Ralph Brewer answers a listener asking whether to tell his wife about a cancer diagnosis. The man describes 13-15 years with almost no intimacy and a wife he sees as a roommate. Brewer says he must tell her and urges him to seek help and consider leaving the relationship.
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It's not what you think. Subject line is, "Should I tell my roommate that I am sick?" Hmm? He says, "My quote," he puts it in quote, "wife," and I are just roommates at this point. Ah, no sex/intimacy at all for the past 5 years and only once or twice a year for the 8 to 10 years prior. I am not leaving because of religion, kids, etc. He puts in parentheses here, stupid, yes, but it is what it is. At home, we hang out at different floors and do not sleep in the same room. I was recently diagnosed with cancer, but I have literally told no one. Oof. Medical staff say I owe it to her to tell her. I do not want to, as she always turns everything into how she is impacted, and I honestly don't want to hear it. I will not need/want her, but feeling pressured to disclose. Is it okay to keep this to myself? Then he puts in parentheses again, the kids will be informed when it is appropriate. Thanks for any thoughts on this. First of all, Secret Keeper, I am so sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I hope, uh, You know, with cancer there's different, you know, stages, I guess, severity. Whatever it is that you got going on, dude, I hope, hope it all works out for you and you come out okay. Um, but man, there's a lot to, as they say, unpack here in this, uh, message here. Um, first of all, the sexless relationship for 5 years, and prior to that, for the 8 to 10 years prior, you were only like, uh, once or twice a year. So you have been basically in a sexless marriage, zero intimacy for like 13 to 15 years. Oh boy. So right away, you know, when a person tells me this and they don't leave said relationship or take, you know, concrete steps to try and resolve this very early on, like, you know, I always tell folks, and it's my own personal perspective on this, and It's ultimately, ultimately the only one I have, right? But if, uh, my wife and I, knowing us, if suddenly we went into a zero intimacy mode, I'd probably, after week number 1, I would say, you okay? What's up? What's going on with you? What's going on with us? Literally week 1, because that's how, you know, out of normal it would be. So to hear people tell me like, no, I've been doing this shit for like 13, 15 years, I'm like Something's not quite right here. One or both, usually both, have some pretty serious issues. A lot of elephants in the room being ignored, so to speak. As I say, the sexlessness, zero intimacy in a relationship is the canary in the coal mine for some much bigger issues. Unlike what a lot of really pathologically broken human beings will tell you, it's not a small part of the relationship. It's huge. So much so that it's, like I say, it's an indicator of other big things going on. And then you hint at, or just outright say, that your wife displays some narcissistic traits, which usually goes hand in hand with these kind of situations, where she turns everything into her and how she is impacted. And then you're at this point in your life, you're like, "And I don't want to hear it." I, you know, she's the mother to your children. Like, yeah, you should, you should tell her. What are you scared of? That's basically what you're saying is that you're fearful. Okay, let's say she's like, oh my God, you have cancer. Now what am I going to do? Am I going to have to quit my job? Am I going to have to stay at home with you and nurse you back to health? I don't know if I want to do that. You know, something really, really awful like that. Like, oh God, you're going to get super sick and I can't be your nurse. I can't, you know, feed you, wipe your butt and do everything else. This is terrible. I got kids to take care of. Which brings up my next question. You mentioned kids, like you're in this relationship because of religion, kids, etc., in your words. And then you say, um, the kids will be informed when it's appropriate, which kind of makes me think, are these kids like adults? Like you're gonna call up, you know, your son on the phone because he lives away from home and just say, hey, just to let you know, because the kids will be informed when appropriate. If they're young kids still under your roof If they know, mom's gonna know, right? Like, I'm, you know, I'm kind of confused here. Yeah, tell the wife. You're scared of what, that she's going to turn this into a narcissistic thing and spin it out of control? Well, so what, dude? You know, 13, 15 years of zero intimacy, and you are now going into what we call a codependent kind of relationship. This is wildly mentally and emotionally unhealthy. You got something going on. What's going on here, Secret Keeper? You're not telling us the full story. Um, there's probably, what, some abuse in your childhood, which is why you're with, frankly, an abusive person now. You got to get on top of that. It's funny, you're, uh, this is a very dramatic message here. I have cancer and I'm scared to tell my wife. And that's kind of on the surface you know what's going on. But when you peel back the layers of the onion, it gets really nasty looking here. You know, the sexlessness for so long, wife makes everything about her. We keep peeling the onion back, keep digging, keep digging, and I have a feeling we're going to find some really not so good stuff. So it's almost as if this is kind of a, um, subversive cry for help on your part. Um, you need to get some help, dude. Yeah, tell the wife. You know, she's literally your roommate. Would you tell your roommate, the person you live with? Not only is she a roommate, she's the co-parent to kids. Yeah, tell her. So what if she blows her lid and turns into some narcissistic thing? F her, whatever. You're going to need somebody to help take care of you, I assume, during all this treatment and so forth. You're not alone. There are lots of people out there, medical professionals and otherwise. There's a support system out there for people like you. You just have to raise your hand and say, help. And it sounds like your wife's not the one to raise your hand to, so to speak. But, uh, um, get help, brother. And when you are of, you know, able-bodied and you get past this and you beat this, get the hell away from this woman. I know religion and kids and everything. I'm sorry, I'm so tired of hearing this. Um, I have full respect for people in their religion and their moral obligations and so forth, but But when I hear, and I have a feeling there's a lot more to the story you're not telling us that probably borders on abuse on her part. I've heard it all, so you're giving me all the earmarks of this is probably really ugly when you keep digging. People use their religion and their vows and so forth as a crutch, basically. It's a really quick way of shooing away any kind of personal responsibility. It's a really quick way of ignoring the codependent relationship that you have cultivated all these years. Nah, religion, kids. It's like, oh, okay, never mind then. No, I'm not gonna be one of those, oh, never mind then guys. You still gotta get the hell outta Dodge. You gotta yank your head outta your ass. You need to go get some help. All right, brother, best of luck to you. Let us know how this cancer thing turns out, and wish you all the best, brother. All right, thanks for writing in.
