In this episode of the Dad Starting Over podcast, host Ralph Brewer opens with a promotion for the Help for Men Brotherhood, a support community offering forums, Zoom meetings, coaching, and resources for men dealing with divorce, loneliness, and life rebuilding. He then reads a Dear DSO (Dear Dad Starting Over) submission from a listener identified as "Wordsmith," a stay‑at‑home father of four adopted special‑needs children who is grappling with a recent divorce, chronic anxiety, and depression. Wordsmith describes his ex‑wife’s puzzling post‑divorce actions—discarding shared furniture, rearranging the home, changing TV habits and food preferences, and displaying erratic hot‑and‑cold behavior—leaving him confused and emotionally destabilized. Ralph validates Wordsmith’s feelings, normalizes the trauma of family disintegration, and emphasizes that his reactions are typical, especially given his mental‑health history. He advises seeking professional help if needed, considering medication without stigma, and first addressing basic self‑care: diet, exercise, and social interaction. Ralph repeatedly urges Wordsmith to join the Help for Men Brotherhood, use its forums, attend live meetings, and share his story for peer support. He also discusses the common pattern of ex‑spouses making symbolic changes (e.g., removing a shared recliner) and cautions against over‑analyzing these actions, recommending mental detachment and focusing on personal growth. The episode concludes with a call to action for Wordsmith to engage with the community, prioritize his mental health, and channel his energy into rebuilding his life and supporting his children.
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Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person. Real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting. Hey guys, Ralph Brewer here, and we have a new Dear DSO submission on the website, and you can submit your own story or question to deardso.com. That's deardso.com. And if your story is a good one, I will create a video out of it for the whole world to see. And this one comes from a regular, Mr. Wordsmith. In case you missed it, I did a live call-in with Wordsmith. His situation, very stressful. He's a stay-at-home father to 4 special needs kids, adopted special needs kids. He has a history of anxiety, and depression. His wife is very much the type A career gal. And as a result of all this stress, in part, they had a very real split in the romance department. They just didn't do anything together for a while. And he was working with me and writing into me and reading my book and so forth to try and wrap his head around what was going on. And she here recently surprised him with, "We're done. I want a divorce." Which didn't really make much sense considering he's been running the logistics of the home and these 4 kids, and how the heck is she gonna do this alone? You know, even if they have the kids, you know, 50/50, she's a career woman, and none of this really made much sense. And I kind of hinted at, there's a very real chance based on, I'm leaving out a lot of detail here, but there was a very real chance based upon some of the info we had, and yes, based upon my own experience and prejudice when it comes to this kind of thing, let's be honest, that I said, you know, there may be, there's somebody else lurking in the wings here. Maybe an affair or something like that. Anyway, he writes in to say, "Hey, DSO, um, hope all is well. My question today is, have you seen situations where after divorce the ex-wife makes a lot of really random changes to the house and the family routines, etc.? This may sound very random, but for instance, my ex-wife and I each had nice recliners in the living room." I have mine in the new apartment. She threw hers out even though it's perfectly fine. And she moved the couches to spaces creating a very odd design. Also, we used to watch a regular TV show together that we stopped watching since she wasn't into them anymore. And now suddenly she's watching them again. And she suddenly likes food that she didn't like before that he, Wordsmith, says he likes a lot. She never wanted to order it at any time I suggested it. Also, I can't figure out why she's so hot and cold with me. Friendly one minute, kind of cold and snappy the next. And finally, I've read Divorce Panic, which is a book of mine. Thank you, Wordsmith. He's read it several times and he's still having issues getting through the pain of all of this. I have this tight ball of anxiety in my chest. All the time. Occasionally I'll be fine for a bit, but then I'll suddenly break down and sob. I still haven't moved most of my stuff out of the boxes even though I've been in my new place for 3 weeks. Every time I start unpacking, each thing reminds me of where I was with her and when I got it. A DVD, a book, a shirt, etc. All of them apparently have memories now. I start my new job in a month, So for now, I'm just by myself here most of the time. I know I need to get out and try to do something, but I just feel paralyzed. Your story from Divorce Panic rings true with me in many ways. I have no friends here and no family close by. I'm just alone. So yeah, I'm still struggling with everything and trying to make sense of why I'm so broken over a relationship that was so dysfunctional for years. I just keep remembering all the good times we once had and how she seems so perfectly fine and happy about all of this while I'm utterly broken. I can't even experience any joy at all. Thank you for all that you do, and any advice is appreciated. Oh, Wordsmith, I'm sorry you're going through this, buddy. But for those of us who have experienced this, we're kind of grinning and nodding and saying, been there, done that, my friend. That does not belittle everything that you're going through. I'm not going to be one to say, you know, toughen up and wipe your tears and be a man, damn it. No, dude, you're a human being. You've been through a trauma. The trauma is one of, oh, it, you know, one of the most acutely awful traumas that a human being can experience. Disintegration of a family, a romantic partner saying, I don't want you anymore. All of this is, you know, to take on so suddenly, even though this has been, as you allude to here, kind of a slow boil over the years, hasn't it? Um, It's not good. And, uh, you are experiencing everything that you're experiencing, perfectly normal. That doesn't, um, help fix anything though, does it? And, um, your history of depression and anxiety compounds the difficulty. And you're talking about you lost your sense of joy. Everything is causing you to, you know, feel a lot of negative emotion and it comes in waves. Again, all perfectly normal and possibly even, uh, even more amplified given your propensity for depression and anxiety. So my first thought is, dude, are you getting professional help? There's a lot of stigma around, you know, drugs, pharmaceuticals to help people out. And, uh, I am the first to say let's cross some things off the list before we go down that route, such as diet, exercise, socializing, which is something I'm going to get to here in a second. Uh, we need to get those things ironed out. And then if you're like, I'm still having trouble getting over the hump, I'm having very, um, oh, unhealthy thoughts, maybe self-harm, things like that, then sure, go to a professional. If popping a pill helps keep you, keep you above ground, so to speak, then pop the damn pill. All right, no one's going to judge you for that. Um, with that being said, the socializing aspect of this, you know, no, have no friends, no family, brother, I'm going to pick on you a little bit here, okay? This is all in love, brotherly love here. We have an organization called the HFM Brotherhood, and I gave you a link to join us and try it out for a month at zero charge to you, just to see if it's something that can help you out. And if you're like, I don't think this is for me, then you just don't renew and you're good, right? But you haven't taken me up on that yet, not that I know of anyway. So when people hand you help and say, here you go, buddy, I care for you, I'm worried about you, here you go, take it. Okay, whether it's friend, family, coworker, whatever it may be, take it. Don't worry about your pride. I don't have any time for this. I don't have the energy for this. Dude, this is your mental health we're talking about here. Those kiddos need dad around. We all want Wordsmith to stick around, right? We don't need you drifting off and going into a bout of depression here, which you have a very real, uh, uh, danger of getting into. You need to be around, so to speak, be around our online group that we have. We have discussion forums. You can post your story, stories. You could post every single day. You could post multiple times a day. Nobody's going to shame you for it. We're all going to be there for you. Join in on some meetings, talk to myself, other coaches, dozens of other guys in the group, and we will all help you get through this. And you will share your story with guys who will all say Dude, been there, done that. Here's what I did. Okay, with that being said, going to your ex-wife's— I'm calling her ex-wife, that's what she is, right? Ex-wife's behavior, boilerplate textbook. She's starting over. You are— she's turning the page on the chapter. You're the chapter that she's covering up with the pages. As you know, she turns the subsequent pages, you're in the background there, buddy. She got rid of the couch, or the chair rather, because that represented you two, didn't it? Your little chairs side by side. I'm picturing, you know, in the living room watching TV, and she's like, "Eh, that's not me anymore. Just get rid of it." She's going back to some things. You know, your thought process here with your message to me is one that is very anxious. Why is she doing this? Why is she doing that? Why is she not doing this? Why suddenly is she doing this? Does this give me hope that we're getting back together? Does this mean that she hates me now. Why does she hate me? If you watch my stuff, you've heard me say more than a few times, dude, do not try to make any sense of any of this, okay? If your ex-wife is in fact seeing somebody else, or somebody else in the picture, which I alluded to was a very real chance based upon some of her behavior that you described to me, then she's really going gaga up here. Yeah, I shared this story before where with my ex, you know, we were in the middle of this separation and the affair was discovered and everything else. And suddenly she just calls me baby out of nowhere or something like that, or honey or babe, or I'm like, whoa, where did this come from? And she acted very maternal and like a normal wife. And I'm like, what does this mean? Are we like getting back together? Because at the time I was very much, you know, very anxious and traumatized. I want nothing more than to get my family back together. And then just like that, she flipped a switch and back to her new self. I saw that several times, and a lot of men can attest to the same thing. Again, we cannot fathom the level of— if you want to call it crazy, that's not necessarily fair— but anxiety. And she's getting pulled this way, pulled that way. She's longing for this, but she wants this new— she hates you for whatever reason. Hey, just let it go, dude. Don't worry about it. But then she loves you, but then It's nuts, dude. Don't worry about it. You need to distance yourself from it. Eventually you'll get to the point you're just kind of smirking, going, eh, par for the course. And then years go by and you just look back on those moments and laugh. Like, remember when she threw out the freaking recliner? What the hell was that all about? Oh, I don't know, she was going through something. She's going through something and you don't need to be around for it. And you definitely don't need to have all this crazy occupy your brain. You need to worry about you, my friend. Let her go. She booted you out the door, literally booted you out the door. Now's the time to heal and take this opportunity to do some really good things. Plant the seeds of things that will further help Ward Smith grow as a man, as an individual. Okay, check out the group. I gave you the link, free for a month. Get in there and just start posting like crazy, reading material, listening to past meetings, Joining in live meetings. You have some time on your hands, buddy. You're at a point where, you know, before the new job starts and everything else, jump in there two feet. Go in the deep end. This is your new mission. Wordsmith is your new mission. Getting better is your new mission. Stop trying to understand all the shit that's going on with her. Let her go. And by letting her go, I mean mentally let her go. She's occupying a great deal of space in your brain, and this is perfectly understandable. You, you are admittedly a neurotic person, as you put it, an anxious individual, so you have a more propensity for ruminating on certain things. So it's easier said than done, isn't it? But I'm telling you, you're going to slip into a very deep depression if you don't take proactive measures and do these things. And when people again hand you help, when they extend a hand, take it, my friend. All right, thank you for reaching out, brother. I appreciate it. You know my email. Email me anytime. Okay, thanks a lot.
