In this episode of the Dad Starting Over podcast, the host begins by promoting the Help for Men Brotherhood, a community offering forums, live Zooms, coaching, and free access to his books for men dealing with dead bedrooms, divorce, loneliness, and life rebuilding. He then reads a listener submission (pseudonym "Could Be Worse") who feels like a "dirtbag" for using his wife during infrequent, intense sexual sessions when she cannot orgasm due to unspecified health issues. The listener describes a consensual dynamic where his wife enjoys being "used" even without climax, but he feels guilty and insecure. The host analyzes the situation, explaining that female sexual response often requires a longer, more complex progression than male response, and that health conditions, hormonal changes, age, and menstrual cycle can impede orgasm. He emphasizes that the wife's expressed consent and enjoyment are valid, and that the listener's guilt likely stems from his own insecurities rather than any wrongdoing. He advises the listener to reflect on his comfort level, communicate openly, respect boundaries, and not feel compelled to perform acts that make him uncomfortable. The host also references broader themes such as women’s fantasies of dominance, the prevalence of S&M experimentation among mid‑life couples, and the cultural pressure on men to never refuse sex. Finally, he invites the listener (and other men) to seek one‑on‑one coaching, join the Brotherhood, and access his books, including The Dead Bedroom Fix (third edition, July 2024).
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Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching, courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person, real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting. All right, we have a new Dear DSO entry on the website, and you can submit your own question or story to dadstartingover.com/dear-dso. DSO, fill out the form, and if it's a good one, I will create a video out of it for the whole world to see. And this one comes from Could Be Worse. Subject line is, am I a dirtbag? Uh-oh. He says, first I want to say I read The Dead Bedroom Fix and I have implemented a lot of it, so thank you. Well, thank you for reading. Appreciate it. Check it out, Dead Bedroom Fix, deadbedroomfix.com. You can order on Amazon. Apple Books, Barnes Noble, Audible. That's the big version. The third edition of that book just came out in July 2024, so check it out. Um, he says, that being said, my wife has always had health issues that she doesn't seem to want to fix. That is a whole other issue, and I honestly, I may get coaching from you for that. Well, that just lends itself to all kinds of questions. What kind of health issues are we talking about? She doesn't want to fix it, and Maybe it's like obesity or something. Is that what you're referring to? Don't know. But anyway, um, real intimacy sessions are few and far between because of this, but they are amazing when they happen. In between those— he means the hot and heavy sessions that they have, the infrequent hot and heavy sessions— but he says, in between those, my wife has given me permission to, quote, use her. She has stated that she likes it. It revs her engine. Well, all right. And there are plenty of noises and smiles, but never the big O from her. Oh, so she seems to really enjoy it, likes it, but doesn't orgasm. Okay. I just feel like a dirtbag because our good sessions end very well for both parties, he says. Just, quote, taking what I want. It doesn't feel natural, especially knowing that she does have health issues. It's definitely not pity sex, but sometimes I feel like a dirtbag for just flipping her over and going to town. How would you approach this? This, this is a first. This is interesting though. Thank you. Could be worse. So, uh, the health issues again would have helped if you had said exactly what's going on here. Help paint a picture. I don't know what we're talking about here. I mean, it could be anywhere from MS to obesity to anything in between, I don't know. Um, but she is like— so if I'm trying to summarize everything, you guys get it on, it's awesome, but then she's like, I'm done for a while. I'm maybe energy-wise— again, if we knew what the illness was, it would maybe help explain some of this. So she's saying like, energy-wise, whatever, I can't get there to the point of the full-fledged session with the orgasm at the end. But I recognize, dude, that you still want to. And if what you say here is true, she's like, I kind of like it. I kind of like being used. You understand that that's not an unusual thing, not uncommon. Well, I'm trying to— I'm trying not to say the wrong thing here. It's not unusual for a woman to have a fantasy about a man being very assertive and taking control and she is out of control, but yet consenting fully to it. For a lot of women, that's a really sexy thing. And maybe that's what she's getting at here. And you say she's making all the right noises. She says it gets her going. But what bothers you, and I think this is a testimony more to your insecurity rather than to her deficiency, is you're like, but she doesn't orgasm, she doesn't finish. And that makes you feel bad. But she's telling you, dude, I like it, keep going, do the thing, whatever you want to call it. But you're like, I don't know if she does like it because she's not finishing. You know, sexuality is pretty complicated, especially for the ladies. We're more— it seems like us men are more— we're simpler. The mechanism at play there is more obvious. You know how we go from A to Z? It's pretty obvious when what it takes, and it doesn't take much for a lot of guys to get from A to Z. But for some women, it does take a lot to get from A, probably, dare I say, most women. There's a process to go from A to Z. They can't just jump right to it. That's why a lot of women say when men start performing certain acts on them, that the men are so convinced the woman wants right away, she's like, no, no, no, you jump from, you know, from A to Z, Z would be the orgasm. You jump right from A to R. In the alphabet. There's a lot of letters in between you need to hit before I'm able to do that. And that kind of takes a lot of men by surprise. This is especially true after you guys have been together forever. This isn't the honeymoon phase. You're not dating, you're not out, you know, doing whatever. It's you two have known each other forever. So there's gotta be a certain set of steps in order to get there. And due to her health condition, due to her, oh, lots of things, health condition, the time of the month for some women, where they're at on the timeline of life, perimenopausal, menopausal, whatever it may be. There's a lot of factors here which may prohibit her from, in that moment, from having an orgasm. And none of it has to do necessarily with you. So don't allow your insecurities, your anxieties, to get in the way of an enjoyable, fun, erotic, sexy time between two consenting people just because she didn't have the big O at the end. I know there's a lot of material out there, a lot of women, social media and so forth, saying there's the orgasm discrepancy between men and women. True. That a lot of men don't know what they're doing. True. But it sounds like you guys have communicated, you've come to a compromise. I don't even know if that's the right word. It's like, this is kind of a sexy thing between you two. Given her health issues, whatever that may be, you've come to this plan of attack, so to speak, of we have really good hot and heavy sessions, and then she's not able to get to the finish line during, you know, XYZ weeks of the month or the year or whatever it is, health condition, age, whatever outside factors it may be. But instead of just saying, beat it, dude, she's like, you know what I like? I like the whole taking advantage of thing. I like you being in total control and using me. That kind of gets me going. Have fun with it, dude. With that being said, if you're like, you know, I don't— that ain't me, I don't feel comfortable doing it, then don't do it. That's something that men don't hear a lot of. If you don't feel comfortable doing it, dude, then don't do it. I've had some men come to me about, my wife got really into this whole S&M thing. Not uncommon, especially for some women that are kind of, you know, in their 40s and 50s that are experimenting. They're trying to make up for lost time. Kids are out of the house. Let's they're reading their kinky romance novels and one thing leads to another and she's like, do you want to try this thing? And the man's like, not really, but he goes for it and he does it and he goes through the motions and he's getting like nothing out of it, but he just puts a smile on his face. And then sometimes it gets a little too, too far into some out there kind of stuff, at least by his estimation. And, uh, he's just like, I, I feel terrible telling her no cuz she really is— she's really into this. And I would say the same thing, dude, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Doesn't make you less of a man. And ironically, it's the men that are told often by our own gender, dude, suck it up. There is a mantra in a lot of relationship-oriented circles, never ever turn a woman down for sex ever, because that'll be the end of your relationship. Kind of interesting, isn't it? But dude, I guess, um, really sit down and think, what do you like, not like? Is this really a deal breaker? Do you really feel that bothered emotionally by this? Is that really leave you feeling dirty and gross and yuck? And does that tap into some kind of insecurity, something from your past that's really bad? Are you just wired in that way for whatever reason? Or is it that your insecurities are so tied to this woman's orgasm that it's ruining what is potentially a very awesome, normal, healthy experience between two people. I don't know, dude, only you can be the judge, but I would love to chat with you about this. This is an interesting one. Go to helpformen.com, go to coaching, helpformen.com/coaching. You'll see my pretty bald face on there and you can choose myself or any of the other guys on the team to chat with one-on-one. Or you can join our private members group for men only called the HFM Brotherhood. You can learn more at helpformen.com. Go to helpformen.com/join if you want to jump right to the page to join us. You get the private discussion groups, you get the live Zoom meetings, you get all my books for free, you get Austin's book for free, you get, you get to go to our in-person conferences. We got a podcast, we got all of our meetings are recorded, 800+ hours of audio content for you, plus you get the coaching like at half off. So it's kind of a win-win there if you join the private group, HFM Brotherhood. Learn more at helpformen.com. But, uh, could be worse. Thank you so much for a very interesting and thought-provoking message here. All right, thanks so much.
