Episode 307: Ask Me Anything

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No need to whine and cry. The Winey Palooza! Have some wine and join us on the Winey Palooza podcast with Rebecca Greene.

Welcome to the Winey Palooza podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Greene. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family.

Happy Winey Palooza Wednesday. Having trouble remembering what day it is this week, but obviously we're here. That means it's Wednesday.

Welcome to Ask Me Anything.

So I did Ask Me Questions a while back and I had so much fun with your questions that I decided it was time to bring it back and to say, ask me anything. And obviously I would prefer for it to have to do with parenting and marriage, but I was flexible to see what I got. And you know, I'm all about helping women feel empowered and in charge of their life and doing well and succeeding. So I was open to lots of topics and I was very curious. And the most common theme was marital questions. So that is leading me to the fact that I made note that I'm going to do more stuff on marriage because there seems to be— Tanner wants to join us today. Seems to be a need for that.

Tanner has questions.

So our I got a lot of questions. We're not going to get to all of the questions, so I apologize. I am also going to post my blog. I did not post my blog yet, but after hours and hours of going through your questions and answering them, I do have stuff written out that I will also post at whinypluzik.com for you to check out if you want to see my specific nitty-gritty answers. Because I'm probably not gonna get into as many details tonight because of time. So what is our first question?

I will be your moderator this evening. How can I peacefully, this one was a parenting one. How can I peacefully, peacefully explain to teens that social media and gaming time needs to be limited or controlled?

And I loved this question for so many reasons. I interviewed a social media expert recently. So you guys are gonna love that podcast when it comes out. And I had all of her information fresh in my mind when I got this question. And I think this pertains to all of us. Most of our kids, if your kids are not on social media and they're not on technology and they're not gaming, round of applause to you.

Yeah, I wanna know how you did that.

Some people just don't allow it. And I do know people who don't allow it and they have good reasons for it. Sure. I commend you. I applaud you. I would say most of us are allowing our kids to be on social media and to game.

Yes.

So as far as limiting it, I think that when— is it teenagers? Was it teenagers?

Yes, teenagers.

When talking to your teens or your kids, we want to give them— I think we want to give them reasons. We don't want them to think it's just like some lame parent, "I said so, so listen." No, I want them to know, you know, my kids are really smart. And when I give them the reasons, even if they resist, they know that I'm right.

Or they know there's a reason behind it that they might disagree with.

Maybe we're concerned about their sleep. Maybe we're concerned about their face-to-face contact with friends. Maybe we are concerned about their physical health because they're sitting too much, their mental health because they're getting depressed because they're home too much and they're gaming too much, and maybe we're just concerned that it's too much time on the computer and not enough time off of the computer doing other things. So we want to explain to them, what are your reasons for wanting to limit it? And then we want to be clear and specific with our kids. I expect everybody to go to sleep and not stay up gaming all night. I know that some kids sneak gaming at night, and one of the things that the small social media expert, um, said to me was that we should be charging devices in our bedroom. Now, we don't have an issue. Our children, to our knowledge, are not sneaking their devices in the middle of the night. They're actually sleeping. If you suspect or find out that your kids are up at 2, 3 AM gaming or talking to friends, then you need to be charging their devices in your bedroom. So you're going to explain your reasons, you're going to be calm about it, you're going to pick a good time when your child is calm about it, you're going to be specific and clear with your expectations, and you're going to be flexible. Things change. You might need to negotiate, and you want to lead by example. If I'm on my phone all the time, that's a terrible example. I need to leave my phone in the kitchen during dinner. I need to— if I'm, if I am giving them limitations around social media, I need to be giving myself limitations around social media.

Be the change you want to see.

Anything else you want to add to that?

I think you nailed it.

I think that was like the perfect parenting question for 2024.

For sure. All right, now on to marriage. 80% of divorces are launched by— launched is an interesting word— 80% of divorces are initiated by unhappy women. What can we do to reduce these failures?

I was so blown away by this person's question that I had to look it up. Because I couldn't believe the data. And I was like, where is this person getting their data? And I did a deep dive on a lot of these questions. The data that I found is that 70% of divorces are initiated by women, which is very close and very huge, and I had no idea. So, to— how do you increase marital happiness and decrease divorce? I did a fun deep dive because I love marriage. I love the topic of marriage. So what are the key components to prevent divorce and have a happy marriage? Uh, the one that comes up in any single article that you read or any single therapist that you talk to is communication. It always comes down to communication, and we want to be listening to each other. We want to be expressing our feelings and not stuffing them. I think that I have said this before, I get concerned when couples tell me that they don't fight because to me that's an indicator of a lot of stuffing of feelings. So I think that you want to fight constructively and calmly, but I think you want to be expressing yourself and you want to be listening to each other and respecting each other and trusting each other. Um, intimacy is a key factor in marital happiness, and, and what it said is I don't know if you know this, but intimacy is physical, spiritual, intellectual, emotional, and sexual. Did you know that?

I did know there were different types of intimacy. You and I have had conversations about our emotional intimacy.

I don't think that I realized the list of types of intimacy.

Got it.

So I learned something. Appreciation of each other, commitment to each other, time, making time for each other, quality time, and supporting each other. And I think commitment to each other is is huge because I heard in my— I didn't hear, I read in my book, somebody is getting married in my book and they said, well, if it doesn't work out, we'll just get divorced. And I had to read that sentence over again because we did not go into this marriage with that attitude. We went into this marriage thinking that it was for life. So when you get married, you want to commit to the person and that increases your satisfaction and decreases your chance of divorce.

I'm going to disagree with you on one thing. I did not go into this marriage thinking it was for life. I went in thinking it was forever. So I'm looking forward to being married to you in the next lifetime as well.

Oh, that's so sweet. Love it. Okay, next question.

Next question. Um, why are young men increasingly shying away from marriages and serious relationships? So I did not know this was going on.

I'm not—

we're not dating in our, you know, teenage— we're not 20.

We're not in the dating world. And like I said, I did a deep dive on these questions because some of these questions— not what I expected. These questions were— most of them were not what I expected. So why are young men shying away from marriages and serious relationships? I had to look that up and see if it was actually true. I could have guessed why, but first I wanted to make sure that that was actually true. And I think that the sad part of this is in 2024, life looks really different, and women don't need men the same way that we used to. Okay, so they're working, they're independent. Right?

I mean, that isn't— to me, that's not 2024 versus 2020.

Well, there was— I think it's increasingly— I think that women and careers is increasing, and women needing men for money continues to decrease. So societal changes is one of the biggest reasons that that came up. Men don't feel as needed.

Okay, I did not know that.

So if men don't feel as needed there's not as much of a hurry to get married. Does that make sense to you?

I thought the women were either— my guess would have been the women are getting pickier, or the guys are emotionally scarred, or he's still in his parents' basement, he moved back in after college and he's gaming at 3 in the morning and not going on a date.

Well, you're asking— we're not talking about the reasons why the women aren't getting married.

That's true.

They're asking why the men aren't getting married. So the men aren't getting married because they're feeling less needed by the women.

I did not know that.

Also, past experiences. Maybe they're scarred by a relationship. What else did I find in my deep dive? Fears. Fears of commitment, fears of marriage, fears of providing, focused on their own goals and their own career. They're not focused on marriage and emotional maturity. Maturity. They don't have the emotional maturity or the emotional readiness to get married. Okay. So I liked learning about this topic. I had all my— when I got that question, I had all my guesses and I was pretty spot on. I didn't think about the fact that men don't feel as needed.

I would not have thought of that.

I certainly need you.

I need you.

In lots of ways. Yes. Yes.

All right. Oh, this is a serious— this is a really serious one. Are there specific examples when divorce is the only healthy answer?

Well, as somebody who's very pro-marriage, I'm not going to say that divorce is never the answer. I think divorce is 100% the answer in certain situations. And the obvious situation is abuse. I mean, if you're being physically, emotionally, verbally abused, You don't deserve that. So abuse was like flashing at me. I'm going to mention infidelity, but I'm going to give a caveat with that. Is that the right word, Seth? Yeah. Because if somebody makes a mistake and they feel bad for that mistake and they make up for that mistake, I don't think that you're likely to get divorced. But if the person is a perpetual cheater and they continuously cheat and it's not like a short-term thing, that does not sound like a healthy way to live. So I think infidelity can lead to divorce. I think I forgot to look up the research, but I think what I remember from back in the day of doing research is that it doesn't usually lead to divorce. But sure, it's a good reason. Another thing that you don't deserve Addiction— if the person has a severe addiction problem and they're not getting help and they don't want help and they're not working on it, you don't deserve that either. Financial issues is huge because what if somebody— this is an extreme example— but what if somebody has a gambling problem and is gambling away all of your money? What if somebody has no regard for saving any money and just spends away all of your money and constantly puts you into debt? Um, I'm trying to think of other money reasons.

I think— I don't remember what the stat is, but there's a good percentage. I think it was a survey of women who were— and that I had read— women who had initiated a divorce. And one of the top reasons given was communication conflict around money. They don't know how to talk to each other about money. They fight about money, and that was their biggest fight.

I don't think that that's I don't think that's grounds for divorce. I think that's grounds for counseling and working through. I think there are so many issues that you can work through, but I think that the ones that I'm listing are grounds for divorce. But that's just my opinion, right? Everybody has their own opinion. But I do think that there are reasons for divorce. And the last reason that I wanted to mention is mental health issues, because if somebody is working on themselves, that is a totally different situation. Have some grace and understanding and compassion and support for them. But if somebody is not working on themselves and is, you know, one example that's just coming to my head is they're severely depressed and they lay on the couch every day and they don't want any help. How is that a way for someone to live? Like, you shouldn't be stuck with that. I mean, Is marriage for better or worse? Is marriage in sickness and health? Yes. However, both parties have to work on things. If you're going to throw in the towel and just sleep on the couch every day, that's not a marriage.

All right. Um, we have a Korean daughter who is now 34, but we made some mistakes along the way. She's an awesome child, master's degree and married, but we should have taken not adoption classes, but foreign adoption classes. We have no regrets, but we wonder if we should have made her more involved in her own culture.

So what a cool different question for me.

Yeah, that's not an everyday parenting or marriage question.

And I had an automatic response for this wonderful person. First of all, I love that they're thinking about this. We know we can't go back, we can't change anything. However, it is never ever too late for pretty much anything. And I personally would tell her how you're feeling. Tell her that you might have some regrets around this and that you probably provided her with an amazing life and she's probably really happy, but you have some thoughts on things that maybe— I think every single parent will tell you that when their children are 34, they're going to look back and say, hmm, I wonder if I should have done this differently.

I do that today.

Right? So that we question. So tell her how you're feeling. See if she agrees. Tell her you would love to start now to explore more with her. Support her in the process and do it together. And I don't care how old she is, you could still do something with your daughter. It's never too late. Ask her if it's something she wants to do. She may say, no, I'm good right now. Maybe in the future. She might say, "Oh, I love that idea. Let's do that together.

But I love that you're thinking about that." How do you make no stick when telling the kids no?

That is an awesome parenting question. Seth is the king of this.

I am?

Uh-oh. Seth is so good at this. So I'm going to give you some really important advice around this question. From my experience, before you say no, I want you to pause and think because a lot of times our automatic response is no, and a lot of times we're going to regret that we didn't think about it first. So before you say no and then want to take it back and change your answer, there is a lovely line that I have learned many times as a parenting therapist that you can say to your child, which is, "I will think about it and get back to you later." You don't have to answer right away.

I like that.

So I think that the biggest thing that parents think is that they're expected to give their child an answer. And I am telling you, if you don't know what your answer is, pause and think about it and tell them you're not sure.

I would think that would work in marital communication too, right?

Oh my God, 100%. I have said to Seth, I was really mad at him the other day. And he was talking to me and I was like, I can't talk to you right now. And he has learned that—

just back off. I'll say, I said, thank you for telling me, I will give you some space. Let me know when you're ready to continue the conversation.

So the progress in that is that back in the day—

oh, I used to freak out when she was like, I can't talk about this right now. That would freak me out more. And I'd want to talk even more and try and push her.

No, no, no, no. Goes deeper than that.

Okay.

I would freak out and not calm myself. And it would go really poorly.

Yes.

So now, not only has Seth learned to back off, when he sees I can't talk, I have learned to take a moment to collect myself and tell me that you can't talk and be aware of that. Yes, we've made, we've made some progress.

We have. All right, speaking of progress—

wait, wait, I didn't finish the no.

Sorry, you're not done.

Okay, so you take some time to think, or so you either take some time to think and say no, or you say no right away. So how do you stick to that answer? The one, one way is to remember why you said no in the first place. So for me, a huge no for me is usually around safety issues. So I might question myself and be like, are you being too harsh? Are you being too strict? And I'll think to myself, no, you're concerned about safety, you have a valid reason. The other way to make it stick is to have some support with you who agrees with you, hopefully, and will help you stick to your answer. So one of the things that Seth is fantastic at is saying to Lily, your mother said no, it's time to back off. And she will keep going and he will say it's time to go upstairs and get away from us because we're both getting upset with you.

So did not do as good a job. I did not do a good job of that yesterday. But I would, I would have liked to.

The majority of the time.

Yes.

The majority of the time.

Yes.

You are very good at being like, she said no, it's time to back off. Yes. Okay, so support, remember why you said it, and take time before you answer.

Awesome. How do you balance compromise with your spouse? Sometimes it feels one-sided.

Oh, another fabulous marital question. So as far as compromise, it is not a compromise if you are giving in. So if I am always giving Seth his way.

That's not happening.

That is not a compromise.

And it's not a compromise. You hate it when I go, fine, you win. And you're like, I didn't want to win.

Okay, so the goal is win-win. So Seth will often say to me, yeah, you win. Like, he doesn't want to deal with it. He doesn't want to deal with the issue. He doesn't want to deal with me. He doesn't like upsetting me. And he's like, but I but I love Seth and I want both of us to be happy. So when you love someone and you're in a marriage with someone, you want— you don't want to always get your way. You want to come up with a win-win situation. So you want to get creative and think of solutions that will make both of you happy. So sit down, have a calm heart-to-heart, talk about whatever the issue is, brainstorm some suggestions and think through what is going to make both of you happy. If you come to a resolution that gives your husband his way over and over again, it's time to talk about that and be like, listen, this solution that we've come up with, it makes you happy. It doesn't make me happy. Let's keep working on this until we can come up with something that makes us both happy. And one of the things that I do, and I think Seth knows this, is I ask other people.

Yes.

So like if we're having an issue about a pool, I start talking to my friends and gathering data and bringing it back to Seth and coming up with something that we're both happy with. So a compromise means that both people are actually happy.

Do you want to do one more? I mean, I'm— we're—

yeah, keep going. All right.

How do you maintain intimacy and closeness with your spouse in everyday situations if you don't go on lots of dates? And you don't have hobbies in common?

Well, in learning more about intimacy, because, you know, I'm fascinated by intimacy, and I think Seth is going to agree with this, I'm realizing that intimacy happens in small moments. And I think that we think that intimacy has to be a big date or something special, but when he holds my hand, when we sit on the couch and talk, like, there's little moments throughout the day that lead to feeling intimate together. And I think that the little things add up to the big things.

Yes, but I'll never turn down a date.

Well, so, so as far as building the intimacy, you want to build things into the day when, when you're both home. So you want to smile at him, look at him, brush his shoulder, hold his hand, ask him questions, and you want to find creative ways to build intimacy all day. And you want to make a plan. So I was thinking about the fact that we are all so busy. We have kids, we have jobs, we have the house, we have errands, we have so much going on. So we want to make a plan. And like, I love when Seth will say So at 8 o'clock, you and me, movie. And he's trying to make a plan to spend some time with me. So he knows we're going to go non-stop. Like, let's say it's a Saturday and the kids have a bunch of stuff, and he's like, okay, we're going to be two ships passing in the night, but at 8 o'clock, you and me, couch, movie. Like, we've got to make a plan, we got to get creative, and we got to build in the little moments whenever both of you are home. You have any more intimacy advice?

That was— yes, little moments add up to big ones. I will wholeheartedly agree with that. And a movie date on the couch does count.

I love movie dates on the couch. Run through— we're going to run through 3 more as quick as I can.

Am I going in order?

Sure. I'm going to try to go faster.

Okay. How do you factor in pets for your family when one spouse doesn't necessarily agree? Is it fair to deny children a pet when animals teach us so much? Are they a big burden or free therapy?

Well, we know pets aren't free. They cost a lot of money. So I think that this is again something to talk calmly about and try to come to a compromise on. Um, I do think that pets are really good for children, however, and obviously I want every house to have a pet. I'm a pet lover, I'm a pet owner, but I love a responsible family who says, I'm not home enough to have a pet. I think that's super responsible. Or a family who knows that they don't have the financial resources for a pet. I do think there's reasons to not get a pet, but if you really want a pet and you need to talk to your spouse about it, I think that one of the things to negotiate is who's doing what. Because Seth was like, you're getting a dog, you're taking care of it. Like, I'm not doing all the stuff. So I think that if we want to talk our spouse into something, we have to be willing to give. And I do think that the mental health benefits of pets are incredible. Okay.

Okay. I struggle with my husband and I almost always being on complete— I struggle with my husband and I almost always being on complete opposite ends when it comes to parenting, household stuff, money. It seems like everything. I'm not exaggerating. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. Parenting and money go hand in hand because teens are expensive. What can I do on my own? He won't go to counseling. He's extremely stubborn and doesn't care to look at others for examples. He grew up very differently than the rest of us, and it's getting worse as he's aging and the boys are getting older. Okay.

It's a really good marital question. It was a lot of marital questions. Biggest topic was marital. And I think that the biggest thing that I want to emphasize is that we don't need our husband to go to counseling with us to make positive changes in our marriage. And I think that's the biggest misconception among women, is that as counselors, we hear from them, I can't get him to go to counseling with me. You don't need to. I think that you focus on yourself, and Seth is gonna jump in if he has anything to disagree with me or add. Add to this, but I think that in all of this stuff that you're saying, focus on yourself. You have no control over him. You can't control how he acts. You can calmly talk to him and have conversations with him when you're both calm. I'm going to tell you that when we are reactive and/or angry, our husbands shut down and don't want to talk to us. From experience. And I think that focus on yourself and what you have control over and what changes you can make to try to positively impact the marriage, because as we change, they change with us. And I would act however you want him to act. So if you're looking for him to be a certain way, give that to him.

Magically comes back to you.

It's amazing how when we change, they change with us. Patience, understanding, calmness, conversation. Positive changes can happen.

Be the change you wish to see in the world.

I love when you say that. Okay, I love this question, so we're going to end with this question.

What would you do differently in marriage and parenting, if at all?

That was a really—

write a book on that.

That was a really fast— and I'm impressed with that question. So my answer for both is the same, and Seth is going to know what my answer is.

I—

if I could change anything, I would be a beacon of calmness. Um, when I went to the chiropractor today, she was like, relax your voice. Like, I am not a relaxed person. I will work on this. I will work on this. This year, um, whether it's meditation, yoga, calming my brain. I am a very energetic, intense, uptight person.

I wouldn't label you uptight, but energetic and intense.

If I could change anything from the moment that I was pregnant with each child until today, I would be a beacon of calmness for them. Our family needs us to be the center of the home and the, and the temperature of the home. And I think that when we are calm, they are calm. And I think they feed off of my energy, and I want to give them a really calm wife and mother. So I work on that every day, and that is the biggest thing that I would change.

That was beautiful.

And it's not that I don't succeed It's that I don't always succeed.

You can always succeed even more.

Is there anything that you would add about what I or you would do differently?

I think your answer is correct for you. Yeah, the only regrets I've got are times when I lost my temper, lost control of my emotions. So yeah, calm is good.

And there are a bunch of more questions and it is late and we need to put our children to bed. But I loved your questions.

Check them out on the blog.

I will post the blog and I will do this again because I was so fascinated by your questions. They were really good questions. Thank you for submitting questions. Thank you for— I'm looking at—

I was going to say, who's on the podcast Friday?

I knew you were going to say that. Oops, who's on the podcast this Friday, honey? Give me 2 seconds.

112. There you go, 112.

Julie Ryan Magoo, Family Dynamics, Identity and Belonging. This was a really cool conversation. You're gonna love Julie. And, um, I'll tell you what, I had a very busy, wonderful day, and I said I was gonna pick winners for the January challenge, and guess who didn't do that? So I will do that. I will post in my group who won the January challenge. Thank you to everybody who did the January challenge. It was so much fun. If you're not in the Whiny Blues and Moms Facebook group, come find me. It's free. It's supportive. It's wonderful. What else? Anything else?

Look for— ask for a subscription. You get a subscription to the Whiny Blues and Parenting newsletter. Comes out parenting and marriage 3 times a week. It's pretty awesome.

How do they get a subscription to the newsletter?

Um, if they post a comment below, I'll give you the link to post tomorrow.

Okay, thank you for joining us. Have a wonderful week.

We'll see you next week.

Bye everyone.

Thank you for tuning in to the Whiny Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time.

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