Stop Forcing Closeness – How Anxious Men Kill Intimacy

Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person. Real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting. If you are like a lot of the men that watch my material, you are what we call the anxious or preoccupied person in the relationship. And if you want to learn more about attachment theory, you can read some articles we have up up on help4men.com. The mistake that a lot of anxious people make in relationships is trying to keep that connection always in the on position. You chase that closeness and connection in the relationship so hard that you squeeze the life out of it. So today we're going to talk about that, how to stop doing that, and how to build a relationship that you want with intimacy that lasts. Hello there, my name is Ralph Brewer and I run help4men.com. In our private support community, The Brotherhood, and you can learn more at help4men.com/join. There we talk about divorce, dead bedrooms, rebuilding after divorce, and all about the chaos that we experience in our relationships. And if you're new here, thank you so much for watching. And if you're a regular, you know how I approach this stuff. No fluff, no blaming women, and no pretending that your nervous system and your shitty childhood has nothing to do with this story. So let's get into it, shall we? Healthy intimacy kind of has a rhythm to it. You come together and then you pull apart and then you come together again. Most anxious guys love the come together part, don't we? But you hate the separate part. So when your partner in crime there, your spouse or your girlfriend, naturally drifts away to kind of recollect herself, to breathe, to think, to work, whatever it may be, You panic and you try to pull her closer again. And that panic moment actually produces the exact opposite of what you want. When you were a kid, that closeness to your parent gave you that sense of safety and connection that you needed basically to survive. And that wiring from childhood didn't disappear. As an adult now, Mr. Anxious, you try to stay on your partner's radar 24/7 texting, Overexplaining yourself, trying to fix her moods all the time, always checking the temperature of the relationship. And this is not evil. This is you protecting yourself, protecting your relationship. But in adult romance, this constant need for reassurance and connection is not love. It's pressure. And a relationship, like a fire, needs oxygen to survive. You need room to breathe. For a lot of guys I talk to, here's the moment that ruins everything. You feel what the kids call these days kind of a shift in the vibes of the relationship. Text messages from her are a little drier than they used to be. Suddenly plans that you make have to get moved and shifted around. She may be even in the room with you, but you can sense, being an overly sensitive guy, that she's not really there with you emotionally, is she? Your body and brain says, "Something's wrong here. I must fix it now." Instead of sprinting to fix the situation, here are some things you can do instead. Admit to yourself that your little body radar did pick up on something that's very real here. It's picking up on the distance, and that distance may be a result of just her mood at the time, work stress that she's experiencing, a hormonal shift. That's a very real thing, as every man knows. It may be something to do with her and her thoughts on the relationship, or it may have something to do with you. Regardless, it's producing feelings in you, and these feelings are real. Honor those feelings without demanding an immediate answer and fix to them. Your old anxious move was to previously reach out to her and get immediate reassurance and connection from her. You start peppering her with questions. You start giving her explanations and apologies. You start sending her text messages, or you ask her when she's sitting next to you on the couch, "Are we okay?" That does not create the closeness that you want. That closeness that you seek without freedom to be independent creatures, that's basically just an act. It's an act of neediness. It's not real intimacy. You're basically in that moment using your old kid brain. You are trying to use her to regulate you. You know what that is? That's a parent-child dynamic. It may, unfortunately for you, Mr. Anxious, actually kind of fix things temporarily, but in the long run, it ruins your romantic relationship because your romantic relationship is not based on a child-parent dynamic. At least it shouldn't be. Ask any woman, and a surefire way to get her to be turned off about you and your relationship is if you start to feel like another child under the roof. If you're married to a woman and you got kids already, the last thing she wants is another mouth to feed, another person to worry about all the time. She needs to know that you're a fellow adult that she can go through life with. So here is what adults do in these kind of situations. They self-regulate. They do what we call like a body check. Why am I tense? Where am I tense? Why is my jaw so stiff? Are my shoulders up or down? And what you do is you unclench your jaw, you let your shoulders hang, and you sit up straight and you slowly exhale. You're taking control of your very physical response to the anxiety that you're feeling. Then you take what we call like a 10-minute reset. Go for a walk, go take a shower. If you want to do a little longer than 10 minutes, go for a little quick drive. Maybe listen to some music, music that is not tied to your spouse. And then we set the phone down. In this day and age, that is huge. No checking messages, no checking the old social media. If it helps you out, put the phone on the old airplane mode. All of you guys watching this should have a brother that you can call on. Shoot your dude friend a text instead. Yes, you need a tribe that you can fall back on. Again, check out the Brotherhood at help4men.com/join. A lot of guys that I talk to like to use a journal to write their feelings, to get things out, so to speak. And what you want to do is write about the feeling, not the supposed anxiety-induced story behind the feeling. You can say like, my chest feels a little tight, a little shortness of breath, feel a little sweaty. I feel better when I go for a walk. What you don't do is start writing things like, I feel like my wife is pulling away from me because— you're just going to end up in a ruminating, head-spinning situation. What anxious guys do is they kind of blur the lines, the boundaries between them and the spouse. They say things like, "I feel bad because of this thing that she's doing. Therefore, she must fix me by doing this instead." No, guys, you are two separate autonomous human beings. And recognizing and honoring and respecting the boundary between you and the other person is a huge key to reigniting the desire. Say things to yourself out loud to reinforce this concept. She's got her plans in her life. And I got mine, and that's cool. What do I want to do today that doesn't require her? Things like going for a walk. Don't need her for that. Going to the gym? No. Concentrating on my little hobby, maybe, you know, playing some guitar. She's not involved in that. Go do something with the kids, read a book, go for a hike, whatever it may be. Create a non-her to-do list, a non-wife plan for the day. That autonomy, believe it or not, you anxious guys out there, is attractive. Why? Because you're a mentally healthy human being. Believe it or not, that's what a good secure woman wants in her life. You need to normalize that space between the two of you. That space does not spell out doom and gloom. That space, if you want to think about it this way, is kind of a mental health maintenance. The most secure people in the world still have bad days. Bad weeks, maybe even like a bad month here or there. Sometimes you have a sick or dying parent. Sometimes you have this work deadline that is just stressing you the hell out. Sometimes you're just in a shitty mood for no discernible reason. Welcome to being part of the human race. And this applies to your spouse as well. Love does not mean no distance between two people. Love means we honor the distance between the two of us. Without punishing the other person. Talk to your little inner 8-year-old self and say, "Hey, buddy, you know that ache and anxiety that you're feeling? Dude, it's okay. Don't worry, that closeness with your partner will return. Don't force it, dude. Make room for it." There's a huge difference. When you do communicate with them, change the language, change the verbiage. Don't put everything on her shoulders. "Why are you acting so weird?" Are you mad at me? Hey, are we okay? Not very strong mentally healthy language there. Take ownership of it. Hey, wife, I'm feeling a little anxious and edgy right now. Give me some space. You know, shoot her a text message. I'm feeling a little off today. Feeling a little anxiousy and ugh. I'm going to go take a few hours to reset myself, wife. And if she's not available right now, she doesn't answer you right away, that's cool. You have your own life, your own interests, your own brain and what's going on inside of it. She doesn't need to be responsible for that too. Closeness between two people is easier to achieve when you kind of know the rules of engagement between the two of you. This sounds a little weird to people, especially dudes that I talk to. But you know what? It's okay to say, hey girlfriend that I'm dating here for, you know, a few months, I'm a kind of dude that likes good morning and good night texts. There, it's out in the open. Ain't nothing needy and weird about it. But what if she says, ooh, I hate the good morning, good night texts. Well, guess what? Maybe she's not a good girlfriend for you. Maybe at baseline, she's just not a very over-the-top loving romantic person like you are. By the way, good morning and good night texts, that's not that weird. You're not weird for wanting that. And she's not weird for not doing that. That's just how she's wired. That's how you're wired. And you may be at baseline kind of incompatible. You may be the kind of guy who says, "You know what, wife, when I come home, I just need 30 minutes to myself. Just let me decompress." And she may be the same. And guess what? That's okay. I often talk about my dad. When he would come home, he would never just immediately get out of his truck and come in the house. No, he would sit in his truck for like upwards of an hour listening to the radio and drinking coffee and reading his newspaper. He needed some time to decompress before he faced the stress, if I'm honest, of his wife and the kid. And my mom was just like, eh, it's just what he does. It's cool. And you know what? You may be the type of couple that says, hey, when one of us is feeling a little weird and distance between, you know, us, it's okay to put that out there. Just say, "Hey, let's reconnect." And if the other person's a secure individual, they say, "All right, cool." Not a big deal, guys. Not the end of the world. Yes, this is how secure individuals communicate with each other. Sounds kind of weird to a lot of us, doesn't it? Those type of agreements protect the attraction and connection between the two of you because it allows the relationship to have oxygen. And air and distance and subsequently security. Funny how that works. If you start practicing some of this stuff, self-regulating, some healthy distance between the two of you, not being so needy and reaching out all the time, pay attention to what happens next in the relationship. If she's the type that engages more, great. Keep doing what you're doing. If she's the type that starts stonewalling you, dismisses any kind of feelings you may have, refuses any type of adult agreement as far as intimacy and connection is concerned. Believe the data that you have in front of you. Staying in a situation like that is a form of self-abandonment. You are responsible for protecting yourself. It's that weird little dance, isn't it? Am I being needy or am I being a normal human? For a lot of us anxious guys, we have a really difficult time trying to figure out what, what that delicate balancing act is. Where that healthy middle ground is. You'll get there with time. You just may not get there with this particular partner in your life. And you know what? That's okay. That's where the old scarcity mindset kills a lot of us. A lot of us know like 10, 20+ years ago that, yeah, I'm kind of fundamentally disconnected or mismatched with this person in this way. But we tell ourselves that's okay because you know what? I'm probably never going to find another woman like this again because of these 2 or 3 really great things about them. So I'll just look past the 7 or 8 really bad things about them and continue on. And a lot of us learn that's a good way to get really depressed about a really shitty relationship. This is where I talk to those guys that are like, the wife and I haven't touched each other in 20 years. No, I can't remember the last time we went on a date. No, my wife has never ever called me handsome. And for some reason, there's a social narrative out there that if a guy wants any of those things, he's kind of a needy asshole, or he needs to let the woman alone so she can be a better mother or whatever it may be. And no, guys, you're a normal human for wanting all that stuff, and you're just married to the wrong person. But some of you out there have a really good woman on your hands. She's a very secure individual. She just happened to connect with a guy who's really anxious and by virtue of his anxiety is really pushing her away. As you would with any secure person in any relationship. Frankly, a lot of that super over-the-top neediness and constant need for reassurance and connection is a wild turnoff to everybody, friends and romantic relationships alike. You got to recognize that, dude. Let's talk about some regular things that you can do, Mr. Anxious, to kind of get some reps in that will help you become a more secure individual and raise the chances of you having a successful relationship with a fellow secure individual. Let's work in some distance reps into your day-to-day life. Take some time before answering a non-emergency text message from her. Don't just immediately go to, "Yes, dear, whatever you say, dear," like a lot of you people-pleasing nice guys do. Let the message breathe. Take time to self-regulate. Notice the anxiety. Breathe your way through it. Acknowledge it for what it is and tell yourself, dude, If you don't answer right away, it's not the end of the world. You should be focused on other stuff anyway. You shouldn't be glued to your phone waiting for some feedback from your wife. It's not good. Practice the phrase, which is not needy, it's completely normal. "Hey, I'm feeling a little off tonight. Let's set aside 15 minutes tonight for you and I just to hang out." Try it out once, see how it works. Propose one single mutual agreement. It could be about You know, texting frequency. Hey, I like the good morning, good night texts every night. Talk about the decompression window after coming home from work, or talk about how you want that regular 15-minute reconnection every day, whatever it may be. But try proposing whatever that one ritual may be. Practice checking in with a buddy, a male friend, preferably somebody who's on the same wavelength as you, the same vibe as you, as far as, you know, becoming a better dude and working on your relationship and all that stuff. Again, check out the Brotherhood, helpformen.com/join. Build something, something tangible that you can create. Maybe something that you write, maybe something that you assemble with your hands. But men tend to do better when they can look back on something and say, "I did that." Men need some kind of proof of progress. So guys, in closing, healthy love is not a constant fusion of two people. It is two people who can breathe on their own apart or when together. If the apart part scares you, that's where you need to do the work. Regulate yourself first. Speak like an adult. Set those very clear agreements between the two of you and choose your path based on reality, not what your wounded 8-year-old child is looking for from mommy. If this helps you at all, guys, do me a favor. Hit subscribe, hit like, share this video, and go to helpformen.com. Check out all my books, articles, videos, courses, and again, check out the brotherhood at help4men.com/join our private support community for men only with lots and lots of benefits, including live meetings, over 1,000 hours of audio content, all kinds of cool stuff. Guys, thank you so much for watching. I do appreciate it, and we'll catch you on the next one.