DSO & Dr. Psych Mom - Do Women Experience Lower Libido After Marriage?

Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching, courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person. Real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting. Dr. Samantha Rodman-Whiten, question number 1 for you. Do women on average, in your experience, do they experience a substantial decrease in libido after the end of the honeymoon stage of the relationship? When you enter into the comfort stage of the relationship, when things become safe and secure and he's not going anywhere and she's not going anywhere. Is it a fact that for the average woman the libido tends to decrease?

100%. The libido always tends to decrease after the honeymoon stage unless it is some strange situation where the woman is not at all secure in the relationship. But, and, and then the libido can kind of fake stick around because it's, you know, reassurance-seeking. But in all healthy relationships, almost all, even the highest libido woman— hell, even the man— has some decrease in the desire to, to have sex because that's based on novelty and excitement. Men have such high testosterone levels compared to women that they can weather the, you know, the end of the honeymoon stage in a different way. And they don't even really— they may not even notice the decrease, although it is there. A refractory period for a man would shorten with the addition of a new partner. Uh, however, for women who start with less testosterone, monogamy, and basically 18 months to 3 years after commitment, because that's as long biologically as it takes to make a baby, have a baby, wean a baby, and then move on. So libido goes down. This doesn't mean she never wants to have sex, but it just is not that drunk, giddy new love uninhibited feeling. That is the outlier feeling. And then she goes back to whatever she was before, whatever she's innately going to be, which is again along the bell curve of high to low libido for women.

I did a little, uh, chart which I may include in this video where it shows, uh, I created it where it shows the honeymoon stage is, you know, you're typically pretty even with the man usually being still high, even higher than the woman, even in the honeymoon stage. But as soon as you hit the comfort, both dip down, but the men tend to dip down a little bit and kind of maintain thanks testosterone, at this consistent level while the woman's tends to go down and then we have spikes of that weekend away without the kids, ovulation.

Yeah, but also with the kids, it goes down like every time that you have like a child, you get pregnant, you nurse. Nursing basically puts your body into kind of menopause 'cause your body doesn't wanna make another baby. There's like, there's a lot of, and then menopause, you know? So there's a lot of different cliffs for the woman's libido to drop off.

And, but a lot of women hearing that, hearing me say it in particular, being a man, will rebut with, "It's not a natural thing that's happening. I'll tell you what's happening is that my partner has become a different person, and he's gone from Mr. Romantic to basically another kid in the house, and that's why it's a massive turn-off. If it wasn't for him becoming another child in the home, I would have the same libido that I had before." Oh yes, but that wouldn't be even remotely reasonable.

Both people respond to being in a different stage by acting, you know, a hell of a lot less romantic, you know, and that's just the way that it goes. Of course he's not planning dates every 3 seconds. You're not blowing him every 3 seconds either. Like, it's just not what it used to be on either side. Obviously, if the man is a tremendous jerk, then she is not going to want to sleep with him even when she's ovulating. She will consciously say no. I'm may want to have sex but not with him because he is so terrible. But if, if he's not so terrible, then women are looking around for kind of a reason that they don't feel like having sex. And a really good one is that he's annoying, because all human beings grow annoying to one another. But that is usually not the major one unless he is, again, a terrible jerk, completely emotionally barren, and really, you know, just awful. Then there are other reasons as well. The hugest one is What we're saying is the decrease of libido after the honeymoon stage.

And but a lot of people hear that and interpret that as, uh, well, this is yet another example for why we should never marry. Because, uh, especially men say this because we're so sex-focused. Um, because, uh, uh, um, my goal as a man is to, is to, uh, have as much sexual intercourse between now and the day I die as humanly possible. So if you're telling me that this saying I do is going to be a major detriment to that, well then I need to, you know, rethink my plan in life. Um, I, I don't think— we're not saying don't get married. What we're saying is go into it with realistic expectations and go into it with a realistic game plan for what it will take, Mr. High Libido, to get your needs met. And that's going to take novelty, and it's going to take doing special things, it's going to take date nights.

You know what, you may— you know, she, she may also get hit by a truck and paralyzed. And you know, marriage is that you're supposed to stay with somebody, and she would hopefully stay with you if you got hit by a truck and paralyzed and couldn't use your penis anymore. So I mean, there are larger scale, deeper reasons such as creating a family and a life together and being truly in love. All of the new sexy date nights and stuff in the world aren't going to work with some people. That's an individual decision whether to stay or go. Anybody who's getting married purely to have libido, you know, honeymoon style, high libido sex all the time is a fool, you know, and ought not to get married, obviously. But the majority of people Yeah, like they need to have a balance between understanding natural human biology and trying to be cognizant of what it would take their specific partner to still feel romantically connected in fits and starts sometimes, especially when kids are very young. It's not going to be constant. And then hopefully to have somewhat of a fun sex life, even though it is never going to be like the honeymoon stage ever.

You have identified something though that, um, that's the— I don't know if catch-22 is the proper term or not, but it is a man says, I've made my vows. And the men I talk to are very— to a point of almost to a fault— I made vows, I don't care what this woman does, I'm sticking with her. And they'll endure abuse and all kinds of awfulness, and they hide behind basically their vows. They use it as a crutch because they're very codependent in nature. So we have that I have my vow, I'm gonna stick with this woman no matter what, but at the same time, I have very real needs and this woman hasn't touched me in 2 years, or something like that. So, he's at this, "What do I do? I'm gonna be a dick for saying—" And the wife is very sensitive to this, and she says, because he'll eventually have the big talk to her, and she'll say, "You're seriously contemplating leaving us and the family and breaking up the family because of sex? Seriously, Mr. Shallow Asshole Man?" And, and there is a, um, a chorus of people behind her saying, yeah, you're a major dick, dude.

Those people are quite foolish, right? Because like, if he didn't come in through the door and say— if he refused to say hello to her with a smile for 2 years, or he refused to paint whatever she told him needed painting that doesn't really, or he refused to go on a vacation or a date night or whatever she wants, or rub her feet, or, you know, buy her whatever— I mean, I'm not talking about be nice to the children or take care of the 'cause you're an adult, then you do that. But all the little things she likes that these codependent guys who find themselves in sexless marriages, they're still doing them. I mean, like, it's like, like, I use— it was an Onion article years ago, like, that the only people who give massages but don't get laid are like in college. No, they're not. They're in my office and they're in your office. And, you know, I mean, that should stop. I mean, there's nobody wants to be in a sexless marriage, but some guys, it's almost— that's the only familiar thing to them is to be in this situation where they're getting treated like shit. And that needs to be really discussed with a therapist and worked through, because that is not useful, and that's a terrible role model for your son or your daughter or any