"Why can't I get a date?!"

Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching, courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person. Real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting. For a lot of men who listen to my podcasts and read my articles where I talk about the common experiences for men dating after divorce, their first response is something like, "Uh, dating? What's that? I tried. Nobody wants me. I haven't had a girlfriend in years. I think I'm destined to be alone forever." Sometimes they even leave these comments on my Facebook page for the entire world to see. It's a not-so-subtle cry for attention, and ironically, it further puts them into the unattractive hole that they seem so desperate to escape. Let's just cut to the chase here. If you're a man who has put himself out in the dating market for a period of years and you have zero luck, you know, no fun dates, no sex, no good connections, no relationships, Well, then something is most definitely wrong with you. No, it's not that quote, "All women are psycho," or "All women just want assholes." It's that the product that you are putting out in the market, you, is not what is in demand right now. That's it. Pretty simple stuff. This isn't going to be some touchy-feely, "you go girl," type of content. As tough as it is, you need to remove your emotion and your ego from the equation here. I know it hurts to be rejected and ignored, but you need to be blunt and analytical about this. Why are you being rejected? Analyze, adjust, and try again. Or you could just give up. Let's say that you own a car company and you have a really unique new car model that you want to sell. You spend a lot of time and a lot of money on the development of the new car, and then you put it out in the market and sales suck. If you read some of the reviews of the car, it turns out that nobody seems to want a hot pink car with white fur interior and a low-powered engine with horrible mileage. While you thought that it would be a cute and spunky car that teenage girls would be crazy about, it turns out that you were wildly wrong. And the car ended up being the laughingstock of the auto industry. So, do you double down and continue making the same product? Maybe even put more white fur interior and a different shade of hot pink? Or do you pull the plug on the idea and you listen more to your customer base for your next car model idea? Which avenue do you think gets positive results? The car scenario may sound a little far-fetched, But the business world is filled with stories of obviously dumb products that have millions of dollars and thousands of hours of effort behind them. When you read these epic business failure stories, they all seem to have one thing in common: some guy at or near the top of the company really and truly believed in the idea, and he didn't listen to any of the experts telling him otherwise, and he got very angry and and he lashed out at anyone that told him that he was making a big mistake. Or it could be that the product was the brainchild of a small entrepreneur wannabe who had dreams of selling his wonder widget in stores all over the world. And he mortgaged his house twice, and he spent every waking moment that he had on the idea, and he was certain it would fill his bank account with millions of dollars. And then he goes to his investors, or maybe even on a television show like Shark Tank, And the reaction he gets is something along the lines of, dude, you can't be serious. This is a god-awful idea. And the entrepreneur is crushed. Here's a question. Are you one of these guys? Guy number 1, you put your bio out on 6 different dating apps and nobody messages you. You decide then to be more proactive. Almost zero response to the messages that you sent out to the ladies. So you try to, quote, lower your standards a bit and still nothing. And so you lower them a little bit more and still nothing. Guy number 2, you get some luck with some dating apps, but you never get past the initial messaging phase. It seems that once these women get to know you, they disappear. And some even seem to block you. And you're confused. You had long conversations with women that went on for hours and yet They disappear when you mention you want to go on a dinner and a movie. Guy number 3, you get past the conversation phase, but it never goes past the first date, even with the women that you feel like you really click with. These men are at different phases of the product cycle. Some never make it out of the planning stage. Some can't get investors to agree to help them out, and some make it all the way to the store shelf, but nothing happens. Wherever the failure occurs, the result is the same: no sales. Wrong product, wrong time. Nothing in business happens until the sale is made. Remember, women rule the online dating market. As the unforgiving data shows us, women tend to find 85% of men in the dating pool to be below average in attractiveness. Men tend to be more fair, giving most women the expected rating of average. So that's right, when women look at all the products on the proverbial store shelf, only 15% of what is offered is worthy of their time and effort. So right off the bat, you got your work cut out for you. Your market is very, very picky. On the flip side, a very average woman can put her bio out on a number of dating sites and apps and she will get a large number of likes and messages. Her product is highly sought after. The story is not the same for the average dude. That's just the way it is, and you're not getting anywhere by bellyaching about it. According to your prospective customers, your product didn't make the cut. Another product two shelves over looks way better. Now, you can do what a lot of men do in these situations. You can give up. You can point at the customers, the women, and claim that they are all stupid and they don't know any better. You can say that they wouldn't know a good product if it bit them in the face. You can go on YouTube and find a plethora of MGTOW-type videos espousing that there is no hope for men like you, but that's okay because these women will all die alone with lots of cats. In the end, the universe will make sure that we all have a fair distribution of misery. Well, that sounds like a pleasantly nihilistic view of the world. I hope it gives you some sense of justice and fairness. But in the meantime, you're still not getting laid. Who is it that you are going after? Like any good business person, I think you need to identify your prospective customers and how your product matches their needs. Are you looking for casual fun? Do you want to enjoy the company of a beautiful and interesting woman, but Don't really enjoy the idea of settling down again? Or are you looking for the next Mrs. Right? Once you've properly defined what it is that you actually want out of the dating experience, you need to take a step back and look at yourself, the product, and ask yourself if you really are a good match for that targeted customer base. If you are a guy who has been a dad and a father for 20 years, and you wear that old trusty pair of 10-year-old white New Balance sneakers, and your wardrobe consists of practical, no-nonsense clothes purchased from Walmart, and you drive a minivan that you plan on driving until the, quote, wheels fall off, you're probably not the type of dude to snag the super hot, fun younger gal whose idea of a good time is hitting the clubs until 3 AM. You either need to go through a complete and lengthy personal transformation to mold yourself better to that market Or you need to just set those ladies aside and go for the also divorced 40-somethings, the ones who enjoy knitting, watching their kids play soccer, and for whom going a little crazy consists of having one can of light beer at the next family barbecue. That's a totally different audience, and they have a totally different set of needs and expectations. If you are that dude, then you're not a Ferrari. You're a Ford F-150. You don't want to waste your time and advertising dollars putting up billboards in Beverly Hills. You're better off running an ad on cable TV during the NASCAR race. You see where I'm going with this? That hot young gal chased by the older frumpy dude scenario, that is an extreme example, but it's illustrative of the main point. You're batting way out of your league. And yes, I know that you're not shooting messages to those super young hot gals. I know that you're sticking to the gals that are, quote, more appropriate age range and sending messages to the ones that you seem to have something in common with. And I know you're still not getting anywhere. Why? Because based on the laws of the cold and ruthless mating game, you might as well be hitting on those younger gals. The chances of one of them saying, oh yes, I'll gladly go out with you, are about the same. Why? Because your product, it stinks. It may need some major modifications, some fine-tuning, or you need to completely scrap it and throw it in the waste bin. I know being told that you're not good enough hurts to hear, but it's the truth, and it's also productive. It should give you a glimmer of hope. Unlike the myriad of people telling you, hey, don't worry, you'll find somebody, I'm telling you the truth. To find what you want means making some very real changes to your behavior. The product that you have is not in demand. Listen to your audience, change accordingly. It's really that simple. Well, exactly how and what should you change? More on that in future podcasts.