"I'm Starting to Despise Women!"

Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person. Real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting. So I thought I would share a message that I received on Facebook from a follower because this is just a perfect illustration of the average dude that follows me on Dad Starting Over as well as Help for Men. He says, hey mate, bought your book. It's a great eye-opener and I love your work. So thanks. Well, thank you. He says, anyway, I follow your posts and others similar. I found you make more sense than most. Good to hear. The sad thing is the harsh reality, which I do take humbly on board, which I do humbly take on board, are turning me into a man that despises women. In my defense, I have been through some harrowing relationships and I come out of them with a great deal of self-reflection, hence following people such as yourself. I have always been a hopeless romantic, and despite many other male friends my age advising me from very disparaging perspectives over the years, I have held on to the belief that love and a, quote, soulmate thing exists. I suppose the reason I am messaging is to suggest that maybe you could address in one of your posts the growing negativity that men are experiencing. I have approached my current relationship, parentheses, being mindful of the pedestal phenomena, to try to do everything right but to no avail. It just seems to me we have a culture of female entitlement. Here's some background, he says. My wife came to the table an emotional wreck, no assets, bad relationship history. If you can for a minute humor me and imagine I tell the truth, I cannot imagine how I could try to be a better husband. I get zero uninitiated affection. I think he means initiated affection on her part. And she grows to despise me more day by day. I'm at the point where I think that she can fuck off and take her ungrateful misery somewhere else. Parentheses: half my assets too, no doubt. How does a man keep faith in the notion of love in this messed up world? And then he says, oh, and one more thing. She has borderline personality disorder. But anyway, it would be great to address the growing negativity out there. Thank you, by the way, to the guy. I already messaged him back and said that this is a very common sentiment. He's not alone by any means. And yes, I've done material on, you know, negativity and the culture of, you know, this relationship-oriented stuff as it pertains to men. But let's break this down a little bit, shall we? This is a guy who, by his own admission, has a very romanticized view of relationships. Probably something that was pushed on him all through childhood via popular culture, his social groups, family, etc. And yet he finds himself entering into relationships with not so good relationship partner material. He admits that his wife has borderline personality disorder. He admits that she came to the relationship just all kinds of baggage, emotional turmoil, and a history of bad relationships. And yet, instead of doing the hard work of saying, "Man, what is it about me that connects me with these people? Why do I seem to be in this culture of this craziness, this negativity, this awfulness as far as relationships are concerned?" And it sounds like his friends do too, which is Not unusual, by the way. People, certain types of people, tend to attract each other. Friendships and, you know, platonic relationships, as well as romantic relationships. So again, here he is in these relationships with all these toxic, chaotic people, and his grand epiphany is, "Man, these women sure make it hard to stay positive." As opposed to, "Man, what is it about me that goes after all these women?" Why am I attracted to them? Why are they attracted to me? And why do I seem to hang on, you know, through all this chaos? But instead, he's taking the easy way out, which is, "It ain't me. I'm perfect." He doesn't— in his defense, he doesn't say that. He's in a roundabout way saying, "I'm a really, really good husband." He says, "If I do say so myself, I'm checking all the boxes here." And yet, "Look what she's doing to me. She's making my life hell." And he jumps to the conclusion of, "It's all her. It ain't me." No, dude. It's you. It's always been you. Believe it or not, there are men in this world that do not come in contact with people like this, as far as romantic relationships are concerned. They circumnavigate them. Kinda like the crazy homeless dude on the street. He's yelling and screaming and everything else. Do you go right up to him and go, "How can I help you?" You seem to be a person in turmoil. Allow me to give you some money. Let me give you a place to stay. Or do you do what a lot of people do? Is, "Yeah, he's crazy." And you walk, you know, a wide berth around the guy and go to the office or wherever it is you're going to. It's the perfect analogy, isn't it? Are you attracted to these people because you want to rescue them, like with the homeless dude, when instead you should be getting the hell away from them and going in the opposite direction? You're this far away from getting to the truth, but the truth ain't pretty. It ain't all you. It ain't all them. It's a combination of the two. And the only thing you can worry about is, drum roll, you. Can't worry about them. And I'm not saying it's all your fault, you need to stick with her, etc. No, you need to get the hell away from this person. All right? And you need to work on your stuff instead of They're all crazy. It's all their fault, not mine. That ain't gonna get you anywhere, dude.