Episode 367: Embracing Our Children's Independence

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Call 1-800-BETS-OFF. No need to whine and whine. Welcome to the Whiny Palooza podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Greene. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family. Hello everyone, happy Wineypluza Wednesday!

Happy Wineypluza Wednesday!

Uh, we are early. It says share to the group. I wonder what that's—

you can share into your group.

So we are going live at 8:30 today, and we are going live at 8:30 next week.

I'm just making sure the sound's working.

I'm just checking to make sure it's working. So our daughter Ella has an internship, and we need to pick her up at 9:30 every Wednesday, so we cannot go live at 9 o'clock because we have to be somewhere at 9:30. So we are going to do 8:30 today, and we are going to do 8:30 the following week, and hopefully after that we can go back to normal. So unfortunately, people are going to come here looking for us at 9 o'clock, and sorry, we won't be live.

But it's okay, I'm gonna share it from yours.

I'm— I tagged myself.

I understand that. It's okay. Comment, join us live now.

Okay, he's sharing it again. So what is the topic this week? So This topic is for me. So some topics I get requests for, some topics friends are like, you know, I'm struggling with this. I just saw a lady comment about her struggles with marriage, so I think that we're gonna have to do some marriage ones, Seth.

Yes.

And we have to do an anniversary one because that's coming soon.

It is.

So today's topic is for me, and I know— and I wrote this for myself knowing that I'm not the only one going through this based on talking to other mothers.

All right.

So, topic is embracing our children's independence as we learn to let go. And this has been a huge theme for me this summer. It has not been an easy summer for me in this regards. I have a lot of adjusting that I've had to do. So, I am very good at watching our children, keeping monitoring, keeping tabs on them, keeping them safe. And as they grow, you know, when they're little, we're trying to protect themselves, we're trying to protect them from hurting themselves. And as they get older, we're also trying to protect them from hurting themselves, but it looks very different. And they want freedom, they want us to let go a little bit. That is normal. We want them to feel that way. That is developmentally appropriate. But I will say my 11-year-old inspired this blog. She thinks that she's 16. We have reminded her many, many times this summer that she is 11. You know, Max is 17. Max has a lot of freedom. He has a car. He comes and goes. He tells us where he's going. He drives himself. He goes out with his friends. He has a lot of freedom. He has earned that over the years. And he's 17. We have, you know, Lily sees this and we try to explain to Lily that she is 6 years younger than Max, can't drive yet, and does not get the freedoms that Max gets. So she has pushed a lot to get more freedom this summer. How are you doing with that back there?

Still not letting her drive at 11.

Oh, what am I gonna do with him? So I'm gonna give myself tips that are helping me, and hopefully you will find that it also resonates with you. So, as you learn to let go of your kids, we would love to hear from you. We would love to hear what has helped, what have you struggled with. Tell us your thoughts, tell us what you agree with, tell us what maybe you don't agree with. We love hearing from you. And I want to start with, how do we feel okay with this? We start small. And if I start small with giving her responsibilities and I start small with giving her freedoms, then I don't freak out and then she doesn't freak out. She's not gonna freak out, but I may freak out a little bit, right? So I do little bits of freedom. I start, and as they prove themselves, I give them another inch and maybe another inch.

You got to be careful with that because you know what they say, if you give them an inch, they'll try and take a mile.

Oh, she tries to take a mile. So I had told her she could go to one place and then go back to her friend's house.

She did leave the friend's house, go to a place, come back before dark. Got it. I'm with you.

So one of my rules is she needs to be at whosoever house she's at, whether it's our house or her friend's house, by dark. That is my rule.

And no galavanting around the neighborhood in dark time.

And, and she had texted me, we wanna go to X place. And I didn't respond. I was outside away from my phone. So, you know, no response means I'm gonna go do the thing. Yeah. So I see that it's about to get dark and I go where she is, which isn't where I told her to be, and she's like, what's the big deal and why are you here? So a lot of you are thinking, why at that moment didn't you put her in the car and make her go home?

Well, Lily is like, I told you, which was progress, positive progress that she actually texted and said, want to do this thing.

So I said, you have to actually get a response. So you see, we have to be very specific and very clear or they will try to take advantage of us. Yeah. So I said, I am going to sit here and I'm going to watch you all at this park because it's dark out. What's the big deal? Anyways, giving her—

Safety violation.

Safety violation. I'm giving her inches, you know, having her do more responsibilities like make her own lunch, uh, put her laundry away. You know, we keep building and giving them responsibilities, and that gives them more confidence. And as we give them more freedom and see that they're actually doing okay with the freedom, we can give them more. Now, if they don't do okay, then we have to backpedal. So, starting small is helping me to stay sane.

Little bits.

Little bits. Oh, you love that term.

I do.

I am not jumping in with two feet giving her freedom, I'll tell you. I am one who likes to plow forward with things and I am one who likes to like tackle stuff. I do not see any way to do that with independence. Independence is baby steps. To make sure that we're okay and to make sure that they're okay. So, how else are we embracing independence? I am encouraging my children— Hi Jodi!

Jodi says, "Where I struggle is being the mom who says no when all the group, they're all going, then they are singled out." Okay, so— We wouldn't have that issue if she had waited for a response. They would have been like, "We're not waiting for your mom to respond. We're going. You can stay at that house." until you're mom and then you got to catch up.

Jodi, this is me. I am you. This is why we talk to other moms. I feel exactly the same way. So here's the deal, I'm sure the other moms were okay with them being at the park. I was not okay. So did I let her go to the park?

Yes. Well, we didn't know about it.

No, no, no, let me finish my sentence, Seth. I let her go to the park because I stayed in the parking lot and watched and didn't make her get in the car to go home. I didn't say, well, Lily, you're going home, right? And I said, in front of all her friends. And I'm okay, I don't want to embarrass her. I'm okay with embarrassing her, but I'm monitoring them. They're in the dark, I can see them, there's lights, and I feel better because I'm there. Now, had I The nice thing is that if we have relationships with the other moms, um, what is really nice is that one of the moms will say to me, she will text me and say, are you okay with them biking to 7-Eleven? Are you okay with blah blah blah? So if I say no, she's gonna back me up. We don't always have that with our, with our kids friends, right?

Happens. You're also really, really close friends with the other moms in this group.

So I think that we're not going to always agree, and I think sometimes the moms are going to let them go do stuff that I don't necessarily agree with. I'm trying to give her more freedom, but if I'm not comfortable, one of my solutions is to show up and monitor the situation. Now, if it's something that I'm not comfortable with that I can't monitor that they're going to do It depends on the age of the kid because your kid is in high school, so this is a lot more complicated. But like, Lily is in middle school, and I have no problem being the parent to say no. And if the other parents don't back me up, Lily's gonna probably be left out and mad at me. And I'm trying, Jodi, I'm trying to push myself because I tend to be— I would say I tend to be overprotective. Wouldn't you say that?

We are both happily overprotective.

So Seth is happy that we're overprotective.

I would much rather do that than the opposite.

I think that our kids, our older kids, appreciate it and understand it, but Lily does not at all. And I think I'm trying to push myself to allow more than maybe I'm comfortable with sometimes because I think I'm being overprotective. But if there is something for safety purposes that you are not okay with, I don't think there's anything wrong with your kid being left out of something that you're not comfortable with because it's not safe. I mean, what about being the parent to go so that you're around, right?

I mean, be the chaperone.

Yeah, like, okay, so a perfect example is Ella likes to go to the Galleria with her friends and wander, and you know, she's 15 and I let her You know, the first time or two, we said, I will follow at a discreet distance. We have been building up and building up.

Yes, it didn't start that.

So then my friend told me— then my friend told me about a couple fights at the Galleria, a couple of really big fights. But I need to talk to my children about this and how to handle that. But, um, that made me really uncomfortable. Like, tons of cops came, blah blah blah. So I think that the way to handle something like that is if Ella wants to go to the mall with her friends and I'm not comfortable with it, then I need to be able to go to the mall and be present somewhere in the mall so that I feel better. Like, what is gonna make me feel comfortable saying yes? If there's nothing that my actions can do to make me feel comfortable saying yes, then I think the answer is probably no, right?

Yes.

Correct. I mean, how do you feel about her being left out because everybody else, all the other parents say yes and we say no?

I feel bad for her, but my desire for her safety trumps any feeling bad I would have about her being left out. And I would sleep soundly that night knowing I had made the decision I believed in as a parent, and I'd be okay with her being mad at me for keeping her safe.

I will tell you that if we are too strict— and I don't know if you know this, Seth— I think we do need to give our children freedom. And I think that if we don't, I think if you're one of those parents who is way too strict, your kids are going to rebel. And I think that kids deserve to earn some freedoms as long as they show you that they're doing well with it.

And the keyword there was earned.

And if they don't get any freedom from you, I think they will push back, and that's normal. Yes, right?

I agree.

So one of the things that can make us feel more comfortable giving them independence and some more freedom is encouraging them to handle their own problems, because if they learn how to handle their own problems, then they're going to handle situations better when they're in them and we're not around. So we want— when they have a problem, we want to ask them questions and not just jump in and solve the problem. Because trust me, Seth and I, we are problem solvers. We want to jump in and we want to solve the problem yesterday. But instead of that, I'm asking things like, how do you think you should handle that? What do you think you should do? What could you do? So, we want to ask them leading questions and we want to teach them the problem-solving steps. And I think that this is not taught in school and should be taught in school. This was taught to me in school because I'm a social worker. So, you know, they throw a problem out to us and we have to actually identify what the problem is. We have to brainstorm ideas of how to solve the problem. We have to pick what we think is the best option based on the pros and cons to each solution. And then we have to evaluate how did we do with the solution that we picked. Is it going well? Are we moving forward? Or is it going poorly and we need to backpedal and pick something else? So if we take our kids through this process and teach them this process, then we will feel better that they know they are equipped and know how to handle a problem, right?

Absolutely.

So we, so we should actually step through these steps with our kids and show them an example, because I think that they're doing this in their head, but I think that we would feel better if we actually see it on paper.

Yeah, and out loud. If we could hear them think through a decision process out loud and hear how they're thinking, that would— and we agreed with it— that would probably make me feel better about their decision-making process for sure.

I don't think they always think things through, which is what we're trying to teach them.

Exactly, give them a process.

Okay, and the other thing is, is we want to keep the lines of communication open because I want them to tell you, you know, I'm frustrated with you, you're not giving me enough freedom. I want them to tell me, so like Max will say, Mom, I got this, like let me do this. I did not, you know, the example that comes to me that you have all heard from me is I did not give him the freedom that he wanted to make his own schedule. And like part of that is you have to—

You mean our classes?

Yeah.

Yes, high school class schedule.

Part of that is that the guidance counselor expects the parent to go in and actually hit approve. Like you have to go into the account and approve it. So it's not like he has total freedom. So I go in to look at his schedule and I say, holy crap, no, no. And he pushes back and he's communicating openly. And he was like, Mom, let me do this. Let me, let me show you. Like, I can do this. This is what I want my schedule to look like. So I'm trying to restrict him, he's trying to be independent, and I'm like, okay, you know, pick your battles, people. This is not the battle that I want to pick. So, um, we're communicating, we're being open and honest with each other, and I'm giving him the freedom. So I'm going to tell you that if you are like me, you have more than one child, and I will tell you that children are probably more likely to communicate with you in a one-on-one situation. So, I like to get them alone in the car because if we're all 5 of us or 4 of us in the car, the conversations are very different than if it's a one-on-one conversation. So, if there is something that is bugging both of you or one of you, get them alone in the car somehow and begin the conversation.

Drive on purpose.

Yeah, like, come for a drive with me. I got somewhere to go. And you know that it's the perfect opportunity to talk to them. So I want us to embrace and celebrate the growth. You know, when Max got his license, I was scared. S-H-I-T-L-E-S-S. Am I allowed to swear on here? I don't even know. It's my show, I think I can swear, right?

You just gotta— if we're airing it on iTunes, you gotta mark it explicit.

Oh, okay, so no swearing. Never mind, we will erase that.

You were scared.

I was really scared when he got his license, and I prayed a lot. And I also celebrated. We took him out to dinner. We had— remember, we had a big dinner at a nice restaurant, and we celebrated. Like, this is a big milestone, so celebrate it. And show them that you're proud of them. Like, you want your kid to get their license. You want them to take steps to be more independent. You know, our goal as a parent is to have independent, successful kids. So, this is how we get to the ultimate parenting success. We have to take steps in the right direction. So, as they're taking steps, as they're going to the mall and being safe and making good decisions, Celebrate and tell them how proud you are of them for doing a good job. Love it, right? Embrace it, don't resist it.

What you resist persists.

I'm talking to myself, people. This isn't just for you. This is me learning and growing this summer.

I love it.

It has been a lot of learning and growing this summer, wouldn't you think?

Yes, definitely.

We have to manage our own emotions, and it is— I want you to know that it is normal to have lots of feelings about this. You are not alone. You hear all of my feelings about this, and I will tell you that the best way to deal with it is to talk to other moms. Like, Jodi and I would have a great conversation about this, right?

Absolutely.

It sounds like we feel similarly. I think that if there's people who think differently than me, I like to talk to them because they challenge me and they push me. But I also like to talk to people who understand me and relate to me because we can work it out together and understand each other.

You gotta have both sides.

I gotta have both sides. And you never want to just be friends with people who agree with you. There is not growth in that, people. I have friends who really challenge me, and I'm thankful for that.

Amen.

Right?

Yes.

Okay, so as I was realizing that my kids have more freedom this summer, I'm realizing that I'm moving into a different role with them, and I'm embracing my new role with them. So Max doesn't need me to, you know, I'm in the car driving the girls around all freaking day. Max doesn't need me to do that anymore. I have a definitely new role with him, you know. Does he still want guidance? Does he still want to talk to me? Am I still, you know, helping him in different ways? 150%, yes, but I'm not driving him and I'm not taking care of him in the same ways that I was. And Lily doesn't need me to take her to the store because guess what? She wants to walk to the store with her friends and get what she needs. So things are changing and you're gonna find that as things are changing, you're gonna have a new role with your kids and you're also maybe gonna even have more time. So I said to my friends the other day, what am I gonna do with myself when I'm not driving kids all day? Like, what am I gonna do? I live in my car. I'm gonna have all this time on my hands.

I guarantee you we'll fill it.

Well, I know you'll fill it.

I didn't mean me. I meant you're gonna find— you won't be— you're never bored. There's never cheese. There's nothing to do.

No, there's always something to do.

And I liked your, your example of how we're growing up with our kids in this new phase.

Yes. And you know, Ella said something today that really resonated with me on our drive to take her to her internship. She said that if you know Ella, you know that Ella loves Taylor Swift. So what Ella and I do on the way to her internship every day is we listen to Taylor Swift songs. And she said to me, "Mom, Taylor is so ready for her tour to be over." And I said, "Really? Why do you say that?" And she's like, she says things like, "I know I had hobbies. I know I had things that I did before this tour." And it really resonated with me because You know, there was a time when Seth and I did not have kids, and, and there was like, we filled our time. We, we had lots of stuff that we did. Um, I remember working out a lot more than I do now. I'm not saying I'm not working out, I'm just saying I could— I certainly, you know, if I'm not, if I'm not driving my kids, if I have more time, then what am I going to fill it with for myself? Do I want to work more? Do I want a new hobby? Do I want more time with my friends?

Do you want an old hobby?

Do you want a date with your spouse?

I would love that.

Speaking of dates, I think that This Ends With Us has already come out as an early release. Has anybody seen it?

We read the books.

We read the book. I don't know if I need to refresh with the book. I don't think I have time for that.

I was gonna say, in your stack of books, there's not much space for another one.

Well, no, it's upstairs in our room.

No, I'm saying you'd have to stop reading one of the other books that you're reading and bump the other 10, 12 down the list to reread it.

So at some point, hopefully soon, Seth and I will have a date and go see This Ends with Us. So if you have seen it or want to see it, let us know what you think. And we both did— you read the book too.

I've read all of those. Yeah, I read that whole 3, 4 Colleen Hoover series with you.

Okay, so we are going through this journey with our kids and we are going to trust the process. We have done— Seth and I have done so much work instilling values into our kids. Values, beliefs, judgments, thought processes, problem-solving skills, coping skills. So hopefully, you know, like Lily's only 11, we have a long way to go. But hopefully, you know, Max in particular is hopefully going away to college in a year. So, I hope that we have laid a good foundation and that we can trust in the process that he can have more independence and do well with it and fly with it and we will be happy to see that.

Amen.

So, as hard as it is to let go, it is really refreshing and rewarding as a parent to see that you can let go and that they succeed with what room you give them.

That would be wonderful.

So is there anything in this letting go process that I have not talked about that has been an issue or a success for you along the way?

No, I think, yeah, you were pretty thorough.

How are you doing letting go?

I'm trying not to resist.

I think that, okay, so I'm home more than Seth and I work at home. Like, he leaves in the morning and sometimes comes home, you know, whatever time he comes home. So the point is, is that I think that Seth tends to take my parenting lead. We definitely discuss things. He's leaving. Him and I definitely discuss things, and I try not to make big decisions without talking to him. But I think that because he's at work all day, he tends to let me kind of take the lead and try, and usually agrees with me. And if he doesn't agree with me, we have a conversation about it. And Seth is definitely— I'm protective, I think Seth is probably more protective. And I call Seth the safety police. If you know me and think I'm the safety police, He's 10 times more than me. So, the topic: embracing our children's independence. I think that I am doing a lot more on August— what is today? What is the date today? August 7th. I think I'm doing a lot better today than I was doing at the beginning of the summer. I've had a lot of growth in this area. And I have a lot of room for more growth. So I will continue to talk about this. I know that this topic resonates with a lot of you, so I would love to hear from you. Tell me what you agree with, what you disagree with, struggles you're having, successes you're having. And if you come to the Wani Plus a Mom group on Facebook, it's a free supportive community and we can talk about topics there. You are not alone in any of the topics that you're facing as a parent. Or as a spouse. We also talk about marital issues. And I want to tell you that this Friday a new podcast is coming out with Adrienne Cotton, and Adrienne is going to help us and give us tips on things like perimenopause and hormones and stuff that I know I needed her tips for. So I am very excited to, um, listen to the podcast because I learn a lot more when I listen to my podcast than when I actually do my podcast. Does that sound weird when I say that?

It does not, because you're doing it the first time, you can't listen at the same time as you're concentrating on your guest.

Yeah, so I learn a lot interviewing all these fabulous women, but I think I learn 10 times more if I just sit back and listen to it when it releases. So new podcast on Friday, Adrienne Cotton. Whiny Palooza Mom group on Facebook. I just did an August summer challenge. I need to pick a winner. And Seth, do your newsletter, etc.

Go check out whinypalooza.com, go check out the Linktree with all of Rebecca's resources, and make sure you like, share, comment, rate, review, and subscribe.

Um, I do have a newsletter that comes out Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and you can sign up for that for free at wineypalooza.com, right?

That's the link.

Okay, anything else that you want to share?

That's it.

Okay, time to get Ella. Okay, thanks everybody for joining us and have a fantastic week. Thank you for tuning in to the Winey Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time. This show has been produced by Market Domination LLC. To discover how you can have your own show completely done for you and turn it into a real published book and become the authority in your marketplace, go to www.marketdominationllc.com/podcastoffer.

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