tell them, you know, what you just did there was considered, yeah, not good, dude. And that's what I'm saying to you with some of this stuff. You know, when you talk about, I look like this, I do this, yada yada yada, how come it doesn't lead to sex? I'm like, something's not adding up here. And you have a child that's on the spectrum. And that is not uncommon, if you know, for people that are also on the spectrum. Chances of you having a child on the spectrum go up exponentially if you yourself are on the autism spectrum. Just throwing that out there. I'm trying not to be insulting. If you can tell, I'm trying to be careful with this because I'm not a medical professional. But maybe it's not the first time you've heard this. Sometimes I've said this to some men and they say, "Yeah, my wife says the same thing." Maybe something to look into. But anyway, I've heard from one guy who, uh, to illustrate how extreme this can get, whose wife was a paranoid schizophrenic. She saw things, she heard things. She was heavily medicated, which had a whole host of, you know, problems associated, side effects with these medications. And the guy was upset because their sexual activity was down to nothing. Dude, your wife is schizophrenic, she's heavily medicated, what the hell? Last thing you need to worry about. And then the guy said to me, well, I'm really working on my six-pack. I almost have like, like 4 of my abs in. It's the last 2 at the bottom that I can't quite get in. And I'm like, dude, what? And dude, yours is like a minor league version of that. Your wife's not schizophrenic or whatever, but you know where I'm going with this. You need to shape up, be there for your wife, okay? I don't know if you're insinuating that you think her condition is all mental in nature. Um, you know, I have some guys that they have a wife who has a condition such as fibromyalgia, which is— depending on which doctor you talk to, some doctors roll their eyes and go, oh God. Um, it is a condition that is predominantly women suffer from it. Uh, the women are in very real pain, they are in very real, uh, lethargy. They, you know, can't move, exhaustion and so forth. And a treatment for that condition is often antidepressants. So a lot of men feel very angry towards their spouse for having a condition that has basically led to a substandard version of their relationship. And from what he can gather, it's all in her head. But I don't think that's your case here. I'm no doctor. POTS is a known condition. Yes, it's mostly suffered by women, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it's anxiety-based or stress-based or whatever. You know, could be a very real physical thing here. You're not a doctor either, so be nice, be empathetic, be a sweet guy, take care of your wife. Stop worrying so much about you're gonna do the hokey pokey or not. All right, brother, thanks for reaching out.
