"My Wife Cheated with Our Neighbor and Lifelong Friend – What Now?"

Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person. Real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at helpformen.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting. All right, folks, we have a new Dear DSO entry on the website, and you can submit your own story or question to deardso.com. That is deardso.com. Fill out the form, and if your question or your story is a good one, I will create a video out of it for the whole world to see, or for the Dad Starting Over podcast listeners to listen to. Hello, Dad Starting Over podcast listeners, available Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your podcasts. Also, if you are watching this on YouTube, if you could do me a big favor, down below, click on subscribe and click on like. And then after you watch the video, if you could leave a comment, that would help me out tremendously. Thank you very much. Today's Dear DSO submission comes from Jake. The title is Wife Had a Year-Long Affair That I Know Of with a Friend That Lived Next Door. Ouch. Says wife had a year-long affair with a friend I known since— I have known since childhood. Oh geez. He lived next door, married with kids. We have kids and have been married for 13 years. Let me pause there. I don't know, coincidence or not, or if I'm just looking for something that's not there, but I hear the, the number around 13 to 15 years of a marriage is when kind of things get kind of screwy. That's a common number I hear, 13 to 15, around that range. I also hear around the 3-kid mark So just if you watch these Dear DSO things, maybe it's— you've noticed the trend as well. He says, I found out about a year ago about it, and then we stayed together and we've been working on it. So you found out about the affair a year ago, you've been working on it ever since. She has done everything right to repair this, and since then they have moved. Oh, so the other guy moved away. All right. He says, my question is How do I get out of the feeling of jealousy, of the feeling that they— this is all kind of discombobulated. How do I get out of the feeling, the jealous feeling, knowing that they had, that they had new love and the excitement of that sneaking around drug effect? I am jealous that I can't make her feel like that, or I don't have that. Okay, so you're saying, Jake, like Here's, you know, some ultimate truths about this whole affair thing that I often say to people is that you cannot, as a dude, compare to the feelings that she is having with her new lover in this affair. You as a guy, like a long-term partner— sounds terrible. It sounds almost anti-long-term partner thing, doesn't it, to some people, more anxious people especially? But no, it's just a I guess a biological fact. Think about an affair. It is the combination of brand new, and as I've said in many videos, new always wins. You can't beat new. But it's even worse than that. It's new combined with forbidden, combined with secretive, combined with like a naughty, titillating thing, especially if they are somebody that's had their, their sexuality repressed It's an extra, extra naughty, titillating, forbidden thing combined with the newness and all this other stuff. Um, it is downright addictive, and, uh, it makes the most seemingly sane, quote, normal people do wacky shit. And it sometimes makes people do— make mistakes that absolutely hurt them for the rest of their lives and hurt others, unfortunately. An affair, and affair is discovered, then they run away with their lover and they abandon their kids. And then, you know, 2 or 3 years later, they come back and say, that was a giant mistake, I'm sorry, everybody, will you take me back? And no, there's a lot of animosity, kids don't want anything to do with them, ex-husband says beat a woman, and now they're alone, or man, you know, for that matter. I mean, it's not good. So you saw that, or you sat back and watched that, and you got a wife who's wanting to reconcile with you. And you say she's doing everything she can. I don't know what that means exactly. Going through therapy together, is she trying to get to the bottom of why exactly it is that she did what she did? Is she at a point of personal development that is, um, oh, stifling her, her growth with her long-term partner? Or is this just simply a matter of lustfulness took over? I don't know. I don't know what's going on there. But usually in these circumstances, especially when we're talking about The anxious guys that reach out to me, the anxious guys that join our group— and by the way, you can learn more at help4men.com, go to Brotherhood in the menu, it's our private community for men only— or you can go directly to help4men.com/join. But, uh, so we see a lot of patterns with guys, and a lot of guys are super anxious and they tend to match up with these gals who tend to be kind of super avoidant. The old yin and yang. But I'll be damned, they're so super avoidant to the point of almost being seemingly narcissistic and almost seemingly asexual, some of these women. And then surprise, surprise, they actually had an affair. It's like once things get kind of real and safe and secure within, you know, long-term relationship and you got kids and everything else, they just shut down sexually. There's nothing there. They need that extra something that only an affair can provide to get them going. And if your wife is one of those, which I hear quite often, um, it's not a matter of just going, oops, my bad. It's oops, my bad, and let me get to the bottom what's going on here and why I did that. Because you have kids, uh, you don't say how many kids, 13 years together, kids, and she was willing to risk all of that, dude, with your, like, one of your best buddies who lives right next door. That points to some holy shit, you know, thinking going on, or lack thereof, in her head. Um, so is she going to a therapist to figure out like, why did I do that? And why did I hurt this guy and my kids and all this other stuff? And what's going on with me? That's basically the gist of the help that she needs to get. And from what I've seen from a lot of avoidant type women— I don't know if she's that way, I have no idea, I could be way off base here— if she's an avoidant type person, that is like therapy is verboten to them. They're like, I'm not going down that road. I don't want to even think about therapy. I can't sit in a room with a strange person and tell them my life story and pour my guts out to them. No thank you. If she's not doing that, she ain't getting help and she ain't gonna get better, and it will happen again. Here's the thing with a lot of addicts, whether it's drugs, alcohol, you know, substance abuse, or behavioral stuff, um, once they get a taste of that high It's, it's really tough to just go, "Never again," and put it away. What every addict will tell you is they have to put up very real boundaries between them and the substance or the behavior or whatever it is that they are addicted to. And they have to very actively, day after day, every day, basically for the rest of their life, do things to prevent them from going over the line again. If you're an alcoholic, you don't go to the after— after-work Christmas party thing where, you know, everybody's going to be drinking a lot. You're just like, sorry guys, can't do it. You don't go to the wedding reception. You know, these are all very normal social things, but you're like, I'm wired a little differently. Once I get a whiff of alcohol, I'm off the rails. Sorry, can't do it. Um, same thing with your wife. She, you know, going forward, it's like, you know, there's the, the new male neighbor that just moved in. He waves at you, you just wave back, and you turn in the house and go inside. Seems kind of extreme, like you don't talk to your new neighbor guy? No, because she's got issues potentially. Um, she's at work, new male coworker, hey, let's go grab a cup of coffee. Sorry, no can do. Why? Yeah, I tend to step over the line with guys when I'm alone one-on-one with them. Next thing you know, we're going to be talking about things. Next thing you know, I'm going to share stories about my marriage. Next thing you know, we're going to be texting. Next thing you know, we're going to be rubbing dirty bits together naked in your bed. Not good. So, long-winded way of saying, is she really getting help with this? Is she really doing the reconciliation thing the right way? Anyway, so to your question is though, dude, I feel bad. How do I get over feeling bad? You just work through it, my man. Um, you have to recognize this isn't necessarily about you in particular. If it helps soften the blow a little bit, it's more of the, um, the human condition. Like, welcome to being a human. Give yourself some grace. Your partner of 13 years and mother to your children just banged your friend next door and got busted, and you know about it. A lot of people probably know about it. There's a level of embarrassment There's a level of shame. There's a level of disgust. My partner has been naked with other human, makes me feel ew. Do I want them back? You know, there's like a very real kind of primal animalistic response to that, which is, is this person now diseased? Which by the way is a very real thing. STD testing, everything, make sure that's all done. It really taps into some really primal animalistic thing in a lot of men to find out that your long-term partner, mother to your children, has been banging somebody else. Seems kind of obvious, but you know, the subsequent feelings that result from that— I feel some guys are like, I feel really violent and angry. Give yourself some grace. Normal. Don't act out on it, but yeah, normal, dude. I feel very sad. I feel very jealous. I feel very— I can't get over the fact that they had this connection and it seems that my wife and I don't. Understandable. And I'm trying— not trying to belittle what it is that she did in any way, shape, or form. What she did was terrible. And in fact I probably, if I were you, um, asking for my advice, should I stay, I would say the stats— by the stats I mean, uh, you know, I don't know what the stats are universally. I can only give you anecdotally what I see with the guys that I work with. And the guys that are like, I'm Ralph Brewer, I'm telling you, we're going to work this out, we're reconciling, we're doing this, we're doing that, everything is great— 10 times out of 10, it doesn't work long term. Um, often as a result of the man kind of going through the process that you're going through, and eventually they kind of, quote, wake up and go, what am I doing? I don't want to go through life like this with a person like this. Beat it, woman. And they divorce. So, um, this may be one in a series of negative feelings that you feel. You know, feel them. There's no shame in it. There's nothing wrong with that. This is very similar to what I hear from a lot of men, which is, bad thing happened, I feel bad as a result, how do I stop feeling bad? A lot of people are very, very sensitive, and they're like, this depression, this anger, this sadness, this jealousy is so acutely bad that it's— I'm having a difficult time sleeping, eating, functioning day to day. It's like, well, yeah, that's— you've experienced a trauma. That's what happens when people experience traumas. You go through some not so good feelings. Gotta go through it, dude. That's how you get better. You experience it, you let it set in, you let it sit and think about it. It's your brain saying, pay attention to this, this is bad. Wake up, look at this. Pick, you know, the object up and look at it from every angle. Why did this happen? Why am I staying with her? This connection that she had with a man, is that something we've ever had as a couple? Is that possible to get that back? Is it even realistic to get that back? Am I asking too much? Am I too anxious in my demeanor towards my partner? Am I placing too much on their shoulders? Have I placed especially too much on the shoulders of a woman who can't give it back? And maybe the affair was evidence of the fact that she's just not wired for this thing. Or was it a slip-up that everybody is susceptible to, and I need to give her some kind of grace and some kind of leeway in this? And a little bit more patience as we work through this in therapy and everything else, knowing that in my back pocket I always have the option of saying, I ain't doing this anymore. And by the way, there's nothing wrong with that. So it's, it's natural to be jealous of and have those feelings of recognizing that that's what they experienced as an affair, as a new relationship, is perfectly normal. And it's very difficult, if not downright impossible, to replicate that at that level with a person that you've known for 13 years and have kids with. It's just a cruel little joke of Mother Nature, if you will. I'm gonna mention it again one last time. I know, sales pitch and all that stuff, but I created the group for a reason. I created this private community for men only for a reason, 'cause you're gonna take this and you're gonna post something like this out on Facebook or something like that, and you're gonna get a lot of ladies saying, "Shut the F up. She's your wife. I'm sure you failed her in some way." Oh, men and women and men both say this a lot. "I'm sure you failed her in some way. That's why she was forced to go do that. You're a terrible person. Shame, shame, shame." And by the way, there are like men's groups and male-oriented support communities and services out there that say exactly that. And they are terrible. They are awful. If you are part of a said group, I won't say their name. I know of one in particular that does this. Your woman cheated on you, you should actually befriend the affair partner and say, hey dude, tell me how to be a better man like you. Tell me how to, uh, do things in a better way to elicit the level of eroticism and sexuality that you got out of my wife that I'm unable to. Please teach me, teach me. Seriously, this exists. I'm not— again, I'm not going to say the name of the group, but you know who you are, and you are, uh, preying upon the inadequacies and mental and emotional shortcomings of very codependent men, and you are doing it under the guise of masculinity, trying to be more of a man, and it's bullshit, and you need to stop it. And I hope, Jake, you don't fall into the trap of those groups because they take you for thousands of thousands of dollars, and then years later you go, I'm still a codependent dude chasing after women for validation. Not good. All right, brother. But anyway, back to what I was going to say. The group, the Brotherhood, help4men.com. Go right to help4men.com/join or click on Brotherhood in the menu or right there on the home page. We have a community just for men who need help. And you, brother, you need help. You're going through a lot. You need to talk to other men who have been there and done that. By the way, I have been there and done that. I didn't do the reconciliation thing, but I've experienced what you've experienced. It ain't fun, is it? We have private discussion forums that are very, very active. You can post something on there, within minutes you're going to get a reply, probably from dozens of dudes. We have live Zoom meetings. We have many of those that are recorded that you can listen to if you don't attend a meeting. We have like over 1,000+ hours of meetings that have been recorded you can listen to, and we add to it every single week. We have all my books at no additional charge. You have big discounts on the coaching. We have some free courses, some big discounts on other courses. We get together in person, all kinds of good stuff. But that is precisely what you need at this time in your life. All right, brother, so check it out at help4men.com. Thank you so much for writing in. I do appreciate it. I wish you all the best. Please stay in touch. And guys, thank you for watching. Thank you for listening on the podcast. We'll see you on the next one.