Episode 329: When your kid throws you a curveball

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No need to whine and whine. Whiny Palooza! Have some wine and join us on the Whiny Palooza Podcast with Rebecca Greene.

Welcome to the Whiny Palooza Podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Greene. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family.

Hello everyone, happy Winey Palooza Wednesday. No need to whine, it's Winey Palooza Wednesday. Have some wine and join us on Winey Palooza Wednesday with the Greene family. Cha-cha-chicken. You're like, that's all you get, Mom. No, no second verse. No second verse.

No rapping tonight.

She's out of here. Hello everyone, happy Winey Palooza Wednesday.

I just put my pajamas on, took my contacts out, took my jewelry off, got comfortable on the couch and went Oh no, that's how you want to start a broadcast, to tell people you were so excited that you forgot that you had a broadcast to do.

I, I was, you know what I was focused on? That I needed to prepare and find out who I was interviewing tomorrow. That's where my head went. Yeah, it's been a long day. Started at 5:30.

Yeah, what are you doing getting up at 5:30?

Your son got up at 5:30 and then he went back to bed. I don't know that he went back to bed though. How am I—

go to football.

Okay, so he went back in his room. He woke me up getting up.

Yes.

And then decided to go back to bed and didn't tell me, and I was downstairs starting to prep things.

Got it.

So I just started working. I didn't go back to bed. It's been a long day, but we made it. And lots of good stuff today, lots of good stuff. I'm not complaining. I just might have forgotten that we were gonna do this tonight.

You're human, it's allowed.

And you don't know to remind me because you just think that I know.

Why is this night different from all other nights? Why wouldn't you know?

So I want to tell you that I absolutely love topic requests. I get them, people send them to me, friends call me. I love it. And this was a topic request, a really good one, and it is when your kid throws you a curveball. And I think that it is totally normal for all of us parents to have our kids' lives like planned out in our heads. It starts from the beginning. We expect them to do everything on schedule. We expect them to go to school, like school, make friends, get good grades, go to college, get married, have babies. Like, I could go on and on. Yeah, but we have this box that we put our kids in, and we have these expectations, and other people also have these expectations for our children. And our kids don't always agree to these terms. Right?

Very true. We've experienced some of that.

So we— I posted this today. I wrote a blog about it. You can find the blog at whiningplaza.com. And I posted the blog today on Facebook and the mother's responses were so helpful and warm. The mothers were saying things like, "Curveballs are part of life. Curveballs are part of parenting. We've got to ride the waves with our kids." and I was like, we are never alone. Please hear me, like, everybody's going through this. If you are having an issue with your child, I can 99% guarantee you that someone else is dealing with it. So you aren't alone. I'm not alone.

You are not.

And when my friend suggested this topic, I was like, this is amazing. I've already been there. I've already lived it. I'm sure there will be more curveballs. So one of the most recent curveballs, one of the most recent pattern curveballs that I've been hearing from mothers is that all of a sudden their kids decide that they're done with something, right? Like they've been doing baseball forever and then they say to their parent, I'm done with baseball. Wake up one morning, my friend's two boys said, we're done with baseball. And she was like, you've been doing baseball since you were little, what do you mean? They just make these decisions that they're done with something, they want to change something. So we lived that with soccer, and we've talked about this. We've talked about this. This was a giant curveball that Seth and I didn't see coming, and we had poured so much time money and energy into 12 years of soccer training for Max. He made the team that he'd been aiming for. Seth put all of the travel in our phones for the whole year, tons of traveling, and was willing to pay for it and invest in it. And Max goes, I'm done with soccer. I'm done with it. It's not fun anymore. I want to try football. And Seth and I were like, what happened to my D1 college scholarship? You were gonna get a scholarship. What are you talking about? That's not as meaningful a curveball as others that I have heard parents tell me, but that was meaningful to us in the time of life that it happened.

Yes, it was challenging to let go.

Seth had— Seth struggled so much more than I did. I was like, I did bring it up, I'm not gonna lie.

You brought it up.

I brought it up the other day because I will tell you why I brought soccer up the other day. The soccer coach at Max's high school has asked him recently to come be their goalie. Like, they want him. He is a good goalie. And I said to Max, you don't even know if you're going to start on the football team. And he's, Mom, I'm not playing soccer. Drop it. This is what I'm doing. And I'm like, so you are a master. I told him like, you are a master at soccer. You just started playing football. Like, you are not a master football player. He's so what? Don't care.

And I love that you just made up the word master soccer player.

He is. He's mastered soccer skills. Like, he has mastery skills.

Really great goalie.

And I'm like, you just started playing football. Like, you don't have mastery skills with football yet. Whatever, he has his own brain. He continues to show me this. Yeah, I went to my friend's house recently and I drop off Lily and there's all these girls running around her house and one of her sons leaves and it's, oh my God, I'm not dealing with all these girls. The other son, she's, oh, he left, he went to a party, he's out of here. And I'm like thinking to myself My son's home studying, it's Saturday night. Her son is out partying, my son is home studying.

Yep.

So some of you might be thinking, go Max, that's amazing. You wanna know what I was thinking? Go out, go call your friends and go out. So I had this vision of junior year, okay? He's made some of it come true. It's not about my vision, this is not about us, part of this whole topic is this is not our story, this is not our life. My junior year looked so different from Max's junior year. Let's start there. So I didn't take one— I, I'm a smart person, you know that I got good grades. I didn't take one AP class junior year. I don't even know that I actually realized what an AP class was until senior year when they asked me to take one. I was like, "Sure, I'll try and hate Max." So I get Max's schedule for junior year, and it has 5 AP classes on it, and I say no. And I'm like, "You're nuts. Absolutely not. I'm not signing this." And he's, "I will prove you wrong. Go sign those papers. This is what I want. This is what I'm doing." And then fast forward to this past weekend. And I say to Max, go make some plans and go out. And what does Max say to me? Do you know? I didn't—

oh, this weekend?

You know, you don't have to know. I'm gonna tell you. He said, I want to study. I want to study. I want Max to go have fun. I'm like, you need some balance in your life. He's like, I don't want balance, I want to succeed, and I have goals, and I'm going after my goals, so let me study. Yes, a mother is telling her son to stop studying.

The next thing you're gonna say, I quit that college stuff and join a band.

We're gonna talk about college. We're gonna talk about college. So I say to Max, there's a spring dance coming up, okay? He went to homecoming, so cheers to Max going to homecoming. I felt a huge achievement. Fast forward to the spring dance. Max Why don't you ask one of your friends to go to the dance with you? Like a girlfriend. A friend who's a friend who's a girl. Why don't you ask so-and-so to go to the dance with you? I know she'll go with you. No, don't want to go. Why don't you want to go to the dance? Go have fun. Don't want to. I have plans. I'm going to study. I'm going to go to the gym. I got better things to do. You have this vision: ask someone to the dance, go have fun. Be involved in school, do the academic stuff, succeed academically, and go to all the stuff and have all the fun.

All the fun.

So you see that we have these visions of what we want and these boxes of what we want our kids to land in, and they don't always agree.

Very true.

He's very good at telling me that he does not agree. Wouldn't you say that?

Yes, he is not afraid to speak his mind. That is a good thing.

Okay, so let's talk about curveballs. Let's talk about a list of curveballs. Okay, what do you think that they should do if their kids want to try a new sport?

Let them try a new sport.

Let them try a new sport. What do you think they should do if their child doesn't want to go to the dance?

Let them not go to the dance. You can't— you're not going to put a big dragon there.

He's like, you're not going to make me go. And I'm like, oh, but I can. I'm not gonna drag him to the dance. I wanted to find— he's stronger than you. I, I wanted to find out more information, like why don't you want to go to the dance, and can we encourage them to do things like that? Okay, what do you do if your child doesn't want to get involved in anything at school?

You got to do something.

My requirements—

I mean, he's involved in some stuff.

Oh, he's super involved. I'm not upset with—

yeah, the school part he's got.

The 3 kids, our 3 kids are involved in school. And they listened. And my rule that I tell them, that I think Seth agrees to, is that they have to do one thing with school, at least one thing, a minimum. That's the minimum. Okay, what about if your child is not getting good grades? What about that curveball?

Uh, you gotta work on it.

So you gotta assess the situation and you gotta figure out what's going on with your kid. So is your kid— do you see your kid physically studying? Are they studying? Do they know how to study? Do they need to learn how to study? Is there something that they need help with? Do they need a tutor? Do they need extra help at school? What is the fit of the bad grades? Because this is a big one that I hear parents talk about. And as I told Lily, she left for her math test the other day so nervous. The, the grade pressure in this house. Are we doing this?

I don't think so.

I think it's top-down. I think it's like Ella wants to get what Max is getting and Lily wants to get what Max and Ella are getting. I think it's like a kid pressure thing.

Yes, I have never once said— all right, maybe that's not true, maybe one or two tests, but most of the time I do not say, "You're great, you gotta get your grades up." So she left for her math test so nervous.

She's, "I have to get a good grade. I am so nervous." I saw her study and study, and what I said to her was, you know what, first of all, it's 6th grade, and you don't want to like make your kid think that you don't care about 6th grade. But I'm like, nobody's going to look at your 6th grade grades. And she needed to hear that because she puts so much pressure on herself. And I'm like, I will tell you what I am proud of regardless of the grade. I'm like, you are learning study habits. Yes. I want you to learn how to study, and I want you to show effort. And I'm like, you already studied multiple days. You already showed me effort, so I'm already proud of you. So take the pressure off. I mean, her whole body changed when I said that.

Awesome.

So I'm working on that. Okay, what if your child doesn't want to leave the house? I hear parents say that their kids don't want to socialize. We understand to a point. Lily wants to socialize all the time. Can I— Megan wants to go to the Y. I'm like, we're not even home yet. You're making plans and we're at the eye doctor. So anyways, I do encourage Max and Ella to make plans, but I also know that they aren't me. So we have to understand our kids, like they need a lot more downtime than I do, right?

Yes.

Yeah. You agree?

Uh, Lily and you do not need much downtime at all.

I need a little bit.

Don't you?

Little bit.

Little bit. A little bit.

Not a big bit. Okay, what if— I want to ask you this, and I have an answer, but I want to hear your answer. What if your child does not want to go to college?

It depends on the kid. It might not be right for them. That might be okay.

I am shocked.

It's not the right path for every kid.

I'm really happy. I hope you, you own what you're saying. Yeah, that's really amazing that you just said that. Okay, I didn't know you felt that way. I wanted— I was excited to ask you that question live right here.

Okay, I'm glad I passed your test.

You passed the test.

And it depends on the kid, so you asked me in general. Our kid— I might not have the same answer for our children.

Okay, so from a very— I give my mother credit for my knowledge on this subject because at a very young age she pointed out some kids in our lives who school wasn't for them, and she talked to me about it. I don't know why we were talking about it, but she was like, school isn't for everyone and college isn't for everyone. And she has pointed out people in our lives that we know who did not go to college and who are very successful.

Sure, it's not a guaranteed absolute requirement.

So I think that in my exploration, college you're gonna hear a lot about college with us because—

We're in the thick of it.

We're in the thick of it. And we're looking at colleges with Max and talking to lots of parents about college. And some kids don't want to go straight to college. They don't know what they wanna do. They don't know where they wanna go. They're not sure of their life plan. And I really think it's a case-by-case situation.

Yep.

And you may think your kid is gonna graduate and take off and go somewhere and go to college. And they may tell you something totally different. Max's friend wants to be a policeman— policeman, a police officer— wasn't coming out right. My friend's son wants to be a firefighter. Another friend's son wants to be a steelworker, and the list goes on and on. My friend's daughter wants to do hair, and there are very, very successful hairdressers. It's a good field. So depends on the kid. And I think that the situation with college is, what is the plan? If they're not going to go to college, in my book, they have to have some sort of plan. And if they don't have a plan, like, they don't turn 18 and we like sign off parenting. We don't say, "Sienna, we're done." I have heard parents say that. Not really true. But we need to help them figure out a plan. The plan doesn't need to be right. They might change their mind, but they have to have some sort of plan. How are you going to pay for stuff? You're not going to live at home forever. At home forever. You gotta make a life for yourself.

Yes, all true.

We don't want 30-year-old children living with us.

We do not, although that is the biggest demographic right now.

So is the fit of that— so I haven't studied that. That's actually a really good topic. Is the reason for that the cost of living going up?

I do not know. I just know Tony Robbins quoted that at our— the event that we virtually—

what did he say?

There are more 35— 30 to 35-year-old males living with their parents now than at any time in history.

So he didn't give reasons, he just gave a statistic. Okay, so that's something that I would like to research. Okay, that's fascinating to me. And I will tell you, based on my friends having adult children, that the cost of housing right now is a freaking fortune. So I don't know how these kids, these young adults, are affording to live on their own. So maybe it's a money thing.

I don't know. I have employees under the age of 35 who are not living at home, have their own apartments and houses.

And are they struggling financially, or do they seem to be okay?

I do not know.

We don't know. Okay, I would say at a very young age, Ella started to teach me that she was gonna break the box, right? Yeah, those developmental milestones, like you're gonna crawl at this age, you're gonna walk at this age, you're gonna talk at this age, on the wall.

So she did not follow the chart.

So Max set me up because it was like a checklist. Like doing this. And Ella, I was like, come on, Ella, let's walk. And she was like, I'll do it when I'm ready. Do you remember that?

I don't know if she quite used those words at that age, but yes, she was like, nah, I'm good, I'm good, I don't feel like walking.

So I guess at a young age she showed me that she was gonna break the box and she was gonna do things on her own time. Yes, wouldn't you say? Yes. So what is the list of stuff that we can do when our kids throw us a curveball?

I'm ready.

You're ready for the list, okay.

This will be helpful.

I'm gonna say with anything with parenting, we're gonna be patient and understanding.

I'm gonna say that we're gonna try and be patient and understand.

I did put try at the beginning, do you see that? I did try. Okay, we're gonna listen. We're not gonna talk at them, we're not gonna tell them what they need to do. We're gonna listen and we're gonna ask questions and we're gonna listen to what they want. What do they want? Do they have a plan? Do they have a sport they want to try? What are they trying to communicate to us? Let's listen. How can we help? Let's listen and then let's see if they need our help. We're gonna throw away expectations and we're not gonna care what other people think. Don't care about what your neighbors think. Don't care about what your parents think. This is not about making people happy. This is about our kids finding their own way, and their own way doesn't need to be what anybody else wants.

Yes, we might need to remind ourselves of that sometimes.

Who, you and I?

Me?

Yes. I don't care what other people think. I care maybe what we think, right?

Right, right.

But I think I care too much what you and I think sometimes. Right? I think it needs to be more about the kids and what they want and less about what you and I want.

Yes, I have had to do some work on that area myself.

Okay, we're gonna break the box and we're gonna screw the box and we're gonna—

you're fascinated by the box.

I just think that we put the kids in a box.

No boxes.

Okay, we're gonna give ourselves praise because I'm gonna tell you this. If your kid is coming to you and communicating their needs, then you have made it safe for them to do, and you have made a kid who is going to advocate for what they want and go after what they want. And that is some good parenting.

Good job, you.

We're going to be clear about our rules. Okay, you're not going to go to college. What are you going to do? Because you're not going to live here and do nothing. You need to do something. The only thing we have control over is ourselves. We cannot control our kids. We can, if depending on the age, we can have a huge influence. We can have rules and expectations. You're not gonna make, I don't know, a 19-year-old, what are you gonna make a 19-year-old do?

You can't drag them to the dance.

I'm not gonna drag him to the dance. Did I want to make him go to the dance? Yes, I thought about it. We're gonna reach out to people because I don't want us to have any shame. Throw shame out the window too. Everybody's going through stuff, and don't buy into the social media facade, the facade that everything is roses and sunshine. I promise you it's not. I promise you that every parent has had curveballs and can relate to you and maybe give you some good advice. How did you handle that when they went— when they decided they didn't want to go to that school and they wanted to go to a school, you know, they didn't like their high school and they told you they wanted to go to a different high school? I had a parent tell me that they were districted for our middle school and her son said she didn't— he didn't want to go there and could he go to a different middle school. Wow, talk about a curveball. I mean, she let him.

Okay, I didn't know that was a thing.

You can open enroll.

I thought that was just the high schools. I didn't know you could do that at middle school. I think we've never talked about—

yeah, I think you— I don't know about elementary school. I don't know if they're closed. I think it depends on enrollment, but yeah.

Okay. Yeah, who knew?

I know. We're gonna be flexible.

Flexible.

We're gonna be flexible. We're gonna ride the waves of parenting because I guarantee you there will be another curveball.

Yes, the only constant is change.

So I want to tell them my giant curveball. Okay, it was a great curveball. You know my curveball. So I was engaged before Seth.

Oh, not a school curveball.

Yes, no, a Rebecca life curveball.

Yes, Rebecca life.

So I was engaged, I thought my life was going in a certain direction, and I am thankful every single day of my life that I went a different direction. I decided to make my own curveball and go away from that engagement and end that engagement and found my husband.

Thank you for doing that.

So the curveball led to something wonderful, which means that you may have a plan, I may have a plan, and the curveball in our life may lead to something even better.

Yep.

So I'm thankful for curveballs.

Me too.

So what did I miss? Did I miss anything?

I don't think so.

I think that was a fantastic topic request.

Keep them coming.

And in my list of things to do today, I did not look up who was on the podcast.

It's gonna be great, so tune in on Friday.

I promise you, I have done so many interviews, amazing, amazing women. I promise that there are tons of great guests coming up that we're gonna learn from. And what do we need to tell them? The newsletter, the group?

Yes and yes.

Okay, there's a Winey Pooza newsletter. Winey Pooza newsletter, please sign up. Ask us how, there's a link. Yes, the link is on my webpage. Yes, winingpalooza.com. There is a Linktree with all things Winey Palooza, and the Winey Palooza Mom Group is on Facebook. It's free, it's supportive. Come find me. And is that everything?

I believe so.

We are on break next week. We are taking a break, so we will miss you next week, but we will be back the following week.

Yes.

Have a wonderful Easter.

Yep.

Have a wonderful spring break. And we will be back.

Happy Winey Palooza Wednesday.

Thank you for tuning in to the Winey Palooza podcast.

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Thank you so much for listening. Until next time.

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