Episode 365: Depression is a journey

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No need to whine and whine. Whiny Palooza! Have some wine and join us on the Whiny Palooza Podcast with Rebecca Greene.

Welcome to the Whiny Palooza Podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Greene. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system.

I want you to know that you are not alone.

We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family.

This was a topic request, and the title of the topic is Depression is a Journey. Depression and anxiety are probably the two most prevalent issues that people talk to me about in the areas of mental health, and they're probably the two most common areas that people in general are dealing with. And I think it's a lot more prevalent than we think. And so we're going to go over this topic again and again and again with different stuff every time. I'm not going to say the same thing every time we talk about depression or every time we talk about anxiety. And I, I also think this is— I don't suffer from depression But writing about it and talking about it is good for me because it makes me even better with my mental health and with my ability to think things through. So—

Can I change your word choice?

Yeah.

You said, "I don't suffer from depression." I don't. I wouldn't— no, I'm glad that you don't, but I'm saying for everybody else—

I don't struggle with depression?

I would change the word.

To what? I don't deal with?

I mean, let's say that you had depression, you labeled yourself depressed, then your body knows to be depressed.

Yeah.

I would think maybe I get a little bit down every once in a while, but I don't suffer from—

okay, some people, some people are clinically diagnosed depressed. Listen, I love what you've taught me about word choices. Seth is amazing at word choices, and he's taught me so much about it. And he says that we should just take depression out of our language. And as I appreciate that, I am also a mental health person.

And you're being empathetic to people who are currently experiencing symptoms that they label, or Western medicine has labeled, as depression.

Yeah.

And there are cultures that literally don't have a word for depression, so they never get depressed.

And I commend them for that. But I will tell you, in my studies, in my trainings, in my work, that people are diagnosed depressed, and it is a thing, and it's a lot more prevalent than I want it to be.

Yeah.

So let's let's have some coping skills and some strategies to help you with it.

Awesome.

Okay, so first let's start at the beginning with we need to acknowledge our feelings. And I think that if you are anything like me, because I can relate to this, there are plenty of times where I try to deny how I'm feeling or I'm not aware of how I'm feeling. There's sometimes I don't even have a label for how I'm feeling. So I want you to acknowledge how you're feeling and I want you to let yourself feel the feelings. So Seth and I have had this conversation many times because I don't like crying. I can work on that. I can change my thoughts around it, but I do things to avoid crying, such as doing things like getting angry instead of getting sad, because getting angry is more comfortable for me than getting sad. So if somebody is lashing out and being angry just remember that there's sadness underneath that, that they're not dealing with. That tends to be the issue. So I know that's my issue.

Yeah, we get too sad and can't deal and express it as anger.

So when we acknowledge our feelings and we let ourselves feel, that is really our first step to any growth and healing. So we know how we feel so that we can work on it. And, um, what I have noticed with people is that we will set up really big goals for ourselves, and it sets us up for failure because if we don't accomplish the big goal, then we feel bad about ourselves. So instead of making big, huge, ginormous goals, let's make small incremental goals and let's set us up— set ourselves up to succeed. We want to succeed, and we want to get— gain momentum, right?

You wouldn't wake up one day and suddenly run a marathon if you've never run a marathon before. If you tried to run a marathon, you'd die, you know, you would collapse.

No, no, go on Facebook and actually make sure it's working.

You would walk around the block before you tried to run a marathon, and there'd be a million steps in between.

Yeah, like I can't decide tomorrow that I'm gonna run a marathon. That would be a really silly, huge goal that I would set myself up to fail. But like Seth said, if I start setting myself up to to take little steps each day to work towards the marathon, then I'm gonna set myself up to be successful. So if I want to declutter my basement, I don't wanna say, okay, I'm gonna declutter the whole basement today, because I'm gonna be down on myself because we know that goal is way too big. So I might say I'm gonna go through one box today. And if you're struggling to get out of bed, if you are still in bed right now and you're struggling to get out of bed, then step 1 is to get out of bed, and that is your goal for the day. And then you give yourself a pat on the back that you actually succeeded with your goal. Or maybe your goal for the day is to get out of the house and run an errand. Set up small goals for yourself, be proud of yourself when you reach these small goals, and then you'll see that it stacks and it builds and it gives you momentum to do more.

Perpetuating upward viral spiral.

Yes, and we talk about how important self-care is, but I want to talk about self-care in relation to depression. And when somebody tells me that they have no energy, one of my thoughts is, did they eat? What did they eat? Did they drink water? Did they get sleep? Like, I start going through the list of basic self-care needs, like, you know, Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

Yes.

So we can't You know, the teachers can't teach to students who are not well fed and well taken care of. The kids aren't ready to learn. Well, how are you going to feel better if you're not nourishing your body with healthy, good food, if you're not drinking enough water, if you're not setting yourself up to have good sleep? So like, those are like basic self-care things that are so important when it comes to depression. And I know that it severely affects some people. Our daughter— we have 3 kids. There is only 1 of 3 whose behavior changes dramatically if she hasn't eaten food, if she hasn't had water. She will be like, "I am hangry." So she is self-aware that her mood and her emotions just totally plummet when she hasn't given herself good food. My mom— my parents own a health food store and my mom was talking to a customer who had— was saying that he had very low energy, and she was like, well, you put gas in your car to get here. What fuel did you put in your body today? You have low energy because you're not fueling yourself. Like, I'm sitting here thinking, okay, what am I gonna go eat that is healthy for me after we do this? So what am I forgetting for self-care, Seth? Oh, We're going to talk about routine and sleep. So, it is very important for our children to have a routine. I, I resist routine. Seth and I joke about my resistance of a routine, but if I'm honest with myself and if I'm honest with all of you, my family thrives with a routine. We can enjoy lack of routine for part of the summer, but if we have no routine, for a long time, things go—

Yes, they like knowing what they're doing, when they're doing it, who they're doing it with, and having a schedule.

Yes. So we know that our kids thrive on a routine, but we also need to remember that we, the two of us, all of us thrive on a routine. So you wanna get yourself on some sort of a routine, and that is really important with sleep because if you're not sleeping or if you're sleeping too much, that can severely affect depression. And anxiety. I feel anxious when I don't sleep. It increases my anxiety.

Yes, I remember when our kids were newborns and then when they finally started, I felt like a crazy person. Forgive the term. I felt very unresourceful and jittery. And then when they first night, every time when we would get on a good night of sleep, I was like, oh my God, I feel like a different person. I'm not a zombie anymore.

I know it was just survival back then.

I didn't realize the fog that we were under due to lack of sleep.

Big fog, trying to get through the day. If you have a new baby, you are probably not depressed or anxious. You are probably suffering from feelings of trying to get through the day with a newborn and sleep deprivation, sleep deprivation, self-care deprivation. I remember being like, ah, take this baby. I need a shower right now. So as far as sleep goes, what, What the research shows is that if we go to bed at the same time and we get up at the same time every day, we're setting ourselves up for the best sleep success. So if you can get yourself on some sort of a sleep routine, you're going to have better sleep. And instead of sleeping until, you know, if it's Saturday and you have nothing going on and you sleep till 11 o'clock, you might feel like crap. If you get up earlier and start your day, you might feel better. And as far as getting to sleep, it has also been shown that you should have some sort of routine at night to let your body know that it's time for sleep. So that's stuff like washing your face, brushing your teeth, reading a book, like unwind and let your body know that it's time for sleep. I have also recently been reading about the fact that in the morning— so this is perfect for summer. I have to think about this for the winter. But if we get up and we go outside and we give our body some sunshine and we give our eyes some sunshine, then we're helping our bodies, um, help me, circadian rhythm. You're right, I didn't know how to say circadian rhythm.

So then if you are doing this every morning, well, if you get up and you let the dog out and you go sit outside with him.

So my favorite part of summer So, during the school year, I get up and I help get all of my kids ready for school. You know, I'm making breakfasts and lunches and doing hair and I'm doing lots of things. So, I'm basically fitting in feeding my dog and letting him out into my crazy morning. But in the summer, what has been my favorite part of the morning routine is that I get up, I feed my dog and I go outside with him and I sit with him and he loves it so much and I love it and I'm setting my body up to know that it's morning. So then you'll see that your body knows 12 hours later that it's time to start unwinding and going to bed. So if you're struggling with sleep, there are lots of ways to work on it. I'm not saying you don't need medication. There's people who are taking sleep meds, there's people who are taking melatonin. I'm not knocking any of that stuff. I'm just adding to your toolbox stuff that you can do to help with your sleep. So we've got sleep. We've got a routine, we're taking care of ourselves, we're setting small goals, and very, very important is that we're staying connected. And I think it's so sad to see that if you're feeling sad, depressed, isolated, you tend to stay home. And I see this, I see people who will tell me that they feel depressed and they're just staying home every day by themselves.

Which would make you more depressed.

So we are social creatures. We are meant to be with people. We are not meant to be by ourselves all the time. So we have to push ourselves to stay connected somehow. And if you're struggling with this, this is starting small. Send a text message every day, like reach out to someone with a text, reach out with a phone call, make some plans, force yourself out of the house, go have a coffee date with somebody, tell somebody that you're struggling, reach out to a friend and tell them that You might just want to go and not talk about your issues and maybe just go and just have a nice coffee date and just relax. Maybe you actually want some help and maybe you want to talk to your friend and get some guidance, or maybe you could even reach out to a therapist. Try out a therapist, make yourself a session. You don't have to stick with it if it doesn't fit for you. Don't think that all therapy is bad, please. It might just be not a good fit for you. I always tell people to try on therapists. There are lots of therapists.

Find a good fit.

Find a good fit for you and give it a try. I always tell my kids when they don't want to do something that I want them to do, like, just go give it a try. You don't have to commit. You don't have to commit to 10 sessions. Commit to 1 session. And I want to tell you, and I have access to a really good therapist, um, the therapist that I'm thinking of does Zoom sessions. She is on constantly with clients. She has an office in her home and she does Zoom all day, sometimes for 12 hours with clients, and her clients love it because it saves them time. You know, you can take a lunch break and, and do a Zoom session. I'm just saying you don't have to even commit to going to an office. You could even find a therapist who does Zoom sessions.

A brand new world.

It's a brand new world. And I've talked to her, um, this is one of my best friends um, and if you do see her, she does keep things confidential from me, but I do refer people to her and I do talk to her about what she does. And she loves seeing people on Zoom. It is definitely a new world. I have not done that yet. I see my podcast guests on Zoom.

We did a summit on Zoom.

The summit was amazing on Zoom. The podcast is amazing on Zoom. I think that it's better— everything is better if it's in person. It gives it a another level of engagement. Yes, it gives it another level of engagement, but you can pull it off on Zoom for sure. So stay connected, reach out to people. Please, if you're struggling right now, go send a text to someone and just say hello, how are you doing? It doesn't have to be I'm struggling, help me. It could just be hi, how are you doing? I'm thinking of you. Go reach out. So we're staying connected, we're keeping a routine, and I saved my absolute favorite for last, and that is change your thoughts, change your life. And Seth and I are huge on this, and we keep each other in check. I think we do an excellent job catching each other with negative stories. I'm not saying your story is wrong. I'm saying, how would you like to change your thoughts? And feel better, because if we change what we're thinking, we change what we're feeling. So there is something called cognitive behavioral therapy, and I recommend if you're gonna reach out to a therapist, see if they're trained in cognitive behavioral therapy. I think it is excellent to help with this topic, and I think that if we start becoming aware of our feelings like we talked about We can start becoming aware of what we're thinking all day. So I was telling the example to Seth that I can say, "Oh no, it's August already. I'm so sad, summer's ending." Or I can say, "It's only August. I have a whole month of summer left." There you go, different response. So how we think affects— sets ourselves up for how we're gonna feel. So I want to feel good about August. So I'm gonna set myself up to feel good about August. But if you're thinking things like, I have no friends, I have no life, I have no plans, I hate my job— like, if you're thinking things like that, there are steps to fix all of that that we could talk about. But we could also start with what you're thinking about yourself. Please don't put yourself down. Please don't talk negatively about yourself.

Be your own best friend.

Yes, talk to yourself like you would talk to your own best friend. Would you tell your best friend you have no friends, you're a loser, you have no life, you have a sucky job?

I would not.

We would never— I would never say that to him. I need to talk to myself as good as I want to talk to my husband and my kids and my friends and my parents and people who reach out to me who are struggling. I deserve that, and I realized that one day I was beating myself up about something and I was like, you would not say any of these things to one of your friends, so why do you deserve that? Why do you think that you deserve that? Because I'm here to tell you that you don't deserve that, and I don't care who your best friend is, I want you to be your own best friend. I want to be kind to myself, I want to be my own best friend, I want to cheerlead for myself, there was something challenging that I had to do one day, and I was like, you can do this, you got this, like, go tackle it, you can do it. Um, it was probably trying to fit in lots of driving all over Western New York.

Oh my goodness.

I think I was feeling overwhelmed with having to go to Buffalo, to Clarence, to— I don't even remember the rest of the story, but I was feeling overwhelmed and I was like, I was like, you've got this. You're gonna have time in the car with your kids. You've got audiobooks. You're good. You can handle this. So it's like, that is such a simple, silly example. I'm just trying to give you examples. But if your job sucks and you hate your job—

your job—

yeah, I want you to enjoy going to work. You have to You have to have money, so I don't advise that you go quit before you quit the old job, but I advise you to look for something that you think you're going to enjoy going to every day. I advise you to try to find things in your job that you like. Like, I like to challenge myself, so like, if I was going to work and I didn't want to go to work, I would say to myself, okay, you're gonna find 5 things at work today that you like. So I want you to challenge yourself with things.

So even if it's, man, they got a really good water cooler. I mean, I love the vending machine. Yeah, I like the people I work with.

Start to tweak your thoughts. I, I want you to say things like, instead of I have no friends, I want you to say I'm gonna reach out to a friend today. What? Oh, okay, okay. I'd have been seeing if you were having Facebook issues. Okay, Seth, so what did we go over? We went over acknowledging feelings, reaching out for help, setting small achievable goals, prioritizing self-care, staying connected, keeping a routine, and changing your thoughts. And I think if you can take one thing away today from this whole thing, it will be to change your thoughts. And I, and I think all of the advice is important to help you feel less depressed, but you will have the biggest bang for your buck. It was hard to say for some reason. You will get the biggest bang for your buck if you start to work on your thoughts and if you start to challenge yourselves to think more positively. If you think that you are a pessimist or a realist, I want to challenge you to tweak that because that's not making your days pleasant. I don't want to look for things to be upset about. I want to look for things to be happy about.

So optimists are happier, and if studies have shown, they live longer.

Yeah, you know, it is—

have fewer health issues.

It's the saying, do you look at the glass half full or do you look at the glass half empty? It's like, do you look at August as summer is almost over, or do you look at August as you have another month of summer? And I want to say, we are in Buffalo, New York, so we do have another month of summer. In fact, I think We have a month from today is when our kids go back to school. A lot of you, your kids are going back to school in August, so I understand that you don't have a month of summer left, but still enjoy it and still make some summer plans.

You still might have nice weather even though your kids might be in school.

So hopefully we do not have technical issues this time. Hopefully. I feel like, I feel like we did a good job redoing almost everything that we said on Wednesday. I did my best. I'm sure it's not exactly the same, but our Wednesday video did not work out, so we're trying again. So hopefully this works today. So I want to let you know that yesterday dropped a new podcast with Dr. Deborah Mandel, and it is all about healing mother-daughter relationships. So go check it out, and I would love for you to reach out to me and tell me what you think of the podcast. I would love for you to reach out for to me and tell me what you think about the depression tips. And we also have the Whiny Poo's a Mom group on Facebook, which is a free supportive community, and we are in the middle of the August Summer Challenge. And, um, go jump in. You can jump in right now. I've already asked 3 questions that you can go answer from August 1st, 2nd, and 3rd, and all the comments get entered for prizes that I like to give away. And what else, Seth?

Uh, go to whinypalooza.com and check out the Linktree that has links to all of Rebecca's stuff. Especially make sure to sign up for the newsletter. Um, and then like, rate, review, comment, share, and subscribe, please.

Okay, well, take 2 is complete. Wish us good luck, and we will see you again Wednesday night. Have a good half of a week.

Thank you for tuning in to the Whiny Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, Please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback.

Thank you so much for listening. Until next time.

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