Sexless Marriage: She Was Different With Him

Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person, real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting. All right, I got another message from a follower, this time on Facebook. And you can follow me at Dad Starting Over or Real Help for Men on Facebook, YouTube, TikTok. And he says, Ralph, I'm struggling with something I can't get out of my head. My wife and I have been married for 11 years, 2 kids, good life on paper. Heard that one a few times. But our sex life is basically dead. What messes with me is this: before me, she wasn't like this. I've heard the stories, I've seen old messages. She had hookups, she was adventurous, she had a sex drive. And now nothing. She says she's tired, she's stressed, she is not in the mood. I feel like I got the worst version of her, like I showed up too late, and I hate that I even think this way, but I can't stop. Did she change, or is it just me? This, like a lot of the emails and messages I receive, is one that a lot of men can relate to, unfortunately. But for a lot of the guys, we don't like to talk about this stuff out loud, do we? Certainly not dinner table conversation, that's for sure. Big reason we don't like to talk about this is because it really hits the old male ego. It makes you compare yourself to other men from her past, and it leads you to the big uncomfortable question, like this gentleman said here, which is Is it me or is it her? Why was she like that with those other guys, but she's not like that with me? Right off the bat, guys, let's talk about something that I have mentioned bazillions of times. There is something in a relationship called the honeymoon phase. It is a very real thing. Early in a relationship, your brain is flooded with dopamine, norepinephrine, and another word which I'm not quite sure how to pronounce, phenylethylamine, whatever, the P word. This is the same exact cocktail of chemicals in the brain that is involved with Addiction. You feel excited, obsessed, energized, and yes, sexually charged. Everything feels very new. Everything feels very urgent. And here's the key in all of this. Novelty, which is another word for newness, that amplifies your sexual desire. New person, new body, new dynamic, new desire. Your brain is quite literally wired to pay extra attention to what is new because from an evolutionary standpoint, new represents opportunity. But unfortunately, or fortunately, I guess it's how you want to look at it, that chemical cocktail that we experience in the honeymoon phase, it doesn't last. For most human beings, it's anywhere from around 6 months to— some lucky bastards experience it for like 2 or 3 years. And then your brain shifts out of that high-intensity state into something more stable. Comfort replaces excitement. That familiarity replaces the curiosity. And security replaces any kind of tension you may have. And yes, as I've mentioned before, there is such a thing as positive emotional tension. And this is where a lot of couples recognize, especially guys, guys are pretty sensitive to this, that the old SEX goes down in frequency. And for some poor guys, it just stops completely. There is a term for this thing you feel when you're in a new relationship, and they call it new relationship energy. You'll see some people refer to it as NRE. The thing is, is that some people are more sensitive to the new relationship energy than other people. And no, we're not just talking about women here, people in general. Some people absolutely, positively thrive on that novelty. In fact, they need that new relationship energy, that novelty, in order to get the sexual engine going at all. And these people unfortunately get very bored and turned off and sometimes overtly very negative when things get comfortable, when things get secure, when things feel safe, and yes, quote unquote boring. Some of us say, you know, boring is good. Boring means there's no drama. Boring means the bills are paid, the kids are fine, there's a roof over our head, there's food in the What's so terrible about boring? But for some of us, the old sexual desire goes, "Frrr," and you feel less alive. You just feel meh. And once you get that meh feeling, what goes with it often is a lot of questions about my attraction and my compatibility with this other person. If I'm not feeling wildly turned on and ready to go at it 24/7 like I used to, does that mean that there's something inherently wrong with us? Some men and women will be very cognizant of their feelings and what's going on later in the relationship to the point where they will say, does this mean that I am asexual? Is there something really wrong with me? And for a lot of us guys, unfortunately, our spouse says, no, it's not me, it's gotta be him. A lot of men interpret this as the old bait and switch. She got me early on and now she doesn't have to, quote, pretend to be all turned on and sexy anymore. Guys, I'm sure that happens, but that is a small minority. If you were to go back in time and put a brain reading machine up to your spouse early in the relationship, oh boy, she was turned on. Those sexual feelings she had towards you, they were genuine. And this lack of sexual feelings she has towards you now, also genuine. It's just how she's wired, man. I'm sorry. But there's always a big but here. Sometimes it's not the loss of novelty that's at play here. Sometimes it is in fact, dude, how you have showed up in the relationship. Over time, a lot of us dudes, and I'm gonna raise my hand and say I'm guilty of this too, we become very passive. We become very predictable. Some of us more anxious guys, we become very approval-seeking. We're very much focused on keeping the peace and not rocking the boat and being hyper-agreeable. You become safe, you become predictable, you become very needy and you stop being the person that they have what we call like a positive emotional tension with. That sexual attraction needs some level of tension. And by that, I don't mean like conflict and drama and getting into fights and everything else, but you need some sort of polarity there. Yes, a little bit of mystery. Yes, a little bit of uncertainty. Yes, a sense that you are not fully under her control. You're a healthy, independent human being, not a manipulative a-hole, but a guy who doesn't really need her in order to function. Now let's talk about about the thing that just really eats away at the ego of the average dude. Or to be fair, at least the guys that reach out to me. This whole concept of, dude, she was really wild before me. Be careful with that narrative because what you're doing is you are comparing yourself to 22-year-old version of her. The version of her that had zero kids, maybe no job, maybe she was discovering and finding herself in college. Whatever it is she had going on, that version of her then, that's not her now. But there is something here to pay attention to. If she had super strong desire before and she doesn't it now, that is something you don't want to ignore. Maybe it's worth exploring what were the conditions of her high libido, let's say, then compared to now. And more importantly, what role am I playing in the current dynamic? I am not saying you are completely to blame for this situation, but you may have a little role in this. Maybe more than a little role. You're a dude, right? You like to take accountability? Something I hear a lot of guys getting on women about. Well, that may mean looking in the mirror. Here is what does not work in these situations: trying to talk her into having more desire, explaining defining your needs over and over again, shaming her. You know, you should want me. You're my wife. Trying to negotiate your way into having more desire. You know, I do this and this for you. Why can't you do this and this for me? Or just the opposite, being even more accommodating. Honey, you just sit on the couch and do nothing. I'll take over everything. You know what also doesn't work? Sitting back and doing nothing and waiting patiently for all the desire to come back. Desire doesn't respond well to logic. What it responds to is how she feels. When she is around you. So what can you do? What you can do is shift the focus back to yourself, because ultimately it's the only thing you can control. Am I right? You can think about your confidence, your independence, your direction in life, your boundaries, your mission, your presence in the relationship. Mind you, none of this should be done under the pretext, if you will, of getting sex. Because whether or not your wife responds to a healthier, more independent, more loving, more whatever version of yourself, whether or not she responds, you should do that shit anyway. You need that version of you back, because ironically, that's a mentally healthier version of you. It's funny how sometimes these relationships and all the issues that go with them put a big spotlight on, dude, you got problems. Here is the hard reality in all of this that nobody likes to talk about. People just love to pump you full of hope and they don't give you any kind of reality here. Some relationships do not recover from this. Why? Because that dynamic is too far gone. And we're talking about two human beings here. She or you could have a lot of problems that aren't resolved in just just, you know, going to talk about it or going to counseling or whatever. Sticking with the wife, it may be that she is wired in a way that she just does not respond well, at least sexually, to long-term monogamy. And again, you can try to shame her, you can try to logic her into how she should be a certain way, but man, she just may not be that way. You can control you. You can control your behavior. You can improve yourself. You can shift the dynamic in the relationship. Yes,, but it all comes from you. You cannot force someone else to feel something that they just don't feel. If you are in this situation, you ain't crazy. You're certainly not alone. You are not wrong for noticing this. You're not selfish for having needs and desires, but don't sit there stuck in comparison. Use it as information. Use it to wake the F up. And if you haven't done so already, start with my book, The Dead Bedroom Fix. You can learn more at deadbedroomfix.com. If you want to talk to other guys that are in your shoes or guys that have been there and done that and you want the Dead Bedroom Fix as well as all my other books and live meetings and forums and conferences and audio and all kinds of cool stuff, check out the Brotherhood at help4men.com or jump right to the join page at help4men.com/join. Because just sitting there alone with all this BS in your head, it doesn't help anything. All right guys, thank you so much for watching. If you could give me a like, give me a subscribe, I would really appreciate it. And we'll catch you on the next one.