Episode 279: Getting Ahead of a Problem

No need to whine, it's whiny palooza. Have some wine and join us on the whiny palooza podcast with Rebecca Greene.

Welcome to the whiny palooza podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Greene. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family.

Hello everyone, happy Winey Plousa Wednesday. No need to whine, it's Winey Plousa Wednesday. Have some wine and join us on Winey Plousa Wednesday with the Greene family. We've got love, laughs, and all the light to tune in every Wednesday night.

Boom, mic drop!

I love it.

MC Ella in the house!

Ella, it's so cute. I love it. It's perfect. Her song edition.

Yes, adding some hip-hop rap. Oh, why am I wearing— I'm gonna lose the swag here.

You can wear your swag. You look good in your swag. So Ali hasn't sang in a while, so that was nice. Yes, this is my fourth outfit of the day.

You, you, you keep changing your outfits.

Well, so we're in that time of year where we start off cold and freezing in the morning.

Yep.

And then I get really hot in the afternoon.

Yep.

So I ended up changing twice. To get cooled off because it was so warm out, which I'm not complaining about. But then the sun goes down and it gets really cold again. So this is outfit number 4 today.

I've kept the same outfit all day, but I didn't need a coat this morning and I did not need it when I came home, and I would probably need it now because you're in an office in the same spot all day, same temperature, and I am not.

I'm all over the place.

You're Moving and grooving.

So this topic is super appropriate for today.

Yes, that's a technical social work term right there from the master's degree woman.

My master's degree was not put to good use today on multiple levels, but it could have been. You know what, this is what I want to say to everybody and to my husband. My husband knows this already. I am freaking human. What? I'm gonna get upset. Yes, I'm never gonna be perfect. You're always trying to achieve that will just set me up for failure and just so frustrating. Yes. So the topic this week is getting ahead of the problem. And the woman who inspired it is Leslie Cohen Ruber— Rubery.

Rubery. Rubery.

It's a tongue twister.

Rubery.

I had the pleasure of interviewing her and it was aired. No, I don't think— was it aired last week? Might have been aired last week. Hey, I know who's coming this week.

There, I did tell you to check that, so that's good.

So anyways, if you haven't listened to Leslie, go listen to her because she's so smart and she taught me so much. And in my deep dive, one of the fun things about my job is that a woman is presented to me because I tend to just interview women Um, it's a podcast for— I want to say it's a podcast for moms, but it's a podcast for parents and couples. It's— yes, I, I'm not going to pigeonhole it like that, but I mostly interview mothers. And, um, I, I do a deep dive on all the women that I get to talk to when I learn about them, which teaches me a lot and helps me do a better interview.

Yes.

So as I was learning about Leslie She talked a lot about problems. And I love what I learned from her. And I want to share from you and I want to add my two cents. And let's jump into problem solving.

Let's do it.

So you might be like Seth, you might be like me, and you might be your own way. So I would love for you to chime in and tell me how you are with problems. I would love for you to tell me as you hear what I'm talking about, what you relate to. So problem-solving steps. Do you know the problem-solving steps? Do you know them because I typed them out in my blog? Did you know them already?

I did not memorize your blog, and I do not know any problem-solving steps. I do not. My step is solve the problem.

Okay. Failed as a social worker because I have not taught, like, I haven't sat down and actually taught my kids and my husband the problem-solving process.

Okay, and step 1, let's see if I do any of them just without knowing it's okay solving the problem.

Well, let me know what you think.

Yeah, go ahead.

So first you have to identify the problem. Yeah, what is the problem?

I did do that.

You have to think about what your options are to solve the problem.

I came up with one right away.

Okay, so you did not— what Seth didn't do, and that's okay because he knew how to solve it. So Leslie goes through 5 ways to respond to a problem, and Seth's way of responding— no, I love it. I'm gonna— I want you to know, I'm gonna throw myself under the bus tonight. Like, this is lovely for you because I'm gonna give you a lot of praise tonight because Seth is like the master problem solver and we could all learn from him. And I'm gonna throw myself under the bus So Seth solves the problem, responding to the problem, step 1, number 1, top 1 is just, you know how and you solve the problem. Or maybe you need to go through the problem-solving steps that I'm telling you and you need to write down your options to solve the problem. And then I've gone so far as to help people weigh the pros and cons of each decision. And then we all make the best decision that we think the best decision is.

Yeah, do some research on your options and alternatives.

And you can do research online on your options, or my favorite thing is to talk to people in my support system and ask for their advice about the problem. So I'm gathering data from my support system in the Whiny Palooza mom group. Oh, and I should, I should use the mom group like when I have a problem.

That's a great— not just to buy a car, you could do all kinds of research.

I should totally be like, right, because I've asked like, what kind of car do you drive? Or what do you think of this car? Or what plumber do you use? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

We're happy with our plumber.

So we do like our plumber. So you go through and you see which option you think maybe is the best option, and you choose it. And then it doesn't end there, because then you have to evaluate, do you like how this solution is going? And maybe you do, and you're like, yay me, and you keep going. Or maybe you're like, ah, I didn't I didn't get the result I want. I need to tweak this. I need to go back to my options and I need to pick something else. So we can always spin back around and fix it.

That sounds like also the steps of like the scientific method of like proving or disproving a hypothesis for an experiment.

Oh, interesting.

Interesting. Remember back to our children being in high school science?

No.

Okay. Moving right along.

If it was science class or social studies class. I probably slept through the class, but don't tell my kids that. I got very good grades and passed with flying colors. Still proud. Somehow sleeping through some of the classes. Okay, so step 1. So we've gone through the problem-solving process that I need to teach my husband and my children. I can't believe I haven't done that.

We've survived all these years.

Okay, so Seth's way of responding to a problem is to just jump. He wants to solve it yesterday. He wants to make it happen.

Right. I want to spend 5% of time on the problem and 95% on the solution.

Well, and I think that—

and the problem that we were talking about, if we're actually going to talk about it, was the one where I knew what the solution was pretty much right away.

So Seth, just like making a phone call. Okay, so I want to tell you something. This is really funny. I wanna, I wanna make you all laugh. So I'm all upset.

Yes.

And, and that was the problem. And arms are going.

And when the arms start going and I'm all flustered and upset. Yes. What are we gonna do? Oh my God, this is terrible.

And as I maybe walking around the kitchen, oh no, all upset, all in my feelings.

Yes.

Seth is already on the phone. Solving the problem.

Yes.

So he wants to solve the problem yesterday. I want to sit with my feelings and be with my feelings way too long.

Yeah, but don't you know that you could skip the feelings if you just solve the problem?

But you're talking about coping skills right now. Okay, so your coping skills— so maybe you could shed light on this for all of us— your strong coping skills allow you to move right to problem solving. Yes. And my coping skills are all upset.

How is that a coping skill?

I'm saying I have to, I have to gather myself.

Oh, okay, you need a coping.

I have to use my co— I get all upset, upset about whatever the problem is.

Yes.

And I have to bring, I have to bring in my coping skills and be like, okay, like self-talk, we gotta kind of reel you in. I have to like reel myself in and calm myself down before I can move to problem solving. So I waste Yes, a lot of time with my feelings.

Precious time.

Maybe I could work on that.

It's worked for you to whatever extent so far.

That is not on, on this list.

What?

Okay, I'm gonna go through the ways to respond to a problem, and you're gonna tell me if my feelings fall into any of these categories.

Okay, okay, I'm ready.

Okay, so we've talked about number 1, Mr. Greene solving a problem.

Yes.

Number 2, changing the way we see a problem, which is humongous, mind-blowing reframe. I want to tell you, maybe it's not even a problem that I want to tell you.

In this case, ours was a physical problem.

Okay, so ours was really a problem and you couldn't see it any other way.

There was no way to look at it to make it feel better. We needed a part for a thing.

Okay, so Changing the way you look at a problem. So the first thing that came to me, and maybe you have another example, but the first thing that came to me were all the parents who came to see me for counseling and would present to me things like, you need to make my child listen. He should listen every time I ask him to do something.

Wouldn't that be nice?

And I was like, You know, is that realistic? Is that a realistic expectation?

Because I said so.

Do we expect our kids to listen to us without any sort of comment and just obedience every time we ask them to do something? Does that seem like a realistic expectation that is setting us up for success?

I have not figured out how to pull that off.

I don't think that's realistic. I think that you're setting yourself up to be pissed off and disappointed. So if I change the way parents look at it and I change the way I look at it, I don't expect my kids to have perfect behavior all the time.

Yes, if you change your expectations, then you would have fewer feelings about it.

Yes, look at that. So, uh, when Lily's having all of her feelings like her mother I can, can change the way I'm looking at this problem.

Yes.

And I can say, you know what, you have big feelings too. You can relate to this.

Oh, that's a good one because that'll help you be more understanding and take the focus off of you being annoyed that she's having those feelings. That when you have those feelings, you don't want us to be annoyed at you having your feelings.

No, I totally understand why you want me to move past the feelings. Um, we could talk about that too, but I could think about the fact that Lily is having a hard time and I need to help her. And if I view the problem in a different way, then I'm less angry and reactive and can help to problem solve more effectively.

Yes.

Right. Or maybe there's not even a problem depending on how I change my perspective.

For sure.

Okay. Number 3, accept and tolerate it, says Leslie.

In the particular problem we were talking about, there was no acceptance or tolerating it. Had to be fixed, or the problem— the part needed to be there, or the problem would just keep getting worse and worse and worse.

Sometimes you have to solve the problem.

Yes.

Um, or you will make it worse.

Or we would have not been able to use our thing.

Oh my God, Seth.

What?

So accepting and tolerating the problem. The first thing that came to my head, and again, maybe Seth has a better example, was my son coming home last year and telling me he had lunch at 10 o'clock in the morning. That was the first thing that came to me for this example. And I was like, this is crap. He's not going to eat lunch at 10 o'clock in the morning. Like, we need to fix this. We need to make some phone calls and fix this.

Look at that, you moved to problem solving. I—

and I don't always stay stuck in my feelings. You see, I was ready.

Yes, you were very resourceful.

Maybe when it comes to my kids, uh-huh. Maybe when it comes to my kids, you are much better at it than when it comes to me. Yes. Interesting observation.

You might want to look into that yourself.

Okay, we need to talk about that. That is very interesting. So I said to Max, do you want to talk to your counselor and change your schedule? Do you want me to? What do you want to do about this? And he was like, ah, leave it. I use it as a study hall. I'm not hungry. No big deal. I'll eat in my classes if I'm hungry. So he accepted it. He tolerated it. He made it through the year. It was fine. Yes. Okay. If we have a problem, we can also do nothing. We can do absolutely nothing.

And Denial is a great place to visit.

I have been there, done it.

RoboBus. Yes. Got the t-shirt.

Um, got the t-shirt. Uh, wasn't a good situation in my life. I did nothing about it for years, for years. Sometimes we just do nothing about a problem. Okay.

And sometimes the fear of the unknown is worse than the pain of the known that is negative that we're experiencing.

Yeah. I mean, I'm even thinking about, you know, we're talking about a relationship. I'm moving to weight, even weight. Like maybe you want to be a healthier weight, but you do nothing about it. Or maybe you do number 5 and you make things worse. And you eat your carbs and you just keep going up in the weight scale. So there's so many ways to respond to a problem. And Leslie really helped me to see that. And I felt like when I have a problem now, I can be more clear on how do I respond to this? And it is how I'm responding to this helping.

Yes.

Is it making it worse? Is it doing nothing? Is it making it better? Because we want to make it better. So if we start to pay attention to how we address problems and what our patterns are, we can start to tweak them and do better. Like writing this blog and talking about it is making me realize that I can really stay in my feelings too long. And does that— where was— where does that fall? Is that the change the way I'm looking at something?

Changing the way you're looking at something would help change the feelings that you're in.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'm just wondering how— and, and is it a gender thing? Like, I don't want to say that it's women because that's generalizing, but I just am trying to figure out how you move so quickly to let's fix it, and I don't get there as fast as you.

It depends on the problem. So that one was very logical. It wasn't a debate. There was a thing that we needed to fix. And we got the— and I moved to getting the thing. There are other problems that might require more opinion as opposed to fact. Um, I try and practice, like, if there's an issue at work, I try and practice that I give myself 30 seconds or 60 seconds or 2 minutes and set a timer and go, you got 2 minutes to be pissed about this, get it all out, and then it's time to move on and work on fixing it.

Do you do that?

Yeah.

How come you have never told me that before?

We never discussed it.

You know, the anxious brain.

I talked about it with— I think I've talked about it with Ella and Max because I think they've asked me.

They've asked you what?

A question like that before. I think I have told them, set a timer, give yourself a set amount of minutes to be upset, and then move. And now it's time to move on and fix it.

Yeah, so that works. I think that works a lot for anxiety. I have heard people say that they say to themselves, you can be anxious for this amount of time. And now then you have to move from that.

I've been doing that in the morning when we get up too early and that causes some anxiety and I try and go back to bed or something. I will say, I'm giving you 15 minutes to relax enough to go to sleep, back to sleep. If that doesn't work, you need to get up and start moving and go work out or do something to make yourself feel better.

I feel so bad.

It's not all your fault.

I think it is all my fault.

Well, let's change the way you're looking at it.

Why are we— okay, so we're identifying the problem.

Yes.

His wife, me, I'm getting up before 6.

Yes. Not intentional.

And it's not intentional. And I can't go back to sleep, so I just get up and start doing my day.

So I need to change the way I look at it and say, this is awesome. If I get up at 6, I get an extra hour plus in my day. I should be— there are people who get up at 5 or 6 on purpose to join the 5 AM club. I should get up and be happy about it. And then I wouldn't have that— would if I immediately got up, start moving, and were excited, that would eliminate that anxious feeling. So I'm gonna do that tomorrow. We just solved the problem, right?

But you need sleep. True, you need to sleep.

So we should have just already gone to bed then.

Oh my gosh, I talked to a woman who's living in Hawaii and talk about facts that you probably didn't know you wanted to know. But she said Hawaii like closes down at 8:30 at night and everyone goes to sleep and gets up at like 5 AM. That's a whole different life, right?

Well, that's because if you're doing business on East Coast hours and their time zone is 6 hours back, you're working the night shift almost.

So what's 8:30 to 5:30 hours-wise? 8— is that 8 hours?

9. Um, 8 to 4:30 is 8 hours.

Okay, that's a good amount of sleep.

Yes.

So that is not our schedule.

It is not. So sometimes our kids aren't home at 8:30.

So Max just got home.

Yep.

And we're gonna, you know, go say goodnight to the girls and wrap things up at home. And by the time we climb in bed, what is it, 10 o'clock? Maybe. So maybe the goal— what is the goal, to go to bed earlier? See, I feel like I'll get up even earlier.

Or maybe, I, I don't know, we'd have to experiment.

We could, we could experiment. We have a problem.

See how it works.

We have a problem. We need to talk about our options, how to solve it, and we need to even pick something, and then we need to evaluate how it's going.

Get up earlier, go to bed earlier, suck it up and deal, find a different way to look at it and be happy about it.

So if I get up and I go straight downstairs. Will you be able to sleep?

I don't know. Let's try it. Maybe it's the you showering, getting dressed, and all that stuff that wakes me up.

So are you hearing me get out of bed, or are you hearing me in the shower?

I don't remember. We're gonna find out tomorrow.

Okay, see, we'll let you know how it goes.

We're gonna see what—

we're gonna see what's up. Well, I would love to hear from you. Tell us how you tend to solve problems. Tell us if you are like Seth, are you like me, or are you a third option? Thank you, Leslie, for, for talking to me. I loved talking to you and learning from you. And I loved learning about how we respond to problems. That was really fun. And I'm going to be a better problem solver because of Leslie. Yay. Well, we'll find out.

I have faith in you.

I can do it.

You can do it.

I can do it. I can use my Fabulous coping skills to move out of my feelings right into problem solving.

Yes. Or keep your feelings, but just give them a time limit.

I like that. Or how about this? How about this? How about this for some therapy? I'm going to feel my feelings because we want to feel them.

Yes.

I'm going to accept my feelings.

Okay.

And I'm gonna say, you know, acknowledge what's going on. I'm upset. I acknowledge that I'm upset. Now, what are you going to do about it so that you're less upset?

Because what—

because what— what are you gonna do about it so that you'll be less upset? Because the problem will be solved. Because once problems are solved, we're not upset anymore.

Certainly not as much.

So anyways, that's awesome.

I love that.

Thank you for helping me through problem solving, honey. Yes, you are the problem-solving master.

I don't know about that, but thank you.

You allow me to me because you are you. And that's how this works.

It has taken me a long time to figure out that you are you and I should not try and make you me. And I still haven't mastered it, but I am much better at it.

Well, we're accepting. I think we accept each other for who we are. And we also both always want to improve.

Yes, those are both true.

So if something is bothering you, I'm not like, deal with it. I'm like, okay, what am I going to do about it?

Yes.

And you're very good at that.

Yes.

And I appreciate that. Thank you. Okay. So I hope that you're a good problem solver. I hope that you will take something away from this and share with us.

Yes.

I hope you will listen to the podcast on Friday. I have Mel Hashi. I looked up her name. I should remember it. I think it's Hashi. I loved talking to her. She moved her family from Western New York to Colorado. Crazy, mind-blowing. And she learned a lot along the way that she shared with me. And I loved her journey. I loved learning from her and her family. You're gonna love her. Listen to the podcast. And I would love you to comment on it. Review it, share it, and share it with someone that you think would benefit from it. I would so appreciate it.

Share with all moms.

Share it with all the moms. Do you have anything else you want to share?

That I love you.

Aw, thank you for doing this with me every week.

My pleasure.

It's a little therapy session for us.

I love it.

And we both learn stuff.

We do.

So have a wonderful week.

Yes. Thank you for watching Whiny Palooza Wednesday with the Greene family.

Thank you for tuning in to the Winey Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode.

While you are there, leave a review.

I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time.

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