After breakups or divorce, your brain gets stuck replaying the same painful thoughts. A 2008 study found ruminators recover slower than people who take action. Four tactics work: say the thought out loud, interrupt it with cold water or exercise, shift from storytelling to problem-solving, and find accountability with other men.
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Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person. Real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting. All right, guys, before we dive into today's episode, I want to talk to you about something important. Something that could completely change your life. If you're a man out there struggling in your marriage, if you're stuck in a dead bedroom, if you're divorced and feeling lost, or if you're just tired of figuring all this out alone, then listen up. I created the HFM Brotherhood for men just like you. This isn't just some Facebook group or random chat room. This is a private, tight-knit community of men who get it. We have private discussion forums, live Zoom meetings every week, hundreds of hours of exclusive content, and even in-person meetups and conferences. It's real, it's powerful, and it's exactly what so many guys have been missing in their lives. Look, too many men suffer in silence thinking they have to tough it out alone, but you don't. The brotherhood is here for you. And the guys in there will have your back. If you're ready to level up, to stop waiting for things to change and to actually make them change, then come join us. Go to help4men.com and be part of the HFM brotherhood today. You ever find yourself replaying the same stupid conversation in your head over and over and over again? It's like you're watching a movie that you don't even like. But you can't stop watching. She said something, or she did something, or she didn't do something that she— you thought she was supposed to do. And now your brain is like a broken record, stuck on it on a loop, thinking about it again and again. That, my friend, is what we call rumination. And if you're a guy that's been through a breakup or betrayal, or just one too many instances of that cold stare across the dinner table, you know what I'm talking about. Rumination is what psychologists call the act of thinking about something over and over and over again, usually negative, and not getting anywhere closer to a solution. According to a 2008 study published in Cognitive Therapy and Research, rumination is closely linked to both depression and anxiety, especially when those thoughts are around the why something happened and what that says about you. And you know what? There's actually a biological basis around all of this. There's reasoning behind all this ruminating. The brain's default mode network, or DMN, is the part that lights up when you are not in fact focused on things outside of you. It's responsible for all that mental chatter that you're experiencing. And that DMN is ruminating. Way more active in people that are in the act of ruminating, especially those people that suffer from anxiety and depression. So when you are lying in bed at night and you can't stop thinking about that string of text messages that you got from her back in 2017, that's your DMN firing away. So why is this rumination so common in people that endured, like, betrayal or being cheated on or after a breakup? Because your brain is trying to solve a problem that does not have a clear solution. Why did she cheat? Was it my fault? Why did she say that thing about me? And why did I not see this coming? You're trying to reverse engineer the pain that you're experiencing. But pain doesn't always come with logic attached to it. And so you're caught in this vicious loop over and over again. Now here's where things get a little dark. Rumination doesn't actually fix the problem. It actually makes it worse. According to Harvard psychologist Susan Nolen-Hoeksema— I hope I said that right— she spent decades researching this stuff about rumination, and she says that ruminators recover slower from emotional trauma than those who actually— this is key— take action. Or actually distract themselves from the scenario that is giving them so much anxiety. So when you are reliving those acutely painful moments, like she told you that her ex-lover was better in bed, or you caught her, you know, texting some other guy, or whatever it may be, you are not solving anything by reliving those moments again and again in your brain. You're just adding miles to the treadmill that is not going anywhere. So what do you do instead? How can you eliminate this ruminating? Here are a few things that actually work. Whatever is bothering you, whatever you're ruminating about, say it out loud. Literally say it out loud. I'm ruminating on the fact that she cheated on me 7 years ago. Boom! You have taken it from the unconscious and moved it over to the conscious. Now it is front and center, on stage, so to speak. That actually weakens its grip on you. Number 2, interrupt the pattern. Use your body in some way. Shock the system, if you will. You can do this by taking a cold shower. That'll wake you up. Hitting the gym, going for a long strenuous hike, or taking out a journal and just writing like crazy. Don't think of this as running away from the problem, but it's allowing your brain to kind of cool down from the situation. Number 3, problem solving versus storytelling. Look at the problem. Now that you've identified it, now you've put it up on stage and you're looking at it, ask yourself honestly, is there a solution to this? If yes, then take appropriate action. If not, you need to take steps towards letting it go. That story has already ended. You don't need to keep adding chapters to it. Number 4, talk to other men. And that doesn't mean venting for a couple hours to guys who just don't get it. No, that means surrounding yourself with guys who've been there and done that.. And those guys will call you out when you start obsessing again. When you start talking about things that are completely out of your control. They'll call you out on not taking action or not dropping the situation. And by the way, if you want such a group, may I suggest the Brotherhood at help4men.com or jump right to the join page at help4men.com/join. We would love to have you. Rumination feels like work. It feels like you're trying to solve the puzzle of your past. But you're not. You're just burning mental calories with nothing to show for it. The sooner you learn to recognize it, identify it, and redirect, the better off you'll be. And the faster you will start building a future instead of continuously reliving the painful past. Thanks so much for watching, guys. And if you like stuff like this, may I suggest check out my other videos. And while you're at it, Give me a subscribe, give me a follow, give me a like, comment down below. Do you struggle with rumination? Have you been successful at identifying and redirecting your energy? Tell us what worked for you. And again, if you need some more help, helpformen.com, or jump right to the join page at helpformen.com/join and the Help For Men Brotherhood. We have hundreds of men from around the world standing by to help you out with your rumination, whatever it may be. All right guys, thank you so much for watching. I do appreciate it. Brothers, it's time. Mark your calendars for March 27th and 28th of 2026 because BroFest is back and it's bigger than ever. This year we're headed to Louisville, Kentucky for two unforgettable days of workshops, presentations, and real connection with men who get it. We are honored to welcome back Dr. Robert Glover, author of No More Mr. Nice Guy, and joining us for the first time, Adam Nissensohn, the Betrayal Shrink, helping men heal from infidelity and sex addiction. Plus Lauren, the Dadvocate, the powerful voice behind fathers' rights and relationship advocacy. She will be there live and in person. Join us for the learning, the laughs, the late-night talks, and the brotherhood. Lunch and beverage service are covered for both days, and you'll have time to hang out with me, the Help for Men team, and our special guests. Spots are limited, and we are opening this BroFest up to non-members this year, so you get to come and see what the Help for Men Brotherhood is all about. But hurry up because prices are going up on July 1st, so reserve your seat now and be part of something real. The Brotherhood is waiting.
