In this solo episode of the Dad Starting Over podcast, host Ralph Brewer first promotes the Help for Men Brotherhood, a support community offering forums, Zoom meetings, coaching, and courses for men dealing with loneliness, dead bedrooms, divorce, and life rebuilding. He then categorizes married men into three archetypes based on his observations from thousands of one‑on‑one conversations and forum interactions. 1. Super Provider – Men who were previously inexperienced with women, built successful careers, and entered marriage with high expectations for sexual fulfillment. They often experience “dead bedrooms,” feel unable to meet their wives’ sexual needs, may turn to porn, and can become resentful, leading to divorce, especially under no‑fault divorce laws that keep them financially tied to ex‑wives. 2. The Player – Charismatic men who easily attract women, enjoy high new‑relationship energy, but lack long‑term direction. After marriage, their libido wanes, they feel trapped, and may contemplate affairs, mirroring the dissatisfaction many women feel in similar situations. 3. All‑Around Great Guy – A rare blend of provider stability and player charisma. He values traditional marriage, is attractive to many women, and has a lower divorce rate, but achieving this balance requires significant personal work. Brewer critiques societal expectations that push men toward marriage as a “chaos‑free” solution for society, noting that not all men have the tools or willingness to succeed in such roles. He emphasizes that bachelorhood is a valid choice and that men should not be pressured into marriage without the necessary skills and support.
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Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching, courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person. Real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting. You know, I've been doing this DSO thing for years now, and by my estimation, I have chatted one-on-one with over 1,000 men, plus thousands more online in discussion forums, including our own DSO fraternity forums and our live member meetings. And after a while, you start to notice patterns in the stories. Men think that they are unique in their tales of woe, but oh boy, are they wrong. I'm sure psychologists and the like are unified in saying, man, these humans sure are interesting but predictable creatures. With that being said, I also recognize that people really, really don't like being categorized. They don't like being told that they are a typical case of fill in the blank. They may take comfort in, quote, not being alone, but at the same time they want reassurance that they are special, different, and not doomed to the same fate as those other guys. Well, with that out of the way, I thought it'd be interesting to look at what I consider to be the 3 types of married men today. Type number 1, the guy who would otherwise rarely, if ever, be in a romantic relationship. We all know this guy. Hell, you may be this guy. They have very little experience with women, probably scorned and shamed by girls while growing up, probably saw a lot of their fellow young men chatting up girls, flirting, and quote, getting lucky with what seems to be very little effort. They feel cheated out of what most of society tells them is the pinnacle of existence. To be in a romantic relationship with a woman. They probably turned to pornography to fill their needs, probably to an unhealthy level. When entering adulthood, they probably built themselves up to what we call super provider levels. They have a great career, after all. They would love to have a family. They are overall kind and generous guys, but probably to a fault. They probably have very little in terms of what we call boundaries, especially when it comes to the opposite sex, because to be in the presence of a woman is a very rare treat for them. To be in a sexual relationship with one, well, that is akin to visiting heaven and winning the lottery at the same time. They will sacrifice much to stay with a girl. Women are pressured to settle down and be with Mr. Super Provider. Their family, friends, and society overall will tell them that Mr. Provider is exactly what she needs moving forward in life. On paper, well, they're exactly right, because if you want safety and security, look no further than Mr. Provider Extraordinaire. As we know, dead bedrooms are not uncommon for Mr. Super Provider. These relationships probably lack that early, quote, new relationship energy or as I like to call it, the hot and heavy phase that many other men report. These men will say that anything approaching the level of eroticism that they see in porn still eludes them. Their wife has never shown any interest in anything beyond missionary in the dark. It's very tough for these men to turn around the relationship to a level that meets their physical needs, simply because there's no such thing as turning around. They need to completely recreate themselves into something that the wife suddenly finds attractive. Well, that's extremely difficult, if not impossible, for most. That's even tougher with a wife who's overwhelmed by a job, 3 kids, and looming menopause. It is argued by many that the concept of marriage was created in part to keep these type of men satiated and under control. Men who feel that they deserve sexual gratification and a romantic partnership, but have little in the way of skills to naturally achieve it, well, they tend to be chaotic creatures. Think of the, quote, "incel types" who build up a large arsenal of machine guns and plot to do mass shootings to show the world just how much we have all hurt him. And yes, it can be that awful and dramatic as we have seen. Thankfully, it doesn't go that far for most. Most of the time they find themselves diving into the world of online forums and groups dedicated to misogyny and hatred of women, and even more hate for the men who are, quote, "lucky enough to get them." It is not a pretty picture. For a select few of these guys, they are able to break free and create themselves into a whole new person. They see that they have real potential and real value in the world. They see that life is not all about sex and getting into their wife's pants. So they improve themselves a great deal. And many are able to light a fire under their wife and start up her sexual engine. But many discover that their wife never was the match that they thought she was, so they divorce and they go out into the dating world with a new high-value dude suit on. And oh boy, life gets a lot more fun for them. But unfortunately for many of these men, the wife beats them to the divorce punch. They discover that their wife was secretly chatting with the one that got away, the loser from her past who really pushed her buttons back then. Their affair goes from emotional to physical in a hurry. The full-blown affair is discovered and the divorce is underway. The Super Provider tries all he can to keep the marriage intact, but it is far too late. The current laws and regulations around divorce— thank you, no-fault divorce laws— make it so that the Super Provider has to continue on providing for his ex and he loses precious time with his children. For many of these guys, this serves as their awakening. It pulls back the curtain of their marriage and exposes it for what it really was— a sham. He's angry, he's betrayed, he's depressed, and he's possibly suicidal. Married man number 2: The Player. This guy has never had a problem getting girls. Sure, he's been shot down many times, but He's not one to curl into a ball and weep over a woman denying his advances. This guy has the abundance mentality in spades. Society tells our ladies' man that he needs to settle down with one gal and make some kids. Why? Well, the player tends to not have much direction in life beyond, you know, getting laid and having fun. Sure, there are some gainfully employed player types out there, but it's also not unusual for this guy to live in some one-bedroom apartment with nothing in the fridge, one recliner, and a really big TV, and that's about it. His job is okay, but it's nothing that screams super provider material. He's not really the best picture overall for our society, or more specifically, for our consumption-based economy. We'd all be much better off if Mr. Playboy got married, had 2.5 kids, and bought the SUV and minivan, etc., instead of going around and possibly impregnating young gals that he meets at sports bars and pool parties. The player usually has holy shit levels of new relationship energy when in the early stages of a marriage because he's attractive and charming. After all, he was probably able to snag a woman that reciprocated his level of sexuality. This is the level of intimacy that he expects, and he gets it, and life is good. And then time passes and kids come into the picture. Comfort, Familiarity, stability. This is a pretty potent libido killer for a lot of women, and his wife is no different. Mr. Player finds himself saying, "Uh, this ain't gonna work for me." He may even approach his wife and say exactly that. What he gets back from his wife and from his entire social circle is some variation of, "Dude, this is marriage. What did you expect? Learn to love it." It's interesting to me just how much my interaction with the player type reminds me of talking to a woman about relationship issues. Why is that? Well, let's look at the similarities. The player is the player for a reason. He has a product, himself, and he puts it out on the market, and the market responds by giving him sexual attention. He's the iPhone of the sexual marketplace. For the woman, I often joke that no matter if she's 20 pounds overweight and she has 8 kids, all a woman has to do is stick her head out the front door and yell, "Okay, who wants some of this? You got 10 minutes," and some poor schmuck is going to come running. Why? Because she's a woman. The current marketplace has told us all in no uncertain terms that the value of women is through the roof. You may not like to hear it, but that's the truth. Just go ahead and create a fake female online dating account. Pick photos of the most average woman that you can imagine and sit back in awe at the number of messages that she receives. It's insane. What your average woman and the player type of dudes also have in common is this unwavering feeling of, is this really as good as it gets? The average woman sees her average ho-hum man and her mind starts spinning with thoughts of Do I really love him anymore? He hasn't given me butterflies in I don't know how long. What does he provide for me other than a paycheck? Do I really need him? The player looks at his frumpy wife who told him, "Not tonight, honey," for the 4th night in a row, and he starts thinking, is this as good as it gets? 10 years ago, I was getting 3 different women every week. This is insane. Why am I putting up with this again? I wonder what single life will be like. What's also interesting to me is just how hard the player type falls madly in love with some of the women that he has affairs with. He's ready to drop the wife and move in with a single mother of two because she makes me feel like I've never felt before with my wife, he says. She gives me that connection that I need. We're very similar in so many ways. This speech is so eerily similar to a typical wayward wife affair fog speech that I just have to laugh. Married man number 3: the all-around great guy. This one is the rarest of the bunch. He could get to the player levels of sexuality, but that's not really his style. He probably has the charm, the looks, the personality of the player, but he also has the super provider characteristics. But he really doesn't fall into either category. He's that elusive combination of both. He enjoys his freedom, and he succeeds in spite of his single status, but he would really enjoy going through life with a partner. His more, quote, "traditional values" means that he recognizes the advantage of marriage. Yet, he's not quick to pull the trigger on walking down the aisle. Meeting his criteria is tough. These guys are quickly snatched up in the dating market. After all, he's the best all-around dude possible, which means that he has a long line of women ready and willing to play the part of "wife." He brings out the best in women, and they bring out the best in him. He's a great all-around dude to have fun with and to start a family with. It doesn't get any better than this guy. Considering his probable healthy childhood and his lack of negative baggage, he's probably more apt to find a woman of similar ilk. Divorce is not as common with this rare gem of a man. What I have found is that every man seems to think that he falls into the category of Guy #3, but it's rare. Most of us just don't have the tools in our mental toolbox to pull it off. We can get there if we so choose, but it takes work. A lot of work. And for many, it's just not worth the hassle. So they go on being resigned to their current status. And most of the time they bitch incessantly about it. I often say to Category 1 and 2 men, you know, you don't have to be married. You can live life as a bachelor. That's a perfectly acceptable way of life. Well, what surprises me is just how many guys, especially the player types, they tell me that they recognize their faults and how that gets in the way of what they want, but they want to roll the dice anyway. They want a family. They want comfort and they want stability. Sure, their past actions and results show them that maybe taking a big fat timeout is in order. But no, they don't care. The drive to pair bond with one woman for life is just way too strong. And so they marry and they have children and they create chaos. And the cycle continues for generations. All of this is precisely why you'll never hear me say to men and women, 'You just need to get married and have some kids.' I think that is a somewhat myopic viewpoint. All things being equal, yes, that does appear to be the most fruitful and chaos-free path of life for society as a whole. But all things are not equal. Not all of us have the tools, and not all of us are willing to put in the work to acquire said tools. And from where I sit, that's perfectly okay.
