A codependent "nice guy" outsources his self-worth to his partner's approval, over-functions in relationships, avoids conflict, and mistakes drama for intimacy. This pattern, rooted in the belief that self-sacrifice prevents abandonment, actually pushes partners away and erodes attraction.
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Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person. Real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting. In my world, the male-centric self-help relationship-oriented space, There is one category of dude that I see more than any other. These are what we call the nice guys. For those that don't know, nice guy is a slang term for a codependent man. It doesn't necessarily mean he is kind, often quite the opposite. The term was popularized by Dr. Robert Glover in his book, No More Mr. Nice Guy. I suggest all of you that are watching this, if you're a dude, you probably need to read it. And by the way, if you want to meet myself and Dr. Glover and others, you can do so. Go to brofest2026.com. That's brofest2026.com and buy your ticket. March 27th, 28th in Louisville, Kentucky. So what do we mean when we talk about this codependence stuff? I get that question a lot from guys in the comments on my videos on social media. To help explain the whole codependency in men thing, let's look at some common behaviors and thought patterns in the typical nice guy. Let's start with relationship and dating behavior. If there's one thing I see over and over again with the guys that I work with one-on-one, and you can learn more at help4men.com, is that there will be a theme of he overfunctions and she underfunctions. He manages her emotions, her schedules, all of her stress, all the crises that she may be experiencing, and he sets aside his own needs. He mistakes caretaking for love. If I fix her problems, then she will feel closer to me. Newsflash: No, she doesn't. All she does is feel managed or even controlled by you. Not good. He stays quiet to avoid any conflict. He suppresses all this resentment that he experiences month after month until finally it blows up. Sometimes it comes out in the form of passive aggressiveness, sarcasm, or anxiety. He constantly asks for reassurance from his partner. Are we okay? Are you mad? What did I do? And he tolerates disrespect all in the name of keeping the relationship going. You got the old sexless marriage, dead bedroom thing, emotional neglect, boundary violations. He does all of these things in the name of avoiding abandonment. Now let's talk about emotional and psychological patterns of the nice guy. His self-worth depends on her mood. If she is happy, then he feels calm. If she is distant from him for whatever reason, he starts to spiral out of control. He feels responsible for her feelings. If she feels sad, stressed out, angry, the nice guy feels that it is his responsibility to fix it, even when it is obvious to everyone else it ain't his fault. He fears being either too much or not enough. He's always walking on eggshells around his woman. He's always self-editing. He confuses intensity with intimacy. Drama, crisis, all the emotional chaos in his relationship— he feels that is a form of connection. And he experiences extreme guilt when he is asserting his needs. Asking for intimacy? God forbid. Space? Respect? Autonomy? All of this feels very selfish to him. Now let's look at behavioral red flags in himself that happens in everyday life, not necessarily with his wife. He has to overexplain everything. He can't just have a simple preference. It needs to come with a long explanation and justification. He apologizes excessively even when he's done absolutely nothing wrong. I find myself saying this to a lot of nice guys. Dude, you're doing nothing wrong. He ignores his gut feeling. Red flags appear and they appear early in a relationship, but he rationalizes them away. He sacrifices his friends, his hobbies, his goals and mission in life, if he has one. His life slowly collapses around the relationship. This next one is a big one. Pay attention, guys. You stay loyal to potential, not reality. You often find yourself saying, "She'll change eventually, I know it." "Things will get better if I just try harder." Sometimes it's absolutely true and oftentimes it's not. Now let's talk about sexual and intimacy dynamics. Sex becomes a form of validation and not necessarily born out of desire. He doesn't just want sex with his partner, he wants proof that he is wanted. He internalizes rejection deeply. The old "not tonight, honey" feels like intense personal rejection. It is a form of personal failure, and he feels this rejection as impending abandonment. And a lot of men often set aside their sexuality completely, all out of shame. He avoids any kind of sexual initiation. He suppresses all of his sexual preferences, and he accepts the old dead bedroom, sexless marriage situation, all in the name of keeping the peace. All of these things that I talk about fall under the umbrella of one core belief with the codependent Mr. Nice Guy. If I am useful, if I am agreeable, and if I am self-sacrificing enough, then she won't leave me. And that belief drives everything in your life. All this codependency Mr. Nice Guy stuff is misdirected attachment, untrained boundaries, and outsourced self-worth. Let that last one sink in. Outsourced self-worth. I bet that hits home, doesn't it? And the grandest irony of them all is that all of these actions that you're doing within your personal relationships, it's actually causing your relationships to deteriorate. It's expediting the disconnection. It is removing all the natural attraction between the two of you. Whether we're talking about a romantic relationship or even a platonic friendship, all of the things that you say or doing to maintain the relationship are actually pushing them away. If any of this hits home with you and you'd like to discuss this with other guys that are in your shoes, join the brotherhood at help4men.com/join. We get together in private discussion forums, live Zoom meetings. We've got a whole bunch of live Zoom meetings lined up with special guests too, including Dr. Robert Glover, author of No More Mr. Nice Guy. We have courses, we have one-on-one coaching, and yes, we get together in person for conferences in the US as well as Australia. So guys, we would love to have you. The Brotherhood, helpformen.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting.
