Ralph Brewer went from stuck and apathetic after divorce to energetic and purposeful by losing weight, reconnecting with friends, picking up guitar again, starting testosterone replacement therapy, and hitting the gym. He says there's no single moment that changes you, just consistent choices that build momentum. A few decisions away from whoever you want to be.
Chapters
Okay, if you're a frequent listener of the Dad Starting Over podcast and you find yourself saying, "Yeah, that sounds like me," well, you don't need another podcast episode. What you need is support. The Help for Men Brotherhood is where men go when they're done pretending that they got it all handled. You know, your dead bedrooms, your divorce, your loneliness, your rebuilding life. We have private forums, frequent live Zoom meetings, one-on-one coaching, courses, all my books at no additional charge. And yes, we get together in person. Real men and real conversations. So stop doing this alone and join the Help for Men Brotherhood today at help4men.com/join. I look forward to seeing you in the next member meeting. Many guys that email me or post on our discussion groups will begin their tales of woe with the most bluntly negative and self-limiting thoughts and stories. They tell me that they are broke, that they are old, they're fat, they're lazy, they're clueless about women, they can't get sex, etc., etc. Some of them seem to be going out of their way to convince me by saying, "Look, dude, I know you're all about how my life can be great and all that, but you don't get it. I'm different. I'm really pitiful." It's all bullshit, of course. These guys are literally one or two decisions away from flipping the switch and becoming whoever the hell they want to be. I remember the old me. He was not a pretty picture. He was out of shape, Slope-shouldered, flabby arms, pudgy stomach. A very agreeable dude. Underachiever. Ho-hum to the core. Yeah, okay, that's fine. That was me. I had that attitude about my marriage, my jobs, my hobbies. Eh, whatever. Ironically, that wasn't really my natural state. I wasn't always like that. But somewhere along the line, I let my married life with 3 kids turn me into that. I sat back and I let the world of laziness and apathy wash over me. Gone were my passions. Gone was my mission. When my wife left, I was absolutely crushed. Lowest I've ever been by far. But then, something clicked. I would love to tell you what that one trigger was, but it wasn't one thing. I think it was a combination of things. First, anxiety-driven weight loss made me look better right away. And it sounds silly, but it was a huge motivator for me. And then I connected with friends again during my non-kid time, and that made me feel a lot better. I restarted my guitar hobby, which gave me some of my spark back because I'm a naturally creative person and I need that outlet. I started with testosterone replacement therapy, and that gave me a huge bump in energy and focus. That was a very important missing piece of my biological puzzle. And I went to the gym more. And I started looking better and better. And I started feeling a million times better. I changed my work situation so that I could work from home. So that meant more time to focus on the kids and me. I started dating women, and I had lots of fun because women were genuinely interested in me. And I hadn't seen that in a long time. And then I met my now wife. And we dated for almost 4 years before marrying. And she's a keeper for sure. And then I started Dad Starting Over. Having a mission and helping out other men makes me feel even better about myself. So there was no real single major aha moment. There was no magic formula. It was me basically taking advantage of my downtime, keeping busy and doing things. All of the things I chose to do were things I wanted and things that made me feel better about myself. I did those over and over again. I'm really out of shape and I haven't been to the gym like ever. Well, then start today. It's a gym. It's no big deal, really. Your future you will thank you. I got my testosterone tested and the doctor said it was low, but he said it's too dangerous to start injecting testosterone. He suggested I go on antidepressants instead. Well, then find a new doctor. Check out some testosterone clinics in your area. Read reviews online. Do your own research. Take ownership of your body. It's not a huge deal. I don't really have friends I can connect with. Well, then check out old friends on Facebook, maybe from your past, from your high school days. Go way back. Or maybe now try meetup.com. Randomly talk to guys at the gym, at the bar, at restaurants, at your kids' baseball games, whatever. Because you're a big boy, go make new friends. I don't really do well with girls. I never have, you might say. Well then, don't be scared of them. Get out there. It's okay to get turned down and get laughed at, get a drink thrown in your face. Go out and do it again and again and again. Get to the point where you welcome the failure. Getting a quick no is better than a long drawn-out maybe that turns into a no. Ask any salesman, he'll tell you the same thing. Well then, guess what happens? Eventually you will get, quote, lucky, and then you realize it's reward for long and continuous hard work, and then it becomes somewhat easy, and then you become picky about who and what you let into your awesome life. And then you get a call from a friend who says, hey, a buddy of mine is going through a bad divorce. His wife cheated on him. He's losing everything. He's almost suicidal. I told him about you. Would you mind talking to him? He really needs something to hear from somebody like you. And then you realize, oh, holy shit, I'm that guy now. How did you do it? Your new sad buddy says to you over a beer. Well, it's pretty easy actually. I just kind of decided to get better. Of course it's not that simple, but then again, it is.
