DSO Reacts - Sadia Khan Dropping Truth Bombs About Women and Cheating!

Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching, courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person. Real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting. Hello there, folks. It's been a while since I've done one of these. This is what we call the DSO Reacts. For those that don't know, DSO stands for Dad Starting Over. It's a name or a brand that I've been creating a lot of content under, and people know me as DSO over the years. My real name is Ralph Brewer Brewer. But for years I've done a few of these videos where I will react to something, and usually it's a video that people send to me and say, Ralph Brewer Brewer, we want to know what you think of this. And this is a video that has come up a lot. I get a lot of messages via my Facebook page, an email saying, "You need to watch this. I'm curious what you think." And what this is, is a video that is posted on Lewis Howes, H-O-W-E-S. He doesn't need me to promote him. He's got like millions and millions of subscribers on his YouTube channel. But Lewis did an interview, kind of a sit-down roundtable chat with this pretty lady that we see here by the name of Sadia Khan. And then another gentleman who's also pretty in his own right, Matthew Hussey. What's interesting is— go watch. I'm not going to, I'm not going to react to the entire video because the video is like 2 hours long. I'm just taking a couple of small clips of Sadia here, and I want to talk about it because she is saying something that I see quite a bit in my experience as well. But Sadia, what's interesting if you watch the video, is a woman who has kind of made a name for herself because she is doing what a lot of female content creators in this space that are popular do, which is she is not afraid to take the, what we would say for lack of a better term, kind of the male point of view. She's more sympathetic to the male plight, if you will, in the relationship world, and she's not afraid to say basically, I see what you're experiencing. And at the same time, she's not afraid to kind of throw her own gender under the bus. And a lot of men that have been hurt by women, they like hearing a lady, especially a pretty lady like Sadia talking a very pro-male point— from a pro-male point of view. And so she gets lots and lots of clicks, way more than I do, that's for sure. And Matthew, who's not going to be in this video today— again, you can go watch the video on Lewis Howes' YouTube channel, and the video is titled Dating Experts: She's Definitely Not in Love with You: Exposing the Habits That End Relationships. So obviously pretty hot-button topic here. But the other person in the video is Matthew Hussey that I mentioned. He takes a very kind of pro-female or from the female perspective point of view. That's his main audience, are women trying to do better in the relationship game, and they go to Matthew for that. And he's been doing this for years. He's a best-selling author. And again, his counterpart here is Miss Sadia. Now Sadia's website is sadiapsychology.com, which leads you to believe that, is Sadia a psychologist? And No, she's not. This is a criticism that she gets often from people, from her critics that don't like her stuff a whole heck of a lot. They say, "Saadia is not a psychologist." Doesn't necessarily mean you should throw what she says out. I have no professional credentials whatsoever. I'm not shy about saying that. I am what we call a blowhard bald dude who likes to hear himself talk. One of many on the internet, it seems. But I like a lot of what Sadia has to say here, but I recognize that she also is, you know, trying to get clicks and views, and sometimes she does the occasional controversial soundbite, and I think this is one of those. But as we'll dig into here, she's not just saying this for controversial purposes. This is her experience, and I have experienced a lot of the same. So let's get into it, shall we?

I don't know who cheats more or who cheats less, but I think when women cheat, there is a, it's more definitive, as in that it's harder for them to come backwards from cheating. I tend to, and I don't know if you guys would agree, I tend to give the advice to men that when your woman cheats on you, it's very difficult to forgive her. I wouldn't recommend it. I highly don't recommend it.

Men shouldn't forgive women?

Men shouldn't forgive. With women, I think there's room for flexibility depending on the causes and such.

Oh, this is gonna get a lot of, it's gonna get a lot of comments.

Okay.

Why do men not forgive the women they're with who cheat on them?

Because for a woman to cheat on you, it's not that she's fallen in love with another man, she's just definitely not in love with you.

Ooh.

Ooh is right. Ooh, ouch. Okay, this has been my experience as well. Again, this sounds like very pro-male, rah-rah stuff. If you guys watch my stuff, you know me. I try to do my best to be as fair empathetic to the other side, the female side, as much as humanly possible, as much as I can. At the same time, I have a very biased point of view. Hetero dude, been divorced, been cheated on. I've talked to hundreds, if not thousands, of men who've been through the same. So with that being said, I have developed a, a point of view, a perspective on all this, and it's one that I— sounds like Sadia has come to the same conclusion., and that is this: if you're a guy, you've been cheated on, what does that indicate? Well, if you go directly to the source and talk to the ladies that have done the cheating, it's usually indicative of months, if not years prior to that event, she emotionally disconnected from her partner. She is, in her mind, no longer his, her spouse's romantic partner. She's either lost respect for him, she feels, you know, neglected by him. Whatever reason she has in her mind, she's disconnected from him, which is why she is seeking out relationships with others, or at the very least, why she is more open to relationships with others and why her boundaries are down, because she doesn't feel that connection with spouse anymore. So what you're seeing, dude who's been cheated on, is Step 97. You just missed all the other 96 steps that got her to that point. There is a, there's an old phrase which has some validity to it, which is women cheat for reasons, men cheat because they can. The thought is that a man is only as faithful as his options. Well, well, we have a lot of guys who take a lot of offense to that because they consider themselves kind, moral human beings. They're not, you know, so swayed by their urges, so to speak. But it would seem on the other side with women cheat for reasons, seems to be, uh, there seems to be a case for that. And so if you're a man, you've been cheated on, I want to save the relationship, well, you have to understand that person you're looking at is no longer your wife. It's a woman who is detached from you and is attached to somebody or multiple somebody else's. It doesn't bode well for for the health of the relationship. If you want to reconcile and start over with her, you kind of start over from scratch. It's like you're meeting her for the first time. Hey, I'm Bob, nice to meet you. Let's start this whole relationship thing all over again. It really is that drastic.

And so for you to take her back is just providing her free accommodation until she meets a man she wants to fall in love with. And I—

Oh, that's brutal. Very well put, Sadia. You're providing free accommodation to somebody until she finds the, the other Mr. Right for her. So again, let's play this out. A series of things have happened in your relationship which causes— right or wrong, this is just the way it is, I'm not making excuses— this— okay, let's just preface it by saying, in her mind, this is what's going on. Whether you agree with that, whether you think that's objectively true or not, doesn't matter. In your cheating spouse's mind, this is what happened, and that is All these series of events led to her being disconnected from you, which led her to be more open to a sexual and emotional relationship with somebody else. Now that relationship with the somebody else hasn't worked for whatever reason. She's been convinced for whatever reason to try again with you, and now she's kind of in this state of limbo. I've already disconnected from him. I'm not sure if I want to reconnect with him and go through all the work of trying to do that process all over again. I still have feelings for the other dude who, for whatever reason, it didn't work out with. Now I'm in the state of limbo waiting for somebody to connect to. One argument is that she could direct that energy towards spouse, God forbid, and make that connection again. That's really tough, especially when you've already written them off so many months or years ago. So now the argument could be made you're just simply being the placeholder for her until she makes that emotional connection, physical connection with somebody else. That's what Sadia is saying here.

And like a lot of men think, oh no, women are so emotionally attached to sex. No, no, no. Some women can literally have an affair with a local PT who doesn't care about her and she doesn't really care about him. It's what's the driving—

Let me just pause there. Local PT? That's oddly specific there, Sadia. I don't— PT in my world means physical therapist. Is that what she's saying? I don't know. Maybe it's a British thing. She has the accent. I don't know what's going on there.

Of course, it's not the love for the guy that she's cheating on. It's a lack of love and respect for the man she's cheating on.

Interesting.

Yeah. And so when you forgive her and retry with the relationship, she's already decided she doesn't really want to be with you, but she will stay in this until she finds someone that will love her.

So, do you think—

how interesting though. I mean, she just reiterated everything I just said there, but how interesting how the very last phrase, did you catch that? Until she finds somebody that loves her. And there's the cheated-on spouse, the victim if you will, and all this saying, hello, I love her, that's why I'm wanting to work on this relationship, that's why I'm trying to do all this. Hello, here I am. Well, but dude, she disconnected from you again for a variety of reasons, right or wrong. You're, you're off the list of potential mate candidates, as horrible as that is to to take in, to try and, you know, come to terms with. From what I've seen in my experience, you need to, you need to come to that conclusion, my friend.

A relationship can truly repair and heal after someone has cheated, or do you think—

not when a woman cheats.

When a woman cheats, you think it's a lot harder, or you just don't think it's possible?

Not possible. Really? Yeah. I was— I would honestly say, from what I see, every time a man forgives a woman cheating, um, she eventually leaves him for forgiving her.

Oh, really? Yeah. Why is that? It's just because a lack of self-respect? Is it a lack of—

She understands now that there is no boundaries to this relationship. Most women are—

Very interesting. What I've seen is the woman cheats, gets caught, whatever, comes back. You would expect her spouse to be— to have the tone of, you need to earn my respect and my love and affection again. I'm not sure I can trust you, Miss Wife, so you're kind of on probation. We can go through counseling or whatever else, but I, as the victim, kind of have the upper hand here. I'm the one who gets to decide whether or not I forgive you. That's what you would expect, or at least that's what the woman would expect, and that's worthy of respect on her part. Anybody would say that. But if you see the opposite, which is, I'm willing to forgive, I'm willing to forget, let's just put it all behind us, please be my wife, you know, please, you know, let's keep the family together, whatever it may be, a very emotional and understandable, you know, a lot of guys, this is a very traumatizing experience. To get that from the husband elicits a lot of disrespect on the wife's part. Like, this guy, I mean, come on, dude, what more can I do to show you that I've detached from you and I'm worthy of being, you know, kind of punished in a way, emotionally punished and discarded? And yet here you are holding on tighter. Oof, what kind of man is this, basically? She sees you for what you are in that case, which is— now, this is not insulting, been there, done that— you're a hurt little boy, not the most attractive, appealing thing in the world. And so case can be made she loses respect for you when you say, please come back, I'm willing to take you back no matter what, I'm your faithful husband— faithful— and please don't leave me, wife. Ouch. And then the follow-up to that is you're in essence kind of training her to say, when you do XYZ bad thing, the result is this: I am even more attached to you and fighting for you harder than ever. That's not a good lesson to teach another person. When you hurt me, I just attach harder, stronger to you. Not good.

Under the impression a man would leave. Men tend to think that women can be a bit softer and emotional and they can kind of convince them, whereas women tend to assume men will leave because that's what they tell each other. I would never put up with I would never put up with it. So when she learns he's willing to accept the unacceptable, she now realizes unacceptable behavior will run with him, and therefore there is no motivator to prevent it happening again. So I've always seen— again, I have to preface this, I see worst-case scenarios— but I've always seen it become a repeat offender. I'm not saying men don't do it the same way, but I'm just saying in my experience, I've seen when women cheat, you're simply waiting for her to leave you now.

Okay, um, yeah, I've seen the same. Sorry guys, uh, human nature. You're basically rewarding her for doing the bad thing. Well, duh, the bad thing's gonna happen again and again. On top of that, there's a, a layer underneath all of this which she's not talking about, which is much deeper. Let's just get this out of the way: majority of human beings don't do this kind of behavior. They don't cheat. Majority of human beings, when there is a difficulty in the relationship either say, "I'm out of here," divorce and do it properly, or they're saying, you know, "This ain't working, let's work on this." Then there's the subgroup that say, "This ain't working, let me go ahead while in the marriage try to form relationships with other people." Not good. Well, why would they do that? Well, there's this undercurrent of dysfunction in their life. They don't have the greatest childhood in the world. They don't have the greatest model for how to be a loving spouse, parent, and everything else that goes with their life together. They don't know how to do it. They don't have the tools in their toolbox. And so when things get rough, they seek attention from others. That's not good. Certainly not good for the health of the relationship, that's for sure. So when you see that side of them and you reward that with your commitment and your love, You're saying that part of you, that part of your programming as a dysfunctional, quote, broken human being, is okay. Go ahead, you can do that. I understand, and I will reward you for it. So of course, that, that tendency within them, that programming, that compulsion within them is going to come out. The only way for that tendency within them to not come out is for it to be recognized, punished, if you will, dealt with accordingly. They have to go to therapy to learn boundaries within relationships, doing things that remove triggers within them that cause them to go out and seek that attention from others. It's very much akin to addiction. Um, a person has a drinking problem, learns, I don't put myself in positions where I am more apt to drink, so they don't go to bars or parties or things like that. They understand that's their boundary. Sure, this guy next to me here, he can go to a bar and he doesn't become a raging alcoholic, but that's, that's not in their makeup. Their boundary is no, can't go to bars, can't go to parties, can't go to that cookout because people are drinking and so forth. That's their cross to bear. That's the kind of work for a lot of the people that I've seen, women specifically, that cheat again and again. That's the kind of the work they need to do, is to recognize I need to put up those boundaries. I don't have lunch with the male coworker. I don't text with people outside of my relationship, those kind of things. I don't friend people on social media of the opposite sex that are, you know, reaching out to me and wanting to friend me. I ignore the friend request, those kind of things. Um, that's tough, and that takes a lot of work to get there, to change that aspect of your personality. So to just ignore all that work and just say, "Sure, I'll forgive you," you're asking for it to happen again and again and again. All right, folks, well, that's it. That's the end of this DSO Reacts. Again, that conversation between herself, the host— again, what's his name? Lewis Howes, very, very popular apparently. I'm not familiar with Lewis, but he has millions and millions of subscribers. Check out his YouTube channel, seems very well done. Um, the conversation between herself and Matthew Hussey and Lewis. It's 2 hours in length. Again, it's called Dating Experts: She's Definitely Not in Love with You, Exposing the Habits That End Relationships. I highly recommend it. Let me know what you think here, if you can relate to what Sadia is saying, if you agree or disagree with what I'm saying. Would love to hear from you, and thank you for watching. And by the way, while you're here, check out our website. You're watching this on the Dad Starting Over channel, but we are part of— I'm a content creator, if you will, but part of a larger organization that is called Help for men, check out our website at help4men.com and our private community for men only called the Brotherhood, the HFM Brotherhood. All right guys, thank you for watching. Appreciate it.