The White Knight Who Couldn’t Stop Saving Women

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Every once in a while, I get a message from a guy that's, uh, pretty painful. Pretty painfully honest, and it really sticks in my mind for a while and I can't stop thinking about it. And, uh, this is such a message I got from a guy. This one came from a guy that he asked me, he says, um, be as blunt as I need to be. He says, quote, don't sugarcoat it, I need the truth. And this guy, we will call him Ethan, and this is his story. He says, quote, hi Ralph Brewer. Hello, Ethan. He says, I don't even know where to start. I guess I've been a, quote, helper. My mom used to say I had a big heart. What she didn't say was that she made me use it to fix everything wrong with her life. My dad was gone most of the time. When he was home, he and my mom fought loudly. I would get between them. I would make her laugh. I would calm him down. I thought that was love. I was keeping the peace. Fast forward 30 years and I'm still doing the same thing, just with the women that I sleep with. My wife is wonderful. She's kind, patient, and she's been through hell raising our son who is autistic. I love them both, but somewhere along the way I started to feel invisible. It's like I was the utility guy who just fixes things and he doesn't get seen. And then I met her. She worked at the coffee shop that I go to after the gym. She's beautiful, but there was something sad in her eyes. She told me her boyfriend hit her, that she was trying to get out. And before I knew it, I was offering to help. Find her a new place, talk to her landlord, drive her to work. And it all felt noble, like I was doing something good. It wasn't long before we were texting every day and then talking at night and then meeting for coffee that turned into dinner. And then the inevitable happened. She kissed me and I didn't stop it. I told myself that I deserved it, that my marriage was already broken, that I was helping her and she just happened to help me too. But now, a year later, I'm completely trapped. She is dependent on me emotionally and financially. If I pull away, she falls apart. If I stay, I'll lose everything else that matters. I keep telling myself I'm a good guy, but deep down I think I'm addicted to being one. Wow, that's, um, what a deep message, and one that I hear some semblance of relatively often. Um, thank you, Ethan, by the way, for writing in. I do appreciate it. That's big of you to admit all of that, and you can see your faults, and you can see kind of where the origin of this is. That's relatively rare in my world. A lot of guys don't go that deep into this sort of thing. They just know that they just— a lot of guys just think, you know, wow, why do I keep getting in all these romantic relationships that are filled with drama? Um, yours is a little different that you are married and you— this little side relationship with this very broken individual that you've attached so strongly to and all that other stuff. Um, but I'm here to tell you you're not alone. Um, this is something that, um It's so common that there's kind of a slang term in the relationship world for it, the old white knight complex, white knight syndrome. And you'll even hear some guys use the not so nice term— sorry, it's not mine, I'm just repeating it— the Captain Save-A-Ho. Um, it's basically like a deep compulsive, if you will, need to rescue broken women because it kind of scratches an itch that you, you may or may not know that you have. And you think you're being a compassionate person, but really what you're doing is in essence kind of feeding an addiction within yourself. Before I go deeper into this, please be aware I am not a psychologist, I'm not a psychiatrist, I'm not an— as I often say, not an ist of any kind. I'm just a dude with a microphone and a bald head, and apparently there's a lot of us loudmouth know-it-alls out there, so take it for what it's worth. If there's any validity to what I'm saying, it's as a result of me speaking to well over hundreds and hundreds of dudes, if not thousands at this point, whether it's one-on-one or online via messaging and so forth. And this is something I hear quite often. But from what I'm saying here, please be aware, take it and maybe go speak to a professional about this. And you can always use me and what I say, have them listen to this, and maybe a good introduction, but to getting some quote real help with this. But with that out of the way, Um, you're a fixer, something we see all the time. You see what can be construed as chaos and you jump in because it gives you what? A sense of purpose. And somewhere along the line, that whole sense of purpose, Mr. Fixer, uh, persona became— that became your identity. And you're basically thinking, if I'm not saving someone then who am I? What's my purpose here? You feel lost without saving someone. And when Mr. Fixers are in relationships that are healthy, it's just they just feel kind of aimless. No mission, no purpose, and consequently no passion. They just feel really blah in a relationship because there's no chaos there. Um, you grew up being basically what you can say is kind of the emotional glue for your mother and a woman who in your mind needed constant rescue. And that is not good, dude. Uh, you know, enmeshment, I've heard it called, uh, parentifying. You know, your parent is supposed to be the one to rescue you. You're supposed to be the, the one in distress who needs a little guidance in life because you're a kid. You know, what do kids know, right? You need the parent to say, no, no, this way, do this, don't do that. It's okay to have those feelings. I love you anyway. It's okay that you made the mistake. Let's pick you up and brush you off and all these other things. But when it's flipped Oof, it's not good. It has a lot of long-lasting effects. And man, I see this all the time. Uh, it's not to demonize the single mother, but this is that dynamic that I hear more often than not is, um, dad out of the picture for whatever reason, and, uh, mom, you know, leaned on her little man, as she often said, to be kind of a quasi-spouse to her. And, uh, you know, overshares a lot of information about work and boyfriends and everything, and it's, it's not good. And, uh, yours is some semblance of that, and now you're recreating that dynamic over and over again with other women in your life. It's kind of the same story, same movie if you will, but just a different cast. And, um, be aware of one thing is that, uh, you don't necessarily really love these women, and not in a healthy way. You love— what you love is the feeling of being needed. Big difference there. But here's the ugly truth, if you will, behind all of this. This is something I want you to really internalize, and again, something to work through with a therapist. That kind of love, it's not about them. It feels like it's about them because it's so projecting on them, and you're so spending money and time and energy and love on the emotionality on them that it feels like it's them, them, them. But really, this is about you. It's kind of about control, because if you're always Mr. Rescuer, then you never really have to face your own mess, do you? You never have to be the one that's vulnerable. You get to be the hero instead of the dude who's obviously hurting. You got a lot of problems, dude, and you're not facing them, and you don't have to when you're busy fixing everybody else. And you wrote yourself, quote, "If I leave, she will fall apart." And that's the trap here, man. That's the addiction talking, if you will. You have convinced yourself that her survival depends on you. And it doesn't. You're not the god here. You're not her father, and you're not her savior. You are just the latest chapter in her chaotic life story. If you really truly want to help her, then you will walk away. That's quite literally the only help that you can give her, because right now you are not helping her heal. You're kind of helping her stay sick, so to speak. You're making yourself her emotional drug. And it's kind of like two addicts both chasing the same high of being, in quote, important in all of this. And by the way, this doesn't make you a monster. It kind of makes you a human being. But it also makes you dangerous to yourself and all those people who actually love you. It's— your wife doesn't need a savior. Your son doesn't need a rescuer. They need a man who is able to sit in discomfort and not run toward chaos in order to make you feel alive. They need you to stop trying to fix everybody else and start fixing yourself, dude. If you and I were working together one-on-one, here's what I would tell you in kind of a mentor/coach relationship. Dude, you gotta end this relationship with this woman right now, cold turkey. You don't owe her any explanation. You don't owe her a big fat sit-down and dramatic closure and all this other stuff. That's often what I hear guys say, and all it does is just prolong everything, and it just— next thing you know, another year goes by and you just haven't got around to having the big talk. You just, just disappear. If you want to call it ghosting, that's fine. Um, get professional help, like I mentioned with the therapist and everything else. Uh, get with somebody specifically who has experience in, uh, love addiction, codependency. I think both of those, um, terms apply here. Get into a men's group. It's going to sound a little self-serving here, seeing as that I am the coordinator and founder of such a group. Whether it's our group or any other kind of support community just for men, you need to be in one like yesterday. Check out the Brotherhood at help4men.com/join. We got hundreds of dudes, many of whom are— have been in your situation or are currently in your situation and trying to overcome it or some version of it. When you're in the Brotherhood, you get access to our support forums that we have that are extremely active, our live Zoom meetings that we have many every single week, and we record them all. So you have like basically a podcast format that you can listen to of thousands of hours— no, excuse me, hundreds of hours, up to over 1,000 hours of recorded audio from all of our meetings. And in addition to that, we get together in person. There's courses, there's the coaching I mentioned, but we also have all my books that I've written at no additional charge. And I have one coming out here real soon called Rebuild that I think will be right up your alley. It's basically about just starting over from scratch, figuring out who the hell you are, what is it you want in life, what is your identity, and starting things and rebuilding things the right way. So I think as a member, again, you'll get that at no additional cost, or you can just check it out. It'll be available on Amazon here soon. HelpForMen.com/rebuild if you want to be put on the list. To be made aware of when that comes out. But guys, in closing, a lot of men think that this nice guy rescuer thing is a virtue, but if your niceness comes at the cost of your integrity as a human being, it's not a virtue. You can see it as kind of a form of self-abandonment. And you don't need to save women. You just need to, it sounds kind of hokey, but you kind of need to save yourself. And when you do, you stop attracting people who need saving, and you start attracting people who are healthy enough to walk beside you in life. There's an interesting concept. So if you're listening to this and you see yourself in Ethan's story here, join us on the Brotherhood, help4men.com/join, or reach out to me one-on-one. I would love to chat with you. All right, guys. Thank you so much for listening, and we will catch you on the next one.