Ralph Brewer explores why some partners lose sexual and emotional interest after marriage. He cites psychologists like Esther Perel to explain how comfort can trigger a shutdown of desire, often rooted in early trauma and a need for chaos. Men in these relationships tend to be anxious and codependent, eventually questioning why they stay.
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Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person. Real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting. So there's this concept that you will hear mostly from men about their female partner where they will say, as soon as my wife said I do, marriage, holy crap, this woman changed completely. She used to be fun, bubbly, feminine, sexy, much more open sexually, that's for sure. But as soon as she said I do, as soon as we got comfortable, as soon as we moved in together, as soon as we were husband and wife, I don't know who this woman is, but that's not the person that I fell in love with. Are these men exaggerating? Perhaps sometimes. I mean, really, when you dig into a lot of these stories, you will hear it wasn't exactly "I do" and then, "Holy crap, who's this woman?" Usually it was "I do," moving in together, having a couple of kids, and then of course the woman changes. As I've mentioned in previous videos, there is a psychological phenomenon, if you want to call it that, where women will be much more sexual in the dating phase, the courtship phase of the relationship, the early honeymoon phase of the relationship, as compared to the comfortable and safe long-term monogamous relationship phase of the relationship. This isn't a condemnation of women. It's just an illustration of human nature. Men do much the same thing, usually at a much more subtle level. It's not so obvious. Like, we'll go from a 10 out of 10 on the horny scale to like an 8.5. Well, it seems like not all women, don't get me wrong, not all women are wired this way, but a lot of women are wired where it goes from a 8 to a 3 after kids and marriage and everything else. Look up books by Esther Perel and Wednesday Martin and material by Dr. Psych Mom, Samantha Rodman-Whiten, for more on this topic. But that's not what we're talking about. We're talking about the, the phenomenon of I do and they change completely. Does this happen? Yeah, sometimes it does. What's going on here, guys? There are people, men and women alike, who are wired that as soon as they get a taste of comfort, familiarity, and security, they shut down. Make no mistake about it, these are pretty broken individuals. They need the uncertainty, they need the excitement, they need the hint of danger. As soon as things are normal and comfortable and very intimate, if you will, between two people, And by intimate, I don't necessarily just mean the physical act. I mean the emotional intimacy, the closeness. When it gets real, so to speak, as a couple, they get distant and they shut down. And when you look at the past of a lot of these people, because that's usually where the answer to a lot of these concerns are, you know, when you go, who is this person? Well, look at their past. That's who they are. Look at their childhood. They usually come from a childhood of chaos, a lot of not so good stuff behind the scenes, behind the curtain, if you will. And what happens for a lot of these people is a lot of that baggage that they bring to the relationship has morphed them into a person who cannot get a hint of excitement unless there's a hint of uncertainty there, unless there's a hint of danger. We all know the woman who just seems to come alive when she's with the, quote, bad boy. And she seems to die down when she's with Mr. Nice Guy. It sounds like some kind of, you know, red pill wet dream here, but guys, that exists. It exists also on the other side of the gender aisle. The old Madonna whore complex, as they call it. The guy can't do physical, what he sees as demeaning acts, with a woman that he sees now as the mother to his children. It's a very interesting, very human phenomena that we're seeing here. These people, at the current state that they are in, are not wired for long-term monogamous relationships. They are not wife or husband material. Sorry, it's not a condemnation of them. It doesn't make them bad people. That's just their current lot in life. Can they change is the question. Oof, that's tough. Technically, yeah, but I wouldn't hold your breath. Therapy, lots of therapy, lots of work on themselves, consistent work. It's like being married to an alcoholic or a drug addict. They can't slip up. They have to go to their meetings. They have to talk to their sponsors. They have to recognize their problem. They have to keep away temptation. It's constant work, and it ain't easy, and it takes a lot of patience on their partner's part. A lot of men in relationships with women like this are very anxious and codependent types. And when a lot of men work on themselves and they try to get better and overcome their codependent, anxious-y ways, their sense of self-worth goes up. And what I have seen, as I've said many times, the more their sense of value goes up as a man, their sense of self-worth, the patience goes down. The patience for BS like dealing with a person who says, "As soon as I am comfortable, I just shut down emotionally and sexually." A lot of men wake up and say, "What am I doing here?"
