Episode 289: The 10% I Did Wrong

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No need to whine and whine. Welcome to the Whiny Palooza podcast.

I'm your host, Rebecca Greene. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family.

Hello everyone, happy Winey Palooza Wednesday!

Hello, Ninjawarnis! Winey Palooza! Is that a no?

You do not have to sing, but you're very sweet. I'm trying to get a good frame.

I'm not fabulous.

It's not me, it's the background. It's the background driving me crazy, but we'll fix that next time. Okay, so hello everyone, how are you doing? How is your week going? Is it— is— are you recovering from Halloween? Tell us how your Halloween was. And are you checking to see if we are live?

We're live, we're live. I'm checking all the places.

Checking all the places. We are live in multiple places. We are live in the Winey Clues and Mom group. And on my personal page and on my Winey Palooza Parenting and Marriage page. Did you go to Parenting and Marriage?

I'm doing it now.

So if you are on the Winey Palooza, if you are on the Winey Palooza fan page, if you are one of the one— if you are one of the wonderful 18,000 people who liked the Winey Palooza fan page, we have switched.

Oops, there's a new page, Parenting and Marriage. Make sure to like, follow us, follow her over there.

Yeah. Anyways, so it has been absolute madness. October was insane, wouldn't you say? That is what this blog should have been called— October Was Insane. Okay, we made it through October. Give me five.

Five.

We had amazing teamwork in October.

Lots of stuff.

Lots of stuff. We have three busy children. Yes, and some busy parents. And some busy parents. So I want to hear how your October was. I want to hear how your Halloween was. I think it's hysterical that Ella had a chorus concert tonight, the day after Halloween. That doesn't seem like a good night to me.

And the soccer team had a playoff game on Halloween.

Oh my gosh. So my friends came over to trick-or-treat with us. And one of my friends was like, oh yeah, my son is playing at 7:30 tonight. So they went trick-or-treating with us. And then they went to go check out the playoff game. Who has a playoff game on Halloween?

I don't know.

I guess once you're in high school, you probably care less. You probably care less about Halloween. So we got through Halloween, we got through the plays, our weekend was crazy. We had Ella had 3 plays and Lily had 2 cheerleading competitions.

All we needed was a partridge in a pear tree.

All we needed was Max to throw in some football games. In fact, Max is at a football game as we sit here. So we went to the chorus concert and here we are to talk about our weekend and the 10% that I did wrong. Because here's what I want to tell you. I am not ripping myself apart. I don't want you to think that I'm being too critical or that I'm ripping myself apart. I want you to know that I spent a lot of time. I was driving home Sunday from the cheerleading competition. I was reflecting on the weekend and I was thinking about all of the 90% of things that I did right. I did a lot right. We're going to talk about what I did right. But I really like to learn and grow as a person from what I do wrong. I'd like to grow from what I do right, but I think I grow more from what I do wrong.

Yes, it is easier to learn from failure.

Okay, so let's start with Friday night, Seth.

Yes.

We did amazing. We got Lily to a birthday party. We got Ella to her show. We went to her show. Oh, who loved reading this?

Let's see who's commenting. That is Suzanne. Oh no, hang on.

So if you don't know, I did write about this topic at wineinclusa.com. So you can go read it. And now we're going to talk about it.

Yes. The extra bonus content.

So somebody loves reading it. So whoever you are, thank you for reading it.

That was Mrs. Paulzak.

She read it. Oh, Mrs. Paulzak, thank you.

Uh, what?

Oh, Lily told me something today. I'm gonna, I'm gonna message you privately after this. She gave me the best gift idea for Seth, and she got it from you.

So now I'm interested.

Yep, not gonna tell you.

All right then. I love the crowdsourcing.

Well, Lily brought it up in the car, and I was like, oh, that's brilliant for your father. So I'm gonna message.

Happy Hanukkah to me.

Message Mrs. Paulsek.

So, Friday night was great. We got— I can't—

Joanne says, I can't believe you do so much.

Amazing, Joanne.

We're gonna get through the list.

It's kind of— Joanne, thank the Lord, thank you, Seth, that I don't have a full-time job because I don't know how I would do it.

How do you—

how would you fit it in?

To all the mothers and fathers who have full-time jobs, I take my hat off for you. I don't want it right now.

I don't know if I ever That's a whole nother story.

So Friday night was great. Play was great. We saw the play.

Ella did great.

Ella did the birthday party. We took Ella to a cast party. Oh, she loves—

Love your top.

Oh, she loves my top.

Top, top, top. Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, Sandy.

So Friday night went well. And then Saturday morning, I had the brilliant idea to first go to Wegmans and start cooking for the cast because she volunteered to help with the cast dinner in between shows. Well, but for somebody who had— if I just had the shows, it would have been easy. But for somebody who also had to, to balance in the cheerleading, that was long days. I did not have time to cook. So, so lesson number one, in retrospect, I didn't think clearly is I fit in cooking when I could have just bought stuff to bring.

Like, that would have been much easier.

Like, I signed up for fruit and I signed up for, for taco meat.

Like, just the fruit.

I didn't have time to cook. So by the time I cooked and I'm helping Ella get ready for her show, and I walk into Lily's bedroom and she's on the phone at her vanity doing her makeup in her pajamas, and I like I was like gone.

Yes, and not a good moment.

So I was just trying to fit in too much, and the fact that they had to be at the same— at different places, different same time, and they both needed makeup and they both needed stuff. And so in retrospect, I probably should have given a time for Lily to be ready, but that doesn't always help. She needs gentle reminders. It can't—

lots of time.

It can't— she needs lots of time. How much time does she need to put on makeup? I am 47 years old. It takes me 5 minutes. If you do makeup and skincare, tell me how long it takes you. I know I'm not taking enough time for myself. It literally takes me 5 minutes. I mean, if I'm really going slow, maybe 10, but I don't think so. I think it takes me 5 minutes. So she's still working on her makeup. She's 11 years old. You don't need makeup. And why are you wearing pajamas? So I'm like, we have to go, which triggered her.

So she hates to be rushed.

None of us like to be rushed. I don't like to be rushed. Lily doesn't like to be rushed. I gotta learn from this, and I have to— when I feel like I'm rushing, I have to slow my breathing and take a moment because if I escalate the rushing, Lily and I escalate.

Yes.

I have to slow myself down so that I don't escalate Lily.

Then it just goes downhill fast.

It went downhill fast. And in retrospect, you know, hindsight is 20/20. I should have asked about the pajama pants. She was all dressed. She put on pajama pants because she was cold.

So we didn't know she was dressed. She was hiding it under her pajamas. Which meant Rebecca thought she wasn't dressed and was mad going, we gotta be somewhere, we gotta go, and you're not even dressed. And after like the second or third time this happened, Lily was like, yes I am, and pulled down her pajama pants to show that she was dressed under that. And we were like, oh dear Lord, why didn't you tell us that?

Well, because I was too mad.

Yeah, she wasn't resourceful enough to go, look, I am dressed.

Ah, look at me, I have to just slow my breathing as I'm talking about it. So Seth, so I'm gonna tell you what I should have done.

I did wrong.

I'm gonna tell you the 10% Seth did wrong. He walks up the stairs and I'm going to tell you what Seth said. He said, and I quote, 'Stop yelling.' That's how he helped.

Well, all you do is— that's good. When you get upset, she just gets more upset, and all you were doing was escalating. Like, if you had just stopped, she could have started to de-escalate. I should have handled it better. But factually I was correct. Emotionally, it was wrong for what you needed at the time, and I know that now.

Okay, ladies, if anyone ever tells you to stop yelling, don't be mad, don't be mad, stop yelling— you hear the advice, does it work? Because it doesn't work. It actually makes me angrier, and I had to like—

yeah, now you're mad.

Like, now I'm mad at Seth.

So what I should have done and what Seth should have done. And Seth did this the next day, so we'll talk about the next day. I have to tag in Seth before I get mad.

Yeah.

So when I opened Lily's door, saw her on the phone, saw her doing her makeup, saw her in her pajamas, when we have to leave, that is when I needed to go downstairs and say, I need a moment. Go tell your daughter to get her butt moving.

Joanne says she can relate. Yes, well, because when you finally did leave the situation and I did talk to Lily without you, the first thing she said was, no, I'm dressed under my pajamas, I'm good. And I was like, oh well, you could have just told your mother that, it would have made it better.

So I made a negative assumption, and we can't make negative assumptions. We have to ask questions. And this goes with Seth too. Yeah, there have been so many times that I've gotten mad at Seth and made a negative assumption that was wrong. This is being recorded, so I have—

I got this on tape.

I have to ask questions. I have to ask questions. Don't jump to conclusions. Don't make negative assumptions. Ask questions. Don't assume I know something. So, so I leave and we rush to the car, and that is when, ladies, and gentlemen, we need to reset. We need to reset as many times as we need to reset during the day. And I needed to reset, so I didn't. We talked about it in the car. I didn't yell. I—

in the car—

I didn't yell in the car.

I yelled in the bedroom. I was like, we have to leave.

Okay, we won't— we won't redo that. Um, so I didn't yell in the car. I talked to her about like, like, we need to be on time. We gotta move. We gotta move it. She's not one to like— like, I'm fast and urgent, but in general she's methodical about things, right?

She doesn't like to rush. She takes her time, which is probably better for her mental health.

Oh my God, it's so much better to be like Lily. Be like Lily. Yeah, just know that there's people in your life like me who are fast.

You gotta go, we gotta go.

I want to get things done fast and yesterday. So she's— maybe she's supposed to be slowing me down.

There might be a lesson there.

There might be lots of lessons from Lily.

Lots of lessons.

One of your greatest teachers.

She is. We've talked about this. So we're in the car and I'm rushing to cheerleading and I'm rushing to the line to get her there on time. And we were on time, but I drive us crazy to be on time. And I needed to slow my breathing and slow down and reset before I raced there because that wasn't good for me. So I'm just learning from the 10% that I did wrong this weekend. So the cheerleading competition was amazing. We came home, we had dinner, we went to the show. The second— the third show was amazing. We got Ella to the second cast party and she had fun. She had a crazy busy wonderful weekend. And then Sunday, of course, we're all completely exhausted, including Lily. And we have another cheerleading competition. Yes, back to back. And I am like, you know, the self-talk was on point on Sunday. And I was like, I'm going to stay calm. It doesn't matter what she says. I'm going to be a beacon of peace. I'm going to bring peace.

I like that.

I'm going to bring the calm, steady mother. I'm ready. I'm equipped. I'm prepping myself. And she is in a mood. She is tired. She is cranky. She's giving me a hard time about her hair. I think I had to do two French braids. And it wasn't tight enough. It wasn't this, it wasn't that. And what was she complaining about? But Seth did it right.

So Seth, I don't always get it right the first time, but I do learn quick.

Well, no, but you do it right more than you do it wrong. You tend to do this. This is what I want to tell you. You were like, your mother works so hard, be nice to her.

Yes.

That makes me feel loved. That makes me feel supported. When you say stop yelling, I'm like thinking to myself, did he see the 50 things that I did today? And then I'm trying to hold it together. And then I need him to help me.

And this is what he comes upstairs and says.

That's not accurate. I'm at a higher volume.

I—

well, well, I, I left the scene. Yes, I left the scene. You have to know, you have to know to put yourself in timeout and don't keep escalating it. Don't escalate it. Don't escalate it at all. When you start to feel yourself getting angry and hot, just leave the scene. The best thing is when you can tag in your partner who might be calm. Yes, I think you were calm.

I was.

Now, Sunday, were you getting uncalm or were you calm?

I was getting a little bit uncalm because he was being firm with Lily.

It's like, it's like bad cop, good cop in this house, and I was the good cop, he was the bad cop.

You were the bad cop on Saturday, you were the good cop on Sunday.

We switched roles. And I was like, I was like, it doesn't matter how sassy she is. I am not escalating. I was like challenging myself, do it, challenge yourself. I was like, I'm going to challenge myself. I am not going to get upset with her. Did I want to get upset with her? Yes. I, but I also was telling myself things I think that when we understand and have empathy, we feel very different. Because Saturday was all about being on time. And Sunday, Seth was like, in rare form, because he was like, I am not doing that again. What do you— he was like, what do you need to not do that again? And I was like, this is easy. Ella doesn't have to be at a show. She doesn't need her hair done. She doesn't need her makeup done. This is all about Lily. This is easy.

Easier.

Easier.

Well, she didn't make it easy.

She didn't make it easy at all. But I was like in the empathic place of she is exhausted. We went nonstop yesterday. And after the cheerleading competition, what we probably should have done in retrospect— see, hindsight is 20/20— we should have had Max stay home with Lily and let her rest. Yes, because she needed rest. But what we did do was we had them come to the play because we wanted them to support Ella.

Yeah.

And Lily really needed to rest. Yeah, so the nonstop day led to the cranky child that I tried to stay calm for. You succeeded pretty much. I was able to stay calm for because I had empathy for her because I knew how tired she was.

And you didn't have something else to do at the exact same time. And I was more supportive.

And I didn't make negative assumptions.

Also true. We knew that the cheer outfit was on under the pajamas.

So what did we do after the competition? Were we done? Was that our weekend?

Are you asking me?

Yeah, I'm trying.

Sunday we did the— yeah, because we got home at like— was like they were an hour behind. We got home at like 7 o'clock at night.

7 o'clock!

Oh my God. Well, they won. Yes, it was fantastic, but they were like an hour behind.

Yes.

So let's talk about what we did right and let's celebrate that.

All right.

Okay, we supported each other.

Yes. Most of the time you are. I, I supported you except for the one time I messed up, and other than that, I, I was gonna— I would— I did not feel unsupported by you. It wasn't about me.

Well, but we also did a good job of like communicating of who was going where.

You were a logistical master of telling me when to be there with— when to be where with which kid and when to deliver what thing to what, like food to what place. You did fabulous.

And our kids supported each other because Max and Lily went to the play.

Yes.

And Ella came to Lily's competition.

Yep.

And Ella probably should have stayed home and rested.

Yep.

See, I mean, we're not going to do everything right, people. We're doing our best. And when we look back at things, I mean, like, I guess I'm trying to say, when stuff happens, take a moment to reflect what went right, what didn't go right.

Yeah.

What do you What do you want to continue and what do you want to do differently? So I want to continue supporting each other.

I will try to not say stop yelling.

I love when you and I support each other, but I love when our kids support each other.

Yes.

And it's very challenging because I want our kids to rest. So I don't want them to feel like they have to go nonstop. And Max is really good. It's not that I don't want Max to come to the girls' stuff, but he's really good at being like, I have a lot of homework.

Work, right?

Or I have to study, or, you know, I need, I need sleep, Mom. Like, he's good at, he's good at coming, and he's also good at like setting those boundaries, protecting himself, protecting himself, okay, from those crazy parents who would make him go to everything non-stop. Not necessarily.

Well, a lot of things, a lot more things, a lot more things than he goes to.

That's true, because he's never been to a cheerleading competition.

I can't believe he's missing out.

Well, so I said to him, are you going to come to the last one? And you know what he said?

I'm sure he said no.

He said nope. Okay, so Lily and her team just like killed it all weekend. First place, first place. Amazing. Ella and her cast killed it. I mean, awesome shows. Very, very sad but awesome performance.

The plot of the show was very sad.

Yes, thank you for clarifying.

Acting was very good.

I got to both competitions on time and found where to go.

Which is a feat all by itself in these maze of trying to find the gym in the right building and all that place.

So I said to one of the— so I walked in with one of the other cheer moms who's a lot more experienced than me. And she's done this competition before. And I was like, I have no idea where to go. I'm going to follow you. Like, use your supports. Yes, I used my supports. I talked to the grandparents and I said, we can't go to every show. Can you go to some shows?

So that shows we can't go, we wanted to organize it.

So Ella had people at every show. And we, we had spread out the fan club, we had teamwork with the supports, and it worked out. And we got them to their parties, we got them to their stuff. Yes, we, we got to everything on time, which is crazy. Um, I kept it together most of the time, and I had good self-talk most of the time.

Yes.

Um, I'm standing there at UB thinking that UB is huge and the alumni is huge, so there was going to be tons of seating and there was going to be no issues. Well, guess what? I was completely wrong.

They did not have the entire arena open.

It was packed. So I don't know if Kimberly is going to watch this, but my friend sees me taking Lily to her team and says hello, and I walk by her and say hello to her and her family. And I'm standing in the back and I'm like, oh, I gotta try to fight all these people to get seats because the session was ending and people were leaving.

And one age group was leaving and the next age group was coming.

And, and talk about using your supports and your friends being wonderful. She texted me and she was like, we're leaving, you know, her, her section is over. Come and take all of our seats.

Front row seats.

Front row seats. And I was like, I'm going to go to the right because Lily's on the right. Well, no, I texted her back and I said, I can't, I can't fight these people for the right. I'm going to go to the left. It'll be fine. We will see her and it's front row. And Kimberly's wonderful. And our friends are wonderful. And yeah, so what can I work on for next time? So don't jump to conclusions. Don't make negative assumptions. I am going to ask more questions, especially to this man sitting behind me. I think I've gotten better. I used to be a lot more hotheaded. Yes. And come along, and I'm realizing that if I think first before I speak, which is hard for an extrovert, I get a lot further in life.

Very true.

Give Lily a specific time for leaving. Give her warnings, but be super gentle about it, like just like gentle reminders.

In an hour we gotta go, you know.

In an hour, I'm hoping we're gonna leave.

Hey, half an hour left. Tick, tick, tick, tick.

It doesn't always work, right?

But it's better than the alternative.

Tell Seth what is helpful. It is helpful.

Give me directions.

It is helpful to me, number one, for me to tag you in.

Yes.

And leave. And, and for you to not escalate it, for you to stay calm, which you, which you are capable of, very capable of. And number two is when you say things like Your mother is working so hard. Be nice to her. She works hard for you. That makes me feel the love.

I can do that.

I love when you say that.

I can do that.

I told myself I need to tag you in more quickly.

Give me my lines and I'll give them to you.

I need to take the time to reset multiple times in the day.

As many as it takes. There's no limit.

There's no limit on resetting.

You could reset 27 times and that's okay.

And I am not beating myself up when I'm resetting. That's part of the trick.

Yeah, that'll just defeat the purpose.

And I'm only saying that because I used to do that. I used to be resetting while beating myself up, which doesn't make you feel better. Don't expect any of us to behave perfectly. I think if you listened to my vlog last week about cheerleading, which actually went live on the podcast today, I talked about how the best thing that happened was that Lily's team made mistakes and still took first place. And that was a huge lesson for Lily, me, and the whole team to see that we really do not have to be perfect. Does it help get you more points in general? Yes, but it's hard to be perfect. So don't expect my husband or my kids to be perfect. Put Lily to bed a decent time the night before a competition. That was part of the problem is she could sleep in, so we let her stay up late.

And you need to go to bed early and sleep in.

Yes, but I'm really smart after the fact.

You got it now.

Leave the room when I'm feeling hotheaded and know that the trigger for me is rushing. Rushing is always my trigger to, to lose my cool because I put way too much emphasis on being on time. And I tell Max all the time, I am so much more about you being safe than you being on time.

Yeah, drive slow.

So as I'm telling my son that over and over again, it is sinking into me too. And we need to be safe, and our mental health needs to be safe, and our driving needs to be safe. And that is so much more important than being places on time.

Yep.

So, whoo, that was a weekend.

It was.

I was great most of the time. Yes. And then went into Halloween and then went into a chorus concert.

And you're doing great.

And maybe tomorrow night I could stay home.

I think that would be an excellent idea.

Wouldn't that be lovely?

So I learned a lot. I'm gonna grow from, from all of, all of my mistakes. And I just wanted to share with you because I think a lot of you can relate. And I would love to hear your tips. I would love to hear your takeaways, what you related to. And I would love to hear what you do to keep yourself calm when you're rushing. If it's like the slowing the breathing, the taking a moment for yourself, I would love to hear from you. And okay, this Friday I looked it up. Brianne Hudak is on the podcast and she— what is that awesome title that she came up with? Unleashing The, um, ah, what's the title she came up with? She came up with such a good title about unleashing your child's potential at school, I think. Something like that. She has a ton of educational background, uh, assistant principal and getting her PhD, and she has so much stuff going on, and she's done so much great work in the educational field, and she taught me a lot. She'll teach you a lot. So I hope you will listen. I hope you will share it with somebody who could benefit from it. And I hope you will share this with someone who could benefit from it and learn from it and relate to it. And when you comment, share, like, subscribe, rate, it all increases going out to more mothers. Yes, which is the goal.

Help all the moms.

So let's help all the moms, one mom at a time.

Yes, no mom left behind.

Where the heck did that come from?

Uh, let's see. Joanne says, what is the podcast?

Oh, you know what, I should probably tell people that. Thank you for sharing with us every week. Do you know who that is?

I will find out.

It might be Mrs. Paul Zach, I'm not sure. Um, so Joanne, the podcast is the Whiny Palooza podcast. And the website is whineypalooza.com where all of my blogs go. And yeah, so when you rate and comment on the podcast, then they send it out to more mothers. So I'm learning all of this. I don't know a ton about the world of podcasts and blogs. Seth knows more than me. So you should be teaching them.

Okay, I'll get on that. I can't find who wrote that comment.

It might have been Mrs. Paulzak. So thank you for joining us.

I hope it is Mrs. Paulzak. You're right.

I hope that your week— I hope that you're recovering from Halloween, that your week is going well, and I look forward to getting to talk to you again next week.

Thank you for watching Winey Palooza Wednesday with the Greene family.

I forgot something. I forgot something.

What'd you forget?

The Winey Palooza Mom Group on Facebook. Our November challenge started today. Come and find us. We support each other, give each other advice, talk about our struggles, and we will give prizes to the challenge winners.

Yeah.

Okay. See you next week. Thank you, everyone.

Thanks, everybody.

Thank you for tuning in to the Winey Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, Please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time.

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