Episode 239: Learning To Compromise

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Call 1-800-BETS-OFF. You don't need to whine, it's Whiny Palooza. Have some wine and join us on the Whiny Palooza Podcast with Rebecca Greene. Welcome to the Whiny Palooza Podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Greene. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family. Hello everyone, happy whiny palooza Thursday!

Fake out!

Okay, no need to whine, it's Winey Blues Thursday. Have some wine and join us on Winey Blues Thursday with the Greene family. Thanks, lovey. Okay, let's see if I can get up.

Appreciate your gorgeous vocals and her improvisation because it's Thursday.

Tanner, can you please back up? I love you, but back up. Go see Ella. Jinx. Hello everyone, how are you doing today? We are a day late, we apologize. We had a little marital tiff last night that we will talk about.

I'm sorry about that.

I'm sorry about that. We're both sorry. You know what, we've been together for 19 years and sometimes we're gonna have a little tiff. Yes, it's gonna happen. Yes, right, and we work it out. Yes, and my goal when Seth and I have a tiff— you can tell me what your goal is, but my goal, what I was focused on last night, which he didn't realize, was I was focused on staying calm. So whether I'm fighting with the kids, and I don't always succeed, don't think that I'm perfect over here. When I get in the fight, a fight with the kids, or I get in a fight with Seth, I'm always working to be as calm and keep myself in check as I can.

And I appreciate the efforts you made last night that I was not aware of to keep yourself calm.

I mean, I certainly tried.

You did.

So the topic this week is learning to compromise, and the inspiration behind it is that tomorrow we have a pool being delivered—

pool parts.

Pool parts. Pool parts. Um, we got a phone call from the installer. It cannot be installed next week because it's gonna rain all week. Thank you, weather. Thank you, rain. So it'll be installed when it's installed.

We'll have some pallets of parts to look at, honey. You can dive in the pallets.

So let's talk about our pool compromise.

Yes.

So I, I would say years ago I asked for a pool.

Yeah.

And, um, Seth was like, too much money, too much money, too much money. And we got a hot tub. As a lot of you know who know us, we got a hot tub and that was a wonderful compromise because, um, we really love it and it's not as much money as a pool.

No. And we can use it all year round. There's no closing it up.

So the reason why I wanted to get this hot tub was because even if we talked about getting a pool down the line, even if we got a pool down the line, I knew I didn't want a pool attached I didn't want a hot tub attached to my pool because I wanted to be able to use my hot tub all year round.

Yes, we go in it in the winter.

So we use our hot tub a lot. We love it. It was a great present.

And somehow that was not enough and we had to compromise again.

Well, okay. So, so I priced in-ground pools. If you have priced in-ground pools recently, now my friend put an in-ground pool in 3 years ago. And it was half the price of the quote that I was given.

And it might not necessarily have been the same size pool, the same material pool. I don't know if it's apples to apples.

Um, pretty close. Oh, pretty, pretty close. So COVID happened and everybody was home and pools skyrocketed because everybody was home and wanted a pool and wanted to swim at home. So they sold a ton of pools. Everyone's backlogged. The pool companies weren't calling me back. When they were calling me back, they're like, maybe we could put it in in October. So this year, October. And the price had severely gone up.

Yes.

So Seth was like— so I was like, so I was like, let's do it.

And none of that fazed her.

So the price— so here's the deal. The price was astronomical. Astronomical.

Yes.

The prices have skyrocketed, but I was like, we'll get a payment plan, we'll pay it off in forever, forever. And I was like, let's do it. And by the way, I want a waterfall.

She wants a rock wall with a waterfall going into the pool. She doesn't just want a hole in the ground with some water, right? That's not good enough for my baby.

I wanted to make a resort in my backyard.

Yes, at resort prices.

So Seth said no, which is one of our conflicts, is that he just comes at me with no.

Yeah, Rebecca doesn't like to hear the word.

Well, it's just how Here's what I learned. Here is the thing, okay? We're in a marriage, we're adults, we're equal partners, and before you come at me, I'm making a really good paycheck.

Okay, for the record, I didn't come at you.

No, no, no, you came at me with the request.

I responded.

Before the viewers come at me— oh yes, about money. Yes, you're, you're making a good paycheck and I'm making a good paycheck, okay? Yes, it doesn't mean that we want to spend, blow money on an in-ground pool.

Just because we can doesn't mean we should.

Financial conservative, responsible financial planner. Not always easy to be married to.

Oh, you poor, poor woman. I don't know how you put up with these conditions.

My, my, my poor life of my husband keeping our finances in order, right?

Yes, it's a hard knock life you got there, Annie.

Okay, so I said let's do it, let's get a payment plan, let's get an in-ground pool. Seth said no. I don't like when Seth just says no because we're equal partners, and to me that's not learning to compromise. That's not discussing. That's not discussing, that's not compromising, that's no. Which you're allowed to say no, it's just how you communicate.

Yes, from the woman who said, I don't want to play any games in this relationship, I will play your game of humoring this.

So my friend Claire, who may or may not see this— hi Claire, hi Claire, we love Claire— I talked to Claire today and she helped me with some pool questions again. Again.

So I'm expecting a monthly check, uh, for the payments for the pool.

No, no, no. We owe Claire a gift because do you know how many times I've bugged her about this pool?

I'm just saying if Claire hadn't given you this idea, we might have gotten nothing. I would have gotten away cheaper.

So, so Claire posted her kayak pool. Yes. And I messaged her right away and I was like, Claire, I have never seen this type of pool. What kind of pool do you have? And she was like, it's a kayak pool. We just put it in. It's beautiful. We love it. So I start— so I priced the in-ground pools and Seth was like, are you kidding me? And I was like, yes.

Well, you weren't kidding. That's the problem.

I wasn't kidding at all. And then I priced the kayak pool, which is also a fortune, by the way.

Um, it's much less.

Okay. So you have, it's like half. You have no pool. You have an above-ground pool. Yeah, you have a kayak pool. Yeah, and you have an in-ground pool. Yeah, so, um, it's a lot more expensive than your average above-ground pool, but it's not as much as an in-ground pool. So we met in the middle, we figured it out. And I think what I realized when I was writing this blog um, because I did write about it, and I do write about it almost every week, and it's at whinyplousa.com if you want to read it.

Yeah.

Um, okay, so tell me what I just said.

I said whinyplousa.com.

No, before that, the compromise. Oh, so when I was writing the blog, what I realized is that what, what we learn in trying to compromise is to be creative. Okay, so if, if you say no or I say no, yeah, well, like, you're persistent. I think you're persistent.

You don't think you're persistent? I think I learned dog for like 15 years.

I think I've learned a lot more from you than you think.

Ah, crap, I screwed myself then.

So, um, I learned when I was writing this that in your marriage you want to be creative, with your kids you want to be creative, and part of problem solving is, is thinking outside of the box and trying to come up with a solution that we're both happy with. And one of the ways that I do that— Seth knows this— is I talk to people.

Yes.

And I talk to people, lots of people, and I ask lots of questions. All the questions.

And I wonder where Max gets his amazing ability and desire for research from.

He researches it online and I research through people.

Yes, you, you crowdsource through people.

So I talk to a lot of moms and I ask a lot of questions and they help me come to solutions. And the goal in marriage, in life— I don't want to— I want you to listen to me carefully, Mr. Greene. The goal is not for me to win and you to lose, because that does not make either of us happy. Because if I win and Seth loses, then we all lose because your spouse is sad or your spouse is upset. That's not what we want. The goal is somehow you win and I win together. You're looking at me like I'm crazy.

I, I think in your fantasy world I just always say yes and always want exactly what you want. No, if I was just happy about whatever— yes, I want 3 dogs. Yes, I want to paint the house. Yes, I want to do that. If I was excited about each one of those things, I think you'd be on cloud nine if there was never any conflict and I gave you a blank check for everything and loved every idea.

If— okay, if Seth— if Seth never said no, we would have more kids, more pets, a bigger house, an inground pool. Lily said a little sister. Lily's been asking me for a little sister for years.

No.

So anyway, let's discuss it.

Maybe it's a great idea. Let's figure it out together. And then you can say no.

Okay, so, so I wanted 4 kids and Seth wanted 2 kids. So what's a compromise, Seth? What's a compromise? Come on, spit it out.

You think a compromise is 3 kids?

If I want 4 and you want 2, I think 3 is the perfect compromise. I didn't push for 4. Did I push for 4?

There's extenuating circumstances there.

Okay, all right. I disagree. Okay, I disagree.

You didn't have— okay, I don't know how personal you want to get on this, so no, you can, you can say what you want to say.

The 3 C-sections, right?

You didn't have a doctor telling you that maybe a 4th one is not the best idea.

So what she said, what she said when she put me back together. When the doctor put me back together, she said, so your muscles are destroyed and I'm doing my best to put them back together. Um, you, you could have a fourth. I don't recommend it, but you could have a fourth, is what she said, right?

Which is not a stellar endorsement of you should absolutely have more babies this way.

Okay, so I, I definitely did not want to be cut open a fourth time.

Thank you.

But I also didn't push for a fourth. That's one of the—

that's one of just me.

It's one of the reasons. Yes, one of the reasons.

Thank you.

I also— but I also compromised.

Okay, moving right along.

Okay, so let's talk about our conflict.

Yes.

So, um, miscommunication tends to be at the root of a lot of conflicts.

Yeah.

Poor communication, lack of communication, different expectations, misunderstandings. So I had a fence guy come and give me a quote on a vinyl fence.

Do you want to tell them why?

Well, there's a couple reasons. Yes, there's a few reasons. Yeah, I'll give them the 3 reasons. Yes. Okay, well, our neighbor put up a vinyl fence and it's beautiful.

Yeah, and now ours doesn't look as good anymore.

No, it never looked good.

It never looked good. You were complaining about it.

Yes, I was. Yes, I was.

Your volume and level of complaints drastically went up when there was this beautiful 6-foot-high white vinyl fence right next to you for you to look at every day and go, I don't have that. The Joneses have it.

Oh, I do have it. It's half of my yard. I do have it. So, so they put up their vinyl fence. It's gorgeous. So I said to Seth, let's price matching them.

Of course.

And let's just match. Let's see what, how much it would be to match them.

Yeah.

And the guy came out and he gave me a quote. And, and you'll see a pattern here. I was like, oh, we can, we can finance it and pay it off, and let's get a vinyl fence, it's beautiful. I texted my friend, I love her fence, she lives around the block, she, she used the same company that I had come out. And Seth is like, ah, it's not as bad as I thought it would be, but not right now. And I was like, not right now. So number one, I wanted to match my neighbors. Number two, the owner before us has mismatching fences, which is very odd to me. So in the least, we'll talk about something that we came up with to compromise. Okay, so we have mismatched fences and we're getting a pool, and I thought that a vinyl fence would give us more privacy. So there were 3 reasons.

Yes, and I had different expectations. Are we talking about that?

You did not communicate to me that you were just getting a price.

Okay, that's not what I was talking about.

Okay, go ahead.

I was talking about the fact that the pool isn't even here yet, and I had just signed for that, and we had just come back from our Orlando vacation, and I thought those 2 things combined would leave me walking on water for years. Like maybe pay this stuff off before you ever ask for anything else. That's what I was thinking. So I got triggered when she was like, let's get a fence too. And I'm like, are you kidding me right now? The pool isn't even here yet. I haven't had one day of enjoyment of a pool and you're asking for the next thing. So that's why I got more upset than I should, that's why I overreacted. And I apologize.

Overreacted. So I thought we were getting an estimate to actually discuss it.

No, I was window shopping. I was getting a price for someday. I did.

That magical time. Didn't know, didn't know.

That's debatable, I might have said it once.

You definitely didn't. They're in the garage.

Okay, so go get them.

Okay, when I'm done, I will be done in a few minutes and I'll get them. Okay, motherhood, people. Motherhood live in the greenhouse.

Yes, you'll be all right without the ice cream for 10 minutes. Should I have discussed it calmly with her? Should I say, how do you feel about the ice cream? Can we mutually come to this question, the conclusion that you need to wait 10 minutes? Or can I just say you can freaking wait?

So we had a difference of opinion because I thought we were getting a fence estimate to discuss it, and Seth was window shopping to see how much it costs for in his head for the future, in the budget for someday. Okay, so then when we cooled down and started to communicate, we started to talk about my issues with the fence, which aren't a need, it's a want.

Yes.

There's a difference between a want and a need, and I'm well— I'm well aware of the fact that we need food, clothing, and shelter.

Heat, air conditioning, you think is a need.

A car. Okay, so we have a mismatched fence. Um, the owners had wood and then chain link. Chain link.

It does look stupid.

Yeah.

However, we've had it for 10 years. Nobody has, you know, died because of it. No, it is not necessary. It is for the sustained life.

Aesthetically, yes, it lacks a lot.

Oh, completely. I agree with you 100%. It just did not feel like an urgent need to me. No, because every time we've done something in the house, it was never, we need to do that. Oh no, no, we can't paint, we have to do the fence first. We can't get a furnace, we have to get a fence first.

Okay, so I'll shut up. So when we were talking and we were talking about my issues, we realized that we could price— yes, just matching the fence. Yes, so that we don't—

the wood, put in chain links so it's all uniform and it doesn't look so as terrible, and you'll deal for a little bit.

So it's not an urgent need. So, so what we learned, yes, is that we need to be clear in our, in our expectations. Yes. We need to communicate clearly.

Yes.

Because we were on totally different pages.

Yes.

And, um, not escalating helps, and, and creative problem solving and compromising helps. Yes. So it tends— this is what tends to happen in our marriage. It's a pattern. Yeah, so I'm over here spending money, Seth is over here spending money, so we get creative with coming in the middle to find something that's not as expensive as what I'm looking at.

In general, you said I'm over here spending money. You mean I'm over here not spending money?

Not spending money, right, right.

I want to be thrown under the bus correctly.

Well, no, I'm not throwing—

because it's true.

I'm not throwing you under the bus.

All my stuff I am not over here spending money. I am over here not spending, and you're spending, and we need to— you need to spend less, and I need to loosen up. I freely admit that. You are right.

Um, I would say that you have loosened up and I have tightened up. We just don't give each other credit.

True, true. We have made a lot of progress. Not all the way there yet, but we're getting closer every day. We just didn't do so good yesterday, so we're still learning to compromise. Yes.

And I don't know, I mean, do we usually succeed or do we usually have this? You're to the left, I'm to the right, and we find something in the middle. I think we're supposed to.

What else would we do?

Well, I mean, okay, so you get your way, I get my way. Do we usually come meet in the middle somewhere?

Yes.

So we figure it out together. Creatively.

Yes, yes, yes.

So what do you think will be next?

So it tends to be whatever you come up with to spend money on is— we'll have to have this conversation again. I'm not the one going, we really need to do X, Y, and Z about the house or about whatever.

So I said to Seth last night, you're unaware of the fact that I have a list for our house.

No, I know that you have a list. I just didn't think anything was going to be on it for a long time because we just spent spent a bunch of money on the pool, and that's my ignorance.

I didn't know that.

I, I, I thought I was good.

You thought the pool gave you years off of home improvement?

Well, I got 4 years of payments, so yeah.

Do you have any idea the list of home improvements?

Well, a lot of them are gonna have to wait some point till a better time, in my opinion, which is not the only opinion.

So I think that what we were semi-laughing about today is that I'm gonna hear about college for the next 11 years.

As long as we have kids going, we're gonna get a bill.

It— so this is what— this is what's gonna be new. Um, honey, I want to have the house painted. Oh my God, you should see the back of my house. I think I'm going to do it myself, people. I think I'm going to do it myself this summer with you.

I painted the front with you.

I— well, I want to paint the front again. It needs a sec— it needs a second coat. It—

you want a second coat. Okay, these are all wants.

So I want the house painted.

You need a furnace so you don't freeze to death in Boston. You do not need paint.

Okay, so, so see, that's another— that's another compromise.

Instead of paying someone to paint the house, okay, there was no compromise on the furnace. I was like, I need my family to not freeze.

No, no, I appreciate it.

You mean paint? Yes. Us doing it would be a compromise.

Listen, you got new air conditioners too. You got a new furnace, hot water tank. You got a new hot water tank. It's been busy. Um, new roof.

Oh yeah, I forgot about the roof. Um, not cheap.

I mean, home improvements are endless. They're endless as long as you keep improving. Well, so I do have a list. I don't expect them— so I was gonna say, now when I say I want to have the house painted, you're Seth's gonna come back with, I gotta pay for college. I gotta—

we gotta—

we gotta pay for college. That's what I'm gonna hear for the next 11 years.

Your fault for having super smart kids, right?

So college will be another many, many topic. College will be another topic. Seth and I were raised very differently.

Yes.

Um, we both have wonderful parents. Yes, we both have very different thoughts on college. Yes, um, Seth wants our kids to go anywhere their heart desires, it doesn't even matter what it costs, and I do not agree.

I also want to be able to pay for that. I do not want them to graduate with $300,000.

Oh my God, you want them to go to any college no matter how much money?

But that's as long as I can pay for it.

That's a whole nother topic.

That's many topics.

We will do college another day for the next 11 years. So we have 2 years. Yes, we have 2 years till our son goes to college. We have 4 years till our daughter goes to college, and Lily will end the pack. And maybe Lily will be the only one to stay in town and go to college here, but we will, we will discuss this with our kids one by one. Um, Max and Ella have dreams of where they want to go, and Seth wants to pay for it all. So let's—

I have to be able to pull that off. It's not a guarantee. I'm doing my— I'm working on it.

So I will toned down asking for home improvement.

Thank you, just a little bit.

I, I just thought maybe we would put in a fence and then maybe—

just maybe, it's no big deal.

You know what, it could be our project this summer. We can paint the house because I know you want to do that.

It was so much fun the last time. We were sore for days and days and days.

So I hope that you are compromising with your significant other.

Yeah.

I hope that you're getting creative.

Yes.

And asking for input from other people.

You are excellent at both of those things. You are excellent at being creative and you are excellent at asking for input. Well, um, you get all the credit for that.

You're excellent at— I'll tell you what I like, but we could skip a step. I like that you— can you move your head so it's blocking the ring light that I don't like?

I don't see the ring. Where is the ring?

I think I moved it.

Oh, there it is. Okay. Yep. I will move my hand right here.

So Seth reacts and is like, "No!" And then he thinks about it and he comes back and he's willing to talk about it and compromise. So maybe we could skip the reactivity. No.

Yeah.

And just jump to "let's discuss it." I will work on that.

And "let's discuss it" does not have to lead to "yes." Yes, if you could work on the "Mama's not happy if she doesn't get a yes," that would be awesome.

I think that's a terrible story that you've invented that isn't completely accurate.

I agree it's not completely accurate. Would you agree it has happened at least once in the last 20 years?

I think it has happened and I think it has traumatized you.

I've allowed it to traumatize me.

Yes. Now you've generalized. You've generalized it.

I haven't. I'm sorry.

And I don't think it's generalizable.

Okay, you would know better than me.

I do. I know myself better than you know myself, and I know what's in my head better than you know what's in my head.

That's for freaking sure.

I can't keep up with what's in my head.

I can't keep up with what I see come out of your head, let alone what's actually in there.

Oh my gosh. So, um, learning to compromise was our topic this week. Yeah, we weren't doing— we were laughing last night when we, you know, came to some resolve, resolution, had a productive conversation, some calmness, and we were like, oh, our topic this week is compromising, and we needed to get reactive before we compromised.

Do a good job of it right away.

So Ella So listen to my new podcast this Friday. Um, did not look up who the guest is, but I'm sure—

fabulous.

I'm sure it's someone great. Um, message me if you would like to join the Whiny, Poozy Mom Facebook group. It's a private group, and if you let me know, I'd be happy to send you an invitation. And what else do I need to tell them, Ella? I don't know. Thank you for listening and watching and commenting. And, um, I'm learning from other people— one more thing and you can sing— I'm learning from other people who do what I do that the likes, the comments, the shares, the reviews, that's all what gets it out to other people. So I appreciate it so much. Ella, thank you for watching Whiny Palooza Thursday with the Green family. You even remembered that it was Thursday because I forgot. Okay everyone, have a wonderful week. Sorry for the—

we'll see you back on next Wednesday.

We'll be back on Wednesday. I'm sorry we were a day late. Thank you for tuning in to the Whiny Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time. This show has been produced by Market Domination LLC. To discover how you can have your own show completely done for you and turn it into a real published book and become the authority in your marketplace, go to www.marketdominationllc.com/podcastoffer.

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