Episode 414: Lessons from my son Max as he turns 18

No need to whine, it's Whiny Palooza! Have some wine and join us on the Whiny Palooza Podcast with Rebecca Greene.

Welcome to the Whiny Palooza Podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Greene. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family.

Hello everyone, happy Winey Palooza Wednesday!

This is my sweetheart.

That's me.

And I don't know, somehow we managed to an 18-year-old.

He's not 18 yet.

Almost. I don't understand. Didn't we bring him home yesterday? Didn't I just take you on our first date?

So yesterday— so the kids have been home since Friday.

2 days.

Yeah, they had Monday.

They had school on Monday.

They didn't have school on Monday because it was Martin Luther King Day.

Yes.

And Tuesday and Wednesday were a snow day, and yesterday the snow was pouring down and I was thinking about bringing Max home from the hospital.

When we brought him home from the hospital, it was snowing.

Well, that's when it's pouring snow in January.

Yes.

I sometimes, I can go right back to that day that we brought Max home from the hospital.

Yes.

And I will tell you, having a newborn in the winter, not the brightest idea. So I brought him home and then proceeded to stay home for 3 months.

Yes.

And didn't want to leave the house.

Nope.

And who wants to take a newborn out in this weather, right? So people doing it, uh, I aimed for May 3 times and didn't do it any of those times. So whatever, I've got—

God gave you babies when you're supposed to deliver the babies.

They came when they wanted to come, and Max came in January. In the middle of the snow, and he loves the snow. So I credit that to him being a January baby. So Friday he'll turn 18, and I wanted this week to be all about him. So today is lessons. We're going to talk about lessons Max has taught both of us, and Friday is going to be a podcast, and I interviewed Max, I think, for the first time.

Yeah, and you're, you're having some feelings.

It's the Max week. So So you're gonna want to tune in on Friday because that's gonna be an awesome episode.

Yes, he actually let her interview him and participated in the podcast for— yeah, I think it was the first time ever.

I was afraid to ask him, you know, he's a teenager and you just don't know.

Especially at home.

So I just assumed I was gonna say, can I interview you for your birthday? And I assumed he was gonna say no, and he surprised us. He was like, okay, when? And I was like, okay, let's go before he changes his mind. Very smart. So, uh, yeah, so there will be a podcast airing on Friday that you will love with Max. And Seth and I, uh, kind of wrote this blog together. There is a blog at winypluza.com. You can read all about it, and Seth contributed. So let's jump into lessons. Our kids teach us so much. Max has been one of our greatest teachers. This is going to be a hard one for me to get through.

You could do it.

Okay, so be driven. I thought I was hardworking until I met Seth and Max. I really thought I was raised by really hardworking parents. Seth was raised by really hardworking parents, and It's continuing. So Max is more hardworking than I am. He spends hours and hours researching, studying, and just continues to impress me every day. He inspires me. And he had a test on Tuesday that was canceled, and he studied, uh, he— it was for AP Calculus, and he studied all day Monday for his exam on Tuesday. And like, I'm telling you, this kid puts in the hours. When he did a science project that he— it wasn't for a grade, he just did it on his own. He just decided to do a science project. He's like, I'm gonna enter, um, science fair. Thank you. I'm gonna enter the science fair.

No teacher help. You're supposed to have a teacher mentor you. He didn't even ask. He just did it on his own.

So he spent hours doing this science project, and he was telling me that he just like loves doing research. Like, I want to sit down and go read my fiction book Onyx Storm, and Max is upstairs reading a textbook for fun, not for school. Um, I'm just so impressed. He's so driven, and he really makes me better. Max makes me better, and he makes me more driven and more hardworking, and he shows me that, you know, go after what you want, and you know, that has to do with his consistency. And Matt— and my word of the year is consistent. And as I was writing this, I was like, I wonder, I think that word might have come from Max. I didn't know that because I watch Max work out almost every day and it inspires me to work out. And I watch Max watch everything that he's eating. He wants to eat healthy, he wants to eat a lot of protein. So he like measures stuff and it inspires me to do that and he's very consistent. He studies every day, he works out every day, he eats healthy every day. So the consistency shows me that that's what it takes to be successful and he's taught me that. Yeah, I think the consistent and the persistent and the driven all go together.

Absolutely.

He also has taught us And I really want your take on this because we know my take on this. He's taught me, you know, usually I don't underestimate him. Usually I'm like, oh, he's got his driver's test, he'll do fine. Oh, he's got a test, he'll do fine. Usually I don't underestimate him, but some— I realize sometimes I do, and he calls me on it, and he does not want me to underestimate him. So And a lot of times he'll say, "I'll figure it out." I do realize he says that to me and I love that he says that to me, but let's talk about the AP classes and what you think about it.

Yes, so this started with, I think it was his junior year.

Yeah.

And we have to sign off on our kids' schedule and his schedule said he was gonna take 5 AP classes and Rebecca said, "No." I did say no. You said, "No, that's too many. You're gonna have too much homework. I want you to have fun. I want you to do sports or whatever." I don't think you should do that. He said, "Mom, I can do it. Just let me do it." And we went back and forth and he said, "How about you let me do it and if my grades aren't where I need them to be, like by the drop deadline, then I'll drop some classes." And we said, "Okay, fine. Give it a shot." And it took a little while, like his grades weren't perfect, you know, exactly where he wanted them right away. So we were a little worried, but then by the time there was the drop deadline, he was good. And so we let him keep going and he crushed it and got 5s on every AP exam and did great. And then this year's schedule came around and again he had, I think, 5 APs on it and we were like, do you really want to do that to yourself again? That was a lot of work. And he's like, nope, I got it. And he got it and he's doing fine. So there's the, he's doing awesome. So there's the, hey, let him try and let him take a shot. And so far he's made the shot every time.

So when I said no without even asking you, I did not talk about it with Seth. I saw the 5 APs and I just went, That is not normal. It's not normal. Um, so did you feel the same way I did, or no?

I thought it was a lot, but if he— I wouldn't have said no. I would have said, you think you can pull this off? Go for it, let's see what happens.

I wanted him—

you vetoed it. You tried to veto it before I even got home that day from work.

I did. He told me to go sign off on his schedule, and I said no. Um, so he said, Mom, let me do— let me do my thing. And let me prove to you that I can do this. And I, and I don't want him to think that I underestimate him, and I want to, to believe in him. And he taught me that sometimes I just need to let him do his thing and let him make his own decisions, which leads me to learning to let go. He is my greatest teacher of that because he's the firstborn, and we have to— we learn— the firstborn is our guinea pig. We learn all the lessons with our firstborn. Not that it's lessons with our second and third, but he teaches us first, and he's teaching us, um, how to let go. And I think one of the ways that I learned to let go was to let him make his own schedule without my input. He did not want my input. He did not ask for my input. He knew exactly what he wanted almost every year of high school and wanted me to back off and let him do it. Right, very true. And I'm trying to think of other examples. Oh, college. So college, I did push a little bit, and, and I want to explain. He knew where— he, he knows where he wanted to apply, and he didn't really want suggestions. He was like, I did all my research, I know where, where, where has my programs— I'm stumbling because I'm trying to—

schools have my very specific, very niche, very narrow major.

Yes.

It's not lots of school. Most of schools don't have what he wants.

But what I did, so I did let him do his thing. I did let go a lot in this process, but I did push for more safety schools. Yeah. So I think that as awesome as it is for our kids to reach for the stars, I want a lot of safety schools for my kids. I want them to have options, right?

Right.

So, um, any other thoughts on letting go? How else are we learning to let go with him? He's definitely teaching us.

Yes, um, I, I think the making his own decisions and doing his own— picking his own path is a big part of letting go.

Well, and it's, it's a dance with our children. And what I mean by that is, if your children are showing you that they're— you're backing off and they're being successful, then that means you keep going with that. If you are letting go and your children are showing you through their actions that maybe they need you a little more then you step in a little bit, right?

Or the letting go doesn't work quite the way everybody planned.

Exactly. So it just depends on the kid, and it depends on the subject too, because he does still need us a lot. Yes, there are plenty of ways that he still asks us for help.

This is very true. It's just different, different topics.

How did he do with the tires the other day?

Fine. He now knows how to put air in his tires.

Did you teach him?

I did.

And, and the financial forms is— are you doing the financial forms for college?

Yes, I— they're done. And whenever we get a request for more information and more certification and more tax forms, he get— he and I get an email and then I go upload what they need.

Yeah, I figured that part you're doing.

Yes.

So I am very spoiled in this process because Max wants to do a lot of it himself. I have read many, many essays and assisted with my writing skills that I think that I do have and can contribute. And Seth is doing, you know, Seth is a financial planner, so he's doing all the financial stuff.

College financial advisor. And yes, they're doing the financial stuff.

Yes. So as my friends stress about this process I do feel a little spoiled, and I want to tell you—

we also have a private admissions counselor who is helping, who helped on the application side.

I think that is an excellent investment. I think it has made the whole thing smoother and less stressful. Yes, because Max will ask us a question, and, you know, him and I might not know the answer, so we'll say, "Go ask Anne Marie." So it's wonderful to have her involved in the college process, and Ella even got to meet with her.

Yes.

So that's exciting. So when he's ready— why don't you explain to them why you said that?

Um, so Rebecca had asked me what are some of the lessons I've learned from Max. Um, the when he's ready one was one of mine. So it might be the dinner table, right? And we're, hey, anything going on today? Anything you want to talk about? How was your day? Blah blah blah. It's fine, fine, fine. Nothing, nothing, nothing. And, you know, 6:30, 7:30, nothing. And then we're in bed, lights out, falling asleep, falling asleep at 11:30, and suddenly there's, hey guys, you awake? I want to talk now. It never is, I want to talk about something significant. Never seemed to happen at 3:30, 5:30, 7:30. Always seems to be 11:30 or, "Hey, can you wake up and talk to me?" I'm gonna go back. Maybe that's him being a night owl and him, you know, being like, "Hey, um, I'm up and thinking about this at 11:30, so now I want to talk." I think a lot of our conversations happen at 11 o'clock, and we're not the only parents.

I have heard other parents—

I didn't know this.

Yes, other parents have shared that they're exhausted and they want to go to bed, and that's when their kids decide—

I'm like, if you had come back 4 hours ago, we would have had a better conversation because I was awake.

I think it's partly because they want to get stuff off of their mind before bed, and then we get to stop thinking about it after they dump it on us. And the other thing that I wanted to tell you is that, you know, he was born at 11 o'clock at night.

Your, your birth theories of why— yes, well, he was born in the winter, so he loves— that's why he has to love the snow. When no one ever born in the winter doesn't love the snow. Snow, right? And he was born at 11:30, so that's when he was awake.

He was born at 11.

I don't know, I need to see a, a birth analysis book on this.

I don't know, just trust my theory.

Okay, I'm sure that your instincts are correct, honey.

Oh my gosh. So I think that this is so important for kids in general, but especially for Max, because Max will push, Max will ask why. Only have a few rules and repeat the rules and be consistent with the rules. So what I, I remember going into homes and the parents telling me like 10 rules.

When you were a social worker?

When I, well, I'm still a social worker.

When you were an in-home social worker?

When I was going to people's houses and working with them and their kids, I would walk in and they would have like a list of 10 things that they wanted their kids to do, and I was like, okay, This is very overwhelming. I'm like, pick 3. We're gonna pick 3 things that we're gonna focus on together. And it was always, I want them to respect me. It used to drive my supervisor nuts when they used the word respect, because what does respect look like? She always asked me. So, um, have very few rules that you are able to enforce and be consistent with, and So like, for example, we have very few rules with Max, and one of the rules is he can't drive after 9. Like, we didn't make it up.

That's a state law until Friday.

So he has pushed. We have let it slide a couple of times in, in the last couple years, right? And he didn't take driver's ed. We did not force him.

We offered him to take it. He said, no, I don't have time. I just won't be able to drive after 9 until I'm 18.

So he said he made that choice. He made the choice that he didn't have time, and we did not make him— we chose not to make him. We didn't pick the battle, right? But we picked the battle of—

can't break the law.

You can't— like, the law— I mean, and other parents have told me that they let their kids.

I— which works until it doesn't, then you get pulled over and the cop decides to give you a ticket.

So we have not let him drive after 9, and Friday it changes, and I'm a little nervous about that. And, uh, we just have a couple rules with him. We, we really—

do you want me to go get the thing?

No. Oh, you see me like distracted. It's okay, it's all right. I don't know what the— the cat found something. We don't want the cat to eat anything. Okay, fabulous. So anyways, pick a few things that you think are important, things that you are capable of enforcing, not things that are too hard for you. Don't say to your kids, you have lost your phone for the week. Trust me, trust me, when we are upset, we say things that we don't mean. Be really specific and thoughtful about what you say to your kids. Make sure you can enforce it. I can enforce that I don't want Max to drive after 9 o'clock. Um, what other rules do we have for him? We really don't want him to drink or do drugs. We've talked to him about that many times.

I'm not allowed to get in the car with anyone driving who's drinking or just on any drugs.

So one of the rules—

safety—

that's— so Seth and I always pick safety. Safety is our huge thing with him. And one of the things that we say to him every time he goes out— and, you know, we've been— we've either— either he gets picked up or we drop him off because Can't drive after 9. He's going out at like 9:30 at night, so we drop him off and I say to him when he gets out of the car, I will pick you up at any time.

The other night you picked him up at 1 in the morning.

He calls me at 1 o'clock to pick him up. If your friends are drinking, they are not allowed to drive you home. So we say, we say the rules often. You have to, you have to repeat yourself often because they will conveniently forget Uh, and you have to enforce it, and you have to be on the same page. Like, if, if I let him drive after 9 and Seth didn't, that would cause—

yeah, that'd be a problem.

That would cause issues. It would cause issues in our marriage. It would cause issues with Max because Max would go to me and avoid Seth because he knows I'm the softie.

Yep.

So agree on the rules and pick a few, and the battles that are—

pick, pick the, pick the important ones.

Max has taught us that he will push. So we got to be consistent. Yes, yes. Uh, just listen. Do you want to talk about this? Sure.

By default, I rush when I hear my wife or my, my kids. I will default to solving the problem and trying to solve the problem. Most people do try to solve the problem right away. So he has taught me, most of the time he's like, Dad, I don't want you to solve my problem. I just want to tell you about the situation. So I've learned to just listen, which helps with my wife and my daughters as well, to just listen. And then when they're done, say, did you just want me to, you know, listen empathetically to that, or do you want any actual advice? And if they don't want advice, I don't offer it anymore.

Yeah, I think that it's very therapeutic to let someone vent it out. Before you jump into hell, before you ask.

Yes, yes.

And Max, I think that I, I read the other day that therapists are supposed to help people figure out their own gut. So like, I'm supposed to listen and guide and help them figure it out that this is what they want. It's the same with the kids. We want to ask the right questions to help them figure out what is it that they really want. And I will say to Lily, because I want her to learn, like, what do you think you should do in this situation? Or what would you tell your friend to do in this situation? Because we want our kids to learn to problem solve, and they're not going to learn if Seth and I fix everything.

Very true. I had to learn about that.

Well, and he learned from me. Yes, because Seth is so helpful and wonderful, and he wants to roll up his sleeves and fix whatever anyone in the family's issue is. Like, what do I need to do? Let's do it now. And he has learned over the years that his family just wants to talk to him and tell him what's going on. Seth, I'm going to tell you what happened today. I know what I need to do, and I just want to tell you what's going on. It will make me feel better to tell you.

Thank you for the disclaimer. I will shut up and listen.

So Max, a lot of times, knows what he wants to do and wants us to kind of know what's going on in his life.

Yes, which we greatly appreciate.

Yeah. Can I tell you what happened at school today? I figured it out, but I want to tell you anyway.

Yes.

So yeah, we're all fixers and helpers, so it's, it's difficult. So be flexible. Change is good. Oh, this is such a good lesson from Max. I will say, whether it's what college he wants to go to, what sport he wants to play, what he wants to study in college—

that changed—

what he wants to study in college, what he wants his career to be.

Yep, that's changed, I think, a few times.

So I have learned like I get too attached to things just in general, you know. And, and whether it's I want to go to MIT or I want to be a professor, or— I have learned to just listen and absorb it and realize that he's only almost 18. Yes. And when I was almost 18, I didn't know details. I knew I loved psychology and wanted to go into something with psychology but the details came along the way.

Yes, my, my career path has changed significantly. At 18, I wanted to be a Broadway star.

And he might change his mind. He might decide he wants to do something. He might go to college and meet somebody who tells him about something he didn't know was a career, right?

Or he might take a class and go, oh, this isn't what I thought it was.

I just am keeping it— he's taught me to keep an open mind and be flexible, and he's taught me that change can be good.

Yes.

And it's not, you know, it doesn't have to stay consistent. It doesn't have to be the same all the time. You know, Max talked about MIT all through high school, and as he got older, he started doing a ton of research about colleges. And MIT is still up there on his list, but he has learned about other schools that have what he wants to do, that he loves and would love to go to. And he's opened his options and other schools have topped the list and things have changed.

They have indeed.

Yeah, so he's paving the way well for his sisters.

Excellent boy.

So when we asked Max what we're doing right as parents, he told us that we were— how did he put it—

cheerleaders. Excellent cheerleaders.

We were excellent cheerleaders. And he loved how supportive we are. I mean, I didn't know that being a cheerleader was going to come in handy as a parent.

I didn't know that that's what he— if you had asked me what I thought he would have picked, I don't— that wouldn't have been it. Don't ask me what I would because I haven't thought about it, but I just know that that wouldn't have been what I would have guessed.

I think that I would have said that he would say that we're always there for him, which is really similar to what he said.

Consistently showing up.

Yeah, I mean, no matter what it is— a soccer game, a football game, a ceremony— yes, um, take me here, take me there. Like, we show up. Yes, for everything. And we are his biggest cheerleaders.

Yes.

So the interesting thing is that is what Max loves, and that is what Seth told me he needs me to do for him. So I thought it was really interesting that they both told me the same answer. Do you realize that?

I didn't until you said it. I was like, I phrased it differently, but now that you make me think about it, you're right.

Like father, like son.

How about that?

So he's taught us a lot, and he will keep teaching us a lot. Um, he is very stubborn. I did not write about how stubborn he is. He does not want to hear things from me a lot. He just wants me to let him do his thing. And I think that I have a lot of patience for it because he does so much. He's such a good kid.

I was working out.

That I think it's gonna serve him. I think it is serving him. It can be frustrating to parent a really stubborn kid, but I see the benefits of it.

You and I are also both very persistent.

I think that I am a lot more stubborn than I ever realized. I never would have—

in the best way possible, in a good way, right?

But I wouldn't have described myself that way until you—

a positive word of persistence or determined.

I'm just saying you pointed it out to me and I had never noticed it before.

Okay.

And I'm not saying that I'm upset that you pointed it out. You know, like you have said to me, you're real— and, and it's okay, but you have said you're really stubborn. And I think that when I think— I, I think I'm a lot more like him than I think. I think I thought he got it from somebody else, and, and saying it, it was meant as a compliment. I, I'm not worried about it.

That's good.

I, I think it makes the three of us very successful. I would agree with that. I think it will make, um, our little one very successful.

Yes.

So yes, so those are our lessons. That is my topic of the week. I wanted this week to be all about Max. And now today is Wednesday, we are live. Friday will be the podcast of the interview of Max, and I thought it was great.

I did a really good job.

I think it was really— and I, and I made Seth be in it too, only because I really had a feeling he was going to contribute. And I think you did. I think you had good things to say.

Thank you.

And Yeah, you, you want to tell them all the things?

Yes, we would like you to go to whinybalooza.com and check out the Linktree where all of Rebecca's resources are. We would love it for you to subscribe to her weekly Whiny Balooza newsletter. The email newsletter goes out 3 times a week and is growing every single day. We would love for you to like, rate, review, share, comment, and subscribe on all of her platforms and share this with someone that you think could benefit or be entertained by it.

Thank you, honey. I, I learned something today. I had a mom, a wonderful mom, ask me to write about confidence, self-confidence, self-esteem in kids. And what I realized is that people don't know this, so I'm going to keep bringing it up so that you know this. If you go to winingpluza.com and you go to my blog section there is a search bar. If you put in a topic—

so I literally put in self-confidence today and look at everything that came up that you've written about on the topic. You got a library. It's been hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of blog posts.

So I said to her, I'm happy to do it again, but I want you to know that it's there and you can go read it. So I'm sure that there's a podcast— I should have told her— I'm sure that there's a podcast on it too.

And you've also probably interviewed some awesome experts on the topic.

Yeah, I'm just saying there's probably podcasts on it too.

Yes.

So if there's a topic that you want, you can ask me and you can also search for it in my blogs and my podcasts. So there's a library. Yes. So thank you for joining us. Happy almost birthday to our firstborn son. Hard to believe we're going to have an 18-year-old.

Yes.

And we will be back next week with a new topic.

Happy Winey Palooza Wednesday.

Thank you for tuning in to the Winey Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time.

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