A husband says his wife has become withdrawn and angry after nine years of marriage, with new demands and mental breakdowns. Ralph Brewer suggests getting her hormones checked for menopause, trying couples therapy, and making sure he stays healthy through exercise and friends. If nothing changes, divorce is an option.
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Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching, courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person, real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting. All right, we have another Dear DSO entry on the website, and you can submit your own story to dadstartingover.com/dear-dso. DSO, and if it's a good one, I will read it here for the whole world to see. And this one comes from Mr. Nice Guy No More. Subject line is, wife is a zombie. It's not very nice. He says, I have been married to my wife for 11 years and have 2 kids together. For years, I made the 5 mistakes a guideline for my marriage. The 5 mistakes are in reference to something I wrote about in my book, The Dead Bedroom Fix, which is available wherever books are sold. You can go to deadbedroomfix.com. He says, uh, I lost my place here, but around year 9 of my marriage, I noticed my wife withdrawing and only having sex with me if I rub her feet or whatnot. He says, I would love to know what the whatnot is. She also started being more of a bitch to everyone, his words, not mine, and having more mental breakdowns. That's not good. Let's kind of put that on the shelf for now. Uh, recently I have stopped doing the transactional sex, and she says, if you don't do this, I won't have sex with you. I just say, okay, good for you, dude. And she gets pissed. I bet she does. I hit the gym 6 days a week, and I have started going out with the guys more. Am I on the right track? I don't know, what's, what's your goal here, mister? You've been with her 11 years. You say by year 9 is when you notice things suddenly change. Um, so for the past 2 years, if my math is correct, um, you've had this, uh, different wife living in the home with you, so to speak. And she sounds like she's a real handful. Sounds like she's going through some stuff. She's withdrawing. She's wanting stuff from you, foot rubs and whatnot, whatever that may mean, maybe back rubs and so forth. And she started being a real bitch to everybody and having more mental breakdowns. Can we just pause there? What? That's not something just to gloss over. People don't have routine mental breakdowns. People that are, um, that have issues, mental and emotional issues, They have mental breakdowns. It's kind of funny how kind of people just gloss over stuff like this. I remember, uh, one time I had a guy who glossed over the fact that his wife, um, ran into traffic, uh, to try and kill herself, and he just glossed over that like it was nothing. I'm like, yo, whoa, what? Turns out that was one in a series of things that she did. Oh well, just a crazy lady, they do that sometimes. No, it's kind of a quasi-sexist thing where we give the ladies a pass for a lot of stuff, including real mental illness stuff, which routine repeat. You say she's having more mental breakdowns, which kind of, uh, has the connotation of she had them before but infrequently, and now they're more and more, and she's being really mean to everybody, a bitch as you say. And she expects you to do things for her, to rub her feet, or else she won't have sex with you anymore. And you're like, okay, fine. And then she gets really, really mad about that. And, uh, okay, wife has problems. Uh, the negative is, is that there's only so much you can do, as I'm sure you're aware. Um, is she depressed? Don't know, she might be. Okay, ladies watching this are gonna get pissed, but let's all be realistic here, shall we? Some people, when they go through hormonal changes, such as menopause, it really messes with them mentally, emotionally. Not always, dare I say, probably not the majority react in this way, but some people do. Some women do. When the hormone knobs get cranked down, men are like, who the hell is this woman? I don't know this person. I don't like this person. This person needs help. And sometimes the men strong-arm the woman and say, you throwing things, being angry, and yelling at the kids and everything else. This is no good. We need to go to the doctor. And the doctor will be like, yeah, sure enough, you have no estrogen left, and your progesterone's down, and your testosterone— you're just, you're having hot flashes, right? Yeah. And you're just angry and irritable at the world, and this is no good. Let's put you on some hormonal replacement therapy. And voilà, their wife is back. That happens for some. What percentage? I don't know. Well, others, it's— they got to go on the old, uh, um, oh, well, there's some SSRIs. Not a huge fan for a lot of people with that, but it really, really helps some people. And other pharmaceutical agents to assist. But, um, yeah, you're throwing out little tidbits of things that make me go, 'Ruh-roh, something's going on here.' So, um, she needs to get help, and you guys need to get help on how to deal with this together. Wifey, this is, you know, having mental breakdowns, screaming at everybody. You will only touch me if I do things for you. And none of this is good. Let's get to the bottom of it. Now, if she gives you the middle finger and says, go fuck yourself, what more can you do other than slide the old divorce papers across the table? Sometimes that does it, dude. Sometimes the women go, oh, you're serious. I'm about to lose everything. Okay, what do we need to do? You go to the doctor, we need to go to therapy together, we need to talk to somebody, etc., etc. Now, you're hitting the gym 6 days a week. All right, cool. Maybe a little excessive. I don't know how old you are. You know, a 60-year-old man who tells me I'm hitting the gym 6 days a week, I'm like, dude, are you okay? You're gonna start breaking down. Some men are built to withstand that. You started going out more with the guys. These are healthy things. So am I on the right track? You should do those things regardless. Take care of your body. Be fit, be healthy, and socialize with other people, specifically men. Every dude should do that regardless of your situation. My book, The Dead Bedroom Fix, could also be entitled How to Be a Healthy Dude, which puts you in the situation which you are more likely to arouse sexual desire within your partner. Kind of a long title, but Dead Bedroom Fix gets the job done here. It's more succinct. So anywho, wife needs help. Yes, keep doing what you're doing. Don't pussyfoot around this. Don't kick the can down the road. Don't just ignore the elephant in the room. Insert analogy here. Yeah, she needs some help, dude. So what are you gonna do to get her that help or light a fire under her ass to help herself? That's your next steps, 'cause this is not sustainable. All right, brother, best of luck to you.
