Episode 394: A Parent's Guide to Self-Regulation

No need to whine, it's Whiny Palooza! Have some wine and join us on the Whiny Palooza podcast with Rebecca Greene.

Welcome to the Whiny Palooza podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Greene. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family.

Hello everyone, this is Rebecca Greene for the Whiny Pluza Podcast, and I am very excited because I get to talk to the fabulous Dr. Amber Thornton. And see, I screwed it up even though I practiced at Thornton. Thank you, thank you for being here with me today.

Oh, thank you for having me. I'm so glad to, to talk and to chat about this today.

This is going to be fun. And I want to tell you, um, a little bit about her because she's a fantastic, knowledgeable lady. She is a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in the mental health of parents. She authored A Parent's Guide to Self-Regulation, which we all need, Offering practical tools for parents to manage emotions, Dr. Thornton earned her PsyD from Wright State University and lives in Washington, DC with her husband and two children. So let's jump in because I want to talk about this guide. This sounds like something we all need, as you know. I would love to know what inspired you to write A Parent's Guide to Self- Regulation.

Mm-hmm. Um, I love this question because it's, it's, it's not what people would expect. Um, I— this was not my idea to write about this topic, and I'll explain why. I actually, um, I knew I wanted to become an author, and so I, I was actually hoping to write about a different topic in the motherhood realm. Um, and so my publisher read my proposal, and then they were like, actually, we would love if you could write about this. Disregulation for Parents. And I actually was so nervous about the idea of doing that, I almost said no. Oh, the reason is because I knew that as a parent, um, you know, behind closed doors, like, as a professional, I'm great. But as a parent, I knew I was struggling with emotional dysregulation. I knew that I often yelled at my kids when I was anxious or frustrated. And, you know, I was working on that. So I just kept thinking to myself, how can I write a book about this when I am the parent needs to read the book. Um, so I actually, I said yes to the topic, and I, you know, I told myself, you, you could do this, you know, not only for yourself, but there's a lot of parents out there who also need this. So it became this little mini project that I, you know, I, I kind of kept myself at the center and like, hey, write the book that you know that you need, and it also will help so many other people. So that was my approach to, to taking on this big scary task, and I'm so glad I did because I grew so much in the process of writing this book. And I, I now get to see how it's impacting parents in a, a very positive way.

That's, um, such an authentic story. I love that. And what better way to teach ourselves than to write a book about it?

Oh yes, absolutely. It was the big— I don't— I honestly don't know if I would have grown as much as I did in this area if it weren't for writing this book.

That's amazing. Well, and I want to I want to back up a little bit because I think that we need to define what it is. Can, can you tell us what exactly dysregulation is for parents and for kids and why, why it's often misunderstood?

Yes, absolutely. So when I say dysregulation, actually it's probably helpful to, to talk about regulation first. So regulation is any time or moment where you feel balanced, where you feel, um, in harmony. You feel at your equilibrium. Your, your mood, your feelings, your overall state is grounded and right at the center, you know, basically like your baseline. It could be neutral or it could be slightly below or above, but you're pretty grounded right in the middle. That's regulated. And adults can be regulated, children can be regulated. Idea— that's ideally, that's where we want to be. Disregulation is when we are far below or far above that. So it's when we are not feeling in control, when we are feeling unbalanced, when we're not feeling in harmony or in sync, when we're not feeling grounded. So that could look like a lot of highs and lows with your emotional state or your mood. It could look like a lot of, you know, cognitive activity that can be really distressing or not productive or supportive. It could be physiologically your body just not feeling well or in a good place. So that is dysregulation. And again, adults can be dysregulated and also children can be dysregulated. I think the topic is misunderstood because we often think of toddlers or young children being dysregulated. You know, for instance, one great example of a young child being dysregulated is a tantrum. And we, we, we, we all talk about tantrums. We all know about tantrums. We're all moms here. So That is like prime example, hey, my toddler is dysregulated because they're having a tantrum. But we don't often think about, well, what is the adult version of that? And so many times there is a lot of shame or embarrassment or guilt if an adult finds themselves becoming dysregulated because there's this assumption that it, you know, that's childish or, you know, well, you got to grow up, you got to mature. So that's why I just think this is so important to talk about for parents because parents become dysregulated often. But if we're not talking about about it, then we can't help ourselves or, or support one another.

Totally agree. Um, this is, this is new. It feels like this is new to talk about it in my world. In my world, I feel like parents are starting to talk about this and how, how we need to regulate ourselves, because I think we were too busy focused on regulating our children.

Absolutely. Yeah, yeah. And I agreed, agreed. And I think, you know, with my generation, we're talking about it so much more, and there's this sense of freedom, but then also this sense of validation. Because it's like the more we're having these conversations, it's like, oh, well, this happens to you too. And it's not just me. So I'm not a bad parent. Or there's not anything wrong with me. This is actually something that is common. And there's also something we can do about it. Yeah.

And it definitely helps when we know other people are going through it.

Yes, absolutely, absolutely. It just breaks down the shame, the guilt, the blame, all of that.

Yes. So can you talk about how your guide starts to help break the cycle of dysregulation?

Definitely. So I think the biggest thing is, is one, just bringing awareness. That's the very first thing, you know. If we're not talking about it, we don't know about it, so, um, can't do anything about it. So I just think, you know, the, the guide and the framework, one, just brings awareness awareness. It gets people talking about the fact that parents can also become dysregulated. So it's not just something that happens to children. I think the second thing is it gives you, um, a good— it gives you a good path for knowing how to manage it and how to think about it as well. So with the framework, and I'm sure we'll talk more in depth about the framework, there's 3 parts to the framework and And each part gives you a different way to think about why you're dysregulated or how you're dysregulated and then what to do about it. And so I think that that's helpful because every parent is different. Every mother is different. You might need a different approach than your friend or someone else. So I wanted to make sure that I hit everyone's needs, but also bringing it all in together too. So I think just bringing the awareness, but then also breaking it down in a way that feels manageable. Um, that allows people to really understand what's going on. And then it's also something that they can do on their own. You know, I've talked to people and said, hey, you can take this book and this framework and work with a mental health professional if you like, but you can also work through this slowly, gradually on your own, and you should really see some good effects too.

That's amazing. It sounds fabulous. I, I, like I said, I think we all need it. So Can we talk about some of the skills? Can you break down what some of the skills would be to help us regulate ourselves?

Mm-hmm, definitely. So I'll break down the, the framework, the entire framework. Again, it's a three-parter, and the framework is called the PCR method, and it's a framework that I developed for parents who are dysregulated and who want to become more regulated so that they can better model these skills for their children. So the very first one, it starts with the P, is the practical approach. And with that approach, we're really thinking about what are the very practical, tangible skills that I need in order to identify my parenting triggers and then also be able to implement a plan for how I manage those things. So I think this is often a really good place to start because there might be these very concrete moments or very specific times in your day where you're noticing you're a little bit more dysregulated than others. So for instance, I know for many parents, a morning routine or an evening routine is often like the moment of the day where it takes the most energy, it takes the most effort, it can be the most stress-inducing. Those might be the areas that we identify what the specific triggers are, and then make a plan for how you'll manage that. So for some parents, this might mean, hey, I recognize that the morning routine is really hectic. I need to give us more time. Or others might recognize, hmm, I've been doing a lot of this on my own. I need to pull in my partner so we can divide this up in a better way. Or depending on the age of your child, some people might realize, hey, I'm doing a lot for my child, but it might be time for me to teach them some skills so that they can do some of this on their own. So there's a variety of ways that parents can identify, hey, this specific moment in our day or in our family is triggering to me or eliciting, um, high emotion from me. This is what I can do about it. So that's what the practical approach will help you with. The second part is called the conscious approach. And with the conscious approach, that is really the, the area that calls you to go a little bit deeper and to think about the deeper emotional experiences that you're having around parenting and how they are impacting you and your child. So this would be really good for the parent who maybe has experienced some early childhood traumas, or maybe they didn't have a good relationship with their own caregiver or parent, or maybe they're noticing that parenting is bringing up some old emotional baggage that they didn't realize was there, or they thought they had healed. This is very, really, really common. Um, parenting can be so eye-opening in a lot of ways, but it can also be this mirror, um, and showing you parts of yourself that you maybe weren't ready to address or, or didn't realize you needed to. And oftentimes, if we haven't addressed those things, it can come out as this dysregulation. And so, um, it, it can come out in, you know, when your child has spilled the milk and you're yelling and freaking out because when you were a child it wasn't okay to make mistakes. Or when your child is having a tantrum, you can't handle it because when you were a child, you used to get in trouble for expressing your emotions. Things like that come up a lot. So it's important to really identify those emotional experiences around parenting and then really address them. And so that part of the framework, I talk about reparenting, the concept of reparenting a lot. And that's really just getting to know that younger version of you that's still inside of you. Figuring out what he or she needs and how you can help supply that to her. The final part of the framework is called the Realistic Approach, and this one is, is one of my favorite. I feel like it kind of ties everything up in a nice bow, and essentially it's like we've worked through all the practical skills, we've worked through a lot of this emotional stuff that you didn't know was there and that you, you didn't realize you needed to address. You're doing a lot of hard work to work towards being more grounded and more peaceful. Now we're going to radically accept that being a parent means that you will continue to be imperfect. It means that you'll continue to make mistakes. You doing all this work did not guarantee that you would be perfect. And so we're going to learn how to embrace all of you without the need to be perfect. So that radical approach is essentially just, hey, stop being so hard on yourself. Give yourself some grace. Lighten up. Enjoy the moment. Make mistakes, but, but also learn from the mistakes. And then in that, that part of the framework, I also talk about how can you repair any ruptures when you make mistakes in your parenting. Or, you know, sometimes you'll need to apologize to your child, and that's okay. It doesn't mean you're a bad parent. It doesn't mean you failed. It means that there's an opportunity to learn here that you can benefit from, but also your child. And our children need to see us being imperfect. So that they know it's okay for them to be imperfect too. So that is the framework.

I mean, you said so many important things in, in all of that. I mean, that is fantastic. It's such a good framework for us to work from. So I want to back up to a few things that you said. So you were just talking about repairing.

Yes.

So we yell at our kids, we make a mistake, look like, then what does it look like when we go talk to them and we need to repair what we did?

Yes, um, this is great to talk about because I just think many parents today don't have a good model for how to do this. And, and then this is why I love that we're talking about this on podcasts and online, because I, you know, I, I'll say, loved my parents so much, don't remember a time they apologized to me.

I agree.

And I, I think many of us had that experience. We don't remember or recall these apologies, and yet we are so quick to want to apologize. And I think that's great, but I think it just highlights how different parenting can be and how we do need to rely on one another to learn these things. But what I tell parents is that when you're wanting to apologize or repair with your child, one, you need to take into account their development. And so development doesn't necessarily mean age because two 5-year-olds could be completely different developmentally, but rather you know, what they are capable of, what they can understand, how they understand things. So take that to account as you're apologizing. So for instance, if you have a child who maybe, um, isn't as high verbally, you might not want to do a very long verbal apology. But if you do have a child who connects really well verbally and, um, very expressive in that way, then that could work. So, but in general, what I say is is your apology needs to, one, acknowledge what happened. We can't just sweep it under the rug. We can't just pat it away with a piece of candy. We need to acknowledge what happened. So that might be, Mommy yelled. I yelled, and I realize that that is something that happened. Two, I think apologies are really beneficial when they add some context, especially for parents. So I might say something like, you know, in that moment, I was really 'Frustrated about something,' or 'I was rushing,' and when I'm rushing, I often am not my best self. And then I think our apologies should also highlight what we will do different, or some acknowledgment of how my behavior will change. So I might say, 'Next time when I'm frustrated, I'm going to really take a deep breath,' or 'Next time when I find myself rushing, I'm going to slow down so this doesn't happen again.' And then if you would like to say, I apologize, you can do that. But I often say, you know, with that little formula, I didn't necessarily say I'm sorry, but rather I acknowledged what happened. I added some context, and I indicated what I hope to do better in the future. I think that can go a long way. And then sometimes you might seal it with a hug, or, you know, however you like to bond with your child. But I just think that's important to acknowledge what's going on, to talk about the underpinnings of it, but then also to work through together sometimes what can we do different, or what will I do different in the future so this doesn't happen again.

I love all of that, and I'm laughing inside because I don't want to get off topic, but my child, my youngest, is always like, stop yelling, and I'm not yelling. I'm literally firm. And she's telling me, and I'm like, girl, you don't know what you're talking about.

I know. No, that's not off topic at all. That's very on topic because I actually have the same experience with my younger child. It's very similar. She'll say, Mommy, are you angry? And I'm like, no, I'm just being firm. I'm just being firm. And she's like, well, why are you yelling? And I'm thinking, girl, I'm not yelling. If I were yelling, it would look different.

I'm like, oh gosh, does not know what yelling is. But anyways, um, you talked about reparenting.

Yes.

And I want to go back to that because I think that we do a great job parenting our kids, but I don't— I don't think we do a great job parenting ourselves.

No.

So can you help everyone know what that looks like.

I agree with you 100%. We do a great job parenting our kids. We have no concept for what it even means to parent ourselves. And I think it's probably because we assume that, um, it's done, you know. Yes, you know, we assume we're adults now, we should have it all figured out, if you know, now we are parenting. And, and that's not the case. I, I think especially when we're talking about motherhood, I, I often see this quote about Raising a Mother, or, um, Becoming a Mother, and just the idea of mothers need guidance and need to be raised as well. You know, this is such a hard transition, and we often don't know what we're doing. We need that guidance. And so parenting ourselves is essentially one, acknowledging that you're a human and you still have needs, which I, I know a lot of parents really struggle with that, but, um, recognizing that you are human, you still have needs, basic and complex needs, and they need to be tended to. But then also, I think reparenting specifically is about thinking of that younger version of you and what he or she may still need. So for instance, I— and again, this can get kind of complex, but it— I think it really requires, um, a bit of self-reflection to really think about this younger version of you and maybe some of the hurts or the pains or some wounds that he or she may have had and maybe was not addressed. Um, you know, I often remind parents too that you could have had the best childhood and still there might have been some unmet need, and it's just because parents are humans and we don't get everything right, right? So with this, you don't have— like, having childhood trauma is not required. It's, it's, you know, it's— it could be on the, the far end of, I've had a lot of trauma, so I had a lot of unmet needs. Or this other end of, my parents were amazing, but realistically, how could they meet all of my needs? Because that's not realistic, right? So really thinking about what about me and that younger version of me still needs something, and then you identifying how you can meet that need. Because I think the other part we have to be honest about is for reparenting, our own parents may no longer be able to play a role in that. Um, they may not be here with us, or they may not have the capacity. So we have to decide, how can we tend to the needs of that younger version that's still inside of us? So it might be a need for affection, a need for attention, a need for love, a need for more communication, a need for more engagement. It could be a need for for more grace and compassion, whatever it is, you identifying how you can meet that need for that younger version of you.

Sounds so good. We need to get on that.

Yes, right now.

So for people who don't have any awareness of their, um, dysregulation, how can they start to recognize the signs that this is happening for them, where can they start? Because some people have no clue that it's even happening.

That's true. And I think it's because it's so normalized, especially this, um, this— I think the culture of, you know, hustle and bustle, everybody's stressed, you're supposed to be stressed. Um, you know, people used to always tell me, oh, you're a mom, you're always going to be anxious. And that is just normalized, and we're expected to not feel well on a daily basis as parents. And So for people who are listening to this and they're like, well, I'm not sure, am I dysregulated? I would, I would say think about a few things, and I have this all written out in the book too, but think about your typical mood or your feeling states. What are they usually? If they are often negative or distressing or uncomfortable, that could be a sign that you might be dysregulated. Um, often this might be anxiety. People often feel anxiety. Irritation, frustration, anger, impatience. Those are some feelings that might give you an indication, hey, if I'm feeling these pretty frequently, especially as a parent, I could be feeling dysregulated. Also, if you're noticing that you're, you're often feeling overwhelmed. So if you're feeling like, um, I have too many responsibilities, I can't get everything done, or you're feeling like you're, you're often experiencing time pressure. You know, that the idea of, um, I'm, I'm always up against a deadline or I'm always rushing, that could be a sign that there might be other, um, areas where you might be dysregulated, or dysregulation could just happen more often if you're often feeling more overwhelmed. Also, this word we hear a lot on online, overstimulation. Um, that I think is like a buzzword right now, but for good reason, for good reason. And it's related to overwhelm, but when I think of overstimulation, I'm thinking about the senses and them being at capacity or max capacity. So, um, like your hearing, your sense of touch, smell, um, visual. If things feel too stimulating in your environment, you are overstimulated, and that could lead to you becoming more dysregulated over time. Um, I, I, I— this was one of my things I often struggled with, just feeling like things are too loud and there's too, too many things everywhere. Things feel messy and chaotic. I'm overstimulated by my environment. So I had to really think about and figure out what to do about that and how to manage that. Um, but something else I would say is pay attention to your relationships in your family. Um, so how you are reacting or responding to your partner or spouse, but then also of course your children. I, I think that could be a really big indicator because a lot of times for parents, again, this is normalized and it's like every day is autopilot. We don't realize it, but for some parents who are frequently experiencing dysregulation, they are no longer feeling that joy in parenting or in the moments with their child. They might feel this sense of, um, greater obligation. I want to— so this next word I'm going to say, it can— a greater sense of burden, you know. And nobody likes to say that, but if parenting is feeling that way, that can be an indication that there might be some dysregulation occurring. Um, so again, greater obligation, greater sense of burden, um, more irritation, just not experiencing that joy or that peace or even just neutral with your family. Again, that, that can be an indicator. So this might look like a lot of yelling or a lot of conflict, or sometimes parents will just completely withdraw, you know, they'll be zoned out in their phones or hide in the bathroom a little bit longer, or just, you know, just generally, you know, sometimes not want to come home, you know, kind of dreading the evening time. And again, this sounds bad, but it's, it's honest, it's real, and it's the things that I learned from people when I was preparing to write this book. These are the things that they experienced, and that's how they knew they were dysregulated. So those are the things I would pay attention to, to see if this is what you might be experiencing.

You're describing what I hear frequently from— I mean, it's sad to say that you def— I definitely hear moms who find parenting has become more of an obligation and they're not finding the joy and they're feeling super overwhelmed. So how can they start to move to a better place?

Again, first, acknowledgment. So I'm talking about it today. If you're listening to this and you're realizing, this is how I feel, there's nothing wrong with you. We want to eliminate the blame, the shame, the guilt, the embarrassment. This is, this is your reality right now. And so it's important to know where you are in order to be able to shift or move somewhere else. So I think the next step is really, um, kind of what we talked about, some, a little bit more self-reflection around, well, how am I, why am I feeling this way? What's really going on for me? And so beginning with the Practical Approach, that would be the perfect place to begin for you because it'll walk you through these 6 steps for how to really really dig into that moment and then figure out the what, the why, the how, the all the, all the things about that moment. And then from there, it'll guide you through this process of being able to plan for moments that might feel triggering or how you might need some more support. So I just think, you know, us acknowledging that this is real and then that deep reflection. And so this might take some time. You don't want to rush through this process because you want to really understand, why am I feeling this way? What are the moments I'm feeling this the most and what can I do about it? So sitting with it, taking some time to journal, meditation, or just, you know, really reflecting on this with some stillness can really help you to better understand how this is impacting you and what to do next.

So as we're learning to regulate ourselves better, how can we then teach this to our children because we want them to also learn this.

Yes. So I always remind people, it's hard to teach something you don't know. It's, it's very hard to teach things that we have not mastered, right? Like, I'm imagining a college professor trying to teach a topic that they have not studied. That would not go well. It would not go well. So the first step is we have to practice this. We have to familiarize ourselves with it. Us first. Us first. We have to become skilled at this to then be able to teach the skill to someone else, especially our children. And so, you, you know, some people might be thinking, but I don't have that much time, you know, I have to learn this and then I really need to make sure my child needs it because— or has it because they need it now too. So if you're feeling that pressure I still want you to focus on you mastering these skills, but I want you to also remember to do it out loud. So I think a lot of times what we do, or maybe what our parents did, is they kind of hid their, their processes from us. Um, yeah, yeah, you know, I, I didn't realize that my mom or dad was so stressed out until I became a parent, and then it was like, oh, this is what you all were going through. And so I think they did such a great job of concealing that and hiding some of those things, you know. But I think for us, our kids don't need to know everything. But I do think when it comes to, um, building skills around emotional regulation, it's important to practice this out loud in front of your family. That will be the way that your children start to catch on to what you're doing, and then they can also start practicing it to, and then you all can practice it together. So for example, if I'm really frustrated, could go in the bathroom and try to gather myself. That's fine if that's what you need to do, that's fine. Or I could stand right there in my kitchen and just stand and take some deep breaths in front of my family. And I can voice, Mommy is feeling really frustrated right now, so I'm going to take my deep 5 breaths, or if I need to go away and I'll say, I'm gonna actually go take a break upstairs for 5 minutes so I can feel better. That's just one example of how we can model this. It's something as simple as that. Just do it in front of your kids. Um, and I think again, sometimes we're afraid to do that because we think, well, if our kids see us in our— not in our best moment, will that work against us? No, it'll, it'll help them see, hey, Mommy's human. Um, she gets frustrated just like I get frustrated, and whatever she's doing, I probably to do too, to, to manage or cope in this moment.

100%. Yes, yes. And I have heard therapists say to do things out loud, and I didn't know to do that until they taught me that. So I'm glad that you're bringing that up. That's really important. And, and they hear us struggle through it and see that we're learning, and then they learn with I love that so much.

Yes. And it, you know, it just— I think we want kids who are emotionally aware, emotionally intelligent, emotionally expressive. But if none of our dialogue or our interactions with them involves our emotional experiences, how, how is it going to happen? So I think this is a big part of their learning and growing as well. They need to see some of this to be able to better understand their own emotional lives and their emotional selves. And also how they impact other people in their other relationships. I, I just think it's, it's great for everybody.

I couldn't agree more. And I think that what, what I like that you're describing as you're going through scenarios is that you're getting down to what is the actual problem in the scenario that is causing the dysregulation to happen, right?

Right.

Right. So I feel like we're getting down to problem solving, which— right. So what is actually happening? What do we need to fix?

What is actually happening? It's not just, okay, stop yelling. It's what do we need to fix so that the yelling will be less likely to occur? Yes. What is at the core of the yelling? We're not going to, you know, you tally up all the times you yelled or you pinch yourself when you yell.

No.

We're getting to the, the core. Why are you yelling?

What is going on?

And we, we tackle that.

And I want to give you the perfect example based on what you said earlier, is that I was getting up too late in the morning and freaking out every morning. Yeah. So I get up earlier and I feel better and I don't rush as much.

Yes.

Perfect example.

And that's what I love about it, because sometimes we assume that these solutions need to be be like groundbreaking, and often they are not. They are super simple. It's wake up earlier, or divvy up the task differently, or, you know, do something at a different time. You know, they're very simple solutions, but often in parenting, things are so fast and we're so overwhelmed, it's hard to, to find that very simple solution. So, you know, the solutions are often simple, and if they feel too simple, that's probably the best solution.

That's awesome. Well, and do you find that because mothers think they have to do everything, that that's part of the issue?

Mhm.

Yes, yeah, yeah, yes.

For mothers specifically, there is definitely— what I, I, I often used to talk about this before the book. I, I talked a lot about how to juggle the balance of motherhood, but then also your identity as a woman and, you know, just your own personhood. And I, I think and for mothers, something that continues to happen is much of our identity is wrapped up in our ability to care for others, especially our children or our partners. And so something happens where it's like, okay, this is my new identity, and I want to be good at it. I want to be a good person. I want to be a good mom. That means I need to do all of the caretaking. I need to do all of the things. Sometimes it can feel like, well, if I ask for help or if I have someone else do it, I'm not a good mom, because being a good mom means that this is my role. So I think that's the weird position we get into. We, we do it all because, one, we're socialized to, but also it's very hard to separate what it means to be a good mom when we're not doing it all.

Well, and, and I think you're describing the unrealistic expectations that we have. So, so any advice to get more realistic?

Well, you just gotta do it. But so, right, like, it's just cut it out, people. We have to just be honest and put our foot down. Hey, these, these expectations are too— they're unrealistic. And, you know, I think something that is really helpful, you know, one bit of advice that I would always give is be in community with other like-minded mothers because it gives you, again, the sense of validation. It kind of gives you some courage to know, hey, I've been thinking this and she's also thinking it, so maybe it's not so bad, right?

Yeah.

If you're in a room full of people who are all saying the same thing, you're gonna feel more bold and courageous as you pursue the thing, versus if you're in the other room and everyone's saying the opposite, it's going to feel scary to pursue this different path. I, I think that for millennial mothers specifically, they have really, really benefited from, you know, a lot of dialogue and discourse online around these topics, because in their families there might be a different conversation, and they may get some pushback or some resistance about how they want to shift some norms around motherhood. But when they get to talk to other millennial women or people online that they maybe don't know, but they feel encouraged by the dialogue and they feel more empowered to do things differently. So I, I just say find a community, be in community, even if it's virtual, um, of other mothers who have similar ideas for you, then like you, um, with how you can shift and really guide your own motherhood journey. It doesn't have to look like how it used to look. It can be non-traditional, and that's okay.

Such good advice. You're full of such good advice. I feel like I've asked you so many questions. Do you feel like there's something important that you want to share that I didn't ask you?

Well, honestly, I often end on just encouraging mothers and parents to, to keep going. Um, parenting is so hard, and I think, you know, now finally we're— many of us are just being more honest about it. This is the hardest job I've ever had. Um, you know, I tell people, I, I was a psychologist first. Being a psychologist is way easier than being a mom. It's, it's not easy. And yet, you know, we continue to show up. We do it every day. And so if you're feeling like you're failing, or you're feeling like you're not, you know, showing up as the mom or the parent you want to be, I want you to feel encouraged to know that there's resources and support for you. This podcast is a really good one, and us just having this conversation, I hope you feel more validation and encouragement encouragement. So, um, you're doing a great job. Give yourself some grace and some compassion. Uh, you got this.

Oh, that's so wonderful. That's the perfect way to end. Can you tell everyone where they can find you and your—

yes, absolutely. So, um, I'm often online.

I—

Instagram is my favorite place to be online, so @DrAmberThornton. You can also check out my website, www.DrAmber rebecca-greenewald.com, and I'm also on YouTube occasionally. Um, but then the book, wherever you like to purchase your books— Amazon, Target, Walmart, Barnes Noble— wherever you'd like, you can purchase the book, A Parent's Guide to Self-Regulation.

Awesome. What a great tool for parents. Thank you for writing it.

Thank you so much. I, I thank you for allowing me to come and chat about it. I really enjoyed this.

Thank you.

Thank you for your time.

Thank you for your expertise. I really appreciate it. And I want to end by reminding everyone to spend every day laughing, learning, and loving.

Thank you for tuning in to the Winey Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time.

This show has been produced by Market Domination LLC. To discover how you can have your own show completely done for you and turn it into a real published book and become the authority in your marketplace, go to www.marketdominationllc.com/podcastoffer.

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