Ralph Brewer describes how divorced men often swing from nice guy to alpha persona after a crisis, attracting insecure women who bond neurochemically after sex. He recommends a 12-month dating hiatus to process baggage before re-entering the market, noting most men eventually find a middle ground.
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Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person, real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting. So I posted this the other day and it got a lot of attention, a lot of feedback. The whole former nice guy who got zero sex turned into alpha male a-hole who easily gets sex isn't just some misogynistic fantasy. That happens. The men tap into something with their new confidence. Plus, they have opened themselves up to a giant world of insecure women who eagerly give up sex for a moment of attention. So for those of us who have been through the change of going from very introverted nice guy— and nice guy is a term that, uh, kind of coined by Dr. Robert Glover in his book No More Mr. Nice Guy. Basically means codependent, people pleaser kind of guy. So introverted, nice guy, pushover, meek, definitely introverted, not an extroverted guy. He doesn't get much— have much luck with the ladies. And then usually via some kind of major holy poop moment in his life, like he got dumped, cheated on, or whatever, he goes through a major transformation. A lot of these guys, you know, stereotypically start in the gym. And so they work on their physicality, which causes them to look better to the opposite sex. They put on a little bit of muscle, they lose body fat, so they stand taller, literally stand taller. They're more confident, and the world rewards them with attention. And by virtue of the attention he gets, he has more luck in the bedroom with the ladies. And sometimes this goes with kind of a quasi-narcissistic kind of attitude of, I'm a big shot now. And some people look at that as he's kind of a jerk. He's kind of full of himself. In other words, what I call like the alpha male kind of asshole kind of persona. And with that new persona comes success in the bedroom. Just millions of guys can attest to this. And then what happens is a lot of these guys kind of get tired of that world and then they swing the pendulum kind of back to center more. So they used to be way over here and then they were way over here and now they're kind of in the middle. That's what I've seen for a lot of men. So yes, that happens. Now, the second part is what kind of made a lot of people, especially women in my audience, go, "Well, now hold on a second here." And that was that this opens these men up to a whole world of what I call insecure women who are eagerly ready to give up sex for a crumb of attention from these men. And some women came back to say, "Or, Ralph Brewer, the women, these women, you know, enjoy sex." There's nothing wrong with that. Absolutely right. Nothing wrong with that. There are people in this world who are wired in a way to where they can enjoy casual sexual encounters with multiple people and they will not form what we call feelings or permanent kind of monogamous attachment, if you will, to their partner. In other words, a guy can go out, sleep with 3 different women in a week. And by the next week, he really doesn't have much in the way of romantic feelings for any of those 3 women. They were fun. They were fun to hang out with. He enjoyed the act for sure. But after the fact, eh, he's fine if he doesn't ever talk to them again. And there are some women that are wired this way too. They'll meet some guy at a club, go back to his place, have a good time. She doesn't necessarily reach out and text him and, you know, wanting to further that connection, and that's cool. If that's how they're wired, then all right. But my contention is that's the minority of us. I think for the majority of us, the act of sexual intercourse with another human being releases a lot of chemicals in the body, in the brain, which causes us to want to bond with that person. Yes, men and women experience this. I often say to men, the guys that are attracted to my material, the guys that I call kind of anxious dudes, I will often say to them, if you're fresh out of a breakup, a divorce, give yourself 12 months before you put yourself back into the dating market. And a lot of these men are kind of like, whoa, dude, I just want to get laid. It's been a while. I was in a dead bedroom, you know, marriage for years. Now I'm out in the market. There's this new guy who lost all this weight and he's going to the gym and I want to experience this, you know, buffet of sex that all these guys out there are talking about. It's like, okay, but I gotta warn you, if you're like most dudes that I talk to, you're going to be 1, 2 women into this and you're going to, quote, catch feelings for a gal. Is there anything necessarily wrong with that, especially if it's reciprocated? You fall in love, she falls in love. Great, right? Now the problem is, is that if you're fresh out of a divorce and been dumped and cheated on and everything else, that shows that number one, you have a track record with a certain type of person, and sure enough, you're probably going to be attracted to them again. Just happens. And thing two is you don't realize it, but you're pretty broken after a breakup, and you're kind of nutty, kind of crazy, and therefore you're going to attract crazy So, it's like a double whammy. You have your baggage of, you know, the stuff you never dealt with which caused you to connect to your ex which ended horribly. And now, you still haven't dealt with that baggage so you take that into the dating world and of course, you're going to attract people just like your ex. Combine that with your nuttiness post-divorce and it's not good. So, often with these guys is they'll go out, they'll date, they'll get lucky. Gal number 2 or 3, hell, sometimes even gal number 1, They're like, "Hmm, I think this one's the one. I think she's different." And then all hell breaks loose 6 months later, maybe even sooner, and his progress is set back 5 or 6 steps because he just couldn't say, "Let's just hold off on the relationship thing for a bit." Now, of course, women are not immune to this phenomenon as well. In fact, some people have even said that women are more apt to bond with a person that they have sexual intercourse with. Not all women, but I would, just like with the guys, I would say most of you, yeah, probably. In fact, in response to one of my female commenters who said, "So Ralph, are you saying that all women who want sex are just crazy insecure women?" It's like, no, not at all. You're missing the point. The point is, and I put it in a follow-up post. I said, you know, for every Brenda who says, you know, I enjoy casual sex and I don't need a committed relationship, well then there are 3 Candies. So 3 Candies for every one Brenda, and those Candies will show up at your door screaming and crying at 2 AM because you didn't return her 834 text messages the day after you slammed the bejesus out of her. Guys, that happens. Ask any guy who has a lot of luck with the ladies. He has a lot of sex with a lot of different women. And he will tell you, "Oh boy, the drama." And he'll probably say, "My 1 to 3 ratio is a little conservative." It's not because all women are nuts. You know, flip the genders. All these men that I'm talking about, they're getting hyper-attached to women after, you know, being with them for one night. Those men aren't nuts. I would put forth that those people are just Your average human being, they're following their biology. Their body and brain is saying, this is it, this is the one, stay with them, stick with them, make babies, pair bond with them, as people like to say. And so when their body and brain is screaming, I'm attached to this person, and that person ignores their text messages, they can go a little nuts. And again, not a gendered thing. I talk to the men who meet some gal at a club, exchange numbers, hit it off with her, have a wild, you know, night in bed, and then the next day she just kind of stops replying to his texts. And he's like, "What's wrong with me?" and "Why would she treat me this way?" and "All women are like this." It's like, dude, chill out. It's just a gal you had fun with one night. Doesn't always work out. You're gonna have to roll with the punches if you're gonna be in this world. You met one of the few gals that doesn't feel that form of attachment after having sexual intercourse. That doesn't make her weird. It doesn't make her broken. It just means that's how she's wired. You, my friend, are not wired that way. And I'm talking to a lot of you people out there. You're probably not wired that way either. And you know what? That's okay.
