Dear DSO: "Why Won't He Propose?!"

Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching, courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person. Real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting. Hello everyone, DSO here from dadstartingover.com. Today we have a new Dear DSO entry on the website, and this one comes from Vanessa. Oh, and by the way, you can submit your own Dear DSO question or story to dadstartingover.com/dear-dso. And if it's a good one, I will address it here in video format. Again, this one comes from Vanessa and the subject line is 7 Years Engaged. I, a 41-year-old female, and my partner, a 39-year-old male, have been together for 18 years. I have no doubt that he is committed to me. He loves me. He's 100% faithful. He tells me I'm beautiful every day. We have 2 children together, a 10-year-old girl and an 8-year-old boy. We've now been engaged for 7 years, never married. We almost broke up before he proposed simply because he hadn't proposed. I know I'm a doormat and a people pleaser. I try to not rock the boat, and I generally live life with a roll with the punches kind of attitude. Trying to never stir the pot. However, I'm starting to acknowledge the resentment I've built at never tying the knot. He says he'll marry me tomorrow at the courthouse. I don't want that. He says, well, then plan the wedding and he'll show up. But I'll suggest a place or a date, and we can't even agree on that. I've given up 5 years ago, resigned that he doesn't need the paper, he says, to be my man. How do I stop the resentment from building further and work towards a healthier relationship? Well, Vanessa, thank you for writing in. I guess my question, I would then, you know, if I put you two in front of me in a room, I'd look at him and go, dude, what is it about marriage that scares you so much? What is it about officially tying the knot with old Vanessa here? Because I mean, let's be honest, you guys are basically in the eyes of the law, what we call a common— I think it's called common law marriage. The, you know, the, the law, the state, if you will, basically looks at you and says, you've been together for X number of years, you got 2 kids, you're sharing all these assets, you are in essence married. Um, you know, when it comes to who has rights to what, and, uh, I would go to the husband, or I would go to an attorney rather, and I would say, is there any pluses or minuses as far as the man is concerned? Or no, that's not exactly fair. Are there any pluses or minuses as far as either partner is concerned with getting married? In other words, would getting a marriage certificate and going through the process and everything, um, take the risk in some way? I don't know what that risk may be financially or otherwise. Would it take it from here to here, you know, bump it up a notch? Um, maybe he's done that homework and he realizes, you know, I don't want to go from here to here risk-wise. I want to stay down here. I feel more comfortable here. Have you, Vanessa, asked him, what is it about marriage that scares you so much? And if he starts hemming and hawing about it, I'm not scared, but you know, we'll get married tomorrow at the courthouse if you want to. To his credit, he did say that, but I bet you that's kind of a passive-aggressive, sneaky way, because he knows that you are going to say no to that, so he can, you know, very confidently throw that out there. So maybe call his bluff. Okay, cool. Courthouse tomorrow, 8 AM. Let's go see what he says. I bet you he'll be like, no, I can't tomorrow, I got stuff to do. And I think he'll just keep kicking that can down the road. In other words, there's something with— I was going to call him hubby, basically what he is, hubby here. Something's scaring him off from the marriage thing. Now, again, it doesn't take rocket science to figure out why a lot of men are scared of marriage these days. It's a very risky proposition in a lot of men's eyes. Um, I'll get, you know, if we divorce, she'll screw me out of so much money, I'll lose my kids, etc., etc. But again, I think any attorney would tell you at this point, dude, you've been together for so long, two kids together, all these shares, shared assets, I presume, and everything else. You are basically married. And yes, she can take you for whatever at this point. So don't think that this marriage certificate is going to bump up your risk in that regard. I'm no attorney. I don't know where you live, et cetera, et cetera. I don't know. Maybe talk to a professional when it comes to that kind of stuff. But I'm just curious what it is that scares him so much about the marriage thing. Now to you, Vanessa, what is it that makes you want it so much? Is it just the romance of it? To go through the ceremony of it? To officially, you know, in front of the eyes of your God or religion or your family or whatever to make it official. What is it about it that you want so badly to the point of having resentment, a point of, you know, kind of questioning this relationship? I know you didn't say that, but that's basically what you're saying by reaching out to me. He's like, dude, I'm questioning this relationship. That's how much this means to me. Why? What is it about that? Um, you know, again, if he says, let's just go to courthouse tomorrow, you're like, that ain't it. So it's not necessarily the legality of it. It's the more of the ceremony of it, the meaning behind it. And you want to see him get more involved in it other than, hey, pick the place and I'll be there. Um, if I, if, you know, I was this dude's friend, I'm like, dude, that's not nice. Don't do that shit. You know how important it is to her. You put a little bit more effort into it than that. Um, so, you know, double-edged sword here, I guess, is the metaphor. I don't know. He's saying, eh, I don't really give a shit, I don't care. And you're like, this is very important to me. And I would ask why, why to both of you. And if you make enough of a case that it is so important, and here's the 20 reasons why it's so important to me, and I don't think I'm weird for feeling that way, and I think my opinion on the matter is pretty legit and pretty important, well then, if it's so important, maybe this is one of those things to say adiós to, or this is a big enough issue that it's enough for you to call her quits. If it's not, if that makes you go, dude, no, I don't want to call it quits over this, then you're gonna have to shelve it. You have to get over it. In other words, you're gonna have to— yeah, what's, what's the, what's the solution here? Get over it, move on, or find a way to get married and deal with the fact that your hubby's just going to be like, whatever, through the whole process and just go through the motions. It won't be the most romantic storybook thing in the world. I can tell you that now. And let's be honest, even if he did finally say, okay, let's go, and he'll be involved in the process, you'll get all the way to the end, you'd be like, he's still not quite there. He's just— it's not what I envisioned for my spouse and my groom in the wedding. This is just not what I thought. It's never going to be quite there, Vanessa. Let's be honest. After so many years and kids together, the honeymoon stage is quite over, and it's been quite over for a while. And you can see when men exit that honeymoon stage, it's their own version of the bait and switch, if you will. Women typically— when men look at women in the marriage world, they say, we were so hot and heavy and sexual and romantic, and she validated me and made me feel like a king. And then we said I do, and often it's I do and then had some kids, and then that just changed like that. She's a completely different person. And men refer to that as the old bait and switch. You know, she, as soon as she got the marriage that she wanted and the kids, she's just like, "Shoo, I don't have to do this shit anymore." Men have their own little version of that, which is, "Shoo, now that I got the wife and everything's comfortable and all that stuff, I don't have to put on the over-the-top act of love and romance and everything else and doing those little things that made her feel special. I got the prize of the woman. I don't have to put in that work 'cause that's very unnatural to me." And you know, You know, unless I'm in the throes of the lustfulness and love of the new relationship, that stuff doesn't come out of me naturally. It just lays dormant. And maybe that's what you're seeing here. So I don't know exactly what it is that you want out of this, Vanessa. How do I stop the resentment from building further? Well, the only way to do that is to either— is to come to a solution in some way. And the solution again is either It is what it is. This is my hubs. Nothing's ever going to change that. I just have to learn to accept it and move on or figure out a way to get married that's going to make you happy or, you know, call her quits. From where I sit, that's pretty much it, isn't it? I don't know. For people that are watching this, what do you guys think for old Vanessa here? And Vanessa, thank you so very much for writing in. Appreciate it.