In this episode of the Dad Starting Over podcast, host Ralph Brewer first promotes the Help for Men Brotherhood, a community offering forums, Zoom meetings, coaching, and resources for men coping with divorce, loneliness, and rebuilding their lives. He then shares a social‑media post he made asking newly divorced men how they feel about the prospect of having several long‑term relationships rather than a single “forever” partner. Listener responses range from sadness and fear of repeated heartbreak to a desire to avoid dating altogether. Brewer analyses these reactions, arguing that serial monogamy—repeated cycles of honeymoon, commitment, and eventual “eh” periods—is the typical post‑divorce reality. He explores why long‑term marriages stay together, identifying the “glue” of mutual need, shared obligations (children, house, finances), and societal expectations rather than sustained romantic passion. The episode outlines the honeymoon‑dip cycle, the challenges faced by 40‑plus divorced men re‑entering the dating market, and the emotional toll of placing one’s mental health in a single monogamous relationship. Brewer concludes with a reflective question about whether depression over serial monogamy signals unhealthy codependency, urging listeners to consider broader perspectives on relationship expectations.
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Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person, real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting. So I posted this the other day for those newly divorced folks hoping to get into a new relationship. What if you were told that you're going to have several long-term relationships and not one Mr. or Ms. Right? How does that make you feel? Interesting fuel for discussion. And here are some of the responses that I got from some guys. It makes me feel sad. I don't want several partners. I don't want to start over and over again. I want things to work and stay that way. Unfortunately, what I want and what is reality is not always the same. Very lonely. Yeah, I already learned that one. I'm done dating now. I just want to fuck and be left alone. I would love to have a person. I just lost mine 2 months ago. It seems she had Plan B. She didn't cheat, but was with him less than 2 weeks after the breakup. It seems liking all the lovey-dovey posts so soon. I don't know if I can go through this again. "I want a forever person next time. This hurts too bad to risk it again. That's why I don't intend on dating, not for a while." And, "Oof, this is depressing. Just about makes you not want to try." What is it about the idea of serial monogamy, is what we're talking about, having committed long-term relationships, plural. What is it about that that is such a turnoff and frankly so depressing to people? And why is it that I'm even mentioning this at all? Well, guys, from what I've seen, I'm sorry to say, that seems to be the reality for most people post-divorce. You're not gonna find the one forever and ever. You know, knock on wood, you do. I hope you do. From what I've seen anecdotally, just by virtue of the people that I'm talking to, that doesn't seem to be the case. It seems like what I've seen is that people find somebody, fall in love, commit, and then they will maybe cohabitate, maybe not, but they will be bonded to each other for a period of years. And then it kind of fizzles out, and then they go their separate ways, and then they break up, and they're heartbroken. But you know what? They find somebody else and they do it again, and that happens several times. Why is that? Why does it seem to be post-divorce it is so much more difficult to find somebody who just wants to commit and stay committed forever and ever? Well, this is shedding a light on something that's really kind of not so nice about this long-term marriage game. And that is, if we want to look at or pinpoint something that acts as a glue within the relationship, something that keeps you stuck together, sticking with the glue metaphor, it's the notion that I need her and she needs me. Often when you, you know, talk to people that are in long-term monogamous relationships, marriages, and you say, you know, you guys have been together 10, 15, 20+ years, are you madly in love with your partner? More often than not, the people will kind of smirk and say, I mean, not like over-the-top gaga in love. I love the person, but, you know, are we lustful for each other? Are we, you know, head over heels writing love notes on a daily basis kind of in love like what we had at the early stage of the relationship? No. Well then, what is it that keeps you together? Well, I'm committed to the person, and we got, you know, kids, got the house, we have all these commitments to each other. In other words, we're kind of caught in this family machine, if you will, this marriage machine, and to break that machine down, that's a very inconvenient and uncomfortable thing to even think about. I don't even want to conceive of that. I'm so caught up in this machine that to disrupt it sounds awful. So no, we'll just keep it going. And people that have been in relationships for long periods of time will tell you there's a lot of ups and downs. You could have just a fantastic run of, let's say, like 5 years. Let's say like the honeymoon stage. You meet each other, you fall in love, you're gaga for each other. It's wonderful, it's great. Let's get married, yahoo. Post-marriage, immediately post-marriage, it's great. And we're, you know, still basically getting to know each other. This is a wonderful thing. Let's have a child. Still a wonderful thing. And then stress. And then something happens. Somebody's parent dies, somebody loses a job, the kid is very, very stressful, hormonal changes, whatever it may be. And then you go through an "eh" period. And that "eh" period can last quite a while. And then, hey, another great year or two. And then "eh" again. What is it that basically keeps you glued through the "eh" Periods. Commitment, for some, morals, for some, like a religious foundation that kind of acts, you know, as a blanket over the relationship that kind of keeps things humming along. For others, it's basically, I need them and they need me. That old template back in the quote good old days of man works, brings home paycheck, wife runs, you know, the logistics of the family while he's gone, that quote worked for a while basically because She needed him and he needed her. And we have stats that show that more children you add to the mix increases the chances of staying together, simply because you need each other more than ever. You're adding a lot of responsibility to the equation. This is not the most romantic thing in the world, is it? You know, "I need you, you need me, that's why we're sticking together." It's not over-gaga lustfulness and love and romance. But that's reality. So we're saying that because now you're out in the dating world post-divorce. If you're a 40-plus-year-old dude, you're probably with a 40-plus-year-old gal. You probably have kids, both of you, from previous relationships. Been there, done that. Did the whole procreation thing. You both experienced this dip in the relationship, and for whatever reason, you didn't survive the dips. And it fizzled out. And now here you are again experiencing this new relationship energy honeymoon phase all over again, and it's amazing. And naturally, for most people, that's going to fizzle. You're going to experience that dip. And in that dip, you both look at each other and say, what is it that's keeping us around? The feel-good stuff has kind of fizzled. Now what? And one or both of you say I don't— I don't get why we're still together here. There's no machine or glue holding us together, arguably kind of artificially. This relationship is based on desire. It is not based on need. And therefore, it fizzles and you go your separate ways. And you're heartbroken. Eh, it takes a while. You lick your wounds and then you find somebody else and you do it all over again. From what I've seen, guys, I've been at this for a while now, that seems to be the template for a lot of people. And so when I put that out there as a post on my social media feeds, that's, um, that's just me being realistic. I'm not being cynical. I'm not being anti-marriage by any stretch. I'm just saying, this is what I see, guys. What do you think? And as we can see, a lot of people are downright depressed when they face that reality. Is that a condemnation of the relationship atmosphere that we're in now? Or does this kind of put a mirror in front of your face to say, you know, if you're so depressed by that prospect, maybe that's not a good thing about you. Maybe that shows a codependent streak in you that is not so good. Maybe that shows that you have put too much of your mental health into one basket, the strict long-term monogamous relationship basket. And when that fails, you're left with what exactly? Just food for thought, guys.
