Episode 247: You Are Enough

No need to whine, it's whiny palooza. Have some wine and join us on the whiny palooza podcast with Rebecca Greene.

Welcome to the whiny palooza podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Greene. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family.

Hello everyone, happy Whiny Palooza Wednesday.

There's— what I was gonna say, there's no need to whine. It's Winey Palooza Wednesday.

So if you're having technical difficulties, it's all Facebook's fault. You're— the recommended advice from Rebecca Greene, Rebecca Greene tech support, shut it down, get out of it, go back in, shut down the app, and then start over. Do you see that I'm already burned?

Yes, that is because we have been spending some time outside.

Oh my God, who are you tonight?

I was tech support for Rebecca Greene. Anymore.

It is working now. Hello everyone. I hope you're having a nice Wednesday.

Yes.

A lot's happening in the greenhouse. I think I'm trying to remember last Wednesday. Was the pool done last Wednesday?

It was not.

So our pool is complete.

I'll have to take you outside next week.

So my vision was to do this on my deck tonight, but It's really cold and yesterday it was hot. So I'm frustrated with the weather, but it's going to be warm the whole weekend and we have a 3-day weekend. So my plan is to spend the whole weekend in the pool.

Okay. I did not know that. We do need to make one trip to Home Depot.

I know we need to actually be productive. So just one. So I'm going to— I'm going to—

and it's for the pool.

I'm just going to put this out there.

Okay, here we go.

I'm going to guess that you already know this. But I'm gonna put it out there anyway.

Okay.

My product— my amazing productivity level is about to plummet.

I hadn't thought about it in those, those terms.

So I need to make a deal with you right now.

Oh, okay.

So our summer— so hear me out. Our summer is so short.

Oh, for you, yeah.

And our weather is bipolar. Nice for only so long, and we'll be back to winter.

I love that you're fast-forwarding.

And I want to be less productive this summer.

Okay.

I, I will still— I will still work a little bit. I will still work a minimum amount.

Okay.

I worked a lot today. I've been working a lot this week. I work a lot, and I'm happy to work when the kids are in school. I'm not saying I won't work when the kids are off for the summer, but it's gonna drastically decrease. And, um, I will, I will attempt to keep up with the dishes and the laundry and the cleaning and the cooking.

Offer Jen app for the laundry and the cleaning.

I think it's very strange to have someone do your laundry. Feels invasive.

We have delightful to me, a different laundry fairy than you. So that you don't have to stress out and spend your time on it.

I'll think about it.

What if I just try it with my laundry and see how it comes?

No, I'll think about it.

Okay, I'll just do it with my laundry.

And how do I know what laundry products they're using?

Oh my God. Seriously? You're sweating the small details instead of being like, "Free!" No, because I'm very conscious of the chemicals in the— What if you could tell them what to use?

I wonder, I mean, I just wanna know what they're using if they're gonna do my laundry. I mean, weigh in on this. Would you let someone do your laundry Am I being—

it means you never have to touch it. It gets washed, dried, folded, and sorted for you.

Well, we have to put it away.

Oh no, I'm trying. I could eliminate 90% of your work. Hi, Emma. Okay, it's working.

So Emma, Seth is trying to get me to use someone to do our laundry, and I think it's weird. Um, I want you to weigh in. I want everyone who watches this to weigh in. Do you think it's weird to have someone do your laundry.

Someone other than me.

I vote that it's invasive, but maybe this summer you try it. I'll think about it.

I'll just do it with my laundry and see how it goes.

Oh my gosh.

If I burst into flames, then you know not to do it.

So, okay, so we got a pool. The pool is complete. The electrician came. The electrical work is complete. Now we need a landscaper. I did text the landscaper.

Has the landscaper ever gotten back to you in the last week? Week and a half.

He said he was gonna come out and see what the damage is. He didn't give me a date.

Okay, anybody else got a landscaper they can refer to us?

My parents show up. My parents.

What are we waiting for?

Okay, so next is the landscaping, and I'm hoping that the weather is going to cooperate next week so that next Wednesday is nice out so that we can actually do— go live from the pool and show you the pool. Yes, but today it's too cold. You could just do towels and bed sheets. That's true, Emma. I love that you're trying to help me, Seth. I think it's very admirable that you're trying to help me. I know that you might not agree. I'm not so upset about the laundry.

You were just complaining about the laundry.

What I say is that the laundry and the dishes are never ending. That's what I say.

Okay, well, what if the laundry could end because you didn't have to wash it, dry it, fold it? Anyway, moving right along.

Is she stuck? Okay, I'm sorry, I thought our cat was stuck. Okay, so topic of the week.

Yes.

Um, so the title this week is You Are Enough, and as I've gone on this Winey Palooza journey, I realized that that is the line that I most want women to learn. So as I talk to women and as I, um, have gone through 16 years of motherhood with women because, um, you know, I've had the pleasure of acquiring a lot of friendships among these 16 years of motherhood. And I think that mothers tend to not think that they're enough. I see it very commonly with many women, and I think if I could change one thing, like, if you could ask me, what is your, like, main mission? Like, I would say that this is my main mission. So, um, I watch the Unplanned podcast with Matt and Abby Howard, and they are, you know, they vlog and they YouTube, and they're this cute couple who had a baby. And Abby was talking about how her first baby almost got injured, you know, delivering the baby. And her husband is really tall and she's, you know, on the shorter side, and Her doctor was like, you know, based on your first experience, based on your husband, based on the size of your babies, I think you should have a C-section. And she was like in tears on her podcast that she wasn't feeling like it wasn't what she wanted, it wasn't what she envisioned, and she was feeling like she wasn't enough because she couldn't have her baby the way she wanted to. And she was in tears, and it brought me back to 16 years ago when that was me. And at that moment, I just wanted to transport myself next to her, and I wanted to tell her my story and my journey because it took me so long to get over the hurt. And 16 years ago, no one really talked to me about the possibility of a C-section. I don't know why it didn't even cross my mind. I thought I had these like wide hips and that my babies would just like slide out of me. I just thought I was like curvaceous and that they would just like come out.

You are curvaceous, didn't affect the baby.

But the way that you are outside is very different than the way you are inside. You don't know how you are inside based on your outside. And my inside is very narrow, and Max really struggled to get out. And after 3 hours of pushing and 25+ hours of labor and the forceps and the vacuum and what was the other thing? Forceps, vacuum, there was a third thing. I don't know. Okay, okay. Anyways, they did an emergency C-section and they put me out because it was an emergency and they ripped him out of me as fast as they could because he was in distress and I mourned my labor. Like, like I went through a mourning process because I had this vision of how it was supposed to go and it didn't go anything like I had envisioned. And like, I definitely wouldn't— I wouldn't diagnose myself as postpartum depression.

My amateur diagnosis would have been PPD.

Well, I, I, I would have to look up the symptoms of both. They call it baby blues. So there's baby blues and there's depression. Oh, I didn't know they were two different things.

I thought we had some.

Baby blues is a little milder than depression. Like, I was still getting out of bed.

Right.

I was still taking care of my child. I just cried a lot. And I was also super hormonal. It was my first baby. Um, once you have gone through that much labor and then had a C-section, you are a lot more sore and exhausted than if you just have a C-section. Yes, um, because the next two I just had the C-section and it was a completely different experience. But, um, I was exhausted, I was worn out, I was sad, I was hormonal, and I went through like 3 months of, of crying and being upset, right? Do you remember that? I do. And Seth was like, you have a healthy baby and you're okay, like what's the problem?

I didn't say what's the problem, I said, you know, let's focus on what we do have.

So I— that did not resonate with me for a while, right?

You were not in a place to hear that.

No. So there was a moment when I realized it, like, finally clicked years later. It was after all the C-sections. So I, you know, I had 3 C-sections. So at some point after that, it resonated with me that what really matters is that I'm healthy and that the babies are healthy. And I got 3 healthy babies from C-sections. So I'm thankful that I could have kids. I'm thankful that they're healthy. I'm thankful that the emergency with Max worked out.

But one of the scariest moments of my life.

At the time, I didn't see any of that. I didn't see anything. I just was so fixated on that it didn't go like I planned. So I like want to shout from the rooftops that, first of all, you don't know how long it's going to take you to get pregnant. People have this illusion that it's like this magical thing that happens right away. Maybe you'll get pregnant the first time you try. Maybe it'll take you a year. It took my friend a year to get pregnant. Maybe it'll take you years to get pregnant. So we have to be flexible on our journey and realize that, um, we might think something, but that doesn't mean that's how it's going to play out. Which brings me to labor. You might have a birthing plan. You might have like—

this could even be tight, right?

This is how it's gonna it's gonna be beautiful, it's gonna be magical, you know, I'm gonna fall in love with my baby the moment I see them. Like, you have this whole vision of how it's gonna go, and then it happens, and if it doesn't go how you planned, it's like, the goal is a healthy child.

And a healthy mom.

Mom, mom is okay and healthy, child is okay and healthy. That is the only goal. I understand having a plan, like, we all kind of have a vision of how we want it to go, and And surprisingly, some mothers want a C-section. I mean, no judgment here. I want everybody to have what they want if they can have it. But there are some mothers who said, "That's the only way I wanna have babies." Now, I wanted to avoid it at all costs, which is ironic. Yeah, that wasn't the case. So I just was so inspired by Abby talking about how sad she was that she was gonna probably have to have a C-section, and I was like, wow, 16 years later, that sounds so absurd to me. It's like I wanted to like scream, Abby, all that matters is that you and your baby are okay. But I was there, and maybe you were there, and maybe things didn't work out how you envisioned it, and maybe you were as hard on yourself as I was. I thought I was a failure. Like, I literally thought that I failed. I didn't push the baby out. It didn't go out how I planned. I failed. I was literally telling myself that I failed.

You told me that too. Did I? You did tell me that you thought you were a failure, and I tried to tell you that you were not.

So in all honesty, back then, did you see it how I'm describing it right now, that all that matters is that we were both healthy?

As someone who was stuck, who watched you get whisked away and left with the room that had all the stuff all over it and wondering if you were gonna be alive when you came back, yeah, all that mattered to me. I didn't, I honestly, no attachment to your birth plan whatsoever. At that moment when they pulled you away, all I cared about was that you were alive, you know, an hour or whatever later.

I mean, okay, I mean, if we look back at our lives, man, I wish I could talk to myself at that moment. Like, 16 years later, I wish I could have— I wish I could have comforted myself at the moment and told myself that I was enough and it was okay and that I did a good job and that look at my outcome. Like, I wish I could—

you worked your butt off.

I worked so hard and tried so hard and I got such a good reward. And I wasted 3 months.

Yes, you did.

I wasted 3 months. I was hiding. I didn't leave my house. I don't think I left the house for 3 months, did I?

It was also winter and you didn't want to take your new baby out in winter.

I was just a mess emotionally and physically.

Yep.

Uh, physically I didn't feel good for a while. Well, I mean, I had really done a number on myself.

Yes.

Um, when you're—

we were determined to get to your birth plan.

Well, when you push for 3 hours and there's blood everywhere and you're not getting anywhere, that's a sign. That's a sign.

Thankfully we had wonderful doctors who told you that. Who told me to shut up.

I was like, I was pushing and I was like, I will get him out. And they just stopped talking to me. They were like, we don't care what she wants anymore. This baby is in distress and needs to get out.

We're not letting your persistence kill our son or you.

Well, when you are delivering a baby, you are not thinking rationally. You are not thinking right. You are in the zone. You are in a zone and you are not thinking rationally.

Yep. You'd also been up for more than 24 hours straight, no sleep. Yeah, adrenaline rush.

And had had a checkup and The doctor told me that I was fine when I was actually in labor. I was having severe back pain, like severe, that was labor. So—

It was longer than we thought. It was probably more than 25 hours.

Who knows how long I was in labor, but it was a good outcome.

Yes.

And I wish I could go back and talk to myself. So I'm talking to myself now and I'm learning from it now. And moving forward, I am a lot gentler with myself. I went through this whole period of being, you know, like 40 years of being so hard on myself. And it's been— the 40s have been a new world for me. And, um, you know, maybe part of it is this Winey Palooza journey that I'm on. It has made me a different person. Like, I'm kinder and gentler to myself.

It's worth it all by itself, right?

Right. Well, may—

and maybe it's all these amazing—

yes. So I interview amazing women. Zara was an emergency C-section too, big baby, and she was back to back. Wow, we need to have a conversation. See, this we haven't talked about yet, Emma. We both had very similar experiences. And were you like shocked that you had to have an emergency C-section, because I was totally shocked. I was scarred. I hid and cried and was in pain and didn't come out of my house for like 3 months. So Emma and I need to have a conversation. So, you know, whether you're making plans for pregnancy, labor, whatever, I'm just guiding you and warning you that please be more flexible than I was. I was like, I will get pregnant right away.

I tried to listen.

Um, none of them went as planned. None of them. So Max, I thought, was going to take like one try, and that was like 6 months later, right?

Yeah.

Um, women, my uterus was tipped, and my wonderful chiropractor fixed my uterus.

Well, identified that it was tipped and then untipped it.

I said, "I'm trying to get pregnant." And he said, "Well, it's hard to get pregnant with a tipped uterus." And he untipped my uterus. So, thank you, Dr. Jafari. So, um, I thought I was gonna get pregnant right away with Max. That took like 6 months, I think. And then, with Ella, that happened before we were even planning. And then with Lily, it happened before we were even planning. So, none of them went how I planned. So we all need to just like go with the flow of life and be a little more flexible.

Yes, God had a different plan.

God has taught me flexibility in my life experiences. God has laughed at my plans and has said, I have different plans for you, wouldn't you say?

Yes.

So I, I was going through the things that women beat themselves up for. And, you know, we make mistakes every day. Maybe, maybe you got divorced and you're beating yourself up. I just would love for us to realize that we're enough no matter where we are in our life right this moment, no matter what weight you are right today, no matter how your parenting was today, no matter how your relationship with your husband is today. Like you're enough just how you are right at this moment. And I love Kelly Hutchison— Kelly Hutchison, if I could say her name right. Um, Harmony in the Home is her podcast, and I need to get back to listening to her because she really has wonderful messages. And one of the things she said in her podcast is that we're enough just because we exist. Just existing— we were created and we exist, and and therefore we are enough. And when she said that line, she like changed my life because I was like, it's not what I do, it's not how I perform, it's not how I care, it's not what I create, it's not anything that I'm doing, it's just who I am being, being at this moment right now.

For sure. Nobody's tombstone says, but she got all the dishes done.

I'm finding my worth in better ways.

That's awesome.

Yes, yes.

And Tony Robbins says our two biggest fears as humans are that we're not enough and that we won't be loved. So you're right on the money.

So, um, I've been hearing that— I don't really do this, maybe you do this— I've been hearing that we need to talk to ourselves in the mirror. Do you know this?

Yes.

Do you do this?

Yes.

Do you really?

Yes.

Do you want to share it all, what you say? You don't have to.

I tell myself positive, good things.

So we're supposed to do that. We're supposed to say, you know, I love you.

Yeah.

I forgive you. You're enough.

You're awesome.

You're awesome. Today's fabulous. I mean, like, the word intention is like my word of the moment because I keep hearing that our intention is what happens. So like, Ella and I were talking about sleep and she was like, "I just want to have a good night's sleep." And I said, "Well, there's intention behind that." So when you're going to sleep, you're telling yourself, "I'm gonna sleep really well tonight. I'm gonna sleep through the night. I'm not gonna wake up till 7 o'clock a.m." It's like when we're putting stuff out into the universe, we're making it happen. So being enough, talking to myself, and having good intentions. That is the latest.

Love it.

So do you have anything to add about being enough?

You are enough.

Do you believe that?

Depends on the day. I work on it every day.

That wasn't supposed to be your answer.

Yes, honey. 24/7, I'm always enough.

So you don't think that every day, all day, that you're enough? You're still working on that?

I think I'll work on it till the day I die.

Okay, so we won't stop working on it, right?

Well, hey, man, if you figure it out and you get to this blissful place of 24/7 no doubt, no insecurity, nothing, sign me up for whatever you're doing.

I don't think that it is no doubt, no insecurity. I think it's that I have trained myself to capture it quicker. So, okay, I'm going in a negative direction Stop. Go to, go to a better place.

That's the first step, right, is catching it faster every time and shifting.

So I don't think that it's that it doesn't exist. I think that I'm replacing and helping myself quicker and quicker every day.

That is awesome, and you are awesome.

Right, right, right. We'll just talk to each other in the mirror next to each other, and I'll say, you're awesome, and you'll say, you're awesome.

That sounds fantastic. So we're in the mirror at different times. We'll have to schedule that. We'll have to be a plan for that. You could type it up.

So I really wanted to film this video, this from our pool. Didn't happen. It's cold in Buffalo, New York.

Flexible with the plan.

I'm trying to be flexible, Seth. It's definitely one of those words that I have learned. I wasn't flexible at all. Do you remember?

Oh yes.

When Seth met me, um, and we moved in together, I expected our house to be perfect. I expected everything to be where it needed to be. I was pretty rigid.

Yes.

I think that I've shifted much.

Thank you for that.

I'm too tired for that.

See, the cure was the kids. That's all I had to do. Was get her pregnant a couple times and she would loosen up right up.

Who has time for rigidity? Not most— most mothers do not have time. There's some people. If they are rigid and they have 3 or more children, I want to have a conversation with them and find out how they have the energy for that.

Lots and lots of caffeine and then some other drugs that reduce the effects of the caffeine when they need to sleep.

Oh my gosh.

Would be my guess.

So, so please, please, please tell yourself that you're enough. That is the message of the week. I am hoping that Abby sees this and—

share it, tag them, let's get it to Matt and Abby.

Um, I'm hoping that Abby hears this, reads my blog. I don't know if I can tag her. Can I tag her in a video? We'll have to figure that out.

Post on her page with a link. Okay.

Well, let's hope that we make a difference with this one. Um, our friend said that she's going to share this with her friend who needs to hear it, so I'm hoping to get the word out. And I would love to see— I should have had a conversation when I was at the gynecologist. I would love for them to prepare women for the possible what-ifs.

Yes.

So maybe I will write them a letter with my experience.

That's a great idea.

And give them suggestions because I was just there and I didn't think to tell them.

Now you know.

Okay, well, this Friday is a podcast that if you are going to listen to any of my podcasts, this is the one to listen to. This—

listen to all of them.

This woman— oh my God, the woman that I interviewed today said she loves my podcast and is a fan.

That's so cool.

I interviewed an awesome lady today.

You're gonna like her.

No, Um, so Tamara Costello, amazing lady. The title of her podcast on Friday is The Root of Anxiety, Migraines, and Intestinal Issues. Um, you listened to this, right?

I did.

This, I think this, this might go down as one of my like absolute favorite podcasts. I think I'm gonna have to have her on again because I loved her so much, and you're gonna learn so much from her. I can't wait to listen to it. I learn more when I listen versus when I interview, so I try to listen to it and get more takeaways. So listen to Tamara. And what else? I'm trying to think what else. Ask me for an invite to the Whiny Plus a Mom group on Facebook. It's private, so you have to ask me for an invite. I would love to— for you to have us— have you join us. Listen to the podcast. I would love for you to rate it, rate it, review it, review, 5 stars please. Um, what I'm learning from the world of vlogging, podcasting, is that the more engagement you have, the more that they show it to more people.

Let's help other moms.

So we're trying to get it out to one mom at a time, with a lot of moms, to a lot of moms. So anything else before I end, honey?

That's it.

That's it. Well, thank you everyone. I think Ella is too tired to sing tonight. She had a very long day. So, um, thank you for watching and have a wonderful week.

Thank you for tuning in to the Whiny Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode.

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Thank you so much for listening.

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