"I Shouldn't Have to Do That... I'm Married!" -- The Thought Pattern That Will Get You Into Trouble

Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person. Real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting. So I posted this the other day. Men, stop begging for intimacy. Shift your focus to improving yourself mentally, physically, financially. Attraction is built, it's not negotiated. Oh boy, that got a bit of a negative response from the guys. A lot of guys don't like having the mirror put in front of their face saying basically, you know, uh, what you're doing is not working as far as the, you know, it could potentially negatively impact your relationship with the opposite sex. If you are dating, or your one partner, if you are in fact in a long-term relationship like a marriage, hey, some of what you're doing, like, you know, pursuing and begging and pleading with your partner, ain't cutting it. What does cut it, so to speak, is working on yourself. Sounds kind of cliché nonsense, but guys, maybe it's my age and wisdom showing here, Nothing on the planet Earth has shown me that this is not the case. And here's where things get a little screwy with some guys. Like, for example, Michael's comment here on Facebook. Michael says, wow, I love the internet, full of advice, a lot of it bad. Men should always be working on themselves, never stop improving. All right, he says, but however, true intimacy shouldn't be something that I have earned through hard work or perceived accomplishments. True intimacy should be based upon my character. While my character can be manifested by my efforts, it isn't predicated on it, nor will my efforts necessarily manifest the same results as another. I'll never play ball like Jordan or James. I'll never box like a Tyson. Or be on the Forbes list. If you measure a man's character by his accomplishments, you'll always reward the results and not the person. There is a place for meritocracy. Marriage isn't one of them. I don't love my wife because of what she does. I love my wife one— for one reason and only one reason: because she's my wife. Until we can see that applied universally, we We will all see unhappy spouses trying to change their spouse into their image of what a perfect spouse should be, and they will never be happy with the results. As people in this relationship advice world love to say, a lot to unpack there. Uh, Michael, yours is a very common sentiment, and it is one that I get. Be honest with you, I'm not going to paint you as some maniac or whatever. It's, you know, on the surface It sounds great, but as a guy who has been there and done that and has a few years on you and has coached and counseled thousands of men over the years and written books on the topic, and I have a private men's group called The Brotherhood, and you can learn more at help4men.com. I can tell you that we need to, as men, and frankly as women too, but I'm a man who speaks to men. Okay, we need to eliminate the word "should" from our vocabulary, especially when it comes to the world of personal relationships, romantic relationships. You're setting yourself up for a world of hurt. As awful as it may sound, yes, much of your value as a human being is predicated upon what you do. One example of this, and before you, you know, push back and say that's not a romantic relationship, that's not a marriage, Yes, but it is human nature. It is illustrative of human nature, and that is this. Let's say we are in the workplace. I am an employee who brings a set of skills, a personality, personality traits, a demeanor that brings my employer in a lot of money. Let's say they pay me $100,000 a year, and in return they can um, directly link, I don't know, a million dollars worth of revenue coming in because of my efforts as a $100,000 employee. You better believe they're going to keep me around. I'm a great investment. The things that I do show my value to the organization. It's undeniable. That guy, invariably— I've been in the corporate world, I've been in small business, this is a universal thing. That guy, the high performer— there's always one or two of them in an organization— will have this dude over here next to him saying, it's not fair, that guy's an asshole, he uses people, he's narcissistic, he's really full of himself. I am an all-around better dude deep down inside. I should be rewarded for being a good person that everyone here in the office loves to be around. But instead, Dickbag over here schmoozes and plays golf with the boss, and therefore he gets the rewards and he gets the promotions, and it's just not fair. But what you don't see is his personality and so forth. The guy's got the total package. He's playing the game. He knows how to play it, and you don't. And that's not, quote, fair, but it's realistic. Same thing for a lot of you guys out there listening to this. You will be, um, in a relationship, everything's going swimmingly, and then something happens and you lose your job, and you have a very difficult time finding a new job. 6 months goes by, nothing. A year goes by, and you go from a 6-figure salary to, I have to do something to bring in money. So you go to some part-time gig, like as a barista somewhere or something, right? Just enough to help pay the light bill. In turn, your spouse loses respect for you. There is an army of men out there saying that that woman should love you and stick by your side no matter what, and that it's really awful for her to lose respect for you. And in turn, maybe they find out like the woman's been going to counseling or talking to friends, and the husband overhears something, her read something. A lot of time these guys are very, you know, they're snooping and looking for reasons why their wife seems to be distant from them, and they'll see some conversation online or on her phone or something that says I've lost respect for this dude. The dude just seems to sit around all the time. He's the guy that I married. He was a barista at Starbucks. He was an engineer at so-and-so company. What happened to that guy? This isn't the dude I married. I've lost respect for him. Now I'm starting to have thoughts of leaving the guy. And a lot of people will say she's a you-know-what for thinking that. She should stick by him no matter what. But on the other hand, there's a pragmatic side to this relationship thing. The woman has to know that she can count on her dude. The woman needs to know that she can lean on him when things get difficult in life. She needs to know that, yes, he can contribute financially to the, the cause, the family. And when she sees somebody who seems to be able to do so but is not— could be just bad luck, could be whatever— Yes, she's going to lose respect for him. And yes, her attraction will drop as a result. I am not going to shame her for feeling that. Sorry if that pisses off a lot of men watching this, but that's a very natural response to that. Much like you as a dude, if you're wired like most men, not all, but the visual is very important to you. And you marry a gal, let's say, who on the list of things that you really love about her, near the top is the visual. She really looks the part. As much as you may not say that out loud, but deep down you're like, yeah, the first thing I noticed was, oh wow, who's that? And she kept that up for years and years. And then something happens. Maybe it's childbirth, maybe it's disease, maybe it's something, and she's gained, oh, I don't know, like 200 pounds. Not the same woman anymore. And your attraction to her has lessened. There is an army of people out there, yes, mostly women, who will tell you, you are a royal asshole for losing attraction to your woman just because she has gained 200 pounds. You should set aside that nonsense. You should see who she is deep down. She's the mother to your children, and so on and so forth. And so the man's sitting there saying, so I should feel shameful for losing attraction? I'm just not attracted to 300-pound women or whatever it is. Let's be honest, more people will probably shame the guy in that situation not liking his overweight wife versus the woman who loses, you know, respect for the unemployed husband. I use both like polar opposite extreme examples to illustrate a point here. Both are perfect examples of it's not fair. And if you got the wise old grandma and you go to her and say, my wife has lost respect for me, I don't know what to do, yada yada, Wise old grandma's gonna look at you and say, "Dude, you need to put out about 1,000 more resumes. You need to hit the street. You need to hit the phones. You need to get a job tomorrow." She would also say to the overweight wife, "Honey, looks are important. What you're showing your husband is that you don't care about yourself. Therefore, he's gonna lose respect for you. It's invariably what's gonna happen. Time to get on the treadmill and stop eating." Mean, Terrible, hurts feelings, but realistic. We have to get more pragmatic about these relationship things. They're not all nice, but that's the world of relationships. And it could be argued it's a positive. It's not a bug, it's a feature in the relationship machine. It keeps you on your toes. It keeps you doing well. Yes, the fear of the machine breaking down and your partner losing attraction to you as much as we hate to say it, is a very real driver for much of our behavior as the human animal. As I've said before in other videos, I one time had somebody say to me, see all those skyscrapers out there on the city? Those were all made basically— if you, you know, whittle it down and try to understand human nature and so forth, much of human progress is as a result of men trying to impress women. Our status, accomplishments, everything is very important to us, and it shows our value as a human mate, and that causes us to get the ladies. We wouldn't do all those things if it didn't work. Again, not the nicest thing to say to somebody who doesn't achieve that much, is not a hyperachiever, does not have much status, but what can I tell you? It's realistic. So to Michael and others, going back to the romantic relationship thing, it's— this seems to be universally understood amongst everybody that when you are in the dating phase, the mating phase if you want to call it that, of the relationship, it behooves you to put on the best image forward. The image doesn't necessarily just mean the physical, it could also mean your actions. You men instinctively put forth things that show, "I have energy, I have status, I'm an important individual, I am worthy of your love and affection." Women tend to put on the act of, "I'm youthful, I'm fertile." They do things, whether they know it subconsciously or not, things that mimic fertility, things that mimic youthfulness and energy and femininity. Put those two things together, you have a new couple. And invariably, both start to let the act drop, so to speak. As the time marches on in the relationship. And then both wonder, why aren't I getting the same level of interest that I got before? And to Michael's point, some people have remedied this— mostly men, let's be honest. Their solution to this dilemma is, let's put forth a series of rules and conditions that shame a person into continuing to do the right thing, staying with the relationship regardless of what the other person does. You're going to hell if you don't, religion will tell you. You're going to be ostracized and shamed by your social group if you don't, you know, some cultures say. But it doesn't necessarily address the underlying real lack of attraction, desire, and connection to the other person, does it? We're putting a blanket, a facade over everything and pretending that everything is a-okay. It could be argued the more holistic, realistic way of addressing this is to continue to build attraction, to continue to maintain connection, to yes, take care of yourself, to yes, maintain reaching as a male for status, for achievement, for taking care of yourself physically, for showing that I still love you, wife. I'm doing these things for you. I'm courting you. And to continue doing that, yes, throughout the life of your relationship. The second you sit back and cross your arms and say, I shouldn't have to do that stuff, I'm married, is, Michael, frankly, the beginning of the end.