“I Have It All… But My Wife Doesn’t Want Me”

Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching, courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person. Real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting. Have you ever felt like you're doing everything right in the relationship? I mean everything. You are checking every conceivable box there is for good husband, but your marriage is still ice cold. Well, then you're gonna wanna listen to today's Dear DSO entry, and you can submit your own story to deardso.com. This one comes from William, and the subject line is, am I doomed? William says, let me say the quiet part out loud. I am lame in bed. That's not good. I'm not working with a lot and I got a quick release. Oh, so he's saying he's not that endowed and he's quick to finish. Okay. But I am also 6'3", fit, good-looking, 40 years old. I cook, I clean, I grocery shop, I do laundry. I am educated and entertaining. I also have a substantial net worth, over $20 million. Well, hello William. Uh, we parentheses she and our two kids live better than 99.5% of the population. Probably even more than that, to be honest with you. I've been with my wife essentially since high school. First everything, you know the story. Instead of staying home to run the household, she prefers menial jobs, which I believe she mostly keeps as an excuse for why she can't do more around the house. She is 100 pounds overweight and for the most part only wants to lay around, read romance books about dragons with fat cocks. LOL. Wish I was joking. Well, now, William, you've just exposed me to a whole world I had no idea about. Do I want to— no, I'll just— never mind. Yes, I can still get laid once or maybe twice a week, but it's strictly perfunctory and clearly a chore. Perfunctory is not a word you hear often, is it? Even on our wedding night, I was fighting for sex. Oof, not good. So question is, if you aren't a porn star, is this the sad life you have to live despite A+ performances in every other aspect of life? I don't want to divorce my wife and cut her a check for $10 million just to be half as rich with another cold woman who is also attracted to me on paper. You know, this is a quick message, but this is a complicated one, isn't it, the more you think about it? He starts right off the bat with the whole "I'm lame in bed" thing, saying he's not endowed enough and he has a quick release. Uh, let's start there, okay? So you can put to bed the whole "you're not endowed enough." This sounds like a guy who's probably watched entirely too much porn in his life, probably as a result of the substandard sex in his relationship, combined with just the, you know, whatever. Probably been looking at it since he was a little kid, you know the drill. That's what most guys start you know, their little porn habit at a young age, and that has warped his sense of reality for what women want as far as men are concerned. Please keep in mind, all you guys that watch a great deal of pornographic material, the men in those videos that you're watching are selected for a reason— their stamina and how endowed they are. It's— I guess it looks better on camera and they're easier to work with as male performers. They don't necessarily represent the average Joe out there, or the vast majority of human beings out there do not look and act like that. But anywho, overall, Mr. William, your tone is one of pretty insecure. On one hand, you're not above bragging about your looks and your fitness and the fact that you do all this stuff at home and your immense wealth. Good job, by the way. You know, 99.5%, try 99.99% of the population does not have as much money money as you do. And so basically what you're saying with all those, you know, checking all those boxes is, why wouldn't a woman want to be more sexual and open with a man like me? And then you flip the script and start talking about the fact that she's 100 pounds overweight, so she's obese. And for the most part, she just lays around. She doesn't have much in the way of any kind of career. And she loves to sit around and read romance novels, as you put it, about dragons doing sexual things with women. Okay. Little odd. So, you know, which came first, the chicken or the egg? Is she so disappointed with your love life that she has to turn to what is admittedly pretty strange, um, erotic material? Um, or is she one of these very avoidant individuals that just does not get off when it comes to a committed relationship? She would much rather, um, hide away in the world of fantasy and so forth. That's safer because she doesn't have to open up to an individual. She probably hates her body considering she's so overweight, and on and on. So as you can see, the more I talk about it, the deeper where this gets, and you go down this road and you go down that road. One little key bit of information that you point out though that really helps to paint a picture here is, "Even on our wedding night, I was fighting for sex." My friend, that's not good. So, you know, during the honeymoon stage of the relationship, which by the way, that term honeymoon stage confuses a lot of people. A lot of guys think that that is in reference to the early part of the marriage. No, when we talk about honeymoon stage, what we mean is the early part of the relationship period. So when you guys started dating. And usually that honeymoon period, which is when you are the most lustful and connected and romantic between the two of you, yeah, that usually includes also the first so many years of a marriage, usually before kids and all this other stuff. But you're saying on the wedding night, the most blissful, romantic, yay us night there is, you're just like, "Hey, how about we have sex?" And she's like, "No, I don't want to." So you have had for so many years now all the evidence in the world that it's just not gonna work between the two of you. But what you've done is a very insecure thing. You started blaming your size of your genitalia, your ability to last in the bedroom. Lasting in the bedroom for a short amount of time could be the fact that you're very anxious about getting the act done. You're very anxious and insecure about yourself, and that leads to some performance issues. Sometimes for men, it's in the form of, "I can't finish." And for some men like yourself, it's, "I finish too fast." You know, from a very admittedly masculine-centered point of view here, you have put a lot of your sense of worth as far as this relationship is concerned on the shoulders of a woman who, when you put it all on paper, is not the most— you hate to say this because it sounds very cold, but let's be honest here— attractive partner. And that's not necessarily just in terms of looks, but it's in terms of her action as well. Flip the script here, dude. Hey, wife, tell me about your husband. My husband doesn't work very much at all. Probably just enough to, you know, get out of the house and do whatever. He's also 100 pounds overweight and he likes to lay around a lot and look at porn. Everyone would say, what exactly do you see in this guy again? And that's what I would in turn say to you. What exactly are you doing with this gal again? Are you hoping to, quote, turn the relationship around? That's what a lot of guys tell me. I'm in this, you know, I've lost attraction to her and all these other horrible things about our relationship, but you know what? I'm willing to put in work and hope to turn things around. To which I would say, turn around to what exactly? From literally day one of your marriage, it has been like this. Your wedding night from then on has been this ho-hum sex life between the two of you. You both have issues. That's what all these situations boil down to, isn't it? Two quote broken individuals, for lack of a better word, get together and the relationship is Voilà, broken. And here you are. And instead of going, hey wife, let's sit down. Do you want to work on this together or not? We're just wildly separated emotionally, physically, and everything in between. Let's, let's get to work on, you know, coming back together as a couple and see if we can make this better than it's ever been. Instead, you're going, do I have to be a porn star and have giant genitalia and be able to slam this woman, you know, for hours on end? Dude, you got some issues you need to work on involving your, uh, or surrounding your security when it comes to this relationship. And really ask the hard question of what exactly it is that you see in this woman. And, uh, is— are— have you done all you can to work on your sense of security? Obviously not. You got a lot more work to do here. And the work that you do, will that in turn bring your wife more to center, so to speak, and have her become a more secure individual? Will she then lose weight, and start becoming a more interesting person and get off of the woman porn there with the dragons and all that other stuff, or what? But you're not getting anywhere with your current mindset of, "I need this and this. It's all my fault." And talking about how she's getting fat and how she just sits around and reads romance novels. It's just pointing fingers at yourself, pointing fingers at her, and no one's actually doing dick here. So get to work, my man. And yes, that may very well mean the end of your relationship. You may come to the epiphany as A lot of men, dare I say most men— I do— in your situation come to the epiphany of, now that I'm more secure in myself and I like myself more and I'm working on myself, and I look across the table at this partner who doesn't do any kind of work at all on herself, period, and she has zero desire to connect with me, what am I doing with this person? You may come to that realization and you may move on in life, but what you don't do is move on in life with this overall theme of all these women want male porn stars and there's no hope for me out there. You literally got with a— dude, I'm gonna get in trouble for this— kind of bottom of the barrel partner here as far as their behavior is concerned. But again, people are going to come back and say the reason she's that way is because of her mate. The reason she's overweight, looking at romance novels and everything else is because her husband sucks. Could be, but if she's so easily pliable and changes every facet of her being based upon the person she's married to, she's still got a lot of issues to work on. Sorry. So So at the very least, you have connected yourself with a woman who has got a lot of shit she needs to work on. And I'm not sure why you stick it out, be quite honest with you. You have your vows, you had your word in front of your church and God and everything else, that's cool. I have zero disrespect towards people who feel that way at all. I think it's a wonderful thing, but at what cost? And when do you officially say when? What is your turning point, my friend? You know what I'm going to suggest next if you've heard my stuff? Dude, I've created a support community for men and it's called the HFM Brotherhood, the Help for Men Brotherhood, and you can learn more at helpformen.com or jump right to the join page for our group at helpformen.com/join. And you're going to talk to hundreds and hundreds of men from around the world, many of whom are in your position, like exact position. I've heard this many, many times, my friend. And, um, you can talk to those guys in the forums, you can get on live meetings. We have like 6 to 8 live Zoom meetings up to usually an hour or more each. And then we record all those meetings so you can listen to them in the archives. You can meet up with your fellow members in person. We have annual conferences in the States as well as in Australia. All my books at no additional charge, all kinds of cool stuff. So check it out, the Brotherhood at help4men.com. But you do need to surround yourself with strong men that are all willing to help you, and they're all there for the same purpose: to get better. And you, my friend, do need to get better. Mr. William, thank you so much for writing in. I do appreciate it. And guys, thank you so much for listening, and we will catch you on the next one.