“We’re Just Dating… And Already in a Dead Bedroom?”

Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person, real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting.

Mr. Brendan is, is, uh, giving us more detail on his situation here. He says, I've been dating her for 3 years.

Very good.

Our physical relationship has slowed down a lot over the last year. Ruh-roh. I have fears about this setting the tone for a marriage. Other than this, I see myself spending the rest of my life with her and having a family. I appreciate the advice. And then Eric says, red flags that you ignore in the beginning of the relationship will become huge problems later on after marriage. And read that, Brendan, what Eric just said. Read that about 12 times until it sinks in. Uh, I'm sure she's a wonderful human being. I'm sure she's a real doll, and she's probably considered your best friend and everything else. There is an aspect of long-term monogamy, marriage, that is not so nice. And it is, um, especially not so nice if you are a person who very much values physical touch, intimate physical intimacy in the form of sex. Otherwise whatever, however you accomplish that in the bedroom, if you will. If you value that, there is a, a little not so nice fact that, that affects the majority of human beings in such relationships. And how I describe it—bear with me if you've seen me say this a few hundred times—libido up here, and then when long-term commitment—I'm going to marry you, you're going to marry me, we're going to have kids, right, right—when that commitment hits, there's a dip in the old libido department. And it looks like this for men and women both. Yeah, dips down a little bit. Now for men, for the rest of the relationship, for most of us, not all of us, that libido kind of maintains, doesn't it? So things that I say to illustrate this point is like a guy could have the worst day at work ever, uh, he may be getting fired, he— this horrible thing may have happened, is whatever. Picture like really, really stressful day in this guy's life, and he comes home to a wife, and the wife says, I know what you need, mister, let's go to bed. And he'll be like, you got it, right? That's probably majority of men, be like, let's do this. Because at baseline, he has that libido that is always just kind of boiling under the surface. It's a flame that's always burning, pilot light is always on. And, um, but for the woman, it's not so much. As long-term monogamy, comfort, stability, familiarity sets in in a relationship, especially after monumental things such as— I'm keeping with this libido level— goes down a little bit with commitment. I'm married to you, you're not going anywhere, goes down even more. And let's have some kids. For some, it just completely falls off the cliff and it's gone. It's horrible as, as that is to say. You haven't even seen any of that yet, my friend. You haven't seen the— have you moved in together? Have you married? No, you're still here. You're supposed to be kind of still humming along and enjoying this honeymoon phase, as we call it. But you're like, no, I'm here, but she's already down here. Uh-oh. And you haven't had the marriage and the kids yet. Uh-oh. That doesn't bode well for the physical intimacy department. Now, some men hear that and go, that's actually not that big a deal to me, dude. Well, cool. No, more power to you if you're that way. Great. But a lot of men are not that way. A lot of men see that physical intimacy thing as being like paramount, hugely important thing in their life. We understand wife just had a baby and for the next few, 3, 4, 5 months, whatever, it's going to be down here. Cool, I get it, because her body's recovering hormonally, she's changing. I'm not some dickbag who's going to force myself on the woman. I understand these things happen. Some monumentally horrible thing, her mother died, or I understand, hands off, cool. That's not a time for physical intimacy. She's not wired like I am. That's just the way it is. But prolonged month after month after month, year after year, that's not good. And if you're already seeing that, my friend, uh-oh. Now, another possible uh-oh in this is if Brendan, you go to, let's call her, do you wanna call her fiancée? I don't know, is that right? That's for the sake of argument. If you go to fiancé now and say, I'm, I'm not feeling good about something, and here's what it is, here's what I'm feeling very uneasy about with our relationship. If you can't have that conversation now and hash it out like two adults and come to some kind of compromise solution— let's go talk to somebody, maybe we need to go out more together, maybe are, are you depressed? Lady, or Lady, let's call her Sally, or Depressed Sally, or Sally, maybe this, this is kind of what— maybe the, for you, the, the new relationship honeymoon feelings have dissipated, and this is kind of who you are. You're kind of a low libido person. Is that— would you say that's fair, Sally? That's kind of how you are? Oh, well, good to know. Oof, I don't know if this is going to work. That extra little— I don't know if this is going to work. That's the tough part, isn't it, Brendan? I than others. It's like, well, I don't want to go over there because I love the woman. I understand, but you asked, so this is bothering you. This is potentially a big deal. And, um, yeah, I guess you have to decide how big of a deal it is because it'll probably get worse from here in that regard. Other things may improve, but that physical part may just— dude, it may just die completely. Um, but it's not a good— not a good sign, my friend. What do you think about that, hearing that out loud? And as Eric is saying here, you ignore this shit, man. This just gets worse. It's true. This, this will just get worse. Whatever little red flag it is, especially this physical intimacy thing. Oof.