Ralph Brewer explains how menopause reshapes women's emotional regulation and sexual desire, often triggering divorce. Seventy percent of post-menopausal women report reduced libido, and over one-third of divorces after 50 are initiated by women. Men can respond by educating themselves about hormonal changes and rebuilding emotional intimacy rather than demanding sex.
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Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person. Real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting. Let's talk about something that a lot of men don't even realize is happening to them or to their relationship. Until it is too late, until their marriage is on life support. And that thing is menopause. Menopause. It just kind of sneaks up on you, doesn't it? One day your wife is your lover, your best friend, your confidante, your partner in crime. And the next minute, you don't even know who this person is anymore. She's moody. She's distant. She's not sleeping. And what about sex? Physical intimacy? Forget it. You being the typical anxious guy think that you did something wrong. You're racking your brain trying to find a solution, some little nugget of wisdom that will help turn things around. But what is actually happening is a natural, normal biological shift in your wife. And if you don't know how to handle this properly, It can in fact destroy your relationship. Menopause isn't just hot flashes and irregular periods. You may have heard about that, but it's a whole cascading series of events that is happening in your wife's body. Basically, Mother Nature is telling your wife that her baby-making days are over. Certain hormones, especially the old estrogen, are dialed down slowly but surely. In the process known as perimenopause. This process can take anywhere from 5 to 10 years depending on the woman. And estrogen, we know, plays a big role in emotional regulation as well as bonding. And when it gets dialed down, you can see how that can have a dramatic effect on a relationship. It changes how a woman feels about herself, her body, her marriage, and even her identity as a human being. According to Menopause, the journal of the North American Menopause Society, women post-menopause are much more likely to report marital dissatisfaction. Menopausal women are much more likely to report sexual dissatisfaction. 70% of women post-menopause report a lowering of sexual desire. And some women post-menopause report that sexual desire has left completely. For your average husband though, sitting back and witnessing all this, it comes across as anger, coldness, resentment, and a complete left turn from the woman that he fell in love with. And unless you understand completely the underlying biological storm that is taking place, you will take this personally. There is a reason that divorce rates seem to spike when people are in their 40s and 50s. This is no coincidence. Researchers have learned that there is a connection between gray divorce— this divorce in the later years— and menopause. Over one-third of all divorces occur in couples that are over the age of 50, and that rate has doubled over the past 30 years. And the vast majority of said divorces are initiated by— drum roll— the woman. Menopause often serves as the tipping point for the woman when she no longer has the hormones coursing through her body that prompt her to be more nurturing, more lovable, and to bond with her partner and her children. She is going to want to reevaluate her life. And if for whatever reason, valid or otherwise, they are unhappy in their marriage, they will in fact do something about it. And that something is often divorce. Psychologist Dr. Louann Brizendine, she's the author of The Female Brain. She writes that after menopause, women often feel, quote, freed from the hormonal drive to nurture and appease. In other words, those women stop tolerating the stuff that they used to tolerate. And if that relationship does not have a very strong emotional connection, they may very well walk away from it. The saddest part of all this is that men are often completely blindsided by the change. Sure, the marriage was, quote, "not perfect," as men often say, but what marriage is? All of those little or not so little things that the wife has, quote, "endured" over the years after menopause suddenly become life or death situations as far as the life of the relationship is concerned. Suddenly those little things aren't so little anymore. All compounded together, all those hundreds of little things over the years become a really big story that she can no longer ignore. She is not happy in the relationship and she has options to leave. And many exercise that option. Unfortunately, here is the hard truth. If your marriage was not strong at its foundation, at its core, pre-menopause, menopause ain't gonna help anything. But that does not mean that you, the man, are powerless in this situation. You need to prepare yourself, to educate yourself on these matters, get help, understand that her body and her brain are changing. And that does not necessarily mean that she hates you. It doesn't mean that it's all your fault. At the same time, focus on your growth as a human being. Yes, it's important that you stay attractive. The last thing a postmenopausal woman wants is to feel like she's dragging a needy and confused man behind her. She wants a man, a partner, who is strong enough to endure this right alongside her. If the intimacy in the relationship has faded, it behooves you to learn how to regenerate it from scratch. And no, that doesn't mean just demanding more sex. That may mean learning how to further connect emotionally, how to work through the discomfort. And yes, that may mean walking away and learning when something is truly dead. Menopause is not the cause of divorce. But it's a major stressor. If the marriage is already weak, then menopause just exposes the cracks. But if you are aware of what's coming and you stay strong, you stay calm, and you stay curious, and you learn about this process along with her, you can, believe it or not, come out the other side a better couple. So menopause, most men don't see it coming, but now you do. You've been warned.
