Episode 252: Easing Your Children’s Test Anxiety

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No need to whine, it's Whiny Palooza. Have some wine and join us on the Whiny Palooza podcast with Rebecca Greene.

Welcome to the Whiny Palooza podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Greene. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family.

Hello everyone, happy Whiny Palooza Wednesday. No need to whine, it's Whiny Palooza Wednesday. Have some wine and join us on Winey Blues a Wednesday with the Greene family. Thanks, Lovey. Yep. How did your first test go today? Great. Great. Do you feel better about testing? I do. Did it give you a good jump start?

Yeah. Turn the other way if you're gonna cough. Don't cough on me.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cough on you.

That's all right.

So, winey palooza, it's winey palooza. We— oh, you can't see my shirt, but it says Chaos Coordinator.

It's gonna be backwards in the camera anyway.

It's okay, it says Chaos. It's the perfect shirt for me this month.

You should put that on your resume, Chaos Coordinator. I think instead of— we replace Domestic Goddess with Chaos.

Yeah, I think Chaos Coordinator is perfect.

Yes, great title.

And everywhere I went today, and I went to a lot of places, there's a lot of chaos. A lot of people took notice of my shirt.

Yes.

So that was fun.

Yes.

So my children finished full day regular class schedule. Yeah. And have now jumped into testing.

Exams.

So depending on where you live, your kids may be out for summer, right?

They may be all done already.

We are finished a week from today.

Yes.

So my son has taken 2 exams. My daughters have taken one. Um, I can feel the tension, I can feel the stress, I can feel sometimes anxiety. There was a lot of studying today in my house. Uh, my son studied most of the day. My daughters came home from school, they had a half day, and they studied. Lots of studying in the Greene household.

So study it up.

So how can we help our children with test anxiety? I started to think about Okay, what's going on in my life? It's probably going on in your life too. And I'm hearing a lot of stress and anxiety over testing. So let's talk about it and let's make their lives easier.

And your life easier.

And your life easier, because you don't want them to be stressed. I don't like tests. I, I don't know how Seth feels.

I do not have the relationship to test that you do.

I don't feel like it's an accurate measure of somebody's intelligence. And I, I did hear a mother say today, like, go show how smart you are.

Yeah.

And I think that it is not an accurate measure of how smart our children are. Can they go and get a good grade? Sure. Does the good grade on the test define them or define their intelligence? I say no. What is your two cents back there?

I agree that one test does not necessarily measure your intelligence. It measures your ability to take, know the material, and pass it that day, which you might forget 2 weeks from now.

Yeah.

However, I look at tests as it's a chance to prove yourself. It's a chance to show yourself a measurement of your own progress. So like, if I go to a martial arts test, which I have one every single month, there are people going, "Oh crap, we got testing this week," and I'm like, "Awesome, let's kick some butt. It'll be harder than everything we've done all month." and this is a chance to perfect and demonstrate our skills. So it's all on how you look at it.

Okay, so I don't want any of you to think that this is my own issue that I'm about to say, because I was honestly a good test taker. We both were. We both were. However, as a social worker, as a mom, as an observer of other students, I do not think that everybody is a good test taker. And I think— I personally think— and I'm going off on a different topic. But I'm gonna finish my sentence and say that your child could be really smart and could not be the best test taker. That could go hand in hand.

That's true, and it can also be a load of crap. I think the belief that I'm not— believe it. Anybody could become a good test taker. Anybody can become a bad test taker. It's what you believe about yourself that will define your actions, that will lead you to develop the skills to be a good test taker.

Well, and I think that we also have to remind them that they were given so many tests this year. I mean, my kids had a test, I felt like, every other day the whole year. So they have been given a lot of test reps. So like, I feel like we also need to remind them that they know how to take a test. Um, I don't necessarily know that they know how to study, which I said to my 10-year-old, so Uh, we don't want them to study the night before. We don't want them to be like—

that shouldn't be the only—

no, no, we don't want them to only study the night before for a test. We want them to have a plan. Like Ella said to me— Ella is 14— she's like, my— this is my plan: I'm going to study for each subject at least 10 minutes a night for a long chunk of time. And she's like, I have X number of subjects, and I'm going to study a chunk for each subject every single night. So she laid out a plan for herself and sounded just like her father.

Yep.

Okay, so Ellen knows how to study and she knew how to make a plan.

She knew how to make a plan. We didn't ask her, what does studying mean? What are you actually physically doing?

Right. So then Lily, our 10-year-old, said, um, I'm gonna start— I'm gonna go study. And I said, I said to— I said to Lily, like, how do you study? Do you know how to study? Like, what is your study plan? What What does studying look like for you? And she told me, and she had a plan, and she knows she's learning what works for her to study for her test. But we as parents can't just assume that our kids know how to study.

See, that was very interesting, and I learned that from when you wrote the blog about this. That was a surprise to me because I did— I would never have thought to ask them if they knew how to study. I would have mistakenly assumed that the schools teach them how to study and create a study plan.

But I think that's something that you have to know as a parent is that even if the teachers are teaching them how to study at school, we don't know that they're actually listening and taking it in.

True. And we don't know that the study plan presented, say, by the teacher is the one that is the right fit for the way our child learns and remembers, right?

Right. So do you know how to study? How— okay, what does that look like for you? And how can I support you? So like, if your kid does not know how to make a plan, maybe you could help them make a plan, or maybe you could suggest that they go in and ask their teacher to help them make a plan if you don't know how.

Yeah.

And maybe your kid wants you to quiz them. Seth was quizzing them.

Yeah, I have been doing social studies with Ella like almost every night, going and taking like half an hour and going through the whole packet and every single thing and making sure she knows it all.

So Lily and I were at cheerleading last night, and Seth was texting me a video of him, Max, and Ella studying.

Well, Ella was studying, and she was very animated and doing a dancing around while she studying, which is incorporating another physical thing to help you remember. And then Max was chiming in and making fun of her and doing the same dance, copying her dance and chiming in thinking he was being a funny big brother, which he was.

Well, and I used to make flashcards, so—

Yep, we did flashcards for Spanish.

So is your kid using flashcards? Do they know how to use flashcards? Do they know how to study? Do they need your help studying? Um, Lily was on the phone with her friend studying, and I heard them studying together. They can call a friend. So Michelle says, one of my girls is very bright but struggled with multiple choice tests all through school. Give her an essay and she was good to go. See, like, depends on the test too.

There's lots of tricks for multiple choice questions.

Well, Seth was explaining to them that you can probably get rid of 2 answers and get it down to 2, and then you have to figure out which one of the 2 is the best answer. Is that what you were teaching them?

Yes, I was teaching Ella how to eliminate the 2 obvious wrong ones so that she wasn't overwhelmed by 4 5 choices and had it down to 2 from which she could pick what she most likely thought was the right answer.

Oh my goodness. She was like, "Ah, there's answers!" I'm like, "Most of— 2 of them are wrong." So I have not gotten to talk to my mom today. I talk to her almost every day.

Hi, Grammy!

And mom is here, and mom, we are talking about how to ease test anxiety. The kids are all taking tests right now. I can feel the tension. I will tell you something, the tension was higher until Ella and Lily went and took a test today. And I was like stressed for them because they got out of my car stressed out. And I think they came back with confidence, like, I can do this.

I think part of it is that each year, like, Lily hasn't taken any. This is her first one, so she didn't know what to expect. And then, oh, that's an 8th grade exam, and is it region— is it going to be harder than what I took last year type of thing?

Well, and I think that this is the time of year And I am not judging anybody because I'm with you. This is the time of year where we're like easing up on the structure and the consistency. And like, this is— this is not the time to do that because if they're testing like my kids are, like, I want them to go to bed early. I want them to get sleep. I want to make sure they're drinking and hydrated. I want to make sure they're eating. Like, Lily couldn't eat breakfast this morning.

I did not know.

And I think she was stressed. And I was like, no, you have to eat. Please, please feed your brain because—

be in a resourceful state.

We want them to feed their brain and be able to think, and we want them to sleep and be able to think, and that stuff can help them take a test. So we can help ease their anxiety by helping them study and by making sure they're taking care of themselves. But the other thing that I realized is that they might not know how to calm themselves during a test. And I don't know about you, but I can take myself— can you take yourself back to testing? Like, can you go back to the room when you're testing and feel the test? Like, can you remember? But like, can you remember in school taking a test? Because I can go right back there and I can literally feel my heart racing. And I think what I did, because I studied so much for tests, that I think I went in the room and wanted to like get all my answers out as quickly as I possibly could and rush through my test. So I'm sure you took your time more than I did, but because of that experience, I'm trying to teach my kids like, slow your breathing.

Uh, not that, but I had the problem of I would rush through it. Yeah, I'd be the first one done.

Yeah.

And then my parents would be pissed if I got points off because I made a stupid mistake because I brushed and I didn't slow— I would make myself slow down and check the work and do every question twice. To do better. And I had to learn that lesson.

I talked to Max about that. I don't know if you talk to Max about that, but I do. Yes, because he will say, oh, this test is only going to take me an hour, pick me up at 9 o'clock. And I'm like, oh no, no, no. I'm like, I don't want the test to take you an hour. I want you to slow yourself down and make sure that you're, you know, not making any silly mistakes, right?

Because he's done that before, like me.

Yeah, so I realized that I wanted my girls— well, Max too, but Max doesn't have the same test anxiety, I don't think. I wanted them to learn how to calm themselves during a test. Do they know? Do your kids know how to do that? If their heart is racing, do they know how to slow their breathing? Can you practice that with them? Can— what are they telling themselves? I will tell you, my daughter was having a meltdown the other night and it was, "I'm gonna fail, I don't know anything." Like, that's what was coming out of her mouth. And I was like, "Oh my God, her thought process is totally—" like, thankfully she was telling me what she was thinking, so I was hearing the dialogue. But if you're gonna go on a test and you're gonna tell yourself that, "I'm gonna fail, I don't know anything," then your heart's gonna race more and your brain's gonna be shutting down.

It'll be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Yeah, do it to yourself. So I was like, okay, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like, first of all, we have to talk about what you're telling yourself during a test. Like, slow your breathing. Tell yourself, I can do this. I've, I've practiced for this material. I've studied for this. I'm gonna do the best that I can. We don't want them spiraling in their brain and making that make them shut down and not be able to answer the question. Some kids get more anxious than others. Some kids' testing is a breeze, and some kids are going to go in there a big anxious mess. So just know how your kid is and know what they need to help them through a test and practice with them. I mean, we talked about what to tell yourself when you're taking a test, and we went over it, and I think it helped. Yes, I think it helped. Yeah. And The whole, I don't know this, I'm not going to be able to do this. Okay, well, your test is in a week. Your test is in 1 week from today. If you don't know this part of the material, um, you have a 16-year-old brother upstairs who just did this. Call him downstairs and go over this with him. You know, he, he took, he took that class. Yep. I took that class way too long ago, right? Okay, so what else? What else am I forgetting?

You mean what else are you about to remember?

There's kids who don't care. There's kids who are not stressing. Those are not the kids that we're talking about tonight. We are talking about the kids who are carrying way too much. And my thing about this is, this test grade, this is not the do-all and end-all. You have multiple grades from the whole year. I don't know the weight of these exams. I should probably know the weight of these exams before I say this, but this isn't your whole grade, and this doesn't define you as a student and whether you're smart or not. So they're putting all this weight on one test at the end of the year. What?

Well, I mean, if you take like one of Max's AP classes, the score he gets affects whether or not it counts for college credit or not. Yeah. So does it define who he is as a student? No. But does it make a difference?

It sure does, because it's a course we don't have to pay for. So, so what is the worst case scenario? It doesn't count, right?

Which would be a shame because the whole point of taking it is for it to count. But I get what you're saying. The best is you're trying to minimize the intensity to help them.

The best is when— honey, I love you— he says to Max, go get 100. And I said, and I said, no pressure, Max.

Well, he's got 100 in the class. I'm like, okay, we'll keep it up then, right? Oh my gosh, he said himself, anything less is a step down.

You gotta, you gotta You gotta love the mother-father balance in this household. I'm like, honey, it's okay. And he's like, go get the credit for college so that I don't have to pay for it. Okay. What are we—

those were two different classes.

The college credit is the AP. The 100 is Spanish.

I'm just razzing you. You know, I'm just razzing you. I also tell my own kids, it will be okay no matter what happens. I am proud of them no matter what. Oh, that's gonna make me cry. And, and you know what? Like, when you see your kids studying so much and trying so hard, isn't that what it's about? The fact that they're learning how to study and they're learning these skills and, and the fact that they care so much and are trying, like, that's what I'm proud of.

I understand that, and I agree it's about that process and the journey. And what— right, well, for our, you know, 6th grader, amen to that. No college is looking at her 6th grade grades.

Well, she's in 5th grade. 5th grade, whichever.

I'm up to speed for sure. So Ella, are they looking at 8th grade grades? No, except for the classes she's taking that are high school classes. And Max, it matters a whole lot because it's going on his transcript.

Oh my gosh, um, it's like my father saying to me, Rebecca, where's the 3 points? I mean, I'm totally—

I'm not— I wouldn't do that. And I'm not honestly— he was giving us a hard time. He was kidding.

100 in Spanish. And my dad was kidding. Okay, so Nicole says, this is such an important topic, thank you for bringing it to life. Oh, Nicole, I saw how stressed my children have been and I was like, we need to talk about this because I don't like this. I don't want them to feel this. I don't like this time of year. I know you're not feeling it. I am too much of an empath and I have a week of stress because I feel their stress. And I don't like it. And when they came home and they were like, we did so well on ELA, and then Lily was like, but math is tomorrow. Okay, I think AP courses in high school are far more difficult than in college. Interesting, that is really interesting. I cannot, I cannot answer that.

I don't know if I'm gonna agree with that one. I'm trying to remember It depends on the course because I'm trying to remember the APs I took and then the classes I didn't have to take in college. I don't know, I think it depends on the AP class.

It's a good question.

Each topic is different. Yeah, I think there's some like AP Bio or AP Chem that might be harder than the intro courses in college, but like I did not— anyway, never mind. I know, I have to think about that.

I, I don't know. I think Nicole brings up a good point, and I think that it's not the end of the world if they don't get credit from their AP course. We have 2 kids— we had 2 kids through both high school and college.

Now you're more recent than I was, so you probably know better.

I do think— I, I did not think most of my college classes were hard. Do you? You might have had a different experience than me. I did not find— I found college interesting because I got to take psychology and social work and sociology, and I was in my element. Um, I enjoyed it. I didn't think it was hard. Like, probably, probably high school was a little harder for me because I was taking classes that I wasn't interested in.

Well, of course, if you're interested in something and loving it and going, this is what I want to do with my life, you're going to be in a better state. You're going to pay more attention, you're going to have more fun, you're going to learn better. Yeah. Going, oh, I don't have to learn about chemistry.

Oh my God, I don't know how I passed chemistry. I don't know how. Where were you? Where were you?

In chemistry class. You weren't in chemistry. I wasn't in your class. Were you advanced?

Did you take chemistry the same time I did, or did you take chemistry junior year? I don't know what— I don't remember. I took it.

I was in all advanced or honors.

So did you take chemistry sophomore year or junior year? I don't remember, honey. He could have helped me with chemistry. He could have helped me with economics.

I'm responsible for half that class passing, but that's a whole nother conversation.

I understand that, but you weren't in my economics That's not my fault. So that— so you did not— you were not responsible for me?

I was selling them. You were selling notes?

Did you get in trouble for selling notes?

No, I got— I got commended, rewarded by the teacher because everybody's grades went up.

No freaking way.

Because I typed them and he's like, wow, they can actually read them and you type everything so they have better notes to study from.

Uh, Margaret, we both went to East High School. Yes. And, um, He, I think, tutored his best friend in economics. Yes, I did. Have your children— I'm trying to think— your children took economics. I think you have a senior, so he must have taken economics.

Did you have to take it to pass it to graduate? At least you did when we were there. I, I had— economics is fun. You'll be fine.

I will walk you through. You've got Seth to help. You've got Dad to help you. So, okay, you have to I probably have them already.

Come to work and look at my bookshelves.

I hope the economics class has gotten better since I took it. That's all.

It's not about the course content. It's probably about the teacher. If you have someone who is dry and boring in teaching you, and I'm a math technical, you as a social worker would tune out and find it difficult. If you had someone who was passionate about it and engaging and made it interesting, all of a sudden Do we know if Mr.

Spinley is still there? He must have retired.

He wasn't economics, he was AP—

he was social American history, global studies, or US history.

Mrs. Smith was global, he was American.

He taught my AP American class. I did not take AP American history. You would never have caught me in that class.

I sold notes in regular American history.

Like I said, where were you? In the other class.

You're in the wrong classes, woman.

Okay, so I made it through high school in the boring classes, and my children will make it through the classes that they like and don't like. And you have to go get Max.

Yeah, well, yes, I'll watch the rest of this later. I was gonna wait until he texted and said I'm done in case he was late.

Oh, okay, I'm gonna let you go. I will wrap up Max— or Seth has to go get Max at football. And basically, I just wanted to talk about the fact that I don't like the stress I'm seeing. I don't like the internal pressure I'm seeing. Do you want to come and talk about testing at all? Do you want to come and talk about anything that's helping you? She is rejecting me. Um, Ella is an excellent test taker, and I am very impressed with the plan she has made to study. Very impressed with how she is executing it. Yes, it is football time! Do I, do I get to see you at football games? Hopefully I won't scream and go crazy this year. Football season and cheerleading season have begun. Cheerleading starts on Tuesday, football has already started. I'm ready for summer, I'm ready for these tests to be over, But in the meantime, ask your children, do they know how to study? Do they have a plan to study? Do they need your help? What are they telling themselves during the test? Do they need strategies during the test to help them calm down? I think that one of the things that Ella and I have talked about— and Ella, I don't know if you remember this, but we talked about even grounding your feet to the floor and thinking about feeling grounded. For me, I had this counselor tell me that at red lights she puts her hand on her heart and she starts to breathe, and I have started to do that instead of rushing. You know how we're like in a rush and we're waiting for the red light to change? I'm starting to use it as a time to like decompress, and I can take that to other things like testing. And teach my children to calm themselves and take a deep breath. And hopefully testing goes well. Hopefully they get good grades. If they don't, I still love them. I'm still proud of them. I will tell them that, Margaret, that was awesome advice. I need to say that I'm proud of you no matter what, because I see the effort they are putting into it. And on the 21st What are we doing on the 21st, Emma? Because I feel like we need to party on the 21st. What are we doing? You're getting me a cheesecake. So Ella wants a cheesecake for the 21st to celebrate. Yeah. What is with all you people and cheesecake? I want cheesecake. How about a regular cake? So, so I feel like we need a last day of school celebration plan, and I have been so busy planning for PTA events that I have not thought about a last day of school event. And my husband was making fun of me because I was doing PTA right before this, and he said, woman, you need to stop doing work that doesn't pay you and go move over and get on there and start working and making some money. So here I am working instead of volunteering, but PTA events are almost over. Testing is almost over. We will all get through it. We will help our kids go through it. We will help each other go through it. Um, yes, so my plan is to swim and garden, and Lily is going to say to me, but where are we going and what are we doing and who are we inviting over? So people, come and swim at my house. She is not going to want to swim with me every day. Come over Come swim with us, come hang out with us. And, um, anything else about testing? Are you gonna sing us out? I think Ella's done. So I just did my June challenge in my Whiny Palooza Mom group. If you would like to join the Whiny Palooza Mom group, it is free and it is fun and it is supportive and it is encouraging. But you have to ask me for an invite because it's private. Come sing. She wants you to come sing. Mrs. Paulzak is requesting you. Okay, I'll do it. She'll do it for you, Mrs. Paulzak. Um, I'm not ready. Oh my God, listen to the new podcast on Friday. I'm sure I have a wonderful guest, and I did not check, but I think it's one of the wonderful school counselors that I interviewed. Anything else I should tell them? That you're fantastic and wonderful and that I'm so proud of you. This little chiquita banana is graduating middle school and going to high school, and I'm not gonna lie, I might have cried about it today. Oh, is that why you wrote in my yearbook? I wrote in your yearbook, and I watched a video. There's a video the teachers made. Did you watch the video? No. I gotta go show her this video from, from her, her school. I was watching the teachers say goodbye to the 8th graders and bawling. Didn't you just start 5th grade? So middle school for my kids starts in 5th grade, as crazy as that sounds, and ends in 8th grade. And here she goes to high school. You're almost done, kid. One more week. Yep, not even. How many days? 1, 2, 3, 4. 4 school days, half days. Okay, sing us out. Thank you for watching Whiny Palooza Wednesday with the Greene family. Thank you everyone, have a wonderful week. Thank you for tuning in to the Whiny Palooza podcast.

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