In this episode of the Dad Starting Over podcast, host Ralph Brewer argues that men’s tendency to appear emotionally closed is not simply a product of “toxic masculinity” but a learned sexual signaling strategy shaped by women’s reactions over generations. He explains that men have internalized the belief that overt emotion reduces their sexual desirability, because women (consciously or not) often respond to emotional displays with reduced sexual interest or negative feedback. Brewer illustrates this with everyday scenarios—spiders, grease fires, and other crises—where a man’s calm demeanor is rewarded with sexual intimacy, reinforcing the stoic script. He then warns that many men swing to an extreme, adopting an overly “alpha” façade that suppresses genuine vulnerability, which can appear inauthentic and off‑putting (e.g., a dinner‑date story where a man brushes off a traumatic childhood event). The podcast outlines the narrow line between healthy vulnerability and unattractive oversharing, noting that men often misjudge this boundary because women’s requests for openness can feel like tests of masculinity. Brewer also highlights how women’s emotional instability and reactions (e.g., shutting down sexually after a stress disclosure) can further discourage men from opening up. He concludes with practical advice for women: instead of asking why their partner won’t open up, they should focus on creating trust‑building behaviors that signal safety for emotional sharing. Throughout, Brewer promotes the Help for Men Brotherhood as a resource for men seeking support in navigating these dynamics.
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Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching, courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person. Real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting. Any therapist, or any woman sitting with her friends and a glass of wine in her hand, has heard something like this: "I just wish my man would open up to me more. He's just way too closed off. All that toxic masculinity bullshit that these men push on each other keeps them from being complete human beings." It's annoying and it makes me less attracted to him. I just wish he would let me in sometimes. Men are often more, quote, stoic and closed off for a reason. The reason is not that all men got together one day and decided that being emotional was for wusses. But yes, men often say exactly that to each other. But let's dig deeper. Where did that come from? Some of your more feminist types may say that this, quote, toxic masculinity is a generational mindset that is passed down from man to man for thousands of years. Okay, sure, but why? Keep digging. The truth is staring you right in the face. Much of our behavior as human beings is dictated by one all-encompassing question: what will the opposite sex think? If they like it, I will do more of it. And if they don't like it, I will stop it immediately. So are we saying that men think that women don't like emotion so they don't do it? Is that it? Yes, exactly. And some may say, well, that's silly. Where does that thought come from? Well, it comes from our experience with women. To break it down into simpler terms, men have, through generations of trial and error, come to the conclusion that overly emotional men don't get laid as much as unemotional men. That's it. Yes, really. And women are now saying, well, that's bullshit, because I swear I would be way more emotionally connected to my guy and be more apt to open up physically to him if he just let his guard down. Hey, I hear you, sister. I do, and I get it. That makes perfect Sense. Unfortunately, whether you know it or not, your actions and the actions of every other woman in his life have told him the exact opposite. In the time that he's been with you, he's probably had an emotional moment a time or two, and your visceral reaction wasn't very good. You probably unknowingly, to be honest, you probably shut off the sex supply for a good amount of time after that little emotional hissy fit of his. And trust me though, he noticed. And if he's like most guys that I talked to, he could probably tell you exactly how many days you went without sex. So the message from you was clear. Ooh, emotions are no good. Please don't do that. That turns me off. Thank you very much. And then you saw a giant furry spider in the kitchen and you panicked and you jumped up on the kitchen counter to get away from it. Your husband calmly walked over and stomped on the spider. And then you hugged him like he just returned from the war. He was cool under pressure. So the message was received. Be cool when I'm not cool because I like that. And then there was the time that you had the grease fire in the kitchen and you screamed and you panicked and he calmly moved you out of the way and he dumped some baking soda on the stove, put out the fire, and he saved the day. And then you gave him oral sex later on that night. You didn't connect grease fire with your desire to please your husband, but he probably did, and therefore the message was received: being calm under pressure makes me want you. But you get the idea now, right? Now, with all that being said though, men do tend to take this a little too far. There is a big contingent of men on the internet comparing notes and asking each other which action is more alpha. It's all silly and cringeworthy, but it's understood. They just want to know what's going to get them laid. As human nature dictates, these guys don't just stop with a little bit of a good thing. They get a taste of the drug that comes with their newfound stoic image, you know, an increase of validation and sex from women, so they turn their emotional knob down even further. Here's an example of a guy on a dinner date who takes it too far and he comes across like a douchebag. He says to the woman, "You know, I was in a car accident when I was 10 and my mom died." And she says, "Oh my God, that's horrible. I'm so sorry to hear that. Oh, that would be tough on anybody, but for a 10-year-old? Oh man, that just breaks my heart. That must have been so hard on you." And he says, "Nah, people die. It happens. So you want to get some appetizers?" You see, there's nothing real there. There's nothing human. He's putting on a front for the woman. It's obvious and it's very douchey. Of course he was offended by that accident. Of course it was a traumatizing event. She sees what he's doing in that moment. He's basically scared to open up to her. Here's a healthier way to navigate that situation, but still look, you know, cool in the process. He tells her about the car accident. She says, that's horrible. And he says, thanks. It's been 25 years ago now, and I still think about it pretty much every day. It was really rough, not gonna lie. I still remember my mom and I think about her all the time, but I learned a lot from it. You know, life is a gift. In an instant, it can all go away. And so that's why I try to enjoy every moment and spend it with good people like you. So let's get some chips and queso. I'm starving. That's vulnerability. That's showing emotion. That's good stuff, right? Well, he could have been emotional and open and vulnerable to a fault. His reaction could have been something extreme like crying right there at the dinner table. People would have stopped eating and they would have stared at him. And then he may have to leave the room to go collect himself. Then he may pick up the phone and call his dad in a crying fit of emotion just to tell him that he loves him. And then he looks over the table next to him and yells out, "You kiss that woman, sir! You don't know when she could go away forever!" And we all know what would happen after that. The woman would either ask for the check right away and run out of there, or just ghost the man afterward and never see him again. Why? Wasn't what he did normal and understandable? Wasn't that a healthy response to a pretty horrific and traumatic moment in his past? Isn't he just being vulnerable and in a sense strong enough to share his innermost feelings of sadness in that moment? Well, no, he's being a weirdo. It's been 25 years since the accident. He needs to learn how to cope in a healthy manner. He needs to know that the first date with a woman is no place to break down like this. It's, it's strange and it's highly unattractive. That dinner date scenario, that may sound like a real, well, yeah, duh to most of you listening to this, but it's usually not so cut and dry for men. There's a very real tipping point where it goes from healthy vulnerability all the way to "eww, stop." And men today seem to have a very hard time figuring out where that boundary is. But in our defense, you ladies don't make it any easier. If anything, we men interpret your pleas for us to open up as a test of our fortitude as men. She says, "Open up to me," and he says, "All right, here you go." And her response is, "Okay, just, just don't talk to me right now. Just, just don't touch me." So what's he think? He says, "Damn it, I'm not doing that again." So which do you think is easier? To try and discern the difference between attractive vulnerability and yucky weak behavior, or just erring on the side of showing little to no emotion? Yes, humans tend to gravitate to the easiest solution. It's not necessarily the healthiest solution, but it's the easiest. Take a guy who went through a marriage where he was routinely way over the top emotional and open with his wife. A wife's infidelity and divorce are not uncommon for those guys. He then takes this emotional state out into the dating world. He is friend-zoned by every single woman that he meets. Some women even tell him that he's just way too nice of a guy. So weird, how can a person be too nice, he says to himself. And then he learns a thing or two about being more alpha male from numerous books and YouTube videos that are all aimed at guys just like him. And he goes back out into the dating world with his new tough, stoic alpha male suit on. And guess what? He gets laid. He gets laid a lot more. In one month, he got more sex than in 10 years of marriage with his ex-wife. Wow. The market has spoken. The customers are buying what he's selling. So you— do you think that that dude is going to be quick to open up to his next woman? It's going to take a lot of time and a lot of effort on the part of the woman to break down that man's walls. What does that effort look like? Well, emotional stability for one, coping with life in a healthy manner. As soon as a typical man sees that life's negative but completely understandable moments send his woman into a tizzy, Well, he learns that he does not want to add to that chaos. Many men can be heard telling their kids, "Don't bother mom with that, okay? She has enough to worry about." The last time he told his wife about the possible layoffs at work resulted in her shutting down sexually for 2 months, and then she had to go to the doctor for an SSRI prescription, and then that started her bottle-a-day wine habit. And the message was received: I don't handle stress very well. And that woman wonders why her man doesn't just open up to her very often. Because that man's no dummy. He knows how much his woman leans on him for stability in an otherwise turbulent world. If he were to sit her down and say, "You know, you think I'm so rock solid? Well, I'm not. I'm a mess like everybody else." Well, he might as well just throw a damn grenade into the living room. Same result. Yes, ladies, you hold a lot of power in a relationship, and we all know this. You can probably get your husband to do that one annoying chore by saying, "Blow job tonight?" And you can also dictate the emotional landscape of the house with your emotional instability. The man either learns to tiptoe around you like a guy trying not to wake a sleepy newborn, or he just stops giving a shit. What he doesn't do is let his guard down and, quote, open up to you. That's a recipe for disaster. So maybe you should stop asking, why doesn't he open up to me more? And instead ask, what do I do and not do as his partner that shows him that he can trust me? Just food for thought.
