A father writes about his deteriorating marriage, loss of intimacy, and concerns about his wife's abusive behavior and possible postpartum depression. The host outlines a plan: secure the children's safety, consult a lawyer, confront his wife with a witness, demand she seek treatment, and leave with the kids if she refuses.
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Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching, courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person. Real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting. Dear DSO, I've always said that I'm a family man. I'm a husband and father above all else. I've defined myself by those roles. I pride myself on being a man of integrity and honor, and I would do anything on earth to protect my family in any way. I came from a great family, and my mom and dad are still together after 41 years. My grandparents on my mom's side are still together after 63 years. I've learned a lot from them about what it means to keep a marriage going. A friend of mine sent me a link to your book, The Dead Bedroom Fix, and he said that he thought I might like it. After reading it, I realized that I've been the provider guy, and so was my friend. I knew that he was going through some changes, but I just joked with him about having a midlife crisis. He told me that his life has never been better and he's banging his wife like they did back when they first started dating. That sounded great to me, so I read the book. Now I just feel worse, to be honest. I've read your articles on the site and I would say that my wife is what you like to call a quote, broken woman. She does not come from a good family. The exact opposite. She has had really bad luck with men. She had a kid when we met. I've raised our daughter as my own since she was 1 year old. Now that we've had a kid of our own, all the bad stuff is starting to come out. I realize now that she's been abusive, and she really has a lot of problems. Our lack of sex is really just the beginning. I won't tell you all the details, but it's bad. I told my friend all about what I've been through over the past 2 years, and he told me to talk to an attorney and get custody of my kids. He thinks that I will probably get them. Which brings me to my problem. I don't just give up. These days everyone just walks away from marriage like it's no big deal. I'm not like that. We had an amazing marriage before our kid was born. She was a fantastic woman. I don't know if it's postpartum depression that made her change, or if it's like you say, just a matter of her being a quote broken woman and having the kids brought it out of her. I really don't know what to do. It's gotten so bad that I worry about the safety of my kids. I'm getting physical problems from the stress. What would you do in my case? Well, I will keep it simple. The only hope that you have of quote fixing this is if your wife admits to having an issue and agrees to actively get help with it. From my experience talking to readers, This is about as rare as a Sasquatch sighting. If you genuinely feel the kids are in danger, then get help now, not later. Get the kids out of that house. Enlist friends or family to watch them. This is not time to be Mr. Agreeable Guy. It's Mr. Asshole Guy time. You don't want the kids to get hurt or worse and live your life in regret for not doing something about it. Next step, go to an attorney to figure out where you stand financially and otherwise in case of divorce, and then write up a divorce agreement that is fair to all. Step 3, take a friend or family member with you and confront the wife and tell her that she has issues and she needs help. Tell her without help, you and the kids do not remain in the home. If she's like most in her position, She won't take that well. You present the divorce agreement. You tell her to look it over, get an attorney if she wants, but that you and the kids will be out of the home until she gets help. You love her and you believe in her and you hope that she does the right thing, but you can't live like this. It's not good for you or for the kids. Have the friend or family member record the encounter from the moment you walk in the door to the moment you leave. Now the ball is in your wife's court. She really has to sell you on the concept of actively getting help. This sounds serious, so this may be inpatient facility kind of help. This is like back when we were kids and somebody's mom went to the nervous hospital for a while and suddenly returned a new woman. You have your work cut out for you. If you're like most, you'll lose patience and gain a sense of self-worth that you don't have when you're with an abusive spouse. Good luck to you, my friend. Please take care of yourself and take care of those kids. They're going to need you.
