Episode 359: Peer Pressure

No need to whine, it's whiny palooza. Have some wine and join us on the whiny palooza podcast with Rebecca Greene.

Welcome to the whiny palooza podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Greene. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family.

Happy Winey Palooza Wednesday.

No need to whine, it's Winey Palooza Wednesday. Have some wine and join us on Winey Palooza Wednesday with the Greene family.

Cha-cha chicken.

Okay, Lily.

Hello everyone, happy Wednesday! It is a good day in the greenhouse for many reasons. You want this?

Yes, I do.

Because first of all, we got a new fence.

Bum bum bum!

You know you're an adult when you get super excited to put in a new fence. And you have to admit, Ella, it looks beautiful.

Yeah, it's really— it's much better than the last one.

Our next door neighbor put in a gorgeous white vinyl fence. How many years ago?

2 years ago?

Sure, we're gonna guess 2 years ago. And I said to Seth, let's match her fence. And she said, paid for it. She's—

does she even live there anymore?

Anyways, I was being funny.

She does live there. Oh, my point is, I said let's match the fence. It took me a couple years, but we matched the fence.

Yay!

Success in the greenhouse. And the other thing that I'm very excited for besides the fence is that we have Ella here joining us tonight. Ella, thank you for being here. I know you have other things you would rather do. Ella wrote the first half of our blog this week. There is a full blog at wineinclusa.com on peer pressure that you can go read. So we would love you to read it and you can see what a fantastic writer Ella is. Ella has totally fallen in love with writing this year, which has been so wonderful to watch as her mother. And one of us needs to lean towards each other. There you go. So Ella started us off talking about peer pressure, and she picked the topic this week, and I really appreciate her picking the topic. I really appreciate her writing, and I appreciate her openness and willingness to even write and talk about it. So thank you.

Yep.

I paid you in books.

Hahaha.

I do love books.

We went to Barnes Noble and she bought a bunch of very good books, and I held myself off. I restrained myself.

Go watch TikTok about it.

Go find me on TikTok. What am I, whinypluzamom on TikTok? Go find me on TikTok and Facebook and Instagram and all the things. If I have learned anything about social media, I have learned to, uh, not put all of your eggs in one basket. We need lots of baskets to connect with people, so go find me. So Ella, let's start with peer pressure and social anxiety are a perfect storm. Do you want to talk about that at all and explain that to them?

I mean, there's not really much more to say. You're more susceptible to peer pressure when you have social anxiety. So, and you can— and sometimes I would make up peer pressure in my head because of the social anxiety.

Oh, my sweetheart.

What does making up peer pressure in my head mean?

Like overthinking things I don't think anybody actually cared about.

Right.

Okay.

Right. We think that we are more important than we are.

To other people.

I was— Sorry. I love he finishes my sentences.

I said, not your sandwiches.

We think that people are so much more worried about us than they actually are. They think about us a lot less than we think that they do.

They're busy thinking about themselves.

They're busy thinking about themselves. Exactly what Seth just said. So how did you cope with your social anxiety and the peer pressure, and how have you changed?

I found people who don't give me social anxiety.

So I think that the bottom line to you feeling so much better in general is finding friends that you're comfortable with.

Yep, I would totally agree.

And I think there were friends that you were uncomfortable with.

Yeah.

And you figured out that you were uncomfortable with them and it wasn't working for you. You. So in their opinion of— wait, if their opinion of you can change based on you saying no to something, maybe rethink your friendship. Yes, because—

am I supposed to finish that sentence?

Yes.

Oh, okay. Um, well, because they should care more about you being comfortable than you doing something with them or for them.

Yeah.

And it reflects a lot on their character as a person if they care that much about you not doing something.

100%. That's really intelligent. I hope that teenagers listen to this and get help from you because it's really smart. I think that what you and I have talked about is that a true friend is not going to make you uncomfortable, and a true friend is okay with you saying no to something. Whatever it is.

Yeah.

And the difference— what I was thinking about when I was writing this, and I didn't really emphasize this enough in my writing— is that you guys have social media pressure that I didn't have. So I totally missed out on all the, all the peer pressure or pressure in general for so— on social media, or to have social media. There's pressure to have a phone, there's pressure to have social media.

Um, well, I think for safety reasons, once you get to my age, you should have a phone.

I mean, I, I totally think that you should have a phone, but I will tell you that there are friends who did not allow their, their kids on social media, and you or Lily told me that that was social suicide.

No, I said not having a phone.

Okay, okay. I think social suicide is a dramatic word.

That is not the wording I used.

You're not gonna die.

No, I said not having a phone was a social step back.

Step back is different. Yeah, that's a big difference.

I have friends who, who don't have social media or phone, right?

I think, I think that the point is, I'm not saying— I know my words were dramatic. One of you may have or may have not said that to me, but I am saying that I think kids feel pressure to be on social media.

Yeah, absolutely, 100%.

Okay, it's okay to prioritize your own comfort.

It's not selfish. You are not a bad person.

So saying no is okay?

Yeah.

So how did you learn that? And why do you— so why do you think that saying no is okay?

You shouldn't have to sacrifice yourself for other people. It doesn't make you selfish for not wanting to be in an uncomfortable situation.

I mean, do you think that there was a time where you couldn't have said that?

Oh yeah.

You've come a long way. You think that that's maturity, age, good friends? What do you, what do you think helped with that? Uh, you.

I have a pretty good teacher.

Well, that's very sweet, which leads me to— you have people to talk to. So talk about that.

What did I actually say? Oh yeah, just use your parents as an excuse to get out of stuff.

Okay, so I was thinking reach out to your support system, which is what you wrote. Yeah, because if you're stressed about something— like Ella and I just talked about this today— says Ella will go inward, and I think that what I'm trying to teach her is that doesn't help a situation. So if you're feeling stressed about something, it helps if you go reach out to someone and tell them what you're stressed about so that they can help you. Or even if you don't want help, sometimes it helps to just talk it through with someone, and when you hear yourself talking it through, sometimes the answers come to you. So, so I'm gonna jump in with some of my stuff and get Ella's feedback. I had said, so I have 3 kids. Max is 17, Ella's sitting next to me, she's 15, and Lily's 11. And I totally see, I see peer pressure and I lived it. I lived through it. So I know what it's like. And I think that it's really good for us as parents, and I know I say this all the time, but we need to keep the lines of communication open. And the best way for me to do this, and I did a really bad job today when I was talking to my husband. Is to— what words am I looking for— become— be casual, be easygoing, be non-judgmental. And I am an emotional person, so I get very—

you are an intensely emotional—

I'm an intensely emotional person. So when I was communicating to Seth at dinner, He was like, "Oh my God, you're not angry at me." So, when we're talking to our kids, we just want to remember to be non-judgmental so that they want to talk to us and to try to keep our emotions in check.

I don't—

You have to keep your anger focused.

Keep my anger focused on not my— it's usually not my people in my house that I'm angry at.

Right, you just— it looks to us like you are mad, you are expressing it in semi-intensely out loud near us.

Yeah, so I don't want Max to say, "I don't want to talk to my mom, she's going to get all emotional about this." I like— or Ella will say, "I can't deal with your feelings too." So like, we have to put our feelings aside. If it's about our kids, it needs to be about our kids and their feelings. Our feelings can't get in the way of them communicating and getting the help that they need. We can get our feelings out with our spouse later, or with our friend later, or with my mom later, and not with our child. Our child shouldn't have to deal with our feelings. Make sense? Yeah. Agree?

I would agree.

Okay, building confidence and self-esteem. Oh, I can't even begin to tell you. It's so hard.

I—

Ella knows this, Seth knows this. Seth is here too. I work on building my kids' confidence pretty much every single day. I point out specific strengths so that they identify them. So, we want our kids to identify their strengths, we want our kids to identify their individuality and their uniqueness, but we also want to point out things to them. Like, "Ella, I cannot believe what a good writer you've become." like, does Ella identify with that? Does she see that? Does she feel like she's a good writer? Is that— does she know that that's one of her strengths? We want our kids to develop their own interests and their own passions and to see that they are wonderful human beings with their own skills, and that makes them less of a follower and more of an individual and hopefully a leader. Right? So I work on this every single day. The more confident and secure our kids are, the less they are susceptible to peer pressure.

Amen.

Okay. I didn't know if you—

I think that goes to adults too.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, like adults get peer pressure too.

Right? Don't you want a margarita, honey?

Well, I always want a margarita.

I think the question—

that's a bad example.

The question is, I'm gonna tell you 2 questions. I am very strict. I am very strict about this, okay? First of all, I am very calorie conscious, and I'm trying to spend my calories on food and not alcohol. Do I want to waste— in quotes— do I want to waste calories on the margarita? So I'm very thoughtful. And am I driving? Because if I'm driving, I'm not drinking. And Bye-bye peer pressure. I'm very strict about this.

So how, when you are out with friends and they are all drinking, how does that go? So come on, Rebecca, just one drink with us.

Okay. So a lot of times, so I am a lightweight. I do not drink a lot and I can't handle a lot. So what that looks like is if I'm going to drink anything, I'm not gonna drive. So Seth is either going to drop me off, or a friend is going to drive me, or if I'm driving, I'm just not drinking, and I will get, um, a lemonade, a pop, a water, and watch people drink. So that's how I handle it. Um, I'm— I mean, if I think that the dinner is gonna go for hours and hours and hours, I might take a few sips but I sincerely, I can't handle a whole drink and drive. I just don't even want to be in that situation.

So if there's a question, the answer is probably no.

Well, so setting boundaries, okay? So we have to be able to set boundaries with our friends and our family, and our— and we have to know our own boundaries. And I'm giving you my alcohol boundaries. Yeah, you have to be aware of what How do you feel about the situation? You know, I got in a car one day to drive. I had gone somewhere and had a drink, and I got in the car and I was like, I don't know if I can drive right now. And I never want to feel this way again. I never want to question if I can drive. To me, that's not acceptable. So that day was the decision of, if you're driving, you're not drinking.

See, all change happens in an instant. It might take you years to get to that instant, but it happens in one moment of decision.

And it's like an uncomfortable situation. Like, I felt uncomfortable and I didn't want to ever feel that way again.

There you go.

Okay, so role-playing. I have definitely role-played with my kids. There are so many times that Ella or Lily, you know, Max doesn't— boy, I don't want to generalize to boys. My son does not talk to me about these kind of situations as much as my daughters do. I'm not going to say he never does, I think that he is definitely gonna talk to me when he's in the mood, and he also has Seth to talk to. We do talk about some of this stuff. Seth gets a lot more of it than I do. He's more comfortable, especially if it has to do with girls. But as far as my girls are concerned, they will say to me very often, "I don't know what to say. Like, I don't even know what to say in this situation. What would you say?" And I feel like I used to do that with my mom too and be like, "I don't know what to say to people." I still— I think I just said that to her on a text message, like, I didn't know what to say. So role play with your kids and help them know what to say. My mom would kill me, I'm not doing that, it's not worth it to me, or I'm not allowed to do that, or I'm not comfortable with that, no thank you, I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I don't smoke, not my thing. We just have to teach them to know what to say. Or you gotta get this Lululemon, these Lululemon shorts. My parents are not going to buy me those Lululemon shorts, are you crazy? Like, you just have to know what to say, right?

It does help.

Any examples?

I thought those were some good ones. Okay, Ella, so what do I say to the peer pressure from my wife and daughters going, we want more of these Lululemon shorts?

Hey, I have one pair and I'm good.

Okay, I'm gonna tell you something.

Roleplay with me so I can talk to my wife later.

Max and I— was it Max or was it Ella? Maybe it was Ella. I said, Ella, Dad left me.

I said, isn't that sweet?

Okay, so I want to say something. This is very sweet and thoughtful, and this is a lot of money. Seth left me money on the counter because Max wants Lululemon shorts.

Okay, I was told they were going to Lululemon today, last night, and I decided to surprise my wife, giving— after giving her a hard time about it, by leaving her cash on the table and putting a Post-it note on saying, here's your Lululemon money, I hope it's enough.

So, so I said to Ella, I said, this is so— like, I was so touched, so sweet, so thoughtful. And I also said, I think this is my limit. He keeps giving me a limit right here.

It wasn't set in stone, but I was hoping that if you came in under that, or at least made so much of a dent, that if you spent over it, maybe it was just the tax.

Oh my God, I was like, I think he just gave me a limit at Lululemon. But Lululemon is a fortune.

It is ridiculous.

And I could go buy Lily 3 things and spend $300 like it's nothing. And it's ridiculous.

Notice she went to Target the other day and got 3 t-shirts that were $10 each.

Oh, I still—

what, $10 is a whole lot better than like $40?

No, no, I support her Target shopping. She can shop at Target, Old Navy, um, I support that.

So you didn't give me advice to resist my wife and daughter peer pressure for Lululemon? Other daughter, not this one.

You have said— terrible— you have said to me you have no problem with this. You have said to me that their prices are absolutely ridiculous. Are you crazy?

It hasn't stopped you though.

I haven't bought—

I need to set a better boundary.

Okay, I've taken— I want to be clear.

Oh, somebody's giving you a thumbs down! Who is that? Awesome! How did you do that? That was so cool.

I have taken— I don't, I don't know who is watching. I wish it would tell us. How come it doesn't show us who's watching? So I have taken Lily shopping at Lululemon once, and I have taken her to the Lululemon outlet once. I don't think that's very bad. I think that Seth would like to say don't go there at all, right? Right, right. I hear you.

He still doesn't give me an answer. All right, moving along. I don't think I'm gonna get one. I tried first. Okay, Seth is trying to set a boundary that Lululemon is unacceptable prices, and my wife is not being objective as a therapist and helping me in this situation to restrict my own spending.

I— okay, so first of all, I hear you, and second of all, it limits greatly the amount of times I have been in the store.

I appreciate that.

And, and I have not bought myself a thing there. Not one thing.

It'd be different if it was for you. Uh, money on the kids who are going to grow out of it in a couple.

Okay, so I want to tell Seth something.

Theoretically, it's probably going to fit in the same size shorts.

So Max would like some nice shorts that he will fit in probably forever, but I would like to tell you about myself and I'll move on from this. Okay, I am doing really good at moving towards, um, a very healthy, good weight for myself. I am not going to waste money on Lululemon stuff that I may not fit in. So I would like to be at whatever goal I decide to be at before I buy myself Lululemon.

Did you hear me?

I did.

And then maybe that will be one of my rewards.

We could certainly talk about that.

Okay, um, lead by example. So I love that Seth asked me, how do I handle drinking in front of— how do I handle drinking with my friends if I don't want to? Um, I think that your front— your kids have to see how do you handle social pressure? And how do you set boundaries? And how, how do you lead your life? You know, do you have self-confidence? Do you have your own unique interests? Do you brush off peer pressure? Because adults have peer pressure too. So, hey, Sensei Ferris, lead by example. Role-play with your kids. Point out their strengths. Have open communication. Oh my gosh, you're so sweet. Thank you so much.

Hi to your wife, who's hopefully next to you.

So how did I do? Does that help at all?

Yeah, I think it would help.

So going forward, if you feel peer pressure tomorrow, what can you take from anything that we talked about tonight?

Um, you don't—

I don't want to put you on the spot. If you don't know, you can say I don't know.

I don't have to do anything I don't want to do.

I like to use someone else as an excuse.

Yeah, I have been—

I can say, hey, my wife wouldn't want me to do that.

Yeah, there's a lot of times I don't know how to get out of the situation because I can't come up with an excuse.

We are always happy to be your excuse.

Um, you definitely want to always be your kid's excuse, kids' excuse. Somebody taught me to say— what, some therapist that I talked to taught me to tell my kids that my mom will kill me, I'm not gonna do that. I just feel like that's a really good excuse, right? Or my mom says that I have to come home right now, like I need to leave, like my mom's texting me, I have to go, she's coming to pick me up. So You know, and if you're in a situation that is uncomfortable, you just text us to come get you.

Oh yeah. Don't we have a code word for that?

Um, well, yes, we can talk about that later.

I figured.

I mean, you can just text, come get me.

Right. But if she doesn't want someone else to look at her phone and see that she initiated the come get me.

Yes. Yeah. I'll tell you after this.

Yes, we do have a process for that.

Cause I forgot what it was. Cause I think we've changed it so many times.

So that, so that's That's really good advice for other people. If you give your kids a code word, then they know the code word to text you to come and get them, which then is you sending the text back saying, I'm coming to get you, you need to leave.

So that if anyone has to see your phone or doesn't believe, you can say, look, my mom said she's coming to get me and I need to leave.

Yeah, I mean, be the excuse. Yes, I like that a lot. Um, Yeah, anyways, that's peer pressure. I think that it's inevitable. I think it's normal.

You have peers.

I think it's a part of the developmental process. A lot of the growing pains are normal developmental pieces of childhood. We've all gone through it and, and lived to tell about it, thankfully. Yes. What did, what did our parents used to tell us? If, if Sally jumps off a bridge, are you gonna go? That doesn't mean that you need to do it too. Yeah, my mom used to say that all the time. I got it, Mom. I learned. I learned my lesson. So, you know, I didn't give in to any of the clothes.

There are a lot of bridges I should have jumped off of, apparently.

I didn't give in to any of the clothes pressure as a child. I think I am much more into my kids having the clothes that they want versus me having it as a child.

Well, you also had an interesting situation in your family about that.

Okay, it probably affected you.

So, so I want everybody to know, I teach everybody this: you tend to either react against your parents or model your parents. So my mother is really good at the word no, and I admire that about her. I, however, have reacted against that, and my favorite word is yes.

So, as evidenced by the new fence and all of the other things.

Yes, yes, and yes.

Anyways, so I want to tell you that I had 3 winners to my birthday challenge, and I dropped off their prizes. I mailed one to Texas, and I dropped off the other 2 in town. And Melissa Stetcher is the winner of our July challenge. So Melissa is in— Melissa, where do you live? Why am I blanking out? Melissa does not live near me, she lives in a different state, so I am going to go get her address from her and mail her her prize for the July Winey Palooza Mom Group Challenge. It's a mom group, Winey Palooza Mom Group on Facebook. It's free, come find us. I think it's a very supportive, helpful community myself. And the podcast on Friday is Valerie Ricor, And Valerie is going to help us with our mental load, so you're going to love her. And honey, what else? You're good at this part.

Uh, go to whiningpalooza.com, check out the Linktree for all of Rebecca Greene's resources, including make sure to sign up for the newsletter. It is free and it's 3 times a week, um, has some great content in it. And make sure for all of our platforms and all of our viewers that you like, comment, rate, share, and subscribe.

He's so good at that. I guess I got a little—

He has experience. I know.

So thank you for joining us. Let us know. You all send me fabulous topics, great requests, and when you request something, it tends to be some of the greatest topics. So feel free to send them to me. And, um, I think that's everything.

Thank you for watching Winey Flues Wednesday with the Greene family.

Thank you for tuning in to the Winey Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time.

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