Ralph Brewer argues that society pushes marriage as a universal goal even though it's not right for everyone. He uses the analogy of forcing someone into engineering to show how family pressure leads to mismatched marriages, and suggests fewer unsuitable marriages could reduce divorce and childhood trauma. He's married himself, but says monogamy only works when both partners actually do the work.
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Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching, courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person. Real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting. I've been told by several people here recently that my content seems to have strayed further away from the message of improving a marriage. And it's veered closer to the message of run for your life. I've gone back over my recent content, and I honestly just don't see it. But if I look at my content through the lens of what I call a marriage fetishist, then yes, what I say could be construed as negative, simply because I'm not painting marriage as the beacon of hope and the key to heaven that many seem so keen to put out there. You see, marriage is tough, and marriage is work. Marriage is not for everyone. If that puts you off the idea of marriage, then yeah, it's probably not for you. And you know what? That's okay. Please don't enter into the extremely legal and consequential agreement of marriage only to later create chaos because, quote, oops, I didn't know it was going to be this tough. It's not fair to you, to your partner, or to the kids that you will probably create. It's also not fair to the generations of grandkids that will probably also have broken families. If it sounds like I'm bitter, it's for a reason. I've spoken to so many men that paint themselves and their partners in the worst light imaginable. Anybody listening to their story would say, you know what, now there's somebody who needs to stay single and work on their issues for several years. Okay, so then why do they get married? Well, it's just what you do. That's the number one reason I hear. Marriage in many cultures is just a given. It's just, quote, what you do. Picture a guy who is notoriously bad at math. He's taken tests, and it looks like he has a propensity towards writing instead. And he loves to write, and he's great at it. He always scores high on things like reading comprehension. But he insists on majoring in engineering when he enters into college, which is a field of study that is notoriously heavy in math. He struggles through the courses. He barely scrapes by with passing grades. And he later ends up in a job that he hates. And he is depressed. He's out of shape. And he lost all oomph for life. But he later rediscovers his love for writing. And he finds himself devoting more and more time to it. It reenergizes him. He finds himself saying, "I wish I would have done this instead of engineering." So why didn't he? Well, probably because everyone told him to go into engineering since he was a young boy. His father was an engineer, his grandfather also. Within the culture of his immediate family, it was a given: you will become an engineer. The boy probably protested throughout his childhood. But I don't like math. I don't think this engineering stuff is all that interesting. It's boring as hell. Yes, his family replied, but it's a great career that anyone would be lucky to have. Look how good your father does. "he can take care of his family. Don't you want the same?" And so he gave in to the pressure and he did what he was, quote, "supposed to do." Fast forward to adulthood, and the man approaches his family with the news that he is quitting his job and he is pursuing a career as a writer. "What do you have against engineering?" his mom says. "Nothing against engineering, really. It's just not for me. It never has been." But the mother doesn't let up. Do you think your father is an idiot for being an engineer? Uh, no, why would you say that? the son responds. Well, you obviously have something against the profession. You probably think he's a boring idiot fool for devoting his life to such a lifeless career. I'm sure you think you're better than him. You probably think you're a more well-rounded and thoughtful person. You know what? Stay away from the grandkids. I don't want you infecting them with your anti-engineer mindset. Mom's response is a bit extreme, wouldn't you say? Well, this is precisely what I hear from the marriage fetishists. Quote, "Society will crumble if everyone doesn't marry." Well, allow me to put you in touch with hundreds of guys who live in a very chaotic and toxic marriage that they felt pressured to enter. The case could be made that their world and society overall would be far less chaotic if they just stayed single through their 20s instead of jumping into a marriage with the first girl who showed him her hoo-ha. Yes, there is a decline in marriage and birth rates going on, and I'm the first to say maybe that's not such a bad thing. I know you more conservative types feel that this is the next fall of Rome, but it could also be the Pareto principle at play. We're getting rid of all of those that shouldn't enter into the, quote, career of marriage. What's left are those people that have the personality and skill set to make it work. Is that such a bad thing? Maybe we'll see a reduction in divorce rate and fewer kids with emotional issues. Remember, I'm married. I feel that long-term monogamy suits me. I enjoy most of the work that is needed to make it function year after year. And I found an excellent partner. And she puts in the effort as well. And that is key, because I can't tell you how many men I talk to enter into a relationship where the other party, they don't feel any need to reciprocate the effort. The man feels the entire weight of the marriage on his shoulders because he is doing the work of two people. I'm not going to paint the man as a victim either, because experience and maturity will show him that he picked an objectively bad partner. He's also to blame for the situation that he finds himself in. But unfortunately, the societal pressure to marry didn't allow him to take the time to gain the experience and maturity needed to do the relationship thing the right way. And for some of us, we didn't gain this level of knowledge until after life smashed us in the head with the proverbial 2x4 of divorce. You see, marriage is great. For the right people. Marriage is a complete disaster for the wrong people. So which one are you? Take your time to figure that out. That may mean devoting your 20s and 30s to self-discovery, a career, dating, etc. That may mean bowing out of the marriage game completely. That may mean meeting the perfect gal who is the yin to your yang. And only you will know for sure.
