Why So Many Men Are Lonely (And Won’t Admit It)

Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person. Real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting.

One thing I've seen a lot online from guys, guys complaining about women, this whole notion of women, you're going to die alone with 12 cats. They'll often pick on women who, you know, have turned them down for relationships, or women that seem to be extra picky in the world of relationships. And men fight back to say, oh my gosh, all you women, you're doing a disservice to yourself. You're going to end up alone, scared, and without a partner. But you know what that is? It's not really a joke. It's what we call projection. Because from what we have seen, if there is anyone at risk of dying alone, unfortunately, it's men. The truth is that women are way better at staying connected with a social group, with friends, way better than men are. Women text each other and have phone conversations constantly. They go on girls trips. They form social groups and clubs, church groups, mom groups, book clubs, you name it, women do it. Way more so than men. And yes, many of them do in fact have cats, God forbid, but you know what else they have? Human beings in their life. They have a very real support community. Meanwhile, the average dude, he hasn't seen his best friend in years. But sure, keep laughing at the cat lady, but she probably has dinner plans for tonight.

And you don't.

This isn't so much about women being better at socializing, but it's more about how men let community and socializing slip through their fingers. As men, we tend to do better at making friends when we're younger. We do so through school, sports, clubs, and sometimes even the military, for example. But then we get married and we get busy with life. And we have kids. And suddenly, what is very, very common in our world is that men filter their social life through their wives. They hang out with their wives' friends and their wives' friends' husbands. And then one day, unfortunately, divorce happens, or worse, a spouse dies, and you are left alone. Most of us don't have a poker night. Or bowling league or whatever it may be. We don't go and purposefully hang out with buddies. Instead of activity and community and friendship and camaraderie, there's just silence. And men typically don't have many people to talk to about this kind of stuff. And so we just keep grinding away at life alone. We've been sold on the fantasy of the lone wolf. The alpha male lone wolf living alone in solitude. He's powerful. He's noble. But you know what happens to the lone wolf in the wild? He dies cold and alone. Men are praised for being stoic and self-reliant. And then divorce, death, whatever happens, and you are alone. Who do you turn to? Who has your back when you can't pretend to be tough anymore? If the answer is nobody, that's not strength. That's a ticking time bomb. Here's another thing that guys do. We move all the time. We leave our hometown, we leave our friends, we'll leave our social group, all in an effort to get a new job across country or across the state or whatever it may be. And we're hoping that that new opportunity makes us feel fulfilled. And often It does not. And then you're left without your community, without your support network. You're 1,000+ miles away from anybody who gives a damn about you. And then divorce, death, or whatever it may be, and you're a guy alone in a strange city drinking by yourself on a Tuesday night. When you're young, you're better at distracting yourself. You can distract yourself with work, you know, chasing success, maybe hobbies if you're so lucky. But then time marches on and your parents pass away and the kids move out of the house. Your career slows down and your health starts to decline. And suddenly the silence that you've been ignoring all these years gets really, really loud. You're not just lonely, but you're stuck in life. And then it hits you. You have no people. You have no support system. You have no tribe. You have no circle of men to push back, to challenge you, to sharpen you, as they say. You have nobody who gives a damn if you wake up tomorrow.

So what do you do?

Well, here's the cold hard truth. As you get older, there's nobody coming to your rescue and creating the social network for you. You have to be proactive and do it yourself. You have to be the one to raise your hand and say, Little help here. You set up the weekly lunch. You set up the poker night. You reach out to that friend that you haven't talked to in the last year and a half. If you sit back and cross your arms and say, let's just see what everybody else does, let's see who really cares, don't hold your breath. Every other man is saying the exact same thing. You are not less of a man for craving that very human connection. In fact, you're more of a man for admitting that you need it. And you're more of a man for going out and seeking it purposefully. Forget that whole "I don't need anyone" narrative. That's your pride talking. That's your fear talking. You do in fact need people, and believe it or not, there are people that need you. If you're watching this and you're nodding your head even just a little bit, it's time to take action today, right now. It's time to do something. Don't just sit back and let life wash over you. Be proactive for once in your life. Take control. Start building your tribe right now. A good place to start, if I may suggest, check out the Brotherhood at help4men.com or jump right to the join page at help4men.com/join. Join hundreds of men from around the world who are getting together with the sole purpose of helping each other out. Building community. You don't have to fix this overnight, but you do have to start. So take that first step and join us. I do look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting.