Episode 272: Beyond Screentime

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No need to line this line. Whiny Palooza! Have some wine and join us on the Whiny Palooza Podcast with Rebecca Greene. Welcome to the Whiny Palooza Podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Greene. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family. Hello everyone, this is Rebecca Greene for the Whiny Palooza podcast, and I am so thrilled to have Florence Ann Romano on the podcast today. Hi, Florence Ann! Hello.

Hello. I'm so thrilled to be here.

Well, thank you so much for joining us. There is so much to tell you about her, so I'm going to jump in and introduce you. She is a personal growth strategist, author, philanthropist, and businesswoman with a sparkling personality, which I see already. With an eye for marketing, Romano flourishes as both an advisor for and the vice president of business strategy for Yakety Yak. That is so cool. Just the name is so cool. Um, Florence is a proud member of the board of directors at the Children's Research Fund as well as Female Strong. She is also a founding member of Sesame Street's Leadership Council. How cool is that? And her latest book is Build Your Village: A Guide to Finding Joy and Community in Every Stage of Life. I need to get this book. It sounds wonderful. And after spending more than 15 years as a childcare provider, during which she was known as the Windy City Nanny, Romano is the authority on childcare and family support in this new millennium and has more than 500 media appearances discussing these topics. You are a busy lady. I think you are too. Was to show people that not only is the saying "it takes a village" true, but also how important the need for community is. Laurenciane also has been featured on over 500 national and local media outlets across the country. Holy moly, how do you have time for me today?

Oh, stop. You're the priority, girl. No, don't be silly.

Well, I am so fascinated, and I wanna talk to you about, you know, Florence Ann has so many things that we can talk about today, but I wanna talk about social media and I wanna talk about our village. Is that okay with you?

Yes. Let's do it. Let's deconstruct that.

So I wanna, I wanna start with, I really wanna know how you became a personal growth strategist. That is such a fascinating title.

You know, the world has evolved in a lot of different ways regarding self-help. I'll say, you know, we're not really saying that, that term as much anymore. And I think that's okay to, you know, to reinvent that. Uh, and I like personal growth because it, it, it gives a great visual about the evolution of a human being, I think. And knowing that we're all becoming who we're becoming and it's an active practice for all of us. We have to constantly, I hope, be challenging ourselves in different ways to grow, to learn, to always be the student, to have new experiences, to know that we're not so smart that we don't have anything to learn. And so I like the idea that we're all kind of on this journey together of that personal growth and being also very honest about that with each other too, and knowing that it's okay to fail, that that's not a dirty word. The word, that F word, as I call it. So I really like the visual of what personal growth means in the world today.

Oh, I love that answer so much. And you're spot on with everything you're saying. And you're really such— you have so much wisdom on children and social media. How the heck did you learn so much about it?

Oh, gosh. You know, so I'm shortly going to be 38. And so I like to say that I straddled the, you know, kind of analog and digital world when I was growing up. I was actually telling someone, Rebecca, the other day about how when I was in school and I had to write research papers, I had to go to the library to check out books to write my research papers. And this, you know, young person was completely horrified by the fact that I was like talking about the Dewey Decimal System and microfiche machines and all sorts of things like that. And I think people forget, you know, how far we've come in such a short amount of time. You know, Facebook came out when I was in college. So, you know, um, I've seen kind of the world before and the world after, and I would hate to have been a young girl on social media, and that is the truth. And so I think I, I started to look at social media differently as a woman, um, and, and as, you know, a former nanny, seeing how children were reacting to social media, how they were reacting to digital world and really was very fascinated by the effects of that. And I also, as you mentioned, serve on the board at Lurie Children's Hospital, and that also has given me such insight regarding what goes on kind of in the, the pediatric world. And let's remember, pediatric hospitals, it's 18 and, you know, under. So, you know, I think people think pediatric and they think it's like 5 or 6-year-olds or even younger than that, but I'm talking about a pretty large demographic here of children and young adults who are affected by social media today in ways that unfortunately are not positive.

That is so true, and I'm scared to ask you my next question. Um, what age do you think that we should allow children to start social media?

You know, any person, any expert in the field, and I've had many conversations— I was actually talking to, um, Dr. Drew the other day. I was doing a podcast with Adam Carolla, and we were having this conversation, and we all agreed that the right age is As long as you can, as long as you can prevent it. And, you know, here's the unpopular thing that I'm going to say. It's difficult to stop it because your kids probably are going to find a way around it or they're going to feel like they're left out. And that's going to make them stand out in a way that is drawing attention to them that they don't want it. They don't want to feel different, right? No child does. So, you know, it's very difficult for you to also set those boundaries for such a long amount of time because then your child is missing out on socialization and things like that. And it's a very, very thin rope that you're walking. It's, you know, it's a— that tightrope is dangerous. And I understand that. And I do not envy parents having to make that decision in their household. So The best advice that I have when making this decision is you— it has to be customized in terms of the child. Not every child matures at the same rate. Not every child has the same emotional capabilities. And we have a world full of, you know, neurodiverse children and adults. And we have to pay attention to what is appropriate or inappropriate for those children at a certain age, depending on what they can process. What they can understand, what they're capable of. So I know that sounds like a very, you know, broad answer, but it has to be customized. Just like any child deserves to have that, that personal attention, you have to make that decision with your child's capabilities and strengths and challenges in mind.

I think that was the perfect answer. And I, I think what you're saying is it depends on the child, which Makes so much sense. So much sense. Now, I know this for me. I know this for me. Our kids don't know this. Uh-huh. How do we help our kids build social media skills? Because I think there's so many skills they need to learn.

There are a lot of skills regarding, I guess, the logistics of it, but I laugh because, you know, children are the ones that teach us how to use technology. That's true. I mean, I, I was with my cousins over the weekend, my young cousins, and I was watching my little, like, 3-year-old cousin cousin, like, take the iPad and just like— and I was like, what is happening? I was— I didn't even know. I, I was shocked. I was like, I'm way behind. I need to go to some sort of, you know, social media school. I try to, you know, still use Instagram, but I, I still have to ask, like, my millennial sister for help with that. And so, um, yeah, you know, right? I think we always will because technology is changing and I'm not keeping up with it, and I'm kind of okay with that. Um, you know, But the skill set, you know, but besides the logistical and the schematics of it, I suppose the skill set that's more important to me is having very candid conversations with your children about what they're going to be exposed to on social media. And, you know, we have to remember the way social media works in terms of the algorithms, in terms of the content that they could be exposed to. Now, you can also set up, you know, there are different protections, parenting protections that you can have there. There's a lot of apps now today that provide those kind of boundaries for you. But I think more importantly, it's understanding what content is going to be out there. And if they see something, they should say something, explaining, you know, what, what people actually are doing on social media. We call it a highlight reel. We call it, you know, a lot of different things regarding what people are sharing about their lives, and then also how it affects your self-esteem, how it affects how you feel about yourself. I think especially young women, you know, we grew up thinking, you know, we saw the COVID of a magazine and we compared ourselves to the movie star or the celebrity on the COVID of a magazine. And now we have a lot of media and a lot of content that I think in a very subconscious way is affecting us. And if we adults are affected, by it, maybe not as knowingly, but I think we all feel that way. And I can go into that a little bit more. If we as adults feel that we're being affected or influenced, how can a child be expected to understand that the way an adult does? So I think having honest conversations about what they're seeing and what it means and the interpretation of those things— what's fake, what's real, what's right, what's wrong, what's appropriate, inappropriate, how do you interact with people on social media in a respectful in a kind way. This may seem like it's way too much detail or way too overthought, but the truth is, you know, the, the media world, the social media world can be a very dark and dangerous place. So I don't think you can be overly protective about it.

Well, and you said something when I was reading about you that I didn't think about as a mother. You had said to talk to our kids daily about what they're seeing. And I don't do that. And I don't say, hey, what kind of stuff are you seeing? What are you learning? Is there anything that's concerning to you? You know, at one point there was some tragedy going on that I didn't know about. And my girls were like, Mom, did you hear blah, blah, blah happened? And I'm like, oh geez, TikTok.

Yeah. Oh yeah. Geez, TikTok. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Oh geez, TikTok.

I mean, so that was really good advice. Because I'm not doing that and they're seeing stuff that I don't necessarily want them to see.

And right, even looking with them too, Rebecca, you know, like they sit on the couch, they're scrolling, they think you're not paying attention, you know what I mean? You just kind of like, you know, I do it with my own family. Like my mom will be like scrolling or something and I'm looking over like it's seeing what's up. It's interesting to see what's everyone's algorithm like, you know, my stuff right now, I'm not going to be— I'm not going to lie. My stuff right now is like all seasonal decor. It's like fall. I love it. And, and, and, and like, like memes about like my siblings and my friends and stuff like that. Mine's not very interesting, but every once in a while stuff will pop up that I'm like, oh gosh, how did this get onto my feed? You know, like, why is that there? Um, and you know, children are curious. They're going to be, you know, looking up different things. They're going, you know, Google is there, and I think, uh, Google educates our children more than, uh, people do at point. And so I think, again, children being curious about things, you know, they, they, they want to take that deep dive. And sometimes I think when they do, they're not prepared for what they find and they don't know how to talk about it because they're worried about the consequence of it. If I tell mom or dad about this, I'm going to get in trouble. They're going to take my phone away or I'm going to lose my privileges. So finding a way to have an open and honest conversation and relationship with your children where they don't feel feel like they're always going to have, you know, severe consequences to honesty. That's, that's also another, you know, very important line that we straddle.

That's huge. And I haven't talked to them about that either. So, you know, it's so funny, sometimes I do a podcast and I think to myself, my children need to listen to this one. So this is one of those podcasts because I think it's going to open conversations that we're not talking about. And I know as a mother now, my husband is so much better at technology, so I'm not doing any of this. What kind of app would you suggest for us to be using with our kids? And what kind of time limit tools can you suggest for us? Because I'm not doing either of those things right.

Well, you know, there are— there's like a new app that comes out every day. And I mean, honestly, and honestly, my favorite thing to do is I go and I search the apps like, you know, for parental control and seeing, you know, kind of what pops up. Each one kind of has something different. One for Instagram, one for Facebook, one for Messenger. I do recommend on Facebook Messenger, they have an option where when they're under a certain age, you get the transcript of any of the messages that they're sending. I think you should be doing that. It's so funny. I was watching, you know, one of my reality shows on Bravo, and one of the moms was talking about that to her daughter, and she's like, do you realize that I see and your dad sees the stuff that you're saying to people. And they were talking about her conversation with a boy at that point. It was a very— it was, it was funny because it was so very real, you know, for as fake as things can be on a reality show, was a very real moment that she was talking. Yeah. So I suggest that. But I want to go one step further with, you know, the time limit. Some families turn off their Wi-Fi at a certain hour where, you know, you can no longer access it. But one thing that I saw a good family friend of ours do, which I think was brilliant, she had 5 daughters. I mean, still has 5 daughters, but when they were young, she used to take all of their technology out of their room when they went to sleep at night and lock it up. And, and honestly, I understand how frustrating that must be as a young child or even as, you know, a teenager that that would happen. Now they look back on it, understand why their parents did it, and it probably stopped them from getting into all sorts of trouble. But I think that that's a really good option for families that feel like there aren't enough boundaries or they're concerned about what's going on kind of after hours. And it's not even engaging in maybe salacious or inappropriate things. It's also just about the health of the child. You know, I know myself as an adult, I can go down that deep rabbit hole of I can't sleep, and then it's hours of me being on my phone, and it's not good for me mentally or physically or any of that. So it's also about safeguarding that for our children as well, that they're getting the sleep that they should be getting, they're getting the rest, that they're not being distracted in that way. So it's not always about— it's always danger, danger, danger. It's also about making sure that um, you're setting your kids up for success.

Absolutely. I had a mom tell me that there was this boy texting her daughter at like 1 AM, and she was like, do I tell the mom that he's up at 1 AM texting? And I mean, I said absolutely. I would want to know. I would want to know if my kids were doing that.

I'd want to know too.

Yeah, I don't want them up on the phone at 1:00 AM in the morning when they should be sleeping.

Right, exactly. And, you know, nothing good probably happens at 1:00 in the morning.

No, not at all. Well, and, you know, our children aren't innocent, right? I listen to how their friends are talking to them and how they are talking to our friends. I love that you talked about us talking to our kids about what our expectations are about how they're behaving on social media. Can you talk about that?

You know, I noticed this probably a few years ago when we were going through such a contentious election cycle, and I was watching kind of how people were treating each other online. And it's always very interesting to me how brave— and I'm using the quote unquote here— brave people are on social media when they're giving their opinions about things and how also unkind, and there's also a lack of compassion and also just a very rude nature to kind of how, how people treat one another. And so I was kind of paying attention to that a little bit. And then I was having a conversation with a friend who saw her daughter mirroring her behavior based on how her mom and dad were reacting to watching the news. And so they were watching the news and they were yelling about whatever was going on, you know, that stupid person, or, oh, they're such an idiot, or blah, blah, blah. And then all of a sudden, their daughter started saying those same things to people.

Oh boy.

I was talking to her and she was so mortified. And I said, you know, they're watching. Our kids are watching us. Whether you're a parent, a caretaker, however it is, just how you're yelling at the TV like that, it made it seem like to the child, well, if you don't like something, if you're mad about something or you have a reaction to something or you're emotional about something, it's okay to react that way, to display it that way. And so And this kind of, you know, really, you know, kind of shook her up, you know, about like, how do I, you know, kind of backpedal this? How do I correct this? And that, that, that story leads me to saying it's, it's more so about understanding how are we as adults teaching our children through example, whether it's intentional or not, how you treat people and how you talk to people. And I think that's where it starts. Starts. And if we as adults cannot stop ourselves, restrain ourselves, edit ourselves from treating people that way, then how do we expect our children to do it? It cannot be, it's rules for thee but not for me. And that is kind of the world I think we live in today, where we're forgetting that we have a big responsibility to to model that behavior.

That is so true because my, my children are watching me on social media, so they see how I'm talking to people and commenting. I mean, obviously in person they're watching me too, but they're watching what my comments are, what am I liking, right?

They're, they're watching me and what you're posting about yourself. Like, oh my gosh, I was looking at like my— someone's social media the other day and it was like the mom was taking pictures of her kid on her first day of school and she's in 8th grade and I was looking at outfit. Like, oh my gosh. I was like, why are we— why is no one wearing a full shirt anymore? We have shirts on. We're 14 years old. And I just, you know, it like horrified me. But I, again, you know, I guess I'm being judgy there and I shouldn't do it, but it's just— to me, I'm like, all right, this is an interesting choice. And I can't believe that the mom's letting the daughter leave the house looking like this in her tiny little shorts and her stomach showing and all that sort of thing. I'm like, wow. So, you know, I think it's also to going back to what are, what are you showcasing on the internet? Obviously, the mom didn't think anything of what her daughter looked like and she's fine showcasing that, you know. But what are you posting about yourself too? Are you, you know, posting pictures of yourself all the time with the pursed lips and, you know, provocative kind of, you know, look to you? I mean, you, I guess you can do whatever you want to do and I'm not here to shame you. But if you're putting that up, if that's your content, then be prepared to explain it to your children. Then if you're doing it, then your kids are going to think, well, if mom or dad does it or whatever, then I should be able to do it. And also, who are the friends they're keeping? If their friends are posting certain things and they think, well, then I should be able to do that too, then how do you have that conversation with your child about their friend Susan, who's posting stuff that you would never want your child posting? But that's their friend and you don't want to say bad things about their friend or bad things is about the parenting. So now all of a sudden, what do you do?

So hard. It is such a hard situation. We try to steer our children to the friends we want them to be friends with.

You know what? The company you keep is important. But yes, yes, sometimes kids have to learn that the hard way about their friendships, you know, and you can't always police that as much as you wish you could.

That is, that is an excellent point. And I know my kids, spend a lot of time online talking to their friends.

Yeah.

And it can, it can frustrate me because what I say to them, and I, and I made a point to be very firm with my son about this, you have to get in person. You have to see people in person. So can we shift to that? How do we encourage our kids to get face to face instead of being virtual all the time?

I think after COVID, children and adults had a really hard time going back to in-person, uh, and, and children who also were more shy to begin with, they got to go into that tortoise shell a little bit more, and getting them to coax them out of it again was even harder. And those social skills definitely were affected. Um, but the, the emphasis on in-person, uh, again, I think is modeled by adults as well. I think we after COVID, and this is actually what led me to writing my book, Build Your Village, was people not only didn't know how to connect again, they kind of didn't want to. They were like, you know, yoga pants and Netflix are way more interesting than having a cup of coffee with somebody. But then here's the problem with that. We have started to notice in our country a loneliness epidemic, and there is a mental health crisis going on. And this is spanning a lot of different demographics. And a lot of different age groups. And the real reason and the common denominator is the lack of connection. And that in-person connection is a big part of it. And our children, especially when they don't have that in-person connection, those social skills, those communication skills, those emotional skills are all going to suffer. And I always say to parents, eventually those kids are going to become young adults and those young adults are going to become adults who have to get jobs and go on interviews. And actually be functional people in this society, in society. The only way they're gonna cut their teeth on those skills is during their friendships when they're younger. And so we do have to encourage them to do it. That's why we do have to have boundaries on screen time. That's why extracurricular activities are so important, or sports or philanthropy. All of that leads to connection in some sort of way. And I am a moderation girl. I always will say everything in moderation. I think our world today swings way too drastically from, you know, the pendulum. So we can find that moderation for our children. You know, I go crazy when I see some of these kids who are so overly extended, and it— they're not having a childhood, you know. They're, they're, they're, they're suffering in other ways. So we have to also pay attention to what is filling up their cup, what is joyful to them, what is actually going to improve their mental health, those skills, all of those things. So it's quality over quantity in, in a lot of ways for our children, and then also for ourselves. A lot of what I'm talking about here is being applied to children and young adults, but I'm also speaking to the adults too.

Well, and I love your book. I love the title. And I want to talk about Our Village because you're talking about building a village.

Yes.

And you, and You talk about a primary and a secondary village.

Yes.

Can you tell us what that means?

So I laugh when I look around at the world, and I know categorizing it into primary and secondary villages feels like I'm casting things in terms of priority, or, you know, these are more important people and these are less important people. And that's not the truth. So the primary village is kind of like your family, your best friends. These are the people who are, you know, really, you know, intimately involved in your life. And then there's the secondary village of people who sometimes come in and out during the ebbs and flows of the seasons of life. It could also be the barista that you see every single day on your way to work. And I always use that example because sometimes I laugh thinking, oh my gosh, that barista probably knows more about me than some of the people who interact with me on, you know, a daily basis at work. Um, but that's a person you depend on, that caffeine fix that you get every day. That person You know, you walk in and you ask how the kids are and hey, did they graduate yet? Or they have any weeks of school? I mean, you know about, you know, about their life and in some sort of way, and I think that's actually pretty awesome. But those primary and secondary villages are meant to help you categorize the people in your life to find where the gaps are and where, you know, do you need more support? And also one thing I want to mention too about that secondary village is sometimes those are people that come into the picture during crisis, in your crisis moments in your life. Maybe there's a death in the family or there's a divorce or someone's house has burned down on your block and you're all going to come together to make sure you, you know, help them rebuild and get them clothes and toiletries and things like that. Those are not people that are going to be there maybe a few months from now, but during that moment of crisis, they are— they're going to come together to be that secondary village for you, which in that moment is going to feel more like the primary. But those people are not necessarily going to stick around for the long haul, and that's okay. That's something I think we also need to make peace with, is knowing that not every single person that comes into our orbit is going to stay there. And sometimes it is just for a season, and it's just to be— to learn a lesson or to somehow, you know, be there to fill in a moment, like I said, of crisis or disaster or tragedy, whatever it might be. And it's okay to know that it's not going to be permanent.

That is a really good, um, explanation. I had no idea. I was like, what does she mean by primary and secondary? And I think what would be really good is to explain the 6 types of villagers. Yeah. Because then we can see where our gaps are.

So I wanted to create 6 villagers because I, I'm kind of a visual learner and I think a lot of people are. And I, you, in, in having 6 archetypes, it helps you kind of cast the play. Cast the movie. That's what it is. That's really, truly the work that we're doing. So I wanted 6 villagers to help you understand 2 things. Who do you need in your village? And also, who am I in other people's? Because this work is not just about me, me, me, and what do I need. This is about all of us and also how we're showing up for other people. So the 6 people are Accepting, Dependable, Cheerleader, Communicator, Organizer, and Healer. And I could give you a little background to each. But before I do, I bet you, Rebecca Greene and anyone listening, as I just went through those 6 archetypes very quickly, I bet you're starting to think about who in your world fits into those definitions without me even giving you a definition, right? That's what I want. That's the whole point of this book, is it's not supposed to feel like such a heavy lift. You're supposed to think about what does your current ecosystem look like, and then how can we fill in the gaps? How can we fire certain people, recast certain people, shuffle the deck? So the accepting villager is the nonjudgmental one in your life. The very first person you're going to cast because you're going to think of this person as the one that you would confide in, that, you know, you would tell them about a problem or confess a secret to. Your dependable villager is your emergency contact. And I laugh because I don't think anyone answers their phone anymore except for me. And I'm everyone's emergency contact for their children, for their daycare. There for all of them. So that's your dependable person. Your cheerleader. I know it sounds like rah rah rah, and that's easy. And yes, it is that person. But yes, they're the one that inspires, you know, perhaps you're making a big life decision in life or a big life change. Uh, they're the one that's going to show up for you in that moment of transition. They're your hype person. Then your communicator. Um, they have your best interest in heart. They're, they're curious, they're even-tempered, they're capable of seeing other perspectives. And no matter what the situation is, you know, think of a stove. They, they don't turn up the heat on the stove. They, they put a lid on it. Uh, and the organizer, they're the person that you delegate to. Uh, they give you peace of mind. Uh, you can release control to them because you know that they're gonna get it done. Think about decluttering both your mind and your home. Uh, and then the healer, they're the person that walks next to you you through it, whatever the it is in life. They're not there to fix you or to fix the situation. They're there to be consciously compassionate and be your kind of your north star in life. So those are the 6 villagers, the 6 archetypes as I've defined them. Um, and the, the exciting part about that is knowing that you probably have a lot of these people in your life already. You probably have maybe more than one. But if you don't, it's not that I'm asking you to go run out there and find these people right away. It's about figuring out what— where the gaps are in your life again. And if you're feeling those gaps and that you have the encouragement and you have the tools that hopefully I give you in this book to know that you can go out and find it and make it work for you. And also figuring out of these people, who am I? How do people look at me and how am I showing up for other people?

That is, that is so interesting. I'm going through all the people in my mind and thinking about this. You know, the funny thing about women is you're talking about no judgment. I think women have a lot of judgment when we talk to them, and I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing. They, I feel like we're also full of so many opinions.

Yes. Yes. Yes. We are full of a lot of opinions, and it's not necessarily a bad thing to be full of a lot of opinions. You know, we have a voice for a reason. But I always say you can say what you mean, but not say it mean.

Oh my God, I love that so much. Well, and I also find for myself, it's like we want to fix everything. And sometimes I'm like, okay, sit with this person and see what they need from you, right? Because I find a lot of people just want me to listen.

Rebecca, you're hitting the nail on the head. I— there's someone said to me once, and I loved this advice, and I use it very often in life. When someone comes to you with something that they want to talk about, you can simply ask them the question, are you looking for advice? Are you just looking to vent? And setting up that framing is enormously helpful, not just for them, but for you, so you don't sit there feeling like all this pressure is on you to fix the situation.

Very true. Well, and that's helped in my marriage.

Oh, I bet. Oh, yeah.

Fix everything. And I'm like, no, no, no, just sit with me and listen.

I bet. Sit with me and listen.

You know what?

But see, and not to get into marriage and all that stuff, but, you know, men and women and not even just men and women, whatever type of relationship you're in. But I do feel that this is definitely a man versus woman thing. A lot of men, they want to fix it. They always just want to fix the situation right away. They don't want to do a whole lot of listening. And I, my one girlfriend, I'll make you laugh because I'm sure other women out there will feel, feel this way. So they, they said, what are they, what, how did he put it? My, my friend's husband said to me years ago, because we've all known each other since college, he goes, you know, you're there to take care of the 15% of her that I can't, I can't manage, meaning my friend. So as we've been friends for 20 years, so now that, that percentage has gone up every year. So now we're at like 65, 70%. And I said to him the other day, I was like, I, we started at 15. You said now I have to like take 75% of her. And so I laugh and laugh about it. And I, you know, but he said, I just am not capable of giving her what her girlfriends do. And women, the sisterhood is just a different thing. Women, we, we are different with one another. It's a different type of bond. The way we connect is different than men, and that is okay. But that's why it's so important to know that your spouse doesn't have to be the answer for everything for you. That's why we do have friendships. We have people outside our marriages and relationships friendships for that reason, because that person is not supposed to be your everything. So I— they're just not.

Well, and it's not fair to them for us to expect them to be our everything, right? It's too much.

No one should be, not even these villagers that I talked about. That's why there are 6, because could you imagine if you said to your friends like, hey, I have no other people in my life, so you are the chosen one and you're gonna have to do everything for Hey, you have to solve all my problems for me, be everything. That, that, you know, again, I'm not saying you need 100 friends, but, you know, certainly you don't want to be putting the burden on one person to be everything. It's not right.

No, no. Well, and some friends, as you have mentioned, can be toxic friends. So, right, right. I mean, how can we escape toxic friends, and how do we help kids escape toxic friends?

Gosh, I mean, I could throw myself back into being a young girl where there's the clique of girls that you so desperately want to be a part of, but they're not necessarily nice girls. They're not people that my mom certainly wanted me to be hanging out with. They weren't a great influence. But how do you stop that? That's a whole different conversation. But the toxicity, You know, the toxicity in friendships. Unfortunately, that scenario that I just mentioned about wanting to fit in, that doesn't necessarily go away as you get older. That actually continues, and it just takes a different form. Friend of mine had moved to a different state, and she had to join a whole new group of girlfriends. And she said to me recently, I feel like I'm constantly auditioning, like, to be accepted. And, you know, you think that that's going to end after you're out of grammar school or even out of high school, and it doesn't. And, you know, I said to her, you have to start asking yourself why you want to be friends with these women. Are these the right women for you to be friends with? And so, uh, as we go into this idea of toxicity, it's asking yourself, you know, questions, taking inventory of the reasons why you're in this relationship, you're in this friendship. Are you looking at your phone and every time you see that text come up from that person, you're just like, oh, God, what's this? And you don't want to dread opening up that text message because it's going to be something they need or they're extremely attached to you, or I don't want to say whiny, but very needy and constantly complaining. Or whatever it might be. But then also, how do they treat you? Are you being respected in the friendship? Are you— is it reciprocal? Are you being walked all over? You know, you can't drink from an empty cup. You can't pour from an empty cup. And sometimes I think we wake up and wonder why we feel so depleted sometimes in our friendships. And it's because there is a reciprocity problem. And it's not that we're keeping score. It's not that it's tit for tat because that's not fair either, but it certainly cannot be one-sided. I have had friendships, not many, but a couple friendships certainly, um, that, that did, uh, end up, uh, finding its completion because I could no longer participate in a friendship where I felt I was being taken advantage of. So teaching children the things that we're trying to teach ourselves about self-respect, about how we treat one another, how we treat ourselves. You know, that's again another opportunity for parents to have open conversations with their children about friendship and what that should look like. And are you modeling healthy friendships and using your examples in your life to say, you know, for example, I can use my mom who has different groups of girlfriends, her grammar school girlfriends, her girlfriends in the community that that, you know, we live in, you know, currently. Um, yeah, I, I live back in my hometown that I grew up in. My mom lives 60 seconds away from me, so I see her girlfriends all the time with her. And I always laugh because I see exactly the reasons why she's friends with all these women. They're all for different reasons, but they all have a common denominator, and it's that they all make each other better. They all make each other stronger. They all play a role in each other's lives. That's what I want for our children to realize too, is that just like in a romantic relationship where you hope that that person makes you a better person and you do the same for them, you want to use the same measuring stick in your friendships.

Oh my goodness, I couldn't love that answer more. And I can't— and I love that it always goes back to what we're showing our kids. And we forget that and we forget how powerful we are with that.

That and showing them how we, how we show up for each other. You know, that's a big deal for me as a friend. You know, I take my role as friend very seriously. I always have. You know, it's as simple as— and this is something you should show your children. You know, a friend of mine told me that they had— they were starting their first day of work after maternity leave, and this was weeks and weeks ago. So she told me what the date was and I put it in my calendar. Took me 2 seconds. This is her first day of work. So the night before, I texted her and just said, you know, you're such an amazing mother and you're going to be such a beautiful example to your children of, you know, being able to, you know, do something for yourself, provide for your family, blah, blah, blah. All the things that I said, you know, don't feel like you can't explain to your child or let them see these acts of kindness or these acts of service that you do for people or how you show up for people. Let them be inspired. Give them ideas about how they can also, you know, put their own spin on that in their own friendships about, you know, what does it look like to be thoughtful? What does it look like to, again, put others before ourselves? Not in a way that negates our own work, our own self-care, but what does it look like to be a friend? And, you know, again, they can apply that to the different ages or different life, you know, moments, you know, of, of life that they're in. But the last thing I'll say about that is philanthropy. It's very important for us to teach our children how to give back, charity, things like that. And they need to see you doing it. They need to see, you know, why you do it. You need to have those conversations. That's actually a lesson. And that that will span so many different capacities in their life if you expose them to that. But having, again, conversations about how do you take care of each other, I think that's just as important as talking about social media and the boundaries there too.

Oh my goodness, there's so many. I told you before we started, there's so much we could talk about. You are so— you have so much wisdom to share, and I sincerely can't thank you enough. I learned so much. I learned so much.

I've learned so much from you. Thank you.

And before we go, can you please tell everyone where to find your book and where to find you?

Sure. So I'm all social media. Okay, here we go. You can go to social media, find me, FlorenceAnn.Romano. I answer every DM. If you want to have a conversation with me, please do. Think of me as your virtual village. My website, FlorenceAnn.com. I have a ton of blogs about a lot of the things we talked about here. A lot of fun content, a newsletter. But then also, most importantly, my book is there with the links. You can find it anywhere books are sold. But I would love to, you know, be able to talk to anyone who's interested about this village concept. And most importantly, people understanding that the proverb, it takes a village to raise a child, it's wonderful. But I also want people to feel very encouraged and empowered that whether or not you have children, You deserve a village and you deserve to find your people. So this book is not just for parents. This book is for everyone, no matter their age, to find their people in life and hopefully give you the tools to get in the car and drive there. So I'm going to give you the directions, but you have to get in the car and drive there.

Oh, I love it. I need your book. I need to read it. It sounds like a fabulous book, and I'm going to make my children read it.

Oh my gosh. Well, I would love to have a follow-up conversation and hear that feedback.

Oh my gosh.

Okay.

I'm making a note. So thank you so much. I absolutely loved talking to you.

Thank you. The pleasure was all mine. Ditto, ditto. Thank you, my friend.

This is Rebecca Greene reminding everyone to spend every day laughing, learning, and loving. Thank you for tuning in to the Winey Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, or leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time.

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